I feel like a bad mom right now

[momx2]

I just posted this on the Family Board, but wanted to post here since I think there are more posters here. It's long....sorry.

My DD 12, turned 12 in December. Up until then I had given her a $5 per week allowance to go to the movies, etc. with friends. Right around her 12 birthday she started going out a lot with friends (always a parent along) to the movies, to eat, etc. It seemed like I was giving her $10 bucks every time I turned around so I raised her allowance to $12 per week, paid to her bi-monthly (when I get paid) to her at $26 per payment or $52 per month. Also, I should note that for the past 2 years she has been going 2x per week to play with the little kids next door, sort as a mother's helper. She gets $5 per week for that.

All was well until this past week. We left for vacation as soon as school was out. She was given $50 by my dad to spend on vacation. Well, she spent that and most of her other money too. We came back home and her friends are running all over the place. Movies all the time, the mall and sleep overs. I think it's getting to be a bit much, but their "bored." My DD had soccer camp the past 2 weeks so she wasn't out as much as her friends, but she did manage to go to the mall and movie with them once and blew her entire 1/2 month allowance. Now she's broke.

She just called me wanting me to take her and a friend to the movies. I took her and friend to the movies last week, my treat. She also managed to bum $5 from my dad and scraped up change to go to the movies again last night and to eat at Zaxbys. She also had a friend sleep over here. She said a guy friend of hers was meeting them today and he was loaning her $7 until next week. I said she couldn't borrow money from friends. Then she asked to borrow from me and I said no. I think I did the right thing, but I feel terrible.

I also should add that she has quit going next door to help because she just can't handle the 4 year old anymore....please, cry me a river. she is also going to the water park tomorrow with a friend, friend's mom's treat and to see the mid-night Twlight movie Tuesday night, another friend's mom's treat.

All the other kids just get handed the money, but I put her on an allowance to help her learn to manage money. Is $52 per month enough??? I think it is, but now I'm second guessing everything. Also, she plays competitive soccer and I just made her last Spring installment payment and just forked over $415 for two soccer camps this month and have to begin paying her fall soccer payments in July. Her other friends don't really do that kind of stuff and they have more time on their hands and they don't have the expensive sport mine does.

I know this is so long, but am I doing the right thing? Please tell me if I'm not, I feel like the other parents are going to think I'm a scrooge.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Depends, really. How much money can you give her a month for her expenses?

I would say 52 a month to go and hang with friends going to movies, parks, etc., is not enough.

You would have to limit her time with friends to 3 things a month.

So you need to come to a compromise on how much she can go out with friends or raise her allowance.

 

[Freyja]

You are a GREAT mother by teaching your daughter how to manager her own finances. Keep up the good work!

She´s also old enough to understand that you are spending a lot of money on her sport activities and that you can´t have it all.

 

[AristocatFan]

If you want her to learn how to manage her money, then you are doing the right thing. I think $52 a month for a 12yr old is plenty. My kids would have loved that! But then, we don't do allowance. Them receiving money for an activity always depends on whether they've kept up with their chores.

 

[Kimberle]

$52 does sound like a lot of money for a 12yo. But, then, movies, etc. have gotten so expensive. I think what you should do is sit down an make a list of what activities/purchases are exceptable for your family. Write down the prices, and add it up. In our area, a kids afternoon movie ticket is $8, icee $4.50, candy, $4.00, thats $16.50 for an afternoon.

It's like when you get your first job, $500/week sounds like a fortune. But then you sit down and figure taxes, rent, food, insurance, etc. and it doesn't go near as far as you think.

Good luck finding a healthy balance for your family!

 

[momx2]

Depends, really. How much money can you give her a month for her expenses?

I would say 52 a month to go and hang with friends going to movies, parks, etc., is not enough.

You would have to limit her time with friends to 3 things a month.

So you need to come to a compromise on how much she can go out with friends or raise her allowance.

How much do you think would be reasonable? I'm new to this whole budgeting for a teen or pre-teen in her case. Now I do feel like a scrooge.....

 

[DisGirlAllie]

$52 a month is more than enough! I have lots of chores I do around the house and I’ve gotten $5 a week since I was 10. Honestly, she should be grateful she gets an allowance. Any money I spend on movies and such is from my babysitting.

 

[krcit]

I think $52 a month is plenty. You are not a bad mom and she is far from lacking in things to do. You are doing her a favor by not handing her $ every time she asks for it, believe me.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I think $52 a month is plenty. You are not a bad mom and she is far from lacking in things to do. You are doing her a favor by not handing her $ every time she asks for it, believe me.

Unless you're made of money OP then you are doing the right thing. Kids can't have everything they want. If they want something then they need to work for it, budget for it, save for it, etc. It's not as if you are giving her nothing and expecting her to deal with it. $52 a month is quite a bit of money. Stay strong.

 

[Bluestars]

I think $52 a month sounds like plenty of spending money. It sounds like she goes out a lot. I don't think it's necessary to increase it if you don't want to.


If she is too young to get babysitting jobs and earn her own money, you could always add extra chores around the house and yard so that she can earn additional money. Things that she wouldn't normally do, but would help you out. That's only if you think she should have more money.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

How much do you think would be reasonable? I'm new to this whole budgeting for a teen or pre-teen in her case. Now I do feel like a scrooge.....

It is not you are a scrooge. You want your dd to have fun with her friends and the facts are that activities cost money. I mean movies alone are insane with cost.

As a PP said you need to help her with the budgeting and then find a healthy balance.

Frankly, you could do it backwards. She goes out with $$, she comes back and logs in the money spent with receipts.

Then the log book adds up and that is when you will find the compromise.

You need to track every cent so she can see how much she is spending on stuff.

I mean if she blows it all at one place she is DONE for the week. I would NOT give her a monthy allowance anymore. It is clear she cannot handle budgeting quite yet.

 

[traviesojmt]

Personally, I think that kids need to learn to be able to chose their activities and not necessary get to "do it all". I just paid over $200 for my son to go to church camp this week. I also sent money for snacks and canteen time. Well, as it turns out, paintball is extra ($20). I told him that I would sign the permission slip for paintball but he would have to pay for it. Guess what? It wasn't as important when he needed to pay for it. He had the money, but he didn't want to spend "his" money. I know that $20 isn't much, but this isn't his only camp this summer. I know I may be in the minority, but I don't think that our kids should have to be entertained all the time. Bored? Read a book. Go outside and play. I think that $52 is completely fine. I know that I had no where near that type of money when I was 12.

 

[It'sWDW4me]

Please don't let my DS know how much you give your daughter or I'll be up the creek! DS (14 as of the beginning of May) gets $10 each time he mows the yard. That's my way of giving him his allowance because he stopped doing his chores but still expected an allowance. Now he gets paid per chore - extra money only if he does something he doesn't normally have to do.

Seriously, you ARE trying to teach her money management (a very good thing to be taught, IMHO). That's what I'm trying to do with DS, too. Right now, she's spending beyond her means. If she doesn't learn to get control of her spending, she'll need a bailout from the household government! There will ALWAYS be something cool and fun that she really. wants. to do. She's going to need to learn how to pick and choose because you (general) just can't possibly afford to do everything that you want to do (unless you've got a money tree in your backyard!).

Stay strong mom!

 

[DVCLiz]

No one can tell you the "right" amount, so I agree with other posters who have advised you to make a budget. Sit down with her when you are both in a friendly mood and make a list of all the things she wants to do, and how much they cost. Then decide how much you can reasonably afford to give her and how she might earn more to do other things not on your list.

She is after all only 12 and she does not have many opportunities to earn.

 

[JessicaR]

I think at 12 if she requires more $ than her allowance she should be looking to make money elsewhere. Babysit - mother helper - mow lawns (I did that!) lots of avenues to pursue. Let her earn it even if she earns it doing something for you!

 

[Luv2Scrap]

This is the part where she learns to prioritize and budget! My son is 13 and he gets much less than that. However, if he goes to an occasional movie or something, I usually provide the money for that, because it's so expensive it would take up a significant part of his allowance. But he knows that once his money is gone, it's gone.

Is there really nothing she can do with her friends that doesn't cost so much? Hanging out doesn't always have to be expensive!

 

[curious3069]

Maybe your daughter could come up with fun things to do with your friends that don't cost $$. I wouldn't up her allowance, if you really want to teach her the value of $$, she needs to learn to prioritize her spending and to live within her means. She didn't have to spend all of her allowance at the mall and at the movies. I would definitely bring the cost of her various soccer camps into the discussion. That's a lot of money and she should understand how much that cuts into the family's finances.

You feeling like a bad mom means that she's got you right where she wants you!!!

Please keep in mind this is coming from someone who had the $$ just handed to them. Super fun when I was young, not fun when at 21 I was clueless about living within my means!!!

 

[cruisnfamily]

Personally, I think that kids need to learn to be able to chose their activities and not necessary get to "do it all".

This

I went thru exactly what you are going thru with my DD the summer before she turned 13. I mean exactly! Every time I turned around it was $10, $20, $30 for something. So I decided to start an allowance at that time because I wanted her to learn that you can't do it all. You have X amount of money, you can't go rollerskating and to the movies, pick ONE. We as adults aren't "entertained" with activities every day of our lives. I don't want her to be the kind of person who runs up her credit cards later in life because she doesn't have enough cash on hand to do it all.

The allowance went until the summer after 8th grade. At which point she was told the gravy train stops here. If you want to finance your social life, get a job! So she did. She's been working at the local grocery store for 3 1/2 years now. We require half her paycheck to go into her bank account and the other half she can spend on any darn thing she wants. But if she runs out, she runs out. With that half that went into her bank account, she was able to buy her own car last summer and she still puts half her paycheck in savings and pays her car insurance and car repairs out of savings.

It's worked out well for us and taught her how to prioritize with her money and not "do it all".

Good luck with your dilemma, it's really tough, I've been right where you are.

So, in answer to your original post, I think you've got the $$ amount just right and you're doing the right thing. And no, I would not allowing borrowing or lending to friends. It just never works out well.

 

[LisaInNc]

I think that you are right.

She needs to learn that she can't do everything that she wants to. That is how a lot of adults get into credit card debt. They want things right now.

I think that you are smart to make her budget her money and if she runs out....oh well. It's a good lession. As a parent that might be difficult to do but she has to learn that sometime. If not now when?

My DD is 9 and she gets 9.00 a week. She gets a 1.00 for each year she is. She has to put some of it in the bank for college. She has to donate a small amount to charity and she has to budget the rest. She is learning slowly how to save up for bigger things. I am trying to teach he how to save and how to manage her money.

She loses her allowance if she misbehaves which is rare but it's a very powerful punishment. I don't allow her to nag, complain or roll her eyes. Those things she can lose her allowance for. Trust me it works like a charm!

Lisa

 

[hereyago]

DD11 tried this. I asked her to look at my butt and see if money was shooting out of it. She said no, I said because I am not an ATM.

And your DD wants to give up the Mother's helper job?

It's called Tough Love for a reason.

I am not worried about my kid being upset with me because I will not fund her entertainment at all times and neither should you.