I am in a Wedding---Need to vent!!

[can'twait]

You know what, this whole wedding thing is such a racket! As soon as you say you are engaged, people stick their hands out and make you think you "need" more than you do. Dresses, limos, china, 6 course meals, sheesh! I really feel for you. If she is not a close friend, and you don't have the money, or the time, then just be gracious and back out now. As far as the hints about the showers, was she saying she expects YOU to plan and pay for them? Not! First of all, there is no reason why anyone needs more than one shower with family/friends planned by the wedding party, and one shower at work, planned by your co-workers. JMHO.

 

[SC Minnie]

Why should you have to go to all the showers???? I have been in weddings where I didn't attend any showers. You can decline those invitations. You are a busy.

I would not order the dress until at least August. If the bride has an issue with that then maybe she will get someone else to fill your spot Sounds like a bridezilla in the making.

 

[Hannathy]

I think it is time for a backbone and for a few white lies. Tell her you have kid expenses dentist or camp etc and can't possibly pay for a dress till late summer. State with all these expenses you would love to give her a simple shower at your house or church but that is all you can do and mean it.
I would finish with " I am honored you asked me to be in your wedding but if the dress needs to be paid for before summer I'll have to back out so I don't mess everything up for everyone else." What is the worst that will happen - she will be mad but she will get over it and if she doesn't will the world end ? Think about how you could spend that money on something you or your kids really want.

 

[ChristmasElf]

I agree with Mishetta that calling all the other bridesmaids is a good idea. That way you can all compare notes and possibly just plan ONE shower. Period. That's it.

One shower,
One Gift,
One day,
One Headache.

The second headache will come the day of the wedding

 

[horseshowmom]

During the phone conversation with her, she asked if I minded wearing red? Well, being a red head, I do not ever wear red. I told her that it was not my best color, but I would wear it for her if that was the color she was going for. Her response, oh that's good, because that is the color we are going with.

You don't think she's planning on having you dye your hair, do you (wouldn't want that red dress to clash with the hair and detract from her wedding pictures)?

(just kidding!)

 

[ead79]

I can see both sides of the issue. I do think it was rude of her to invite extra adults to your wedding. To me that says she might just be an “all about me” type of person. I also think it’s super risky for her to plan a wedding that might have to be cancelled or postponed due to her husband’s situation. However, I don’t see what’s wrong with her asking you to wear a red dress. A bride certainly can’t take everyone’s coloring/hair color into consideration when choosing her wedding color scheme. Also, $150 for a bridesmaids dress isn’t unreasonable. You could always attend however many of the showers you can, but don’t bring a gift to each one. I would recommend possibly just bringing a gift to one of them. I’m sorry she isn’t easy to communicate with!

 

[snowy76]

Just a gift idea that doesn't cost much: my bridesmaids conspired together to throw my shower. When they invited everyone they sent a recipe card. Everyone sent back their favorite recipes and one of my friends who likes to stamp and scrapbook things made me a cookbook using all my friends' and family's recipes! Then as a group they put the cookbook in a basket with little inexpensive kitchen gadgets that were on my registry. It was the coolest gift ever and waaaaay more thoughtful than any huge purchased gifts!

 

[disykat]

Honestly, if it's a year away and already stressing you out - I'd back out now. Tell her you were honored to be asked, but with your family you can't give her the kind of "attention she deserves" so you have to respectfully are backing out now so she'll have time to ask someone else.

 

[MAKmom]

. She called me when she got the invitation to my wedding asking if it was OK for her Mom, Grandma, and two cousins to come with her as guests. Ahhhh, OK I guess.

AMY I can't get pass this. I've never heard of anyone doing this. Get out of this wedding. You have plenty of time to bow out gracefully.

If you do stay in it. You only have to go to one shower & the bachlorette party.

 

[Honu]

Honestly, I would thank her for thinking of you and that you want to participate as much as you are able in the festivities, but for financial and childcare reasons you just aren't able to commit to the bridesmaid role and you wanted to give her as much time as possible to find a replacement.
Good luck.

 

[Kimberly815]

I think we need to start a new support thread for bridemaid's to vent to one another!!

I am sure that we wouldnt' be the only two on there.

Hang in there. Don't buy the dress right away. And if you have to concider backing out. (Though, I understand in most cases it really isn't possible!)

 

[ckmommy]

Gosh, thanks everyopne for the advice. Just a couple of comments--

Kids can be a terrific cop out. I am hoping that I will only have to be part of one shower and a bridal luncheon. I am too old for bachelorette parties and she really is not the type of person for these--so I hope that a lunch or dinner out with the girls will do. Since I do not know his side of the family at all or her work friends or any of her other friends, I think I can decline going to these without too much problem. I do know her mother, so I know I will be going to that shower.

As for the red dress. I am sorry if it came off as me saying that I wanted control of picking out the color of the dress. I know that it is not my decision. I was just putting it down that it is not my color. I guess it was just something to vent about. And, since she has not picked out the dress, I am guessing about the price. $150 sounds about average for a dress. I guess that is what I am expecting. I am not really complaining about the price. I knew going into this that that was a cost I was going to have to pay.

I am going to have to bite the bullet and tell her that I think we should wait to order the dresses until summer.

Dying my hair--she would never ask me to do this--at least I hope not!!

I love the cookbook idea!! i am pretty crafty. I could do that!! Thanks!

 

[malibuconlee]

Sorry everone for the multiple posts. I have no idea how to double quote.

How bad would it be to make home made things for shower gifts? I made some nice things (decoritive type things) for christmas this year that were pretty inexpensive (read: under $8). I was also thinking of doing a cross stich thing for them for their wedding present, but I doubt I will have time to finish it, and if I did he would get deployed and then what!!

I have a bride cross stitch that my best friend gave us for our wedding. She was in college at the time and couldn't afford to have it framed. But it's one of my favorite presents. She started working on it in high school and hadn't finished it. She made time between work and school to finish it to give as my gift.

I feel for you. Weddings are expensive. Between dress, shoes, hair, make-up, shower gift, wedding gift, (for my friend's wedding we had to get a hotel room just because of the schedule even tho we only live 45 minutes away. We had to have our hair done at 7 am for a 1:30 pm wedding because of the pre-wedding photos starting at 9:30 AM!!!), tux for my husband that was an usher. We spent a small fortune on my friend's wedding. Probably close to what our package was when we got married at the Excalibur, and that included one night's hotel costs!!!

 

[Stitchfans]

Expensive is what i am worried about. I was not surprised about the $ of the dress, but it is the showers that I am supposed to GIVE and attend that scare me!!

I could never back out, I am too much of a wimp!!

Ohh, mysister is a flight attendent, so the cost to fly my parents in is super cheap!! Maybe $50.

That was the first thing that popped into my head. Come up with some kind of an excuse as to why you can't stand up for the wedding. I know that is what I would do. She is being totally unreasonable, and IMO not much of a friend. She sounds like a user to me.

 

[becjlek]

I admit I am kind of jealous of everyone on this thread. I have never been in a wedding, other than my own. I always wanted to be a bridesmaid just once.

 

[swea_pea1]

I've been a bridesmaid in 5 weddings and have turned one down. When I backed out, I just simply said that I'd love to be part of her day, but I just couldn't be in her wedding.

Trust me, the color of the dress won't bother you much. It really is only 4 or 5 hours of your life and she has to look at the pictures forever, so if it looks like crap she'll be the one feeling it for a long time to come.

As for the showers, I always bought a larger gift for the shower where I was part of that group, whether I was a friend at the friend shower, groom's family at that shower, etc. and then bought smaller gifts for the rest of the showers. There's no reason for you to buy expensive gifts for every shower....people will understand.

 

[Stacerita]

I think we need to start a new support thread for bridemaid's to vent to one another!!

Count me in on this!!!

My best friend is getting married and Im her maid of honor (horror). So far it hasn't been bad. But its just getting started.

 

[Caradana]

Okay I was in four weddings last year, I'm in two this year and I'll attend another four, and I'm getting married in January 2007.
My quick take on the OP's circumstances:
- $150 isn't bad
- You've said this above, but yup, you're going to have to live with the red
- I would NEVER have agreed to her bringing four extra adults to my wedding; that being said, I can see your point about her reaction to the possibility of your kids attending
- You should really attend all of the pre-wedding festivities, as a bridesmaid - the $ is the price you pay for being such a good friend (oh well)
- I think you're right about holding off until summer for the dress.

If it's any consolation, I've never been in a wedding that wound up costing me less than $700, between dress, shoes, mandatory jewelry, gifts, shower, bachelorette, and travel. A friend of mine is getting married in Cape Cod this August, and the hotels in the town were all $400/night, 4 night minimum. We're all crashing at the houses of friends of friends!

 

[disneymom3]

If you are guessing at that $150 price, I would prepare myself for more if I were you. Since she has already shown herself to be unreasonable, I would expect that she will not be thinking about anyone else's budget--or body type--with the dresses she picks out.

A few years ago a friend of mine was in a weddding for her sister in law. She had to wear a floor length, strapless velvet dress. She had given birth like two weeks before this and was nursing her baby. It was not a good thing and that dress cost a fortune!!

The last wedding I was in the entire bridal party was referring to the bride as demon bride or the bride from He**. When she yelled at the maid of honor who was in the midst of picking up her flowers to join in a picture to get the f@#$ over here, that was pretty much the tone of the whole day. Just lovely. I still maintain that women in fluffy white gowns should not use the F word.

 

[barkley]

what ever happened to the wedding tradition (and i think it's still in most wedding etiquite books) that only the maid of honor is responsible for throwing the bridal shower? the only brides i've known to have more than one were those who had family traditions wherein a certain relative always threw a shower (and then there was never overlapping guests invited from another shower) or those who had co-workers who opted to throw one at work. never heard of bridesmaids expected to host multiple showers

if feel for you with the red dress-i'm a redhead too and it's not something you would likely see me in! the worst bridesmaid dress i every got saddled with was teal with LARGE black roses (gag)-luckily it was purchased from a department store with very understanding sales staff (they asked me-"honey are you SURE you want to buy this?"-when i explained the situation they smiled and said "make sure you keep the tags to bring it back" ).

since the wedding is at best "iffy"-if the dresses have to be ordered early, any chance the bride can shell out the deposits? seems to me that would be the tactful/thoughtful thing for her to do.