I am sick....

[mykidsintow]

I know that I have been just "off" recently. I am going to just vent/go off/ramble/spill it. I am hoping maybe it will be theraputic.... I am not sure anything would really help right now.

As you all know I am married and I have 2 beautiful babies. We decided to try surrogacy. My online friendof 7 yrs offered to be our surrogate. We were over-the-moon excited. She has 2 kids of her own, one was her bio, one her partners. She is a lesbian....

At the end of July she came here, all was well. 3 weeks ago we went there. We visited, met all of her family. We were *suppose*to inseminate, but her cycle didn't cooperate. The following weekend my husband went back to inseminate. I could not go, I was home with the kids. He was gone Thurs-Sun, 3 insems.

He gets home, all seems well. On Tuesday I get a letter from her that she is in love with my husband. "it became clear towards the beginning of our weekend together that we had undeniable feelings for each other".... UMM? Surely he is sane. Surely he will tell her to fly a kite. Oh no... he continues talking to her online. By the weekend he decided to go out of town to "get away and think".

As of last night he has admitted he has feelings for her. I will call a therapist tmw. He SAYS that he has not had loved me "in that way" in years. That this just brought it to light.... so them umm WHY were we going to have a kid? Is he nuts? I left for a couple of hrs last night. I had to get out, clear my mind. Turns out the entire time he was on the phone with her. TodayI went into town to the grocery, again he spent the time on the phone.

I am livid, angry, crushed, devistated, hurt, angry. I have no concept of his messed up mind. I don't understand how he could possibly be doing this to me.... but even more to our children.

So there you have it..... I am just sick

BTW, he still wants to go to Dis....Julia is looking forward to it, so he feels we should..... I prefer to just crawl in a hole.....

 

[StormTigger]

 

[TheChaoticChef]

Beth, I just wanted to give you a big ole HUG for what you're going through. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

 

[rpmdfw]

Beth, I don't have any idea what to say to this. I just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.

The only thing I KNOW about this is that you are an amazing person. Capable of more kindness and giving than anyone I've encountered in a very long time. Do not let this make you think less of yourself. You are truly remarkable, no matter what happens. Remember that.

Lean on us as much as you feel comfortable doing. We're here for you.

 

[Saxton]

Beth - I'm so sorry, I wish I had some words of wisdom but all I can do is offer support. I know that whatever happens you and the kids will be fine. You're a wonderful Mom and you've got enough love for the kids to make it through all this. Any chance you could take the kids to Disney by yourself? You might need a break from everything and what better place.

 

[OrlandoMike]

Beth,

I am still speechless with this news, it's been eating away at me since you told me a few days ago...

You know its bad enough when this happens to us childless folks, you pack your crap up, leave, and get on with life. I cant even imagine dealing with kids and this at the same time.

You know I, and the rest of us, are always here for you, WHENEVER you need us!

I guess that's all I can say for now........

 

[TinkerChelle]

My heart goes out to you..... You are in my thoughts and prayers....

 

[starann]

Beth,
I have been thinking of you since last week. HUGS HUGS HUGS. Is there any chance he wants to try couples therapy or has he made a decision on what he wants to do? If you can get into see a therapist together, it may help, or even if he was to go alone to 'clear' his mind or work out his issues.

Please know I am here, as we all are. If you need to talk to someone, pm me and I'll give you my number.


HUGS

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Beth,
I am so sorry! I can only imagine how hurt and betrayed you must feel! I don't think I would ever forgive DH if he did that to me. I definitely would never forgive my friend. Obviously we are all here for you! Hang in there and let us know what we can do to help!

 

[mykidsintow]

I just wanted to say thanks! I really needed a place that I could just let it out and you guys are awsome! I am very lucky be have this place to come.

I am not really sure. He says its been this way for years and nothing has changed. He won't stop talking to her. He says he will go to therapy (I have calls into 2 therapists). I am told we will start individually and then do therapy together. I hope that maybe it will get his head back on his shoulders. I am currently pouring all my efforts into remaining calm and stable with the kids. Julia is fine, Jared understands something is up.

He wants to take things slow. Go to therapy and if nothing really has changed after or trip next month he wants to begin copying paperwork, pictures, etc. He says it will be a slow drawn out process and should nothing have changed we will put the house on the market by the end of January. He wants to be civil about everything and remain respectful (for our kids), but he won't stop talking to her. I did really let off some steam last night..... I gave a real clear lesson on respect and how when I run to the grocery him calling her in the house WITH OUR KIDS is hardly respect.

I think he is confused..... maybe its related to his mom passing this past Easter weekend. I am not sure, I have no real explanations. I feel like I am treading water ith cement blocks tied to my ankles.....

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

I think "respectful" is not a word that applies here. As soon as he decided he had feelings for someone else and then decided to act on them by calling her all the time, respect vanished from the scene. On the one hand I can see taking things slow for the kids. I also see him wanting to do things on HIS timeline, which is disrespectful and selfish.

Not to be morbid, but I would meet with a reputable divorce lawyer NOW. Maybe you will never require those services, and that would be fabulous, but I like to have lots of information about situations I MAY have to face. It gives you time to sort out your options. Once you know all the laws, variables, etc. you are in a better position to make choices for yourself and your kids.

My mom just sat back and let my father do whatever he wanted, as long as he paid the bills. That is still a very sore subject with me. She got completely screwed in their divorce (when she FINALLY divorced him) because she didn't advocate for herself. Now he is dead and she has breast cancer. She is trying to raise my 16 year old sister without any child support and a pittance of life insurance that he titled so nobody can access it until my sister turns 18. She didn't know the insurance was set up that way. Like I said, the more you know, the better off you are!

 

[bubie2.5]

I'm sorry to read about your situation. I have to agree with everything jackskellingtonsgirl said. Pray for the best outcome, but be prepared for the worse.

 

[starann]

Beth....This is just my opinion and may sound a little harsh, which I know you don't need right now. My feeling is, if he still insits on talking with her, he has already made up his mind on which way he wants this to go but by saying he will 'see' how things shape up after your trip is him not wanting to commit 100% to his decision. If he wants things to work out best for your family and wants to TRY to stay a family, he has to stop talking with her while he tries to make things work with you. If he continues to talk with her, it will never workout with you. The trust is gone, but he can't have his cake and eat it too. He needs to decide if he wants a relationship with her OR he wants a family with you. If he choses to work things out for his family he needs to stop all talks with her. Same being said, if he decides he wants to be with her, it isn't fair for him to live with you and go on vacation and be a family for now. It's not fair for him to have it both ways.

I know he says he wants things to stay civil for the kids and I don't know him, so I can't say how he will act. But dragging it on until after Xmas is just setting things up for nastiness and decit. When ever he is on the phone you will wonder if it is her or assume it is and it will eat away at you.

I am so sorry you are gonig through this right now. It SUCKS. He is being selfish and thinking of no one but him and his needs and wants. Sadly, you have to be the adult and think of not only yourself but the children.


HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS....maybe I can give yo ua real hug at WDW!

 

[rosiep]

Beth-

As a wife and a mother who has gone through some painful times...I just wanted to remind you that you are not alone.
Also, please do not let your husband's confusion damage your feelings of self worth. It is all too easy to start doubting yourself...DON'T!!! This is his dishonor and his alone.
Thinking of you
-R

 

[Timon-n-Pumbaa Fan]

First, let me say that I am sorry to hear this news. I am not surprised, because of a couple of things that you have said in other threads, but I am sad for you and the kids.

What the heck has made this man lose his freakin' mind? We will really never know. But, the more important thing for you is to take the bull by the horns and do whatever it takes to secure your life and the future for your children.

Get a lawyer ASAP. You should get some advice from a professional on things that you should be and can legally be doing to make sure that your children and your interests are protected.

As a former cheater, I can tell you some things that you most likely will not want to hear, but it's just the way that it works. If he has a phone glued to his ear, in your family home, in front of your children, even innocently discussing things with this woman, then he is not your husband anymore. He's lost, he's gone, he's just not into you anymore and no amount of therapy is going to fix that. The decision was made weeks, months, years ago to find someone new that would hopefully be a "better fit". The potentially right opportunity presented itself and now he has chosen to go for it. Sadly, it's just going to suck to be you for awhile. He probably has found a way to justify everything in his head. He has probably focused on every negative thing that has happened since he met you and has chosen to see only the PITA part of the relationship, rather than keeping the focus on the positive things. It's easier to screw you over if you are a monster in his head. He most likely does feel guilty about tearing the home apart in respect to the kids. He is so wrapped up in the new woman that he can't see straight. Don't look for him to handle your emotions very well. He is going to want to share the new wonderful relationship with someone and at some point, he's probably going to want to discuss her at length with you and sell her as the next best thing to Mother Theresa, so it's going to hurt like heck, just be prepared to tell him to go soak his head.

Parenting is not a hobby. Mike should have been more honest with you about his feelings for you, before he went along with the idea of making a forever home for these children. He wasn't and that sucks. I have very little respect for him right now. The idea of a slow break sounds great in theory, but it usually doesn't do anyone any favors, except that it will make it appear that he was trying.

I am sorry that your relationship is in the crapper.

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

Beth -- I don't know you very well but this is just too sad. Only you know what is right for you and your family -- but I hope you consider looking into couple's counseling. It can make a huge difference in both parties' perspectives. Please know you and your family will be in my prayers.

 

[tomboy_m]

My thoughts are with you. Hang in there and be true to yourself. Seems as if he wasn't being very honest with you.

 

[Cindy F]

I'm so sorry you're going through this and as a family counselor, I have to agree with the other poster-he has already left. Counseling only works if both parties want it to work and are equally vested in making it work.

When one of the parties is attending counseling to: look better, attempt to appease the other person in preparation for divorce, assauge guilt feelings so they can later say "well, I tried, I even went to counseling", peer pressure, etc....it never works. It doesn't work because they are not going for the right reasons.

It sounds like he is already emotionally/mentally connected to her and is attempting to "have his cake and eat it too". The situation has now put you in the "non-fun person who is trapping me here and represents all the grown up responsibilities and drudgery of life" role while the other party has been put into the "fun, carefree, forbidden, no responsibility, walk in the park, where I really want to be" role.

Too many people interpret the above as love when it isn't and you will probably never get him to see that, it's typically something people have to realize on their own.

Of course he hasn't felt "that way" about you in years, apparently what he defines as "that way" is the newness of a relationship. That feeling simply can not last unless you go to another "new" relationship. I'm not saying that once you have been in a relationship for a long time there is no spark what I AM saying is that it's not going to be like when you first met all the time. It's illogical for people to expect that but many do.

Love is not the excitement you feel in a brand new relationship, it is the day to day togetherness, paying bills, doing chores, raising children, and being committed to each other and to making the relationship work--the "true gold" of relationships--not the shiny flash of something new coming down the pike, the "fool's gold" of relationships---as evidenced by the many fools that chase after it.

I know that this probably hasn't helped you one bit and ultimately you have to do what you think is best for you but whatever you decide remember this: you do not deserve this, this has NOTHING to do with you, you have done nothing wrong, and you WILL be happy again one day.

As a side note, if your husband is between 35 and 50 and you have noticed other changes in him lately, you might want to look through the symtoms of male mid-life crisis and/or andropause.
Be kind to yourself during this awful time and know that many are sending well wishes and healing thoughts your way.

 

[karibritt01]

Beth... I don't know you, but the title of your thread caught my attention. Your situation sounds very like what happened between my husband and myself many years ago, although thankfully before kids in my case. He began talking with an ex-girlfriend over the phone when she was going through a divorce. Before long, he was in love with her, and wanted a divorce. He wanted to hang around until he could move to Kansas to be with her, continue to talk to her on the phone, and keep it a secret from everyone the reason why we were splitting up. I decided that he was only looking out for himself, and I kicked him out. I also made sure everyone knew the reason for the split. (OK... that was just vindictive on my part, but it made me feel better that everyone knew he was such a jerk!) He did see the light after about 6 weeks. He moved back and we went to counceling... that was 13 years ago.

Your situation sounds very similar in that he wants to stay, go on vacations, have Christmas... yet continue to talk to her. I think if he wants her, then you need to get him out now. His being there and drawing out the process of separation will only make it harder for you to begin the healing process. It can still be civil, but it doesn't have to be in your face 24/7. If he truly wants to go to counceling, then the phone calls and relationship need to end immediately. There is no way he can try to make the marriage work if he is continuing the new relationship.

As for speaking to a lawyer... check into laws in your state concerning "alienation of affection." I know in my state, a person can be sued for persuing someone married. It won't fix anything, but may be some real good therapy for you!

 

[lttlmc3]

Beth...I don't know you either, but your story just pulled at my heart. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. But I was wondering why you would want to stay with someone who would do this to you? Trust me, I know how easy it is to justify everything in your own mind, but he really is being awful to you. I would ask him for a seperation and I would seek my own counceling. You may even need to seek counceling for your children. However, I wouldn't keep him around. It's not fair to you. You are worth so much more than all of this. If he wants to be with her, then fine, he can go. But he can not stay with you if he wants to be with her. And yes, I would seek a divorce lawyer also. He or she can give you information on a seperation also.