I guess I'm a rotten daughter

[lovemygoofy]

I'm my mom's only child. She is single again, well sorta single since it seems her and my stepdad are always together. I think they'd rather be together fighting than apart and alone but whatever.

Anyways, my mom is 51 and until last summer had never lived alone. She has ALWAYS had someone looking after her. We lived with my grandpa until he died when I was 15. Then it was my job to look after her. She has epilepsy and I'm sure some kind of mental condition but more than anything she was just so enabled by my grandparents that she never had her own life.

Now, my mom is having a bit of a health crisis. She will be going in for testing in a couple weeks for emphysema and some other lung/bronchial tube conditions. Last week, she started sounding just a bit off. More desperate and needy than usual. Finally after her crying and carrying on with me, I found out that she had stopped her anti depressants. After giving her hell and telling her she needed to get to the doctor, she got back on them and is getting better.

In the meantime, I'm getting ten kinds of hell from other family who thinks I need to not go see my Matt in GA and need to race to Arkansas to hold my mom's hand. My plan, which she knows, is to go see my husband for a week and then drive straight from GA to AR and be there until the testing and all is settled.

My mom and I have had the "Tina coming to save the day"conversation several times since I moved away. She knows that I want her to live on her own and fix things herself. She is finally getting better but when a big crisis happens she just falls apart and expects someone to pick her up and put her back together. Sometimes I just have so much going on in my own life that I can't drop and go and honestly I don't want to. I certainly do everything myself for me and have been for a long time.

Am I wrong for not going now to hold her hand until test time? I will never understand always wanting others to be there to help. I guess in my mind, I always think the one person I can rely on a 100% always is myself. I know she wasn't raised that way though. What's a daughter to do?

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

Stick to your original plan. If you don't, you will be expected to drop everything and run to her side for the rest of your life.

Ignore the other family members, or tell them that they are more than welcome to drop everything in their lives to run to your mother's aid.

 

[SwedishMeatball]

You are a wonderful daughter and an amazing wife. Tina can only be in one place at a time, and you're not being unfair or selfish by giving a week to your husband and then going to be with your mother. The rest of your family should be ashamed of themselves for even thinking about laying such a guilt trip on you.

 

[Pam]

Go to GA and hold your Matt.

Your Mom is trying to make you her co-dependent. Don't let her do this.

She does not need you to hold her hand until test time.

And Tina, for the record you are a good daughter. You're also a great wife. Go to GA and don't have any guilty feelings!

 

[Daxx]

Exactly what the two people ahead of me said!

Hugs to you.

 

[Tinkim]

Tina . . . definitely go see Matt and then your mom. You deserve to spend time with your husband. There are 8 kids in my family and I am the youngest and I am always the one to help take care of my mom's problems. My dad passed away 12 years ago and I am always the one she calls when something goes wrong. Don't get me wrong. . . I love my mom and I'm sure you love yours too but you have to take care of you and your situation is unique with Matt because you don't get to see him and you need to take whatever time you can get to spend together. I walk a fine line between wanting to be there for my mom and feeling resentment that my mom and all my siblings expect it of me. The occasional phone call from them seems to be all that is required but everyone expects much more from me. I feel for you and I know you'll be there for her but definitely stick with your original plan . . . you both deserve that time together!

 

[Blondy876]

Ditto to what the previous posters said.

 

[nhrenee]

Hang tough! Go see your hubby first.

 

[DISUNC]

Mama sounds a 'bit' manipulative too me! My Mom's mother was the same way. (I remember everything)

I dont think your Mom lives near you, does she???? I am betting the rest of the family "want" you there...so they dont have to deal with it.
Your Mom has a Hubby...thats HIS job.

You know if you went to her you will be MISERABLE & guilty (since Matt is being sent back to Iraq soon)...and You KNOW she would'nt appeaciate a thing!

GO TO MATT!!!! Thats a order!

 

[PrincessKitty1]

Stick to your original plan. If you don't, you will be expected to drop everything and run to her side for the rest of your life.

Ignore the other family members, or tell them that they are more than welcome to drop everything in their lives to run to your mother's aid.

Couldn't agree more, ESPECIALLY about telling family members they are more than welcome to rush to your mother's side. That should have them back-pedaling really fast! (Of course, they will have a million excuses why YOU must rush to her side and why THEY couldn't possibly do it. ).

Seriously, you cannot take responsibility for your mother's life. 51 is not old (I'm an expert on being 51! ) and you will be stuck being her caregiver for oh, another 30 years, if she doesn't learn to take care of herself.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Tina . . . definitely go see Matt and then your mom. You deserve to spend time with your husband. There are 8 kids in my family and I am the youngest and I am always the one to help take care of my mom's problems. My dad passed away 12 years ago and I am always the one she calls when something goes wrong. Don't get me wrong. . . I love my mom and I'm sure you love yours too but you have to take care of you and your situation is unique with Matt because you don't get to see him and you need to take whatever time you can get to spend together. I walk a fine line between wanting to be there for my mom and feeling resentment that my mom and all my siblings expect it of me. The occasional phone call from them seems to be all that is required but everyone expects much more from me. I feel for you and I know you'll be there for her but definitely stick with your original plan . . . you both deserve that time together!

Thats exactly what happened to my mom. She is the youngest of all her siblings and stayed to help with her parents and never left. She never had to fend for herself, though she worked damn hard until her epilepsy started.

Thank you for your kind words. It's so hard to tell her to take care of this herself and not give direction or just do it for her. When she is sick, its of course worse because she wants someone to be there and baby her and do everything for her and I just can't always be there. It's 7 hours away and for goodness sake I've been here for 5 almost 6 years now.

 

[crazyforgoofy]

Tina, sweetie. I'm old enough to BE your mother and I say just what everyone else has said. I also say you're never too old to make positive change in your life so please continue to encourage your mom to stand up and manage things herself. She's tougher than she appears. I guarantee it.

Don't feel guilty. You're doing her a favor when you insist she act like a grown-up.

 

[arminnie]

Go to Matt. No question about it.

I think you know that is the right thing to do. You are not really helping your mother by "coming to the rescue".

I know 51 sounds pretty old to you, but I am 10 years older (and in Arkansas) so I think I am qualified to give an opinion here. Your mother is not too old to change.

We only learn to grown and accept responsibility by standing up to life's challenges. I watched my mother really blossom in her 50s after years of no self esteem, etc. She was SO much happier once she learned how to be more self-sufficient.

 

[disneymac]

You are a great daughter - I've read so many of your posts where you give fantastic advice to other posters!

Don't become an enabler - she needs to stand on her own two feet! My sister and I are going through similar stuff with my mother.

And don't let people who can't be bothered helping out make you feel guilty for being by your husband's side - you know it's where you need to be.

Enjoy your time with Matt, then go help your mom, but don't forget to take care of you.

 

[Yellowdaisy]

Go and see your husband. You can call your Mom, let her know you are thinking of her, I have been there and done that, she is still young and should not make you feel as if you need to care for her. If she stopped taking her medication you cannot be there all the time to make sure she does, I do not understand why some parents do this to their adult children.

Best of Luck.

 

[Michie]

I think it is stingy when parents think their adult children should be there for them at a drop of a hat.

We are going through the "drop everything" with my MIL. MY FIL recently passed away, and my MIL and DH's siblings think we should be there for her at the drop of a hat. It is just impossibel, and it is stingy.

Technically I have 2 adult children but honestly, I would never want them to drop everything for me, now or 20 years from now.

 

[ticktock]

You need to spend time with your DH, you don't know what the future holds for him (you are both in my prayers, as well as your mom). Your mom will still be there when your DH has deployed. It is insane that anyone would think you should miss what little time you have with your DH to spend EXTRA time with your mom. Good luck.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Tina, go see Matt!

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Oh Tina, I am so sorry your Mom is acting like that.

Southern Mamas know how to GUILT their daughters. My Mom has done that to me many times (and she is 82!).

I have to agree with everyone else. Go to MATT. He is your husband and you need to spend the week with him to gather your strength to deal with things in Arkansas.

Now stop DISing and get in the car and go see that man early.

Kel

 

[Nancyg56]

Tina, I am also 51 and a Mom so I also think I can chime in here. Go to your Matt. Your first priority is you DH and your marriage, not your mother's inability to deal with life. Your plan included checking on her and if family feels that she cannot undergo tests alone, well they are welcome to step in.

I am always amazed when parents try to make their children choose as though there is a contest between parent and spouse . I could understand if she was testing now and needed you there but to wait to be tested is unreasonable and self centered.

You are a responsible, caring and compassionate woman. don't second guess your instincts.