I have a question (and thoughts) about bullying...

[Mrs. Charming]

So 'bullying' and 'cyber bullying' has been in the news and in the media a lot lately, and it has me thinking. Why is it that death threats and other threats of bodily harm called 'bullying' when it comes to kids/teens, but if it were adults, it would be called harassment? I don't get it. It seems to trivialize the gravity of the situation, regardless of the intent of the 'bully.'

Is it just me, or have things changed drastically since we were kids? I'm only 30 and bullying used to mean there was one kid who was just a really unhappy kid that made him/herself feel better by being mean to other kids, or roughing a kid up for his/her lunch money. What happened?? Now it has escalated into death threats, kids telling kids to kill themselves, kids telling kids that they wish the other would die? Seriously??

The thing that upsets me the most is that schools, parents, and police aren't taking this seriously. In adult terms, these kids are often committing terroristic threats... but it's just downgraded to 'bullying'?? Lives of young people are being lost, and it makes me really sad.

I hope this doesn't go sour, I just really had to get this out there because it really bothers me.

 

[charming23]

I am 25 and I do not remember bullying to be like this when I was in school. It is sad that it has come to what it has come too. Nobody should be made to feel so bad about themselves that they feel the only way out is suicide, whether it is an adult or a child.

My hope is that now that the issue has been exposed that we can find solutions.

 

[dodukes]

HOnestly I don't remember much bullying in my schools (that or I just didn't notice them) but back then (I am 30) bullying was like stated above, a playground fight or just some lunch money. I don't ever remember feeling fear or threatend at school. And I guess I must have just been oblivious in High school because I had friends from all walks, (nerd, gay, lesbian, goth) and really nobody picked on them. Maybe the one nerdy kid that was our cool friend too we would tease sometimes like, " can't believe you didnt get an A" but that really isnt bullying and this kid was our friend. So I'm not sure if it's gotten worse but there were all sorts back in my high school and never any problems.

 

[Buckalew11]

As the mom of a daughter who was bullied, I fully agree with you.

My daughter was bullied for the craziest things--being a little too good at her sport, being a little too smart/doing schoolwork, being one of the shortest kids (she's 5'2") being blonde and blue-eyed--what?! Geez...About 5 or 6 girls in a class of 20 kids at a private Christian school bullied my daughter for several years.

The school was aware of this in 4th grade. I went to a parent-teacher meeting and the teacher asked ME if DD had mentioned the trouble. Nope. At that point, it was just starting and it was one particular girl. By 8th grade, it had multiplied to the 5 or 6 and no one else stepped in for fear of retaliation which is understandable.

I'm very lucky to have my daughter (16) today--she could have become a statistic. Every bullying story I hear tears my heart out. Every bullying story I hear that ends with a death brings me to my knees.

Like you, I wonder why it is not a addressed as more than bullying?

When we went to the school in the 8th grade to talk about this, the lady over the middle school (not sure of her title) told me that "it was all in my dd's head." Oh really? She said no teachers she'd talked to said they'd seen a thing.
However, the administrator of the whole school told me that 2 teachers did come forward and say they'd seen things happen. One was a punch in the arm during class occassionally (daily, but she only saw it occassionally) and she thought it was just a sort of "high five" type of "punch". Uh...yeah, what about zero tolerance for this in the student handbook?

Oh, that's right...sweep it under the rug so the school will not look bad or anything.
Which is exactly what teachers, parents, police etc. do with their so-called "bullying"--they sweep it under the rug and have for years.

Now that kids are dying from it, we *might* need to address it.

Ya think???

 

[Aurora in blue]

Here is a thought about bullying. There seems to be thousands of things we are supposed to do teach our kids how to deal with bullies. Where are all of the studies that show parents ways not to raise bullies. I don't have an answer for bullying, but I hope parents of bullies are aware and maybe they are the key.

 

[bettymae1121]

I'm 34 and was bullied and a complete social outcast from 1st to 8th grade. It was pure hell and no one did a damn thing to stop it. The only thing I didn't have to deal with was the cyber aspect of it. Fortuneately for me, the bullying part stoped by the time I was in high school, by the time I was a senior I had a small circle of friends and even dated a little. Had high school been like grade school and jr. high, I'm not sure I'd be sitting here today.

I don't what the answer is. You can force kids to like each other, and teachers and parents can't be every where all the time. I am glad that in most states homeschooling is an option now though, if all else fails at least parents can pull their kids out of school if nothing else. It's not fair if it has to come to that, but better that than another tragedy.

 

[dejr_8]

I personally don't believe that the rate of bullying has gone up. If even thing I would say it has gone down because of political correctness and fear of lawsuits that schools have.

I think what has happened is that some cases of bullying have become sensationalized making it seem like it is more prevalent.

Now I am NOT SAYING that when you are bullied it isn't terrible. It is.

 

[tmarquez]

I totally agree.

Ok I am old...but when I was a kid "bullying" was mostly about teasing or making fun of a kid or group of kids.

The things that kids are doing today that is called "bullying" to me seems more like battery or assault in most cases. Maybe stalking or harassement as well.

I think they need to quit calling these behaviors "bullying" because to most people I think it makes the acts sound less harmful than they really are.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

I personally don't believe that the rate of bullying has gone up. If even thing I would say it has gone down because of political correctness and fear of lawsuits that schools have.

I disagree. I believe it has gone up, because of the way bullying can spread...over the Internet and cell phones. A large number of people can spread rumors/pictures, and the mob mentality increases quickly. And the humiliation is so public.

On top of that, look at the pride there seems to be among "adults" on reality shows when they bully people, and otherwise behave badly. They're so "cool"! NOT! Remember when it mattered to adults/parents how they presented themselves in public, and how their kids did? When you cared what people thought of you? There's so much of that lacking today.

Real Housewives of NYC was disgusting this past season. Like most people, I thought Kelly was flighty and an airhead, but what those women did to her...like the MUCH LOVED Bethenny (I used to be a big fan of hers)...was despicable, but Bethenny's fan base has increased tremendously. She's so CUTE and so FUNNY and people just thought it was HILARIOUS the way she and her entourage ripped into someone who was on the verge of, and then actually, crying. THAT'S what's being put out there as being popular and successful. A fine example. UGH.

Bren, that story always makes my stomach ache.

 

[hentob]

I'm 34 and was bullied and a complete social outcast from 1st to 8th grade.

That is very sad.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

OK.. so this all isn't in my head that 'bullying' is not what we remember it to be. I kept thinking, "am I forgetting something? Was it really this bad?" Ok, so no, it wasnt.

I have a hungry behbeh so I will write more thoughts later

 

[Mkrop]

I think the problem is the parents of bullies. No one wants to admit their child is one even when the evidence is staring them in the face. They will use the excuse the boys will be boys,or girls are just mean sometimes but not always What? How about disciplining your kid? No instead the poor kid is then said to have a target on his back and the teachers are picking on them, the bully. If their child, the bully, would just leave Johnny alone, the teachers and the principals would not "target" your kid.

 

[Pigeon]

My husband was bullied a great deal in junior high. It included being beaten up a lot. The school administration and guidance office was notified several times and didn't do a blessed thing. They just would tell his parents that the kids needed to work things out. This was 30 years ago. There was plenty of bullying going on back then, but nobody ever thought the bullies should be held accountable.

The past couple of weeks, our dd, who attends the same school dh went to, is being bullied by a boy. He has his hands all over her, he tries to hurt her and he verbally bullies her. Dh talked to the guidance counselor today. We'll see if anything changes. I think this kid is a predator in the making.

If talking to the school and to the parents does nothing, the next time he lays a hand on her, we are calling the police.

 

[hentob]

The past couple of weeks, our dd, who attends the same school dh went to, is being bullied by a boy. He has his hands all over her, he tries to hurt her and he verbally bullies her.

Yes. It is time to call the police. He is harrassing her.

 

[dodukes]

My husband was bullied a great deal in junior high. It included being beaten up a lot. The school administration and guidance office was notified several times and didn't do a blessed thing. They just would tell his parents that the kids needed to work things out. This was 30 years ago. There was plenty of bullying going on back then, but nobody ever thought the bullies should be held accountable.

The past couple of weeks, our dd, who attends the same school dh went to, is being bullied by a boy. He has his hands all over her, he tries to hurt her and he verbally bullies her. Dh talked to the guidance counselor today. We'll see if anything changes. I think this kid is a predator in the making.

If talking to the school and to the parents does nothing, the next time he lays a hand on her, we are calling the police.

wow I cant believe they have allowed this to continue without talking tothe boy or his parents , ita with calling the police.

 

[punkin]

My DD11 came home today with this story. She has been being "annoyed" by a boy in class. He pulls her hair and calls her names. She has complained to the teacher. The teacher had sent him out of class. Nothing helps. Today, DD was sitting in class and this boy comes by and tries to swipe a piece of paper from her notebook. DD gets up and kicks him "where it hurts". He goes down and hits his head on her desk on the way down, screaming and crying. The teacher (who saw all this, BTW) tells him he deserved it and sends him down to the office. I wonder if he will ever come near my DD again. I wonder if his parents will complain.

 

[Mermaid02]

There was a very recent thread here that was about bullying. SEVERAL posters took the position that kids MAKE themselves targets of bullies by the way the act or the way they dress or the way the DON'T stand up for themselves. I found it very telling about our society. People were actually saying kids should change and then they wouldn't be bullied.

 

[tmarquez]

I understand why she would want to do that...but in our school district she would have been suspended no matter if the boys parents complained or not.

My DD11 came home today with this story. She has been being "annoyed" by a boy in class. He pulls her hair and calls her names. She has complained to the teacher. The teacher had sent him out of class. Nothing helps. Today, DD was sitting in class and this boy comes by and tries to swipe a piece of paper from her notebook. DD gets up and kicks him "where it hurts". He goes down and hits his head on her desk on the way down, screaming and crying. The teacher (who saw all this, BTW) tells him he deserved it and sends him down to the office. I wonder if he will ever come near my DD again. I wonder if his parents will complain.

 

[punkin]

I understand why she would want to do that...but in our school district she would have been suspended no matter if the boys parents complained or not.

As far as I know, our district has a zero tolerance policy as well...at least in theory. Well, maybe they'll suspend her next week. All I know is I haven't gotten a phone call from the office yet.

 

[Anjelica]

We were in Ireland when 16 year old Phoebe Prince (Irish immigrant) killed herself due to the bullying she had received in a Massachusetts School. It was all the news and radio stations talked about during our week long trip. It was awful - great way to showcase our "American kids/schools". Do I think the Irish folks think America is bad - no - but it was just a horrible story of an Irish immigrant coming to America and going to our schools only to end in such a horrific tragedy.

I am not sure if bullying has increased since I was in school but what I do believe has happened - which makes it worse than say when most of us were young - the bullying has gone high-tech. With facebook, myspace, email and cell phones it seems kids really can't get away from the bullying. That is why when parents talk about letting their less than 13 year old (I think that is even to young) have a facebook account or a 9 year old that has a cell phone, etc. I cringe. Why invite the drama into your childrens lives if you can at all stop it?

I also truely believe there is something to the argument that people need to take a hard look at parents of bullies - whether they gave them everything without consequences, etc. or don't believe their children are bullies I think there are a good amount of parents of bullies that have fed into the bullying (albeit not directly).

It's an extremely sad situation. My daughter is 7 and if I ever found out she taunted or disrespected another child she would be in world of hurt. I am no perfect parent by any means, but I hope by instilling one main idea into my daughter I hope she neither becomes a target of a bully or a bully herself:

- You don't have to be friends with everyone. You aren't going to like everyone and not everyone is going to like you. And that is perfectly fine - BUT you STILL have to treat people with respect regardless of your like/dislike of them.