I am highly annoyed at my son's teacher.

[Liberty Belle]

Background: My son, 8, has ADHD, SID, and Anxiety. He is in second grade and has a 504.

Last week he switched reading groups, so was placed with a different teacher for reading. She did not read his 504 until we told her about it - she didn't even know he had one. He had a very rough first day because he did not remember being told he was switching (I honestly don't think he was told - maybe was out of the classroom when they explained - because he has an excellent memory and is very honest).

After that first day, he's had really good days and the teacher has sent us short emails to tell us.

Today, he had some problems. Apparently they were writing with shaving cream and using paper towels to clean up. He threw the paper towel across the room (a small wadded up piece) and it hit a little girl.

The teacher sent an email to my husband telling him about it. My husband asked for details and she said it was a small piece of paper towel and the girl wasn't hurt, but "what if it was something else heavier? She could have been hurt!" She also said he argued with her.

So, I sent her an email saying:

Hi Ms. X.

Finn's dad tells me he was in trouble for throwing a paper towel in class? I wonder if you could tell me if he was angry or upset when he threw it or if it were done in more of a joking manner. Of course he should not have thrown it and he will lose a privilege after school, but we're trying to work with his doctor and therapist to get to the bottom of all his behavior, so the more details, the better. Thank you!

Do you feel that email was anger provoking or somehow inappropriate? Maybe I'm missing something.

Here's what she responded:

He threw a paper towel at Caitlyn…she did not provoke him…she doesn’t sit near him…she is well behaved……he also refused to take the test…and kept yelling out….not a good day…my Dad(God rest his soul) always told us that if we got in trouble at school we would get in twice as much trouble at home…needless to say my brothers and I always behaved at school…and we didn’t dare argue with the teacher…thanks for your support.

Ok, before I say anything, how do you feel about her response?

 

[Maggie'sMom]

I'd be more than just annoyed. The tone of the email bothers me. It seems she is more interested in punishment than in helping get to the bottom of what caused the behavior.

My DD has sensory issues and often can't handle writing in shaving cream, finger paints, or anything else like that. She would probably refuse to participate and end up crying and/or screaming over it.

I'm not sure how I'd respond, but you aren't wrong to be annoyed.

 

[LockShockBarrel]

Is this teacher used to students like your little one? It sounds to me like the teacher may not understand that what provokes your child is not what would provoke another child, you know? It very well may be she didn't see what happened right before the paper towel was thrown, and yes it shouldn't have been thrown at all, but she's being unhelpful by not telling you anything abot what happened right before. I agree that she is focusing on the punishment more than the "why". The sticky part of it is that it's a typed message, and tone can sometimes be very very hard to understand through text. She may feel like she was just stating the facts and providing a helpful anecdote about her family while you may take it as terse and condescending. I think that bringing up what happened to her is almost...maybe just a bit unprofessional. What would have happened to her if she got in trouble in school really has no bearing on your son, he's your child and you'll raise him how you see fit.

I would probably reply with something like this:

"Dear Ms. X,

While I understand that to you it may have appeared that the little girl did not provoke him, perhaps it was something small you didn't notice. As I'm sure we both know, even the most well behaved child can have a misstep and maybe something happened that you didn't see. Did it appear that he threw the towel directly at her, or just in her direction and it happened to hit her? It would be helpful, as I said before, if you could tell me the details leading up to the event. Did my son seem agitated or stressed? Was the refusal to take the test and yelling out before or after he threw the paper towel? Of course he should not have thrown the towel at all, but there may be an underlaying reason or issue that made him do it. Could you tell me if it was in an aggressive manner or more in fun? At 8 years old, any child could see this as playful or harmless and may not see it as being misbehaved. As I said in my previous message, these are details we need to know to help our son with his issues, and without knowing in a bit more detail what happened, we cannot get to the root of the problem. We are currently working with our doctor as I told you in regards to his behavior, and being able to share this incident with the doctor would be helpful. While I'm glad you didn't argue with the teacher or cause trouble, every child is different and we will continue with our current method of caring for our son and would appreciate your support."

If you get another message back that comes across at all argumentative, you'll probably need to speak to someone else in the school. My biggest concern for you and your son is that she'll perhaps overreact if he acts out or will handle things differently than she would with any other child, but in a negative way (ie a more severe punishment in class). I keep thinking "would she have reacted the same way if someone else in the class had thrown the towel?" As far as her being concerned that it could have been something heavier, any kid can pick up something heavier and throw it, in jest or in aggression. That statement, to me, makes me think she may overreact to anything he may do, seeing it as a potential issue when she may see it as kids just being kids with someone else.

A possibly weird question, is this teacher old or young? Part of me wonders if this has anything to do with it, as an older teacher may be very set in her ways about things and a younger teacher may just not have the experience neccesary to handle things properly with your son. It could be a middle aged teacher who's just never had to deal with this type of thing before too for all I know.

 

[bookwormde]

First the teach has some significant unresolved issues. As a professional the response is grossly inapropriate.

Second it does not sound like she has any training for children with disabilites or she would have at least considered that potential that the sensory challenge of the activity might have played a big part.

Third for any teacher to think she saw all the preceding items to an event in the classrooom is delusional, there has been study after stady the showes only 20% are actully seen.

Quite honestly I would be bvery uncomfortable if it were my child in this class.

bookwormde

 

[Liberty Belle]

Thank you for your responses.

I wrote back and probably was harsher than I should have been. I explained again his disabilities and how certain behaviors came with these disorders. I was sure to say that we, of course, are working on the inappropriate behaviors, but knowing all the details helps us do that, etc.

It just annoys me to no end when teachers say something is unprovoked. In a kid with ADHD and Sensory issues, you simply cannot say that. She has no idea what he was experiencing.

And about the paper towel, I talked with him and he said he was feeling antsy and just threw it. He did not mean to hit the little girl. I told him his teacher was concerned that if it were something heavier, it could have hurt the girl and he said, "But it wasn't. I wouldn't have thrown something that could hurt anyone."

He did have tv taken away for the night because of it, which he accepted calmly (yay! we've come a long way in that regard).

This teacher is middle-aged (51), but seems very old school as far as behavior and discipline. What's funny is on his good days she sent us emails saying she loved him and he was a wonderful child.

I wish these teachers would realize that there are reasons for all behavior and could separate the behavior from the child, but so many just cannot seem to do this.

And I'm a para (currently unemployed), so I've seen a lot.

 

[LockShockBarrel]

I guess the only thing to do is be cautious. Try to stay positive and keep in contact with the teacher. She may just be one of those people that expresses herself in very black and white terms. If you feel uncomfortable with how she handles things with your son, don't hesitate to contact the school. Your son obviously has the right to a safe and healthy school environment and if this teacher doesn't provide it, you can take the necessary steps then. Until then, just see how things play out.

 

[bookwormde]

IF you can engage the teacher is a dialog about the the underlying innate typical skills that are missing and the impact of sensory differntials, if the teacher only focuses on behaviors with out the underlying sources there is only limited ability to undersand support hte needs and make progress.

This is very often a completely foreign (even "alien") concept so it can be quite eye opening once the teacher begins to "get it"

bookwormde

 

[dntd]

We seem to hit walls like this with school regarding behavoir. It has even led to suspention. The school doesn't seem to understand it's a big picture rather then a single action.

 

[Liberty Belle]

IF you can engage the teacher is a dialog about the the underlying innate typical skills that are missing and the impact of sensory differntials, if the teacher only focuses on behaviors with out the underlying sources there is only limited ability to undersand support hte needs and make progress.

This is very often a completely foreign (even "alien") concept so it can be quite eye opening once the teacher begins to "get it"

bookwormde

I did suggest a book to her that I found very informative (and it was co-authored by educators, so I thought she might be more open to it). Since she's a new (to ds) teacher, she hasn't been in on any of our meetings, so maybe after she sits in on one, she'll be more understanding.

She just seems very "old school" and set in her ways.

 

[Liberty Belle]

We seem to hit walls like this with school regarding behavoir. It has even led to suspention. The school doesn't seem to understand it's a big picture rather then a single action.

DS has been suspended more than once.

 

[Nik's Mom]

Liberty Belle,
I would have been beyond ticked off at the response you received from the teacher. Seriously, she really went too far with that. You do not need a lecture on how to be a parent!

I totally feel for you though. I've got two special need sons and one of them suffers from anxiety and ADD. It is such a challenge at times. Having a teacher that is part of your team will make a world of difference. I would definitely have a sit-down with that teacher.

Hang in there!

 

[DZNEE4US]

I have kids with issues, (which I don't want to go on and on about). I think the bottom line is that many of todays' teachers are ill equiped to handle children with autism who are mainstreamed into their classrooms. I have a masters' degree in elementary education, and I wouldn't know many techniques to deal with them in a classroom setting. 10-15 years ago Autism wasn't really heard about. I never came across 1 child w it in 10 years of teaching K & 1st grade in the inner city. Putting these kids in a regular ed. classroom without a trained teacher is setting them up for problems. I am experienceing this now w/ my 8 y.o DD. I even question some of the so called special education teachers I have come across. Some of their old training techniques are generic and dated. They don't know how to deal with autism!

 

[ma2nojo]

I have kids with issues, (which I don't want to go on and on about). I think the bottom line is that many of todays' teachers are ill equiped to handle children with autism who are mainstreamed into their classrooms. I have a masters' degree in elementary education, and I wouldn't know many techniques to deal with them in a classroom setting. 10-15 years ago Autism wasn't really heard about. I never came across 1 child w it in 10 years of teaching K & 1st grade in the inner city. Putting these kids in a regular ed. classroom without a trained teacher is setting them up for problems. I am experienceing this now w/ my 8 y.o DD. I even question some of the so called special education teachers I have come across. Some of their old training techniques are generic and dated. They don't know how to deal with autism!

I completely agree! I have an autism program but have certification in this area and have taken numerous courses on specific issues as related to autism and children with more severe disabilities. Even special education teachers that have not had a lot of exposure to children with anything more severe than a mild learning disability or with these specific needs need help as well.

Gen. Ed. teachers??? I have found a lot of the ones I work with to even be intimidated, nervous, basically afraid of how to teach children that are a bit different than what they are used to. They have been wonderful in taking suggestions and asking for help. I know it's easy to blame the gen. ed. teacher but unfortunately many that I work with do not have to training or experience to evaluate situations and make decisions based on that.

Districts need to do a better job at educating all school staff, students, and other parents about children with special needs. A first grader was afraid to deliver something to my room last week because he thought he was going to "catch special needs." Yes, that is what he told his teacher. We are now putting plans in place really educate our typically developing peers about their schoolmates.

 

[bookwormde]

ma3nojo,

You have arrived at about 75% of the reason why our kids do not get their needs met when they are in the general education enviroment.

I advise parents to include as a need and enviroment where staff have a coreundertstanding of ASD and the particular issues dependant on where in the spectrum a child is.

It is "funny" that some of the worst situations come from teachers who have some classis autism experiance but do not have the depth of knowlege in ASD to understand the other end of the spectrum and use the same practices.

bookwormde

 

[ma2nojo]

ma3nojo,

You have arrived at about 75% of the reason why our kids do not get their needs met when they are in the general education enviroment.

I advise parents to include as a need and enviroment where staff have a coreundertstanding of ASD and the particular issues dependant on where in the spectrum a child is.

It is "funny" that some of the worst situations come from teachers who have some classis autism experiance but do not have the depth of knowlege in ASD to understand the other end of the spectrum and use the same practices.

bookwormde

So what do you think comprises the other 25% ? Gen. ed teachers only have so much experience and training as related to ASD or any other educational disability for that matter. They are either going to follow up on what they need to become better educators for all of their students or they are not. Unfortunately the people in charge of the budget are not demanding this. If they are an elementary teacher they didn't specialize in any one area so it would be more difficult unless they are more seasoned in their field with a wide variety of experiences. Some might have even read a book that describes a child with autism...gaining only very superficial knowledge. I remember a few years ago one teacher was shocked, absolutely shocked at how affectionate some of my students were.

I have 14 students with ASD in my self-contained program (yes 14! and this is a whole different issue that makes me crazy) that are sprinkled throughout the grades in my school and this is the 3rd year that my program has been in existence. How are those teachers going to get experience and knowledge? Their hearts really are in the right place but these days they are getting hands-on in the classroom "on the job training", perhaps a workshop or two (if they and their students are lucky), and maybe a university class if they find it. Many are doing the best they are currently equipped to do. It's awful that our children are getting this "best" but it has to start somewhere.

The gen. ed. staff I work with are very much trying to do everything in their power to understand. I'm sure this is the same in many other places. Yes, those teachers might not completely have the dok and sometimes make situations worse but they have to learn somehow.... like we all did. It doesn't make it right but what else can we do? No one starts out handling all situations perfect, not parents, not teachers.

 

[Ali]

I'm surprised that a teacher who only sees your child for reading group has so much contact with you through email. I thought the teachers response was very human and reflected the OP comment about consequences at home for the actions. I'm a sped teacher and asd parent and this seems to be completely blown out of proportion. Give the teacher a break because now the child will be looked at as a KidGloves child whether consciously or unconsciously by a teacher who is now on the defensive.

 

[Temporaryname]

I"m a special educator, and I'm very surprised that other teachers are sticking up for this one.

I understand that it can be incredibly challenging to work with a child when you don't have the training to do so. I understand that many general educators don't have the training to be able to understand or work with children with special needs effectively.

But if you are struggling with a child because you don't understand their difficulty and can't predict or prevent their behavior, then how is the solution to blame and alienate their parents? Especially when those same parents are offering to be part of the solution by consulting professionals and talking to their child?

She could have written something that thanked the OP for reaching out, and then said "I'm afraid that I didn't see anything that I thought provoked him . . . " then go on to describe what did happen.

OP, if I were replying to this email, I'd probably cc the principal. The tone is absolutely unacceptable.

 

[bookwormde]

I may be wrong, but what I am hearing from the educators who are posting is the generic frustration that the schools do not provide the allocated time and resources that is needed to be prepared to educate a child with special needs before they arrive in the classroom.

Most teachers I work with and educate are "hungry" for knowlege, there are a small minority who are not but the teachers response, as inapproprite as it was, clearly goes well beyond any issues with this one child.

bookwormde

 

[toodycat]

I'm a teacher and I've taught many kids with various classifications. If you need to report an incident to a parent, there is only one appropriate way to do it: objectively. Child A said this. Child B responded with this. Teacher intervened with this, etc. This teacher was way out of line.

Sharing memories of how you were parented has nothing to do with anything. This reminded me of a colleague who was quite bizarre. She told us, "When I was a child and misbehaved, my dad would hang us from the ceiling and we grew up just fine!"

 

[Mama Who]

Her email was very badly worded and she should not have rambled off into anecdotes about her childhood. That said, is it possible, given the fact that she has stated previously that she loves your kid, that she did not mean this as harshly as you read it? I tried reading it twice with totally different tones and it can either be incredibly nasty or mildly flaky but well intended. I think I'd speak to her in person to get a feel for how she really feels.

SN or not, she can't allow a kid to throw things at other kids. I think we all get that. In jest or in anger, it has the potential to be dangerous and I wouldn't read any more into her saying that then the fact that throwing things crosses a line for ANY kid. I wouldn't assume he was being singled out because of his SN. Maybe the issue here is that she DID separate him a little too far from his behavior and is being just as hard on him as she would anyone else when that response might not be appropriate?

I absolutely think you should get it clarified and if she meant it the way you've interpreted it (possible) she's way out of line. If she was just not clear enough in her meaning and she wasn't trying to be this rough (also possible), maybe all that is needed is clearer communication? I would almost certainly have reacted exactly like you did if it was my kid, but from a third party point of view, it looks like it could be a matter of poor communication skills on her part instead of outright meanness. Worth finding out.