I have a dilema

[binny]

Background: I drop the girls off at school every morning and pick them up, DD2 has an aid that comes out to the car to get her and then watches her on the playground and helps her out in school when she needs it.

Today as I was dropping DD2 and DD1 off at school a strange man that I had never seen before came to the car to get her. I saw his badge and that he was obviously an employee of the school district. He didnt speak much English though and I told him twice that DD2 was still in the car. He tried to take DD1 twice after I told him TWICE that she was not DD2. He finally said "Oh ok" . I got DD2 out of the car and he said " come on (dd2) this way" and she went away with him.

Here is my issue, I have been really trying to instill in DD2 the concept of Stanger Danger, she has NO concept of this at all! Her teachers are all in agreement with it and we have been working with her therapists and her aids to try to make this sink in. She willingly went with this man that she had never seen before.

I know he was in a safe place for her and that he had a badge. We all know that that doesnt guarantee anything though. I understand that people get sick and subs need to be called in but there were other aids there to help out that she knew but they chose to send this man out to get her.

Her other aid was standing right there and saw that I was concerned, she said that he had been through all the same background checks and everything and that he was fine. I told her that Im sure he was a perfectly nice man and that it had nothing to do with him I was just unsure about the whole stranger danger concept.



Am I being unreasonable here? How should I have handled this?

 

[kejoda]

NO not unreasonable. This happens at John's school too. Its very rare that someone that the child doesn't know comes and gets them. And most of the time there is someone else that the child knows who will introduce them. There is no reason that someone else can introduce the child to a new aide. I would call the special ed teacher and talk to her/him about it.

 

[allison443]

I'm not sure if you're upset with the school for sending an unfamiliar aide to meet your daughter, or if you're upset that your daughter went willingly with a "stranger"?

 

[KristinBelle]

We used John Walsh's " The Safe Side" dvd, the kids really liked it and it worked.

 

[binny]

I am upset that the school sent a stranger without as much as someone she knew to introduce her to them. That way she could at least know from someone she is used to being in authority that this is someone she could trust.

They know how hard we are trying to enforce the stranger danger concept with her. This is something that we are really working on with DD. It is so important that we keep reenforcing it with her and I felt like that they dropped the ball on this one.


Thanks Beccy Thats how I felt too.

Dont get me wrong I totally understand that people get sick or go on vacation. That is not my issue at all. I just would have liked a smoother transition.

 

[binny]

Kristen I have thought about that one too. Im glad to hear that it worked for you

DD2 has some delays and some concepts just dont seem to make any sense to her. Why shouldnt everyone love her? She loves everyone. It doesnt even occur to her that anyone would have less than honourable intentions.

 

[auntpolly]

I was never into sending DD off with strangers even ones with badges.

I probably would have not let her even go with him - that's how neurotic I am.

 

[ZachnElli]

That is a dilema. Since I know your darling DD#2 and I know that she does literally love EVERYONE, I totally see where you are coming from! Are you planning to talk to the teacher or the school? Was he just a sub or an extra aide? I was thinking maybe she could meet the extra aides for just such an occassion. But I don't know if that would work.

 

[Cindyluwho]

Can I suggest that you read "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin DeBecker. It will give you all sorts of tools to deal with this kind of thing in the future, even through the teenage years. It's my bible!! It's easy to read and understand and he puts things in wonderful perspective!

 

[goofyforlife]

DD2 has some delays and some concepts just dont seem to make any sense to her. Why shouldnt everyone love her? She loves everyone. It doesnt even occur to her that anyone would have less than honourable intentions.

Maybe i'm missing something or maybe i'm just a little laid back but this is a 2 yo right.....

If you daughter is already in a pre-school setting she's used to different caregivers and different people in charge. It's perfectly natural for them to trust at that age.

If my DD had gone off screaming every time she met a new adult, i would have thought something was seriously wrong.....

I'm not trying to belittle your stranger concerns but at 2, many kids just do not freak out, especially those with multiple caregivers. As parents we try to do are best.

When you dropped off your DD, you didn't seem freaked out by the new aide so i'm sure that your DD did not pick up that anything was wrong with going with him. The kids do take subtle cues from us adults but i don't think there's anything different you could have done.

I have a now 3yo nephew. He lives out of state so we don't get to see him too often. I watched him for a week once for my sister when he was 18 months and he never acted like we were strangers. He remembers us more now that he's older so maybe it's just the difference of another year or two that the stranger reflex will kick in.

 

[tw1nsmom]

I would talk to her special education teacher and regular education teacher. I would also call a CSE meeting and make sure this is a goal in her IEP. It would be a fairly simple process to have all new personell introduced to her by a teacher she knows or maybe the principal. That way she can better differentiate between strangers and people she's supposed to be with.

This is actually something I might consider for DS. He has Nonverbal Learning Disability (he can talk...too much, he has problems with nonverbal communication), and he loves/will go with anybody. He goes to a very small elementary school, has an aide, and everybody loves/watches out for him. But...if a stranger walked in, said "I'm Bob, I'm your new teacher/friend, come with me." He would without question.

We work on this constantly with him. We are very vigilant, but it only takes a moment and there will be a time that I can't always be with him. Some kids just don't "get it" on theur own. They need direct instruction on things other kids just seem to absorb. His twin sister "gets it". Sometimes too much. If a stranger tries to talk to her, even with her dad or me around she'll clam up and give them the nastiest look. DS will introduce everyone and used to give our phone number and address out until we taught him not to.

Sorry to hijack your thread. This is just a major area of concern for us too. I know exactly what you're talking about too. You're not saying that you distrust the new aide. You're saying that you're worried that it sends mixed messages to your daughter to sned her with a stranger that hasn't been introduced to her by someone she knows. Some kids need more rigid rules and routines than others. Check on putting it in the IEP.

 

[CheshireVal]

I'm a little confused, too.

You were there with her, right? I think it would be weird if your daughter had protested going with the "stranger" when you were sitting right there! She must have known it was safe because you were there watching. She knows you wouldn't send her off with someone suspicious.

 

[Maleficent13]

I'm a little confused, too.

You were there with her, right? I think it would be weird if your daughter had protested going with the "stranger" when you were sitting right there! She must have known it was safe because you were there watching. She knows you wouldn't send her off with someone suspicious.

This was my thought too.

Also, goofyforlife, I think she meant this was her 2nd DD, not that her DD was 2 yo.

 

[binny]

sorry I meant DD#2 she is 7.

I was there with her. I really was more concerned about the school putting a stranger ( especially a man because that is the area we are working on presently) to get her without so much as a "Hi my name is, Ill be her aide today" or no one to introduce her to the new aide.

my daughter has no sense of boundaries. She is very delayed in some areas this being chief among them. We have spent so much time on the "circle idea". Picture several circles inside one another, the first is your family and close friends people you can hug and love on the second is friends and teachers people you can handshake and hug if you ask first, the third is people who get high fives and the last is strangers people you should NEVER go with and only talk to after asking mum or dad. I was not introduced to this man if it was not for his badge I would not have known he was supposed to be getting my daughter. I was also concerned because the aide that picks her up is usually the aide that stays with her throughout the day. As I said he didnt speak very much English, how was he supposed to help her?

I am going to have a conversation with the SPED teacher today. The more I have thought about it the more concerned I get.


Hey D

 

[binny]

I would talk to her special education teacher and regular education teacher. I would also call a CSE meeting and make sure this is a goal in her IEP. It would be a fairly simple process to have all new personell introduced to her by a teacher she knows or maybe the principal. That way she can better differentiate between strangers and people she's supposed to be with.

This is actually something I might consider for DS. He has Nonverbal Learning Disability (he can talk...too much, he has problems with nonverbal communication), and he loves/will go with anybody. He goes to a very small elementary school, has an aide, and everybody loves/watches out for him. But...if a stranger walked in, said "I'm Bob, I'm your new teacher/friend, come with me." He would without question.

We work on this constantly with him. We are very vigilant, but it only takes a moment and there will be a time that I can't always be with him. Some kids just don't "get it" on theur own. They need direct instruction on things other kids just seem to absorb. His twin sister "gets it". Sometimes too much. If a stranger tries to talk to her, even with her dad or me around she'll clam up and give them the nastiest look. DS will introduce everyone and used to give our phone number and address out until we taught him not to.

Sorry to hijack your thread. This is just a major area of concern for us too. I know exactly what you're talking about too. You're not saying that you distrust the new aide. You're saying that you're worried that it sends mixed messages to your daughter to sned her with a stranger that hasn't been introduced to her by someone she knows. Some kids need more rigid rules and routines than others. Check on putting it in the IEP.

Exactly! Thank you. It isnt that I dont trust the school ( or this aide) its just that it went against what we're trying to accomplish.

Your ds sounds a lot like her. How old is he?
She would do the exact same thing as well. We have been very vigilant too. Its hard when you have other kids ( as you well know Im sure) constantly doing the "where is DD" check. Not letting her out of our sight.
Does your DS seem to get things he shouldnt or that it doesnt make sense that he understands? Lats weekend my mum and ds ( 11 years old) were playing UNO and trying to teach her. She got it after 1 hand and was in there playing like she had been doing it all her life. It blew me away! Like "how do you understand this but cant get that the guy walking down the street could be dangerous???"

 

[orljustin]

I'm a little confused, too.

You were there with her, right? I think it would be weird if your daughter had protested going with the "stranger" when you were sitting right there! She must have known it was safe because you were there watching. She knows you wouldn't send her off with someone suspicious.

My thought too. The OP even said:

Her other aid was standing right there and saw that I was concerned, she said that he had been through all the same background checks and everything and that he was fine.

If the other aid was standing right there, why would a child be concerned about a unknown assistant? You're ok with this guy. The other aid is ok with this guy. You're obviously in an area where an adult comes out to help at the car. This isn't dropping her off at Chuck E. Cheese for a party and a guy in a red hat opens the door and takes her off.

 

[Tinker74]

Do you mind me asking...has your dd aspergers?
There is a little boy in my dds class recently diagonosed with this...He is very bright but "delayed" socially..and also has problems with social boundaries like your dd.
Saying that..my dd is also 7 and sometimes i think she behaves "improperley with people she hardly knows. For example chatting away like she has known them all her life instead of 5 mins...with adults. Its hard to know whats within normal boundaries at this age.
I think you were right to be concerned about the new aide though, as this will give your dd mixed signals.
She sounds a sweetie

 

[binny]

Im sorry her other aide was within my vision but not "right there". I should have been more clear. I meant she was close enough to see what was going on but not in on the conversation. She was not involved until after DD left.
When she assured me that he was fine.
Not all kids are picked up from the car at this school. There are only 2 or 3 that need the extra attention and my dd happens to be one of them.


Tinker74. The short answer to that question is no one knows. We have been following her delays since she was 18 months old she has been through 2 ear tube procedures, multiple intensive therapies, hospital evaulations, you name it. No one knows why she is like this. She doesnt fit into any of the stereotypical categories for Aspergers, ADD/ADHD, autism or anything else they can test for at this point. The most common assumption right now is Central Auditory Processing Disorder but there is no definitive test for that and they dont even begin screening for it until kids are at least 8 or 9.

We go the Pediatric developmental specialist once a year and every year we get the same answer. " We dont know" Oh well she gets a sticker there... hey Ive got to look for the humour somewhere!

 

[kejoda]

Im sorry her other aide was within my vision but not "right there". I should have been more clear. I meant she was close enough to see what was going on but not in on the conversation. She was not involved until after DD left.
When she assured me that he was fine.
Not all kids are picked up from the car at this school. There are only 2 or 3 that need the extra attention and my dd happens to be one of them.


Tinker74. The short answer to that question is no one knows. We have been following her delays since she was 18 months old she has been through 2 ear tube procedures, multiple intensive therapies, hospital evaulations, you name it. No one knows why she is like this. She doesnt fit into any of the stereotypical categories for Aspergers, ADD/ADHD, autism or anything else they can test for at this point. The most common assumption right now is Central Auditory Processing Disorder but there is no definitive test for that and they dont even begin screening for it until kids are at least 8 or 9.

We go the Pediatric developmental specialist once a year and every year we get the same answer. " We dont know" Oh well she gets a sticker there... hey Ive got to look for the humour somewhere!

you just described our life with John. I would love a label. Well we do get one but being the most stubborn kid they have ever met doesn't help much.

 

[tw1nsmom]

Just curious Binny, do you know how your DD scored on the WISCIII? Has anyone said that there's a discrepency between her verbal and performance (or nonverbal) IQ? Here's a site on Nonverbal Learning Disability that you may find interesting http://www.nldline.com/

We suspect DS has some form of CAPD as well as NLD. They can be comorbid conditions. DS is 6 1/2 and, as you said, they don't test for CAPD until they're older (here they'll do it when they're 7).

As to your previous question, yes, DS definitely has these very clear moments where he easily "gets" certain things. He's a very bright little boy who learns and processes things in a very different way. He also has areas of hyper-focus that he is quite proficient at. The computer being the main one. No surprise there as DH is a computer guy/technician/business owner. Other things, simple things, he totally doesn't get.

For others posting here, I don't think Binny is saying that the school really did anything wrong per se. It's just that for some kids social skills/stranger danger lessons have to be explicitly taught and detailed rules developed. Deviations from those rules can undo much of whats been learned and her concern was how they could handle this differently so that mixed messages wouldn't be sent.