I guess he didn't fight for his marriage hard enough

[NY Disney fan]

IMO, the minute he cheats he proves himself unworthy.

Technically yes, but people make stupid choices in life (we all have and I'm sure you are not exempt either). We have all hurt people we love. What counts is how the cheater recovers. (most cheaters don't know how to recover and that is the crux of the issue). Some do .

 

[luvmy3]

Technically yes, but people make stupid choices in life (we all have and I'm sure you are not exempt either). We have all hurt people we love. What counts is how the cheater recovers. (most cheaters don't know how to recover and that is the crux of the issue). Some do .

I agree but I don't believe that when a man cheats he deserves to be stood by, its the woman who chooses to forgive and make the marriage work, who deserves to be stood by. Its up to him to prove he's worthy enough to do that

 

[NY Disney fan]

I agree but I don't believe that when a man cheats he deserves to be stood by, its the woman who chooses to forgive and make the marriage work, who deserves to be stood by. Its up to him to prove he's worthy enough to do that

True. But you would be surprised at couples who have a very remorseful cheater who changes his life and no matter what he does the wife holds a life-long grudge. She'd rather hold the grudge than divorce him. It takes 2 to survive infidelity. My great-grandfather sired a child outside his marriage. His wife remained bitter her whole life (poor woman). My great grandfather did all he could to make it up to her and put a bullet in his head. The guilt killed him.

 

[olena]

I found his "trying to fall back in love" with his wife line to be one of his most pathetic statements.

 

[dislaney]

Good for her. He sounds like such a "insert dis inappropriate word here"

 

[luvmy3]

True. But you would be surprised at couples who have a very remorseful cheater who changes his life and no matter what he does the wife holds a life-long grudge. She'd rather hold the grudge than divorce him. It takes 2 to survive infidelity. My great-grandfather sired a child outside his marriage. His wife remained bitter her whole life (poor woman). My great grandfather did all he could to make it up to her and put a bullet in his head. The guilt killed him.

Honestly, I think it really depends on the reason for cheating, and just how far the *other* relationship was. I think its probably easy for a spouse to be able to forgive, and move on when its a physical attraction, but in this case when the husband believes his mistress his is soulmate, that would be impossible to forgive, forget and move on. I don't believe a person can be (sincerely) remorseful for loving another person other than their spouse.

I don't know what type of relationship your great grandfather had with his wife or hios mistress, but I'm sorry that whatever he did caused him to end his life.

 

[Disney Doll]

When a man leaves his wife for his mistress he immediately creates a job opening ~ James Goldsmith

Good one! I'll have to remember that!

 

[Disney Doll]

I have always had great admiration for the wronged spouse who can put the heartache behind thm and try and repair their marriage, learn to trust again and move on. It is not something I could ever do. And because I couldn't do it, I would divorce. I certainly wouldn't stay married and make everyone miserable for 40 more years.

In terms of this marriage, it seems like the statements that the Governor made point to his wife as someone he admires and "loves", but doesn't love the way one should love a spouse. As PPs have said, once your husband calls another woman his "soul mate" I think that spells the end of the marriage. I could not get beyond those words, and frankly, I don't want to be anyone's second choice.

 

[dismom2]

I believe infidelity in a marriage can be survived successfully and can make a marriage better. But only if both spouses work on it and make the effort. Standing by your man is not bad, if he proves himself worthy of being stood by.

I don't think infidelity can make a marriage better. There are much better ways to deal with marriage problems.

If the man was 'worthy' he wouldn't have cheated on his wife to begin with.

With that being said, if someone wants to forgive their cheating spouse, it's up to them, but I wouldn't expect that from anyone. For the person who gets forgiveness---they should count their lucky stars, and make sure it never happens again. And understand that what they did is irreversable and has caused permanent scarring on the spouse (and children, if there is any, and anyone else involved).

Yes, some people do survive, but in all reality, the memories and hurt are always going to be there in the back of the victims mind. Memories fade, but never go away.

If my DH cheated, I would not 'stand by my man'.

 

[Deb in IA]

Why would you think was fighting for his marriage?


Looks like he didn't fight at all.


Jenny was making all the attempts to save the marriage. She spoke initially of forgiveness, and in this recent article, of many unsuccessful efforts at reconciliation. What more is she to do?

You can't MAKE someone love you, or not love someone else.

It is clear that Mark Stanford does not want to be married to her, and is not fighting for anything.

(well, maybe fighting to get OUT of the marriage . . . )

 

[bumbershoot]

I don't think infidelity can make a marriage better. There are much better ways to deal with marriage problems.

It's not the cheating that makes it better. It's the realizing that the spouses want to be together and working their bums off to make it happen, and happen healthily.

I haven't been cheated on, but when hubby and I were engaged we went through a nasty patch where I came home one day to find a half-empty apartment and a note saying "sorry". This was only a week after a new husband of a friend of mine did the same thing, without the note, and with quite a bit of theft of combined funds. The husband never allowed communication, he refused to let her fight for their marriage. My then-fiance did allow it, and the work we did on our relationship is what made us stronger than we ever were before. If we hadn't had "the troubles" as we call them, we wouldn't be here at all.

If a couple decides to do that work, put in the time, take it seriously, it can definitely make a marriage stronger than it was before.

But it (cheating) is not something to do in order to make a marriage stronger; that's laughable and I hope no one takes that post to mean that.


I personally can't help but think of the timing of Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman's marriage after his divorce from his first wife, and the fact that he had kids with the first wife...people want to put down pronouncements like once a cheater always a cheater, and women who have relationships with married men don't love the men...but there are ALWAYS going to be exceptions, and the above couple definitely seemed to be one of them. Of course, you don't know if you're part of an exception until the end...