I don't know what to say

[RKB]

We just found out that my husband's cousin has terminal pancreatic cancer. We got a card to send to her. We are all going to write a personal message to her (me, husband and our three kids). The only thing is I don't know what to say! I feel terrible about this and I don't want to say the wrong thing and make her feel worse. What is the best thing to write to someone who just got such a horrific diagnosis? I am hoping that someone can help me with this. TIA!

 

[safetymom]

The first thing I would do is tell them you love her. Then I would tell them you will be there if they need anything. Then just do little things for them along the way. Chances are they won't say what they need.

Be there to listen if they need to talk. Share some memories.

I will keep her in my prayers.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

As someone whose husband is still battling this horrid disease, Pancreatic Cancer, I have to say I hate it when people say to me when they know what he has that they are sorry.... But for some reason, my husband does not look sick and has been doing this, it will be 4 years in November. Now I know that many do not make it past the 5 year mark and some die within the first year, but if I were receiving a card, what I would want is for it to contain would be hope.......hope for the family, hope for the patient, and lots of love and support...

Support is the key thing, people tend to back away and I am speaking from experience, including family, when they hear a diagnosis of this sort. They do not want to be around it or hear about it.

So these are my thoughts this morning only after a few sips of coffee, I hate PC.......but to your family member as SafetyMom has said previously, I would write words of hope, tell them you will be there when they need you, ask if there is anything you can do.. Not sure if he will be having treatment, but the treatment can be 5 days a week and if you are close by, offer to take one of those trips for them...and most of all how much you care about all of them. Caretakers need those words too.

PC is terminal.. my husband is terminal, he is just living his life with a terminal illness..

Hugs, be supportive and do not be scared to write what it is in your heart.....with hope.

 

[antmaril]

I recently lost my husband to pancreatic cancer after an eight month battle. Pancreatic cancer is a monster and receiving this diagnosis is devastating. I agree with Marsha (Mackey Mouse) that you should just say what is in your heart. We received many, many cards from family and friends offering prayers and support. We appreciated every one.

My heart goes out to your cousin, her husband and your entire family. Just be there for them. It is so very important to the caregiver and the patient.

 

[kimis]

It is important that you do send cards. They do mean a lot. When my mom was dying of cancer the cards were special to us. She knows that you don't know what to say===she doesn't either. But she will love knowing that you cared. You are in my prayers.

 

[julm26]

My mom died from Pancreatic Cancer in February 2008 after a 4 year battle. IT is a beast of a disease, and leaves no one unharmed in its wake. Just send a card with your feelings, and give them HOPE, because right now they feel NO HOPE... and continue to send cards, don't forget about them.

PC is terminal - your cousin will probably not survive this, but she can at least know that many people care about her... God Bless....

I cry everyday for my mom, it breaks my heart to hear about another person affected by PAncreatic Cancer.....

Julie

 

[Rustysmom]

My mom died of pancreatic cancer in March and I agree with what everyone said. Keep in touch with her a lot. My mom was forgotten, except by us. My FIL came to see her once in the hospital and never called her after that or even sent flowers or a card. My cousin didn't call her much, and her best friend called but only talked about her own problems.

 

[RKB]

Thanks everyone. We sent her a nice family card. And we will keep your other suggestions in mind as well.

 

[alizesmom]

Another thing that is often appreciated is to offer to do some small task for the family such as picking up kids from school, babysitting, fixing a meal etc. Karen

 

[zumbergc]

Depending about the health of the whole family, you might offer to help out in some ways, some of it depends on how much extra time you have, and how close you live.

Like if the husband always did the lawn, maybe offer to stop by and do the lawn, and trim the hedges, etc.

Since there are lots of dr appointments, sometimes ordinary chores get overlooked. Depending on the health, even helping out cleaning in the house chores would be surely welcomed. Offering to make a run to the grocery store.

If there are kids, maybe take them out for something fun, to take a break.

My mom passed away from breast cancer in april. Sometime people say, if you need help with anything give me a call, but your not sure about exactly what they would feel comfortable doing.
But, if you offer suggestions of things you would happy to help with, and you may need to offer more than once for someone to accept the help.

Definitely send cards, mom loved getting cards from family!!
Connie

 

[CarolAnnC]

You have had some great advice here on how to deal with the news of pancreatic cancer in your family member.

I have to say (picking up on something Marsha spoke about) that we are ALL terminal. Some of us are going to pass way too soon, and some of us will be around longer. But the fact is, that we will all one day leave this earth.

It is not the number of days we have, but how we live those days to the fullest. Keep a positive attitude, seek happiness in life, and live with no regrets. And give your loved ones a hug and a kiss every day...