I have a bit of a dilema!?!

[CheshireVal]

You should GO.

If the trip is completely free, and he's off work that week anyway, sounds to me like he's just being stubborn (or at the very least a party pooper) if he's refusing to go with you.

Maybe he doesn't want to go on vacation with the in-laws or whatever, but he shouldn't pout if you want to go.

I go visit my mom sometimes for the weekend and leave my DH at home. We've also been married less than a year. But, it's important to me to spend time with my mom and DH seems to be fairly happy sitting home playing computer games all weekend without me there to nag him.

GO!

 

[DisFlan]

Take a bit of advice from someone who's been through the ups and downs of 34 years of marriage - sit down and really TALK to your husband. There seems to be a some cross-talk and miscommunication going on in your marriage. There's more at stake here than just your trip. Whatever you decide, you could be starting out your married life with resentment that could linger for a long time. That is not a Good Thing. Talk. And keep on talking to each other.


DisFlan

 

[dudedisney]

Don't go.

Tell your parents thank you and if they won't reschedule for some other time, then they go without you. I hope they're not subtly trying to make you choose between husband and them because that's what you're doing, choosing one or the other. It's only about 'Disney' because that's your 'thing'. Otherwise, it wouldn't be so hard. In the meantime, he's thinking 'she's choosing them.' Yeah, marriage is give and take, respect other people's hobbies, yada yada. But that's when husband and wife do not have outside influences pulling at them.

Your priority is your husband and your marriage, not a freaking trip. Settle it now before the issues get tougher 'cause they will.

 

[chrismb22]

Everyone's marriage is different and everyone has different needs or wants. No one can tell you what to do or lecture you about what is right and what is wrong.

That being said, you can always get another husband -- you will never have another set of parents. Enjoy them while you have them.

My ex used to joke that he was #3 man in my life:

1) My Dad
2) Jon Bon Jovi
3) Him

PS IF he doesn't like Disney, don't force him -- I tried that. Doesn't work and makes you miserable. And who wants to be miserable at the happiest place oon earth?

 

[Clotho]

I had the same reaction as a previous poster: it sounds like a control issue on the surface. Sounds like you spend all your time together, and he doesn't like you out of his sight, but he doesn't want to go on this trip. The way to get his way? Make you feel guilty enough about going that you won't go. The fact he will be "disappointed" if you go...was that how it was left?

Sometimes hubby and I will have to make a compromise, where he or I say to the other, "Well, honestly I will be disappointed if you go, but if you do, I totally understand why you would and support you. Just let me know what you want to do."

That is a far cry from "If you go, I will be disappointed in you. Your choice." *harumph* Know what I mean?

Either way, housework can wait. We have all our lives to work work work on the details of life. Lawns always need mowing. Roof needs repairing. Cars need servicing. But how many times do we get to go to a place away from it all that makes us really happy, in the core of our being? I know that is what Disney is for so many of us. Now add to that the fact that your parents are taking you (time with people you love), AND it's all paid for?! Seems like a no-brainer to me. And I really feel he should be more suportive.

If his argument is he wants help with the housework, then why don't you take a truncated trip? Say, spend 4 days at WDW with your parents, and the other three days of your week at home helping hubby. Why can't you split this time? You can just fly out or in on a different flight than your parents. no biggie!

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

 

[freakylick]

First off take a joke.

My apologies. I find marital relations to be a serious issue, especially within the context of someone asking for advice on their relationship.

I have been with my DH for 18 years.

Congratulations!

He does his thing and I would never dream of taking it away from him or making him feel guilty. He adores golf and visits to Portugal to see family. He does these things on his own as money allows.
In turn he encourages me to be who I am, sense of humor and all , and would never dream of making stay home to watch him install our new furnace

I would never suggest that anyone “take away” their spouses “things”. And no one can “make” someone feel guilty. However, a good marriage involves open communication and I would never want my wife to encourage me to do something if she truly did not want me to do it. I would much rather that she be honest and tell me how she really feels about the situation so that I can make a well-informed decision. If my wife truly did not want me to go, I probably wouldn’t go. Would I resent her? Nope..it was my decision not to go.

But if you and your husband enjoy watching the other taking a separate vacation, then by all means. However, that is not the situation that the OP is in.

With all that having been said, I will keep my remaining old-fashioned thoughts to myself.

Marriage is a wonderful partnership but it alone does not define me.

I don’t think anyone said, nor implied, that a marriage should alone “define” someone.

 

[SamanthaL]

My apologies. I find marital relations to be a serious issue, especially within the context of someone asking for advice on their relationship. .

Marriage is serious but humor is the spice of life! What kind of marital relations would one have without laughter now and then. It was clear I was kidding by the little laughing guy at the end of my post.

But if you and your husband enjoy watching the other taking a separate vacation, then by all means. However, that is not the situation that the OP is in..

I never said we enjoy taking separate vacations or that we even take separate vacations as a rule. As another posted talked about, my DH has family in another country. We cannot afford, nor do I enjoy traveling overseas as much as he does. Last year his focus was on Europe and mine on Disney. We decided to do things separately this one year so we could both afford to do what we love. We missed each other and absence made the heart grow fonder. This year we are doing Disney together. I was trying to point out that we support each other in our hobbies and that is good for a marriage. I was in no way suggesting that having a lifetime of separate vacations is good for a marriage. It's not. And we don't.

With all that having been said, I will keep my remaining old-fashioned thoughts to myself..

I don’t think anyone said, nor implied, that a marriage should alone “define” someone.

Well if one always gives up what they love to please another are they not losing their individuality.



OP- Please do what feels right to you. Only you can know that. You asked for an opinion and you got mine already. I will no longer debate about or justify my marriage. You asked for an opinion and I say go and enjoy. I hope whatever you do brings you happiness and peace. Byeeeee!

 

[bopper]

Clearly he isn't as into WDW as you are. But in a marriage, you should do everything with the Policy of Joint Agreement (see www.marriagebuilders.com for more). That is, you should never do anything without both spouses being enthusiastic. He doesn't sound enthusiastic about going and not so enthusiastic about you going with your parents. But that doesn't mean he gets to make the rules. You might not be enthusiastic about sitting around and doing house work all vacation.

How can you both be enthusiastic? Where is there some give and take?

How about You go with your parents and then he joins you all for a couple of days?

Maybe find out what he did and didn't like about WDW. Is there things you can do with him there that he likes? Like the Richard Petty Driving experience?
Maybe this time you do WDW and next time you do his choice of vacation, even if it is staying home.

Does he not like traveling with your parents? Can you set it up so you won't be with them 24/7?

Does he feel as though you haven't separated yourself from your parents enough?

Does he not like vacations at all? Did he take them as a kid? Maybe he thinks all vacations are a waste of time.

Is he worried about your finances? Are you a responsible spender? Maybe he can be enthusiastic about it if you give him a budget.

The POJA principle says that you don't do ANYTHING without both spouses enthusiastic agreement. So if you can't agree, you should both be sitting down doing nothing until you agree. No house work, no vacations. That should motivate you to negotiate!

 

[weluvmnsshp]

I think you should go also. I also agree that is doesn't seem like WDW is his thing. My dad is the same way. Once is enough for him, after that he has already been there and is not in a hurry to go back. WDW is magic, some people can feel it, some people can't. Don't stay just because of him, then you might subconciously blame him for forever. You said he will miss you and doesn't want to be without you, but in that case I think it would do you two good to be seperate for a little while. I am like that also, I don't want to be left alone. I am going on an 11 day cruise in Nov. with my mother(which will also be free for me thanks to my dad) and leaving my two 2 year olds and my 9 year old behind with my sister. Then it will be her turn in Feb. and she will be leaving me alone, which I am not thrilled about at all, but it will be good for me - since living with her for 8 years now I have become very dependent upon her for company! I don't like to be alone anymore! Anyway, no one can tell you what to decide. Ask yourself what you really want to do and do it. I know it is hard if he is not going to be supportive of your decision, buy if you stay only because he wants you to you will always regret it, and possibly resent him for it. If you tell him how you feel and he still has a problem- explain to him he is being selfish, oviously thinking only about himself - well then there is a problem and it is not you -just go and he will have to deal with it. It is good to get things like this out in the open now. Your husband should be supportive of everything you decide to do if he loves you! You only live once in this lifetime - ENJOY IT!!!

 

[pyrxtc]

Years ago he took a vacation without me, although it was to go striper fishing in Montauk.
A

Donzgyrl

Well now it's your turn to go striper fishing! You each have your own things you like and you get to do yours for free right now. Tell him he can go fishing while you are gone. I would go, you do only have so long with the ones you love. Try to get him to go for a little bit so that you can see him too. Besides, once you sed the grasss you shouldn't be walking on it for a while so you don't disturb it... LOL!

 

[Redbudlover]

I think it is interesting he suggested you take HIS parents and go in October, but doesn't want to go with YOUR parents or have you go with your parents and also doesnt want to go with you alone in January. I may be a little skittish because I was unhappily married to a selfish control freak long ago before my lovely present DH, but this seems like a control issue to me. It is important to talk about it - and important he have your happiness at heart - if he doesn't you need to know now. No woman should go with tears to her husband and beg for something he "turns down".

My DH is not a Disney lover. I wanted to go this fall and we talked about my going alone. I thought it might be ok - certainly better than not going at all. But he eventually decided to go with me because he felt I would have a better time if he was there than if he wasn't - which is true.

I say talk to him and then go - and don't let him give you a hard time when you get back!

Redbudlover --- ooops sorry. as i reread this I realized how much my past bad marital experience has influenced me. I probably came through too strongly.
Redbudlover

 

[goodeats]

Let me preface this by saying, I too am a newlywed (just over a year) who dated DH for a long time before the wedding. We are in our twenties, and my DH has a sailboat and I love Disney. I will be traveling to WDW with my sister this December, and hope to return with DH in three years or so. I also have a DL annual pass that I enjoy without DH. This is all with DH full consent, just as I fully consent to the sailboat.

In your situation I don't think I'd go. It sounds like he wants your help on the house, and that he does not fully agree with you going. I could not just up and leave my husband like that. It would not sit right with me.

I agree that you should have a big heart to heart with DH and get to the real issue.

And I don't agree with the "you can get another husband, but you only have one set of parents" line. Sure that's true, but I can't imagine my parents wanting me to ditch my own family for them. Even now, my mom worries when I visit them for the afternoon without DH.

 

[tinker-kyle]

maybe there is a way for you to compromise ... is it possible for you to join your parents for just part of the trip? i think you said it was for a week ... can you go for just three or four nites? spring for a one-way plane tix or amtrack home. this way you have best of both worlds ... time in WDW with your folks and time with DH at your new home.

 

[Dorisk3]

I read the OP's post when it first came out. I wanted to comment on it then, but I know that no two marriages are the same.
I am looking forward to my trip to Disney-though I would say I'm not as into it, or really really into it as some people hear on the Disboards. But what Disney represents to the OP is a love or a hobby or whatever you'd like to call it. Now as long as a love/hobby is not something that could be destructive to a marriage - why wouldn't a spouse encourage it? I have a problem with clinginess or laying guilt trips on people. I don't do it and I don't want it done to me by ANYONE. My concern is if you give in now and turn down a trip with your parents to Disney, what will be the next thing down the road? I'll give my five cents worth of advise : go, have a great time, and don't EVER feel guilty-because you are not doing ANYTHING wrong! You do not need PERMISSION from anyone. Give your husband love and affection before you go and when you get home. Let him know how much you love and care for him and also enjoy your trip!

 

[Amyality]

I read the OP's post when it first came out. I wanted to comment on it then, but I know that no two marriages are the same.
I am looking forward to my trip to Disney-though I would say I'm not as into it, or really really into it as some people hear on the Disboards. But what Disney represents to the OP is a love or a hobby or whatever you'd like to call it. Now as long as a love/hobby is not something that could be destructive to a marriage - why wouldn't a spouse encourage it? I have a problem with clinginess or laying guilt trips on people. I don't do it and I don't want it done to me by ANYONE. My concern is if you give in now and turn down a trip with your parents to Disney, what will be the next thing down the road? I'll give my five cents worth of advise : go, have a great time, and don't EVER feel guilty-because you are not doing ANYTHING wrong! You do not need PERMISSION from anyone. Give your husband love and affection before you go and when you get home. Let him know how much you love and care for him and also enjoy your trip!

Well said.

 

[*Fantasia*]

I didn't read all the post... just a few. So why is it that your husband won't let you? Do you think he feel bitter cause he is not going? Or maybe he doesn't want you to go so he won't feel bad being left behind cause he is not going. I mean what is the big deal for you to spend some time with your parents at WDW. It's not going to cost you anything but just your spending money? I hope he is not making you feel guilty for wanting to go.

You're still your own person and you still have your life to live. If Disney is your passion then he has to understand that. Disney makes you happy, why not let you be happy and spend some quality time with your parents.

I understand that you guys just moved in a new house and need some working around the house, can't that wait a little bit for a week? Just a week away from the house? It's not like you're going alone or going just with your friends. You're going with your parents and they are taking up the expenses.

I hope you'll go. And hope you won't feel guilty. I know if that was me, I would go. No ifs or buts. My husband (well.. if he was alive) just have to understand. It's compromising.. it's give and take.

 

[LisaBi]

If you go without his FULL consent, it may be an early start to building walls within your marriage. That's definitely what you don't want to do, Mickey or no Mickey.

But not going and resenting it later isn't any good for the marriage either!

 

[blueangel]

As a single gal I think the differences between the responses by male and female posters are very interesting. Just an observation.

To the OP - do what you want, and don't let anybody - here, your parents, your husband - make you feel guilty or unhappy. It's your life, enjoy it the way you want to.

But maybe that's why I'm still single...

 

[Mom of Sleepy Bashful and BabyDoc]

Well, twenty plus years of marriage experience here...............

YOu can call it permission, you can call it consent, whatever, it doesn't matter. Those are just words. If my DH genuinely would not want me to go, I wouldn't go. Just like when my Dh asks me if it would be all right if he plays a round of golf with a friend on a particular Sat. morning. If I had something in mind for our family to do together or I needed help with something, so I would prefer him not to go..........I would tell him. And he would say OK.

It's called respect. Our marriage is my highest priority. Period. And the same goes for him with me.

But it sounds like something isn't quite right. I would sit down with him and really talk. If something meant a lot to me, even something as silly as a place to vacation, we would find a compromise somewhere, somehow.

For instance, I love the beach, my DH is ok with it, not overly joyous. So we compromise on a place that has more to offer than just beach. He likes to take the kids for putt-putt, go-karts, he likes to go to a driving range, maybe a Par 3, a little amusement park...........that sort of thing.

If he loves you and he knows that you really want to go to WDW, you will be able to find a compromise somewhere, somehow.

I love my parents(my dad is gone now) and I would do anything for my mom. But my DH became my husband a long time ago. And, yes, he's the only husband I plan on having, until death parts us.

Someone talked about selfless love. Well, it goes both ways. That's why you've got to talk and get this straightened out.

Just one last example.......my DH is on a missions trip with my DD12 to Alaska right now for a week. This is the longest I've ever been away from either of them. (my very good friend's DH runs a camp up there and I miss her very much) Just before my DH left, I asked if I could go up next summer, just to see her, by myself, because we could never afford for both of us to go or more of the family to go. The airplane tickets alone are too expensive.

He said, "sure, I'll take a week off from work and take care of the three kids". I said, are you sure?? He said, no problem, I want you to go and see Carol and see Alaska.

Like I said, Selflessness works both ways.

 

[VSL]

Yes, but it doesn't sound as though the OP's DH is being selfless at all - I mean, he took a holiday a while back without her, so why can't she go and do something she loves?

Like you said, selfless love works both ways.