I am having a tough time.... need someone to talk to....

[goldilocks_63]

Okay, I just found out last Friday the love of my life passed away... He broke it off 2 months (after 8 years of a relationship) before the wedding... I was devastated. Waited 5 years, and finally moved on. Now have a nice hubby and 9-DD(Adopted).

THen found out that love of life was gay (I think maybe changed about 10 years ago... but never really made it public). But perhaps 5 years ago started wearing ring to acknowlege his relationship with his life partner....

So I find out about this thru OBIT notice, and I am sad.... I still miss him, still feel like he was the love of my life, and am so sad becuase I feel like I lost my best friend. I wish he could have told me (I think he didn't because he was big time attorney and didn't want folks to find out). I think we could have had a laugh, a few drinks, and been friends....

I feel like a part of my life is now missing..... I've never met his partner, and so don't want to intrude on his grief... but do you think it would be out of line to talk to his partner and see if he could shed some light on some of the stuff that happened?

I spoke briefly with his sister, and she said that he always spoke fondly of me, and forwarded pictures of me and my family (even saw adoptition picture of our DD)...

This is so wierd for me... and the only thing I can still think is I don't care that he is this or that - I still love him... and am so sad he's gone.

Goldi

 

[MousekaMaddi]

u are in our thoughts. I would wait a bit, then pm the partner in a month or so, Im sure he would love to keep his loved one alive by chatting about him. Id try it, just dont be dissappointed.

 

[SereneOne]

I dont have any advice. I just wanted to tell you I am sorry for your loss.

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

The death of someone with whom you were close is a hard, hard event -- no matter what. To me, it sounds like your grief is compounded to some degree by mourning "the road(s) not taken" in your relationship. It also sounds like both of you went on to build separate -- but meaningful -- lives. And how wonderful is it that he kept you in his heart so closely that he shared fond comments and pictures of you with his family?
Reaching out gently to his partner -- to remember this man who was so important and special to both of you in different ways -- sounds like a good start to bring some understanding and context to your sadness.
Sincerest sympathies to you on your loss.

 

[goldilocks_63]

sorry for the rambling - I'm still working things out....

I now finally have closure as to what happened with the broken engagement - at the time everyone (including my family) blamed me... then they said he didn't love me... and I knew it wasn't that... but I couldn't understand.

My ex and I still remained in touch over the years, and I knew I could count on him if ever I was in a tight spot. Ironically, I had just sent him a nice letter about his Dad 2 weeks prior. (Our families run in the same social circles). I hope he got it.

The hard part for me, is I wish I could have had him in my life as a friend. But I think his sense of honor and / or privacy kept me out of it... And now of course, I'm getting everyone asking "Did you know that he was gay" etc... which I think is totally stupid or cruel? Of course I didn't know, but it didn't mean that my feelings ever changed. I still respect and admire this person, and don't understand why people would think that would have made me feel any differently.

At any rate, his family has invited me over to lunch after I get back from Disney, and if his partner wants to meet that would be cool - but I'm going to let him make the first move for now because I now when my dad passed away I was exhausted. It wasn't until 6 months later that I wanted to talk to people.

It's a hard time for everyone, and people are just reveling in this (Senator wife thingy going on at the same time). I'm getting teased at work and they just don't get it that I am truely grieving the loss of a great person, and having regrets for a closer friendship that could have been. Everyone is expecting me to be mad, because they think he wronged me by his engangement / breaking it off.... But we both moved on and built good lives which was hard for both of us.... And as I said I always knew he cared about me, just not in the way a husband does for a wife. How can you hate a person who only cares about you?

I'm running away on vacation for a few days, but if anyone has any good responses to handle the "well wishers" and do goodbodies, as well as media, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks for your support, Goldi

 

[RickinNYC]

Hi Goldi. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Sometimes the internet is a cold place where true emotions can't be felt, or often times, misread. But in the case of your posts, your grief is so tangible. My heart breaks for you kiddo.

First, I think it's absolutely amazing and a testament to your character that even under the circumstances, you still hold this man dear to your heart. It's clear that, although it was destined in the stars, you had a great relationship with him. Keep holding onto those memories and things will start looking clearer as time goes by. Just by virtue of his family inviting you over makes it even more clear to me that he spoke highly of you and that sense has carried over to their lives as well.

As for your feelings right now, and your potential desire for contacting his partner, I can't see how that could possibly be a bad thing. You both loved the same man. Imagine the great stories and laughs you two could share. Each of you carries a little part of your ex in your respective hearts. Sharing that part with each other could prove to be a great cathartic experience.

The only proviso I'd share is to wait for a little while. As you said about your own father's passing, it took you six months to be able to finally talk. I'm sure the same goes for him as well.

But when the time comes, I say go for it and reach out to him. He might appreciate it more than you know.

As for those insensitive, cruel, complete idiots at work that are making jokes, you can do one of two things. Responde quietly with dignity and grace that you don't find their jokes particuarly amusing. Or simply tell them to what they can do to themselves, skip the dignity and grace, and put them firmly in their place. Either is just a-ok in my book. People like that deserve a little public humiliation to show them the error of their ways. Perhaps it will make them think twice before they open their ignorant mouths.

All that notwithstanding, I'm so sorry. You are in our thoughts.

 

[steven_&_daniel]

Here's a poem I discovered many years ago after losing someone special. It helped me a great deal...


The Rose Beyond the Wall

Near a shady wall a rose once grew,
Budded and blossomed in God's free light,
Watered and fed by the morning dew,
Shedding it's sweetness day and night.

As it grew and blossomed fair and tall,
Slowly rising to loftier height,
It came to a crevice in the wall
Through which there shone a beam of light.

Onward it crept with added strength
With never a thought of fear or pride,
It followed the light through the crevice's length
And unfolded itself on the other side.

The light, the dew, the broadening view
Were found the same as they were before,
And it lost itself in beauties new,
Breathing it's fragrance more and more.

Shall claim of death cause us to grieve
And make our courage faint and fall?
Nay! Let us faith and hope receive--
The rose still grows beyond the wall,

Scattering fragrance far and wide
Just as it did in days of yore,
Just as it did on the other side,
Just as it will forevermore.

~ A. L. Frink ~

 

[steven_&_daniel]

Here is another one...


The Plan Of The Master Weaver


Our lives are but fine weavings
That God and we prepare,
Each life becomes a fabric planned
And fashioned in His care.

We may not always see just how
The weavings intertwine,
But we must trust the Master's hand
And follow His design,
For He can view the pattern
Upon the upper side,
While we must look from underneath
And trust in Him to guide...

Sometimes a strand of sorrow
Is added to His plan,
And though it's difficult for us,
We still must understand
That it's He who fills the shuttle,
It's He who knows what's best,
So we must weave in patience
And leave to Him the rest...

Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why ---
The dark threads are as needed
In the Weaver's skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

---Anonymous

 

[Saxton]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Even though you both went on to find happy lives I'm sure there was always a sense of unanswered questions. I believe that a piece of all those that we have had relationships will forever stay in our hearts and it makes us who we are. Give both yourself and his partner time to grieve and sort through all the emotions. If you don't get a chance to meet him in person then maybe send him a sympathy card – I'm sure he knows about you and he would appreciate your acknowledgement of their relationship. Maybe mention that you're glad your ex was able to find happiness and share his life with him and then suggest that you would like to share some memories of your ex when he feels up to it.


And to all those who are teasing you, simply look at them and ask how they can find any pleasure in the loss of a wonderful person – I'm sure that will quiet them. Take care of yourself during this difficult time and stop by to talk to us whenever you need support.

 

[goldilocks_63]

I feel better now (Thanks to everyone who replied - I knew I could count on the DIS boards to give me perspective). Steve and Daniel the poems are lovely. And Ricky I took your advice, and handled work today with quiet dignity. At first it was hard, but I believe if you want the world to change you have to start with yourself, so was trying to lead by example.....

And then it got easier..... I think people got the point, and started respecting me and my relationship with my ex, and I wanted to give dignity to my ex and his partner as well. They deserve it and so do I.

I'm going to wait 6 months, and then contact my ex's partner, and see if we can share a drink and a giggle. I bet we get along pretty good. The little that I've learned of him thru the Internet, believe it or not, we have a lot in common. It would be cool if I picked up a new friendship out of all of this....

At any rate, I'm off to Disney this Sat 09/26 - 10/6, and that always cheers me up.

I'll be in touch...

Again, thanks for all your love and support,
Goldi

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

It's a hard time for everyone, and people are just reveling in this (Senator wife thingy going on at the same time). I'm getting teased at work and they just don't get it that I am truely grieving the loss of a great person, and having regrets for a closer friendship that could have been. Everyone is expecting me to be mad, because they think he wronged me by his engangement / breaking it off....

That is just about the meanest, most awful thing I have heard in a long time. I don't think I would ever talk to those people ever again. You are so gonna be in my prayers tonight.

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

Apparently, we were both posting at the same time -- your new post reminds me of a quote from Gandhi (I hope I get it right) "We must be the change we want to see in the world."
Take care, Goldi.

I feel better now (Thanks to everyone who replied - I knew I could count on the DIS boards to give me perspective). Steve and Daniel the poems are lovely. And Ricky I took your advice, and handled work today with quiet dignity. At first it was hard, but I believe if you want the world to change you have to start with yourself, so was trying to lead by example.....

And then it got easier..... I think people got the point, and started respecting me and my relationship with my ex, and I wanted to give dignity to my ex and his partner as well. They deserve it and so do I.

I'm going to wait 6 months, and then contact my ex's partner, and see if we can share a drink and a giggle. I bet we get along pretty good. The little that I've learned of him thru the Internet, believe it or not, we have a lot in common. It would be cool if I picked up a new friendship out of all of this....

At any rate, I'm off to Disney this Sat 09/26 - 10/6, and that always cheers me up.

I'll be in touch...

Again, thanks for all your love and support,
Goldi

 

[goldilocks_63]

I am grateful to find out that my ex had found someone to share his life with.... I used to try to encourage him to find someone else...

I knew he had health issues, and told him life was too short to go thru it alone without enjoying what it has to offer... and told him to go out and live.

I'm so glad he had someone and wasn't alone.

I willl send his partner a sympathy card card - I hope that brings him some comfort.

But I think the advice to let things be for several months (6) is good advice. It must be a horrible time for his partner and he needs time to grieve. I don't want to intrude too much - just want to offer my support.

 

[RickinNYC]

Goldi, you are a truly caring woman. I'd be proud to consider you a friend. The world needs more people like you in it. Go to Disney World, bring back your smile and have a wonderful time.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Goldi, I hope you find peace in all of this. You are remarkable in that you are seeing through to the true import of the matter, the love you hold for this dear person.

That love is something that you can share (when the time is right) with his Partner. You can comfort each other in knowing that you respected, cared for and loved the same person without having been a threat to one another.

I think your dear friend showed how much he respected you when he broke off the engagment. That must have been one of the most difficult things he ever had to do.

I hope you enjoy your time at WDW and just let the joy of the place wash over you.

Peace be to you.

 

[goldilocks_63]

Rained every day (Hurricane off the coast - but it kinda matched my mood ....)

At any rate, I had a great trip.

My sister-in-law sent us up a lovely basket with cookies / bath supplies, and hubby bought me beautiful yellow flowers to acknowlege my friendship loss of my ex.

And then it was Disney, Disney, Disney....

Everything has died down now that I'm back. Thanks for all your support.

A Happier Goldi

 

[rosiep]

I'm so glad Thank you for checking in. It's nice to have some continuity...to see people healing.

I get to go to Disney in just two weeks with my DD...and I can't wait!

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

What a nice DH and DSIL!!!! So glad you had a great trip!