I am so mad at my DH I can hardly stand it! (long)

[RadioNate]

I just feel the resentment building inside of me. Today he went golfing. Now the occasional golf outing isn't a huge deal and usually it doesn't bother me but today I'm FUMING.

DH has been super busy, super stressed and a super pain in my rear for the last 2 weeks. All the while I've been on DS duty. Don't get be wrong I love my son but I need a break too!

DH gets up at 6 and is out of the house by 630. DS is up at 7 and I take him to preschool at 8. I pick him up at 1230 and then it is DS and I until DH comes home between 6-630. We eat and DS is in bed by 8. After that DH is on his computer working. This is normal, except for the nights he announced for the local pro hockey team. Then he isnt' home until 1030pm. This month there are 4 weekday home game (8 total). DS and I attend the weekend games but even then it is just me alone with DS. Oh and then there is the Sunday Show when he's gone from 8am until about 1230.

Today's golf outing just sent me over the edge. He's been gone 11 HOURS!

I feel like a single parent and I'm sick of it! I don't have any help, I don't have family near by and I want to have a life too! I want to have fun with adults without having to drag DS along.

DH's solution to my misery today "call another mom and have a playdate." I dont' want to have a playdate. I want to see MY friends or do one of my hobbies not sit at the park and police DS while listening to him cry for Daddy because Daddy pushes him higher.

I'm angry and I don't know what to do. I should have told him not to go. He would have stayed home but he also would have pouted about it all day and then expected me to come up with a great game plan of what to do all day.

I need to know how other women deal with this. Especially SAHMs or people with no family around.

If you made it through my vent, thanks for listening.

 

[WatchinCaptKangaroo]

Call up some friends, make plans for a girls night (or day) out, tell DH your plans and go have fun!

 

[Beth76]

My first advice would be to plan a spa day, preferably with a girlfriend, some Saturday and leave DH and DS to spend the day together. If you're really craving more family time, start planning some outings to the zoo, museums etc and mark them on the calendar and let your DH know that you've made plans for certain days.

 

[ktpool]

I agree with the other advice. Make your plans, THEN tell your husband what you are doing in a quiet, calm manner. Make a note for the fridge (or wherever) so he can't say he forgot. Then go and have a guilt free time. That will be the hardest part of all!

Honestly, I have 2 young children and travel 4 or 5 times a year for work and once a year for fun...some people ask me how my husband feels about it or how I get him to 'babysit'? Huh??? He is as much the parent as I am, so I don't feel bad about doing some things for me. He doesn't feel bad when he goes hunting or works in the shop till midnight.
Go fo it!

 

[DisTeach1]

Do you drop your son at preschool everyday at 8 and pick him up at 12:30 every day? Because that's 4 1/2 hours a day of alone time that I don't have!!! You could use that time to go for manicures, etc. Maybe what you really need is more family time or more time alone with your husband, not more time for you, because it sounds like you have that every day.

 

[diznygirl]

I agree that you should make plans and tell HIM when YOU are going out, instead of the other way around. Get out - even if it's just a PTA meeting! You pretty much know his schedule, so it shouldn't be a problem to find some time when he's not busy.

And you should definitely NOT keep this bottled up. Make sure DH knows how you feel. Guys have an uncanny ability to be ignorant of their SO's feelings.

 

[tmt martins]

Thats Funny

Not really but my DW was the same way .I was always (until this year ) involved in 1 sport ( Motorcycles ,Jetskis ,Paintball )or another year around every weekend .Now most they would come along but for the travel dates it was just me me me.

Now she has complained for 12 years during the week it's 50/50 I do what she needs but come weekends it was Family on Sat me gone on Sun.

I had to finally tell her to find a hobby and STOP BLAMING ME .When you come up with something let me know and I will work it in for you.She revolved her life around DD and thats not my fault . She knew going in before we even married that if you want it to work I have to have 1 outlet that is not morally damaging ( nightclub,drinking,and so forth)

Now every Friday I know it's just me and DD for the night as she goes to BINGO with DM, DAunt ,and some other ladies.

My advise is just DO IT and tell him he has to find a way don't make it a surprise or anything just let him know on such and such I will be at SO and SO.

 

[EthansMom]

to you. I just blew up at my DH earlier today for pretty much the same thing. Usually, MIL will take the kids for an afternoon, but she's a hypochondriac and has been "sick" for the last 4 weeks and unavailable to watch the kids.

Then, yesterday, DH went to help FIL and SMIL move some furniture before the kids and I were even out of bed. We all had lunch together, but then DH decided to go run errands and have a few beers with his dad. So other than lunch, we didn't see DH until 8 p.m. as the kids were going to bed!!! Hello, we don't see you much during the week and then you spend ALL DAY with your dad, who couldn't be bothered to visit you once during all the years you lived away!? I was steaming.

What really gets my goat is that DH thinks nothing of making plans to go do something and then saying, "Well, I'm leaving..." as he's going out the door and leaving me and/or the kids to do whatever on our own. But heads would roll if I woke up on a Saturday or Sunday morning and said, "Well, I'm heading out for coffee with SIL this morning," and left DH home with kids without prior arrangement. It's totally not fair that OUR kids are MY responsibility more than DH's.

Don't know if it helps, but I gave my DH a thorough tongue lashing and asked him to start checking before making other plans. For instance, if DH had asked before making plans to run errands yesterday afternoon with FIL, I would have said, "Actually, with the weather so nice, I'd like it if you went to the park with the kids and I, this afternoon."

 

[dmslush]

I agree with the other advice. Make your plans, THEN tell your husband what you are doing in a quiet, calm manner. Make a note for the fridge (or wherever) so he can't say he forgot. Then go and have a guilt free time. That will be the hardest part of all!

Honestly, I have 2 young children and travel 4 or 5 times a year for work and once a year for fun...some people ask me how my husband feels about it or how I get him to 'babysit'? Huh??? He is as much the parent as I am, so I don't feel bad about doing some things for me. He doesn't feel bad when he goes hunting or works in the shop till midnight.
Go fo it!

Same here! I don't get the dad 'babysitting' idea. He's not babysitting, he's just doing his job as a parent! DD is now 14, but I also travel approximately 4 times a year with my job and don't have a BIT of problem leaving her with SO (who just adopted her). It is his job to take care of her, just as much as it is mine.

OP, do as the others say, make your plans and leave the child with DH.

 

[ImaFunMom]

Yes to the girls' night out. Make plans and go have fun! You need the break and it will help prevent burn out. You need to do something for yourself now and then.

 

[justhat]

My husband is a 4th year medical student and so he's gone a lot everyday, since the day my daughter was born. He took off 1 day from school, the day she was born, a Thursday, he was back in school Friday and when I got home from the hospital Saturday I had him that day and Sunday and have basically been a single parent to her since then. We have no family in this area either and though we have a lot of friends here, almost all of them had their 2nd or 3rd baby within months of my daughter's birth so we couldn't really ask them to help out. We have another baby coming in August and my husband will be in his 2nd month as an intern then so he'll be home even less and I worry about my sanity sometimes!

But like you, my daughter is in preschool everyday from 8-11:30 so that's time I have for me (though since I'm pregnant now it's usually spent sleeping!) and then when my husband is home he has certain responsibilities with our daughter, like bathing is his job for example. Things like that (he also does the bedtime routine when he's here) give me some time to me too (like the fact that I'm on here now cause he's brushing her teeth). When he is home though, we really do family activities only and that really helps us share the responsibility while spending time together and with our daughter too. Also, if my husband has to go to a store he'll take our daughter with him to give me a break and she loves to go out with daddy so it all works out well.

It's hard when you don't have family cause babysitters get expensive and the little time we have together we really do like to spend as a family, but if you can find ways to get 'me time' while you're all home or something I'd try for that first.

 

[Sandcass]

Yeah, I've been there. All I can say is and I hope it gets better.

 

[Tiffann4k]

Do you drop your son at preschool everyday at 8 and pick him up at 12:30 every day? Because that's 4 1/2 hours a day of alone time that I don't have!!!

LOL Thats what I was thinking! Dont get me wrong, I CHOOSE to stay at home and I CHOOSE to homeschool my children but I find it hard to feel sorry for people that complain they need a break when their children are in school all day or at the babysitters all day( or even a few hours a day) etc. Guess I will never understand that. I get a few hours break a week ( generally 4 hours a week) I dont really need "time for myself" or "a life" my children are my life...

Just my .02 cents worth anyhow

 

[dmslush]

LOL Thats what I was thinking! Dont get me wrong, I CHOOSE to stay at home and I CHOOSE to homeschool my children but I find it hard to feel sorry for people that complain they need a break when their children are in school all day or at the babysitters all day( or even a few hours a day) etc. Guess I will never understand that. I get a few hours break a week ( generally 4 hours a week) I dont really need "time for myself" or "a life" my children are my life...

Just my .02 cents worth anyhow

I guess the best way that I could explain it is that while I chose to be a mother, being a mother doesn't define me. My child is not my life, never has been. I love her dearly of course, but she is not my life. I see being a mother as a part of me, but not all of me. My job with her is to raise her to be a productive member of society, know right from wrong, know how to give love and receive love, etc.. and a lot of that I do simply by example. My goal is for her to be able to leave home and take care of herself. If she were my life, what would I do when she left? How would I function if all of my life for the past 18 years had been wrapped completely around her except for a few hours a week? If mom were my only job, what would I do when there was no one here to be mom to?

 

[RadioNate]

Well I think it is important to have a grown up life outside of your children and I know I need to regain that for myself. It hard though when you've lived in 7 states in the last 10 years. I never chose to be a SAHM, while I'm lucky that my DH makes enough money that I can stay home, it was never the path I saw myself on. I worked up until the time we moved here. I actually transferred and worked the first 3 months or so but I had taken a position cut and it was hard for me to go from being the boss to being a worker bee. Soon after the division was restructered and closed so I would have ended up w/out a job any way.

While I do enjoy time with DS, I'm a very social person and thrive on being around people. Yes, I have time in the mornings while DS is in school. Mostly that time is spent cleaning, grocery shopping, running other errands and things like Drs appointments. All things I do ALONE. I'd love it if I spent my time shopping or lunching but all my friends work so they aren't available.

I'm sorry I get lonely when my only company is a 4 year old.

Part of my frustration is also that it is hard for me to make plans. All my friend have their work to schedule around and since my DHs job is very busy and somewhat unpredictable I have to work around his schedule too. That makes things tough. For example Tuesday is the only day this week that he can watch DS. He has hockey Mon, Wed, Sat and his regional boss is in town Thursday and Fri so he can't commit to being there for DS.

I've contacted a few friends about doing something on Tuesday so hopefully they will be free.

Thanks to the people who understood why I was frustrated.
I'm making plans to go out with a friend on Tuesday I know that will help.

 

[RadioNate]

I guess the best way that I could explain it is that while I chose to be a mother, being a mother doesn't define me. My child is not my life, never has been. I love her dearly of course, but she is not my life. I see being a mother as a part of me, but not all of me. My job with her is to raise her to be a productive member of society, know right from wrong, know how to give love and receive love, etc.. and a lot of that I do simply by example. My goal is for her to be able to leave home and take care of herself. If she were my life, what would I do when she left? How would I function if all of my life for the past 18 years had been wrapped completely around her except for a few hours a week? If mom were my only job, what would I do when there was no one here to be mom to?

Thanks for your example. I definately feel the same way. I adore my DS but I need something independent of him. Today I felt those other parts of me slipping away and that got very scary and frustrating. I know that I need to get out with other adults to reconnect with those parts of myself.

Oh and I'm not really angry at DH. He knew his day took much longer than expected and was sorry for that. He was also very willing to sit down and pick a day that he could be on DS duty (see my post about Tuesday).

 

[jfulcer]

Then instead of crabbing at your DH and the DIS that you don't get the along time. My DW complains that she didn't get her time, time with her friends/hobbies. When she finally understood that I'm NOT her secretary and allotting her time is HER job and she scheduled something, I am PERFECTLY willing and capabale of taking care of our kids for any number of hours unsupervised. And yes, it's NOT babysitting.

We have a normal calendar in the kitchen but it has columns for each of us, and we put our 'time' on there. Of course, Tai Kwon do and Choir/etc is there for the kids, but she's got HER stuff she's done, I've got MY stuff I'm doing, and we've got the stuff we do together.

Nobody is going to make time for you. YOU need to make it for YOURSELF.

 

[FreshTressa]

I've given up with my DH

I just live my life with little expectation of him, then when he does do something good, I'm happily surprised.

It seems so unfair how as women, we usually get stuck with the kid chores all the time.

 

[RadioNate]

Then instead of crabbing at your DH and the DIS that you don't get the along time. My DW complains that she didn't get her time, time with her friends/hobbies. When she finally understood that I'm NOT her secretary and allotting her time is HER job and she scheduled something, I am PERFECTLY willing and capabale of taking care of our kids for any number of hours unsupervised. And yes, it's NOT babysitting.

We have a normal calendar in the kitchen but it has columns for each of us, and we put our 'time' on there. Of course, Tai Kwon do and Choir/etc is there for the kids, but she's got HER stuff she's done, I've got MY stuff I'm doing, and we've got the stuff we do together.

Nobody is going to make time for you. YOU need to make it for YOURSELF.

Believe me I get that. I'm trying but it is hard when my DS and DH have most the available time scheduled already.

Like I said in my follow ups. It is getting resolved and I know I need to do better at planing what I want to do. And I don't really want ALONE time. I want to be able to do more 'fun' things with my friends AND family.

I just don't know why it isn't ok for me to be frustrated and lonely when he is jet setting all over the country and doing tons of 'fun' things (like going to Vegas for the Superbowl or to the NCAA finals next weekend) while I'm home alone.

 

[dmslush]

I just don't know why it isn't ok for me to be frustrated and lonely when he is jet setting all over the country and doing tons of 'fun' things (like going to Vegas for the Superbowl or to the NCAA finals next weekend) while I'm home alone.

It is okay for you to be frustrated and there are plenty of us moms who understand!!