I feel sooo lost....I need help.

[ryanshana]

I really don't even know where to start. I really need support....my friends are great, but none of them have gone through anything like this. I just need to write away to my dis friends for support cause I need all the help I can get!

I found out my husband is cheating on me. I can't even believe that I am typing those words. There is so much more to the back story of this but my head hurts so bad from receiving all this information over the past 24 hrs. I really do not know what to do or say. I guess there were signs that I should have known but even two days ago we were out to dinner and he was talking about getting our boys names tattooed on him and then preceded to ask me when we were going to get a tattoo wedding band and that he still wanted to get my name tattoo on him (which I have always said was a bad idea). Maybe we aren't fit for each other...fine....but my poor baby boys. I don't know what do to. I am just at a lost for words.

Well here is where I need help. I have been staying at home for 5 years now. He admitting to the cheating on a text message to me (yeah real cowardly, right?). So I have that...thinking that will help....I'm not going to be truly screwed in the outcome of the divorce right? Like he will have to take care of his boys and me. I am just sooo worried because I do not have a job and I am worried about finding a job in this economy.

I just need to know there are other people out there that have been and got thru this. I am so at a lost for words.





Sorry for the excessive "smileys" just how I feel!

 

[AprilShowers]

 

[tonilea]

No advice, just .

 

[cepmom]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have been hearing so much of this lately, from friends, online etc...it's scary. I just can't imagine having that happening to me. I don't know anything about how child/spousal support would work in your case; sorry

 

[RadioNate]

I'm sorry.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I am sure you are feeling all sorts of things all over the place.

And may I say, what odd behavior. If he wanted you two to tattoo wedding rings on while he's been cheating...that's just not very normal, don't you think?

Are you sure the marriage is done? It would be if I were in your shoes but I'm not. Do you want to end the marriage because of his cheating? Does he?

Regardless, I give you hugs!

How long have you been married? Usually, he would have to do some spousal suppport and of course he would have to pay child support until the kids are 18. I know there are many factors and it depends on each state.

Do you have a degree or HS Diploma? What did you do before you were married?

You CAN get through this. My sister's husband left her when her baby was 16 months. That baby is now 19 and in her second year of college.

 

[Shmily1]

Most important right now is . You are still in shock from all of this and hugs are really important.

I'm not sure of PA laws, but most states make sure the children are taken care of very well and also that moms that haven't worked get some compensation for having stayed home and now needing to get a job. I would still be looking for a job, daycare, etc, but you won't be left on the street according to most states' laws.

Good luck to you.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Get a good lawyer and start looking for a job. As far as getting screwed, that depends on your financial situation. If you have alot of debt, then it will make it harder for you.

The biggest thing for my SIL, who worked no less, was having to refinance the house into her name. She had to have her parents co-sign on her loan. She also had to assume the loan for her car.

I am so sorry...I guess get down to business and cry later, right? Hang in there...

 

[JessicaR]

I am so sorry you are going through this right now. All I can offer are hugs and support.

I remember a post similar to yours that received a reply that was so terrific. All the things you need to do to get your ducks in a row. I am going to look for it and hopefully that person will post again after seeing this.

 

[mickeyboat]

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Don't rush into anything, but do start getting your ducks all in a row. Don't let your fear stop you from making important moves - it's a good time to talk to a lawyer, to copy all your important financial documents, to see a doctor about possible STD exposure, to look into schooling or the job market, and to take extra special care of those little boys.

Disney Doll gives incredibly good advice for these situations, so if she does post here, please listen to her.

Be careful about how much you share on this forum. It is public!

This is the time for you to stand strong! You can do it!

 

[NY Disney fan]

An excellent, excellent site: www.survivinginfidelity.com

 

[happygirl]

I have no words of wisdom just prayers and hugs

 

[Missy1961]

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Don't rush into anything, but do start getting your ducks all in a row. Don't let your fear stop you from making important moves - it's a good time to talk to a lawyer, to copy all your important financial documents, to see a doctor about possible STD exposure, to look into schooling or the job market, and to take extra special care of those little boys.

Disney Doll gives incredibly good advice for these situations, so if she does post here, please listen to her.

Be careful about how much you share on this forum. It is public!

This is the time for you to stand strong! You can do it!

Great advice here.

Hugs to you. I wish I could help you more.

 

[swald91]

I agree with mickeyboat...this is a public forum & you may want to be careful what you share here. Unfortunately, I have no advice for you, but my well wishes. I am sure you will get some terrific advice here-stay strong and good luck.

 

[JessicaR]

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Don't rush into anything, but do start getting your ducks all in a row. Don't let your fear stop you from making important moves - it's a good time to talk to a lawyer, to copy all your important financial documents, to see a doctor about possible STD exposure, to look into schooling or the job market, and to take extra special care of those little boys.

Disney Doll gives incredibly good advice for these situations, so if she does post here, please listen to her.

Be careful about how much you share on this forum. It is public!

This is the time for you to stand strong! You can do it!

Wow! How funny, thats the person I was searching for her posts. And..we both said ducks in a row. Thanks!

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Mystery Machine has good advice with getting a lawyer. Find out as much as you can about your finances. Get copies and keep a folder. Start squirreling away some money in an account for yourself, for emergency money. Whatever you can.

Did you work before? If it was a field that needs certification, start looking into recertification. If not, whatever skills you have try to brush up on them. Start putting together a new resume. Find a way to use whatever volunteering, school support role, any activity that could translate to a marketable skill.

I hope Disney Doll posts on this thread. She has offered really good advice when things like this happen.

Good luck with everything and keep us posted.

 

[EthansMom]

Even if you want to work on keeping your marriage together, I would recommend making copies of all of financial documents (investment statements, house docs, etc...) and getting them put away someplace safe (a friend or family member's home, for instance).

Also, put away a little money for yourself, just in case. If you think things are heading south, take half the money in your joint accounts and put it an account at a different bank in just your name.

You should also start looking for a job. And if you don't have one, get a credit card in just your name.

These things will all help you if things don't work out with your marriage.

For me, cheating is an issue of trust. We all have moments where we think the grass might be greener with someone else. But to lie to the person to whom you've made a commitment in order to check out that grass is disrespectful, IMO.

Only you can decide whether to stay in this relationship and try to allow your husband to earn your trust again.

 

[Chicago526]

I'm so sorry!

Even if you aren't sure if you want a divorce or not, there are steps you should take right away incase you do decide to head down this road. None of these things will make it impossible for you to reconcile later if that's what you want, but NOT doing these things could make you lose out in a big way if you do divorce.

First, you need to pull your credit report and see what's on it (pull his too if you can). If you do not have a credit card and bank account in your sole name, get one. If you sign up for online access to these accounts DO NOT USE user names/passwords you've used in the past, and DO NOT use anything he can guess. Use totally random letters and numbers, dont even use phrases or words, and don't use signifigant dates.

Once you have your credit card and bank accounts open, you should put a fraud alert on your reports and your childrens reports (parents have been know to open accounts in their childrens names!). You need to make copies of all financial documents including bank statements, 401k or retirement plan balances, tax returns, online stock trading accounts, credit card balances, mortgage documents, anything you can think of. Keep these copies in a safe place outside of the home that your husband can't access.


If your husband controls the finances, make sure he's been paying all the bills on time. If he's been skipping mortgage or car payements, you need to find out NOW. Check on all your accounts, including car insurance and utilities.

Change all your online passwords for email, message boards (including the Dis), social websites, and anything else you don't want him to have access to. If he knows your screen names, don't post anything you don't want him to read under your user name, create new user names. If you sign up for new message boards related to divorce or infidelity, don't use screen names you've used in the past. YOu don't want him reading your posts and anticipating your moves, or learning what you know and don't know about his actions. Always be sure to delete you history, cache, anything he can use to back track your online use. It wont' stop him if he's super computer savy, but will stop the average user from finding out much. Better yet, get your own computer or laptop that's password protected (see my warning above about passwords) that he can't access if you possibly can.

Schedule an appointment with several lawyers. Try to find out the biggest, baddest shark of a divorce lawyer in your area. Even if you don't hire them, the initial consultation usually will mean that he/she can't then take your DH as a client! You want to see several layers to find one that you think you'll work well with, and of course afford.

Start working on your resume. Include any volunteer work you may have done since you started to stay at home, even stuff you did for your kids school could be helpfull. If you think you need more schooling or if you need to re-certify for something, start the ball rolling on that too. Meanwhile, see if you can get a part-time job to get some money flowing in (full time is better of course, but you may have child care issues that prevent that).

Speaking of money, becareful about moving money around your joint accounts. You can't clean them out completely as you can get into huge trouble later on. Most advise you can safely take up to half, but it's one of the things you should ask your lawyer about.

And finally. YOU CAN NO LONGER TRUST ANYTHING YOUR HUSBAND TELLS YOU. That's not to say he is lieing about all things all the time, but you simply cannot take anything he says at face value anymore. He may tell you he'll take care of you and the kids, that he'll pay the mortgage and the car loan and health insurance and all of that. Then a few weeks or a few months down the road, when he starts feeling less guilty and starts to realise how little money he'll have after a divorce, he may change his tune. He may tell you he only cheated once, he may tell you it was only with one woman. He may tell you a lot of things. They may be true, They may be true when he says them but not so much later on, they may be half truths, they may only be true in his little universe. DO NOT TRUST HIM.

 

[java]

I'm sorry. You can do this.

 

[wall*e2008]

First you need a .

Then you need to get a copy of all of your financial records - insurance policies, taxes, recent paychecks, 401K balances, bank accounts etc.

Open a CC and bank account in your own name and then move money into that account. You will not be stealing, since it is your money and you will account for how you spent it later.

This is in preparation for the divorce.

The cheating will not really help you but he will be obligated to pay child support and you can negotiate alimony. You may want to not take alimony and get a bigger settlement, since you lose alimony on a remarriage.

Good luck.