I Have A Complicated Situation

[disneyfav4ever]

I've been on this board a lot the past two days, enjoying the fact that DF and I are finally engaged. I love him so much, and had been waiting for a proposal for awhile. Anyway, as much as I love him, my family doesn't.

I haven't told them we've gotten engaged yet. My family isn't exactly the kind of people you can talk to easily. They're very condescending, stubbron, itimidating, and demeaning.

It's not that they hate DF, they just don't want us to be together. Not like that. We, (DF and I,) used to be just friends, they were fine with that. Then we started dating, and they just rolled their eyes, and figured it wouldn't last very long. Well, now we're engaged, and I just can't bring myself to telling my parents, let alone the rest of my family.

What am I to do?

 

[dmslush]

That is a hard situation, and I know you must be torn. But, you are getting married to the man you love, and that means that you are starting a new family with him. It does not matter if your family doesn't like him, all that matters is that you are in love and you want to be happy with your fiance.

Also, if your family is condescending, stubborn, itimidating, and demeaning, maybe it is best that you distance yourself from them for a while? That cannot be good for you!

 

[Lynn5700]

I'm so sorry! What do they have against the poor guy?

That's such a tough thing for you to have to go through,they shouldn't do that to you.

 

[disneyfav4ever]

Also, if your family is condescending, stubborn, itimidating, and demeaning, maybe it is best that you distance yourself from them for a while? That cannot be good for you!

Trust me, we're going to wait awhile before telling them. I don't know how many times I've called DF crying about things they've said.

I'm so sorry! What do they have against the poor guy?

It's such a stupid mindless reason. He's black, I'm white. It makes no difference to us, but apparently it's a big deal to my family.

 

[Lynn5700]

Oh my gosh that's terrible I will never understand what the big deal is about that. If you both love each other and he treats you great then your family should be happy for the both of you.

 

[M&M126]

Trust me, we're going to wait awhile before telling them. I don't know how many times I've called DF crying about things they've said.It's such a stupid mindless reason. He's black, I'm white. It makes no difference to us, but apparently it's a big deal to my family.

I'm sorry to hear this. You have to remember one thing though. There hang ups about interracial relationships are THEIR problem, not yours. You cant let it get you down or keep you from the person you love. I know its hard and I'm sorry for you. Hang in there! Good luck with your planning and congrats on your engagement!!!

 

[dmslush]

It's such a stupid mindless reason. He's black, I'm white. It makes no difference to us, but apparently it's a big deal to my family.

I'm so sorry. DF is an Alaskan Native (AKA Eskimo). You would be surprised at how bad some people treat him, and us as a couple. "How could I ever let my sweet little white daughter around such a dirty man of color???" Those are the looks and attitutes that I have gotten over the last 11 years. Your family may never come around to your side on this, you just need to keep remembering that this is a big, hard world and when two people can come together and love one another, that is a great thing!

 

[myprincessgirlisa]

Im white & DH is mexican...so i hear ya loud & clear about all that..
but it was more his family wanting him to stay "in his race" than mine.

Well im happy to report that its been 10yrs of marraige & 15 years total that we've been together

The way i see it, they will NEVER be perfectly happy with the man their daughter is going to marry...thats just how they are....they want perfect & "perfect" doesnt exsist

Anyway, its your life & your decision.....im sure if you went back in time to your parents "dating" years....youd probably disagree with their relationship in some way too

Id tell them but dont let them sway you with their negativity, just show them you are mature & old enough to make wise & responsible decisions

good luck

 

[disneyfav4ever]

Anyway, its your life & your decision.....im sure if you went back in time to your parents "dating" years....youd probably disagree with their relationship in some way too

I just remembered that they met at the same place DF and I did. It was different back then, but the same building.

 

[theantibride]

I'm going to be honest and tell you that I think you should tell them ASAP. Keeping it a secret will only make matters worse. One, the stress of not telling them is going to eat at you and drive you crazy. And that same stress could ultimately have an effect on you and your fiance and that would not be good. Two, if when you do tell them they find out that you've kept it a secret for awhile that might just add to the hurt.

I was once in a similar situation a long time ago where I was dating a gay I knew my folks didn't like so I didn't tell them about it for awhile. Boy ,did it get ugly. The whole keeping it a secret out of fear of their reaction thing just ate me alive and then when they found out I'd been keeping it form them it made things about a million times worse.

I would just sit your parents down and tell them that you are engaged and before theyt can say anything else say "Look, I love him very much and I am going to marry him." Then if they get ugly and start to berate either of you just get up and walk out. Don't say a word because nothing you can say at that point will smooth over things and you don't want to say anything that could possibly be used against you at any point. So you just leave -- and that alone will send a stronger message to them then anything you could ever say. And it will give you a chance to get away from their ugly remarks and it will give them a chance to take a deep breath and think about what they are really saying. And you never know, your family might surprise you and be happy for you.

Just know that letting something like this nag at you for an extended period of time will only do you harm wheras getting it out in the open sooner gives you more time to deal with it and get over any hurt feelings that may arise. Whatever you do decide though, good luck. I'll be here rooting for you!

 

[disneyfav4ever]

Okay, I still haven't told them yet, and haven't decided when I'm going to. But, regardless of how they decide to handle the news, I am not going to let that stop me from having the wedding of my dreams.

DF and I will just play around with ideas, (translation - I'll plan out exactly what I want, and DF will just go along with it,) until we officially announce it to our family.

 

[majenco]

You have to have the wedding of your dreams for the two of you. Hopefully your family will realize how important and special this day is to you and support you. If they don't, it's unfortunate but it's their choice, not yours. It will be their loss as well. I wish you all the best and hope that this situation works out for you.