I Am Having A "Problem" With A Friend

[WDWVillain]

Ok, now, please do not flame me for this...here it goes.
I had my child when I was young...She is now raised and has been living on her own for 6 years now. So being a young mom, I was completely focused on raising her...(which I should be) WELL! I now feel as if this is "MY" time of my life, I have been doing things I did not get to do when I ws younger..I am going out all the time.
I am back to riding motorcycles etc! Just having FUN!

ok, that said..My friend is the same age as me, and she has a 8 yo son. Everyday she is calling me with activies etc she wants her son her, and me to do...I have been avoiding her phone calls, most of the time..becasue I just do not know HOW to tell her......I do NOT want to hang around with kids all day!!!

She went off about some things that were going on, and she acted suprized when I told her I have not a clue about them, I also mentioned that I have not had the need to keep up on what is going on for children in the area since my DD has been grown!

Why is it that people will try to push this on someone? I really no longer have the desired to spend my day listing to kids! I am sorry, but I have been there and done that!!!

Am I wrong wanting my time for adult fun? And I just do not know how to go about letting her know this without hurting her feelings! She just does not seem to understand it

I wanted to take off to the beach today,(she knows my every move!) I know she and son in tow will hunt me down, so now I am going to stay inside....and I am just agrivated by this!

What do I do? Any nice way around this?
~Thanks....

 

[Pop Daddy]

I wanted to take off to the beach today,(she knows my every move!) I know she and son in tow will hunt me down, so now I am going to stay inside....and I am just agrivated by this!
~Thanks....

maybe you could wear a disguise

 

[mickeyfan2]

Did she spend time with you and your daughter when she was a young childless women?

What are you planning on doing when your daughter has kids. Will you avoid kids stuff then?

Why not spend sometime with your friend and her son. If you don't you will be losing a friend.

 

[WDWVillain]

Did she spend time with you and your daughter when she was a young childless women?

What are you planning on doing when your daughter has kids. Will you avoid kids stuff then?

Why not spend sometime with your friend and her son. If you don't you will be losing a friend.

no. she has never menat my DD and I have only known her for 1 yr. My DD has not any plans any time soon for kids, and she is now moving to Texas tomorrow.
I am sorry, I am not nor have I really been a "kid" person...I do not want to hang with little boys! I want to play with big boys!

 

[Buckalew11]

I think this is a hard place to be. I have a BF who has never had kids and while she loves my DD, I am sure she doesn't want me always bringing DD everywhere we go. It is like two friends can be at totally different places in their lives. Sometimes it is one is married and one is not, one has 1 kid, the other has 4, and like in your case, one child is grown and the other has a younger child. Nothing says you still can't be friends but it does make it very different.

No words of advice for you. Just enjoy your time doing fun things you love and also enjoy your friendship and this other child too. There is a happy medium, I'm sure.

 

[Sir Ron]

Well it doesn't seem like you want to be her friend much either. Either tell her straight up that you just don't have any interest in doing things with her or you suck it up and be her friend.

Could it be that she knows she has to have her kid with her obviously but she wants to spend time with you to? I'm not saying that couldn't get old quick but I guess you have to weigh the importance of her friendship to you.

 

[newcomer52]

I wanted to take off to the beach today,(she knows my every move!) I know she and son in tow will hunt me down, so now I am going to stay inside....and I am just agrivated by this!

Don't tell her your every move and then she won't know it! Tell you you don't really know what you are doing, you haven't finalized your plans.

js

 

[WDWVillain]

I think this is a hard place to be. I have a BF who has never had kids and while she loves my DD, I am sure she doesn't want me always bringing DD everywhere we go. It is like two friends can be at totally different places in their lives. Sometimes it is one is married and one is not, one has 1 kid, the other has 4, and like in your case, one child is grown and the other has a younger child. Nothing says you still can't be friends but it does make it very different.

No words of advice for you. Just enjoy your time doing fun things you love and also enjoy your friendship and this other child too. There is a happy medium, I'm sure.

this is right..I do spend SOME time with them, but they do try to fill up all my time!
I have an apointment for a tattoo this week ,and I have plans on doing some boating for the 4th etc. and she kind of wants me to sit at home!

I know she is probaly lonely...but again, I have been there. I do what I can...I even did up her resume the past 2 weeks and even got her an interview for an awesome goverment job! It seems if I give an inch...she trys to take a mile..and I do not want that.

I guess I will have to start leaving my house more

 

[dg39]

When your in the mood not to be bothered just don't answer the phone. If you do speak to her and she mentions a plan for you to join her & her son, just tell her you made other plans or just tell her your not in the mood to do such & such. I have no problem and never did to tell someone that I just didn't feel like doing something. I would just say, no, I don't want to, I'm not in the mood. I never ever came across nasty or rude, as I'm sure you don't either.

I would keep in touch with her though, as she is your friend. But, even so it doesn't mean you have to do stuff with her. I have plenty of friends that I don't socialize with, but, I do speak to them regularly on the phone.

Don't mention where your going to her, if you don't want them to track you down. Eventually, she'll get the idea that your dd is grown and you don't have much in common with those who do have kids.

 

[WDWVillain]

Well it doesn't seem like you want to be her friend much either. Either tell her straight up that you just don't have any interest in doing things with her or you suck it up and be her friend.

Could it be that she knows she has to have her kid with her obviously but she wants to spend time with you to? I'm not saying that couldn't get old quick but I guess you have to weigh the importance of her friendship to you.

well, we are living next door to each other. That is how it started. The funny thing is we are NOTHING alike. I am a wild, tattooed, bike riding, bar going truck driving women and she is LL. Bean. We have nothing in common, AT ALL!

 

[dmslush]

I see where you are coming from. I had dd when I was 19. She is now almost 16 years old. My coworker that is the same age as me has a 16 month old and another on the way. Same thing with most of the people that I went to school with, their kids are toddlers up to 10 year olds. We are all just on a different wave length in our lives. I'm beginning to look forward to my time after dd leaves home, they are still worrying about potty training.

I find myself not being around them very much because I simply have no interest in their children's lives. I mean, I care about them, but I don't want to see their school programs or go to their birthday parties.. you know what I mean?

I'd just sit her down and tell her that for as long as you remember, it feels like you have been having to raise children and now, you just have no desire to do kid things. However, you value her friendship, and you want her to come and enjoy grownup things with you.

 

[Nancyg56]

You are in a tough place but so is your friend. I had my children when I was young and was grateful when others my age took and interest in them. It was fun for the kids and gave me a much needed break as well as giving me the opportunity to have conversations with people that was not solely based upon child related issues.

When my kids were grown I had friends who whose families were younger and I spent time with them. It worked for me becasue I enjoyed the children, they were not mine so their antics amused me a lot. I still enjoy being around women whose kids are growing up.

I guess that you need to be honest with yourself. Do you not want to have anything to do with the child because you are sick of kid stuff? If that is the case you may need to let go of this friendship. Are you interested in some activities but want to pick and choose? You need to let your friend know.

Either way you have to decide what you want and you need to be honest about it. It is not easy. Either way, you need to do what is best for yourself, but be aware that this is going to be part of friendship. There will always be friends whose family circumstances do not mirror yours and they will have interests that do not coincide with your own. Will these differences be deal breakers for you or can you manage to integrate those friendships into your life? You may be surprised how those children of your friends are among your most special gifts as time goes by.

 

[WDWVillain]

I see where you are coming from. I had dd when I was 19. She is now almost 16 years old. My coworker that is the same age as me has a 16 month old and another on the way. Same thing with most of the people that I went to school with, their kids are toddlers up to 10 year olds. We are all just on a different wave length in our lives. I'm beginning to look forward to my time after dd leaves home, they are still worrying about potty training.

I find myself not being around them very much because I simply have no interest in their children's lives. I mean, I care about them, but I don't want to see their school programs or go to their birthday parties.. you know what I mean?

I'd just sit her down and tell her that for as long as you remember, it feels like you have been having to raise children and now, you just have no desire to do kid things. However, you value her friendship, and you want her to come and enjoy grownup things with you.

that is it exactly. I will make time for dinner etc with them. But I have to draw the line somewhere. I am not trying to be mean, but when she calls, she always seems to corner me inot letting her know what I am diong..and I donot like to lie!

oh well, thanks for understanding! I may just have to move

 

[shortbun]

Reading your post it seems that you are over your friendship with her. You mention things you do FOR her but not with her. When I was 40 and not yet a Mom, I spent loads of time with my friends and their children. Now that their children are raised and my child is still young, they are spending time with us-without their children. We are friends, the presence of children or lack of has never seemed to make a difference. Of course, I love kids, always have. I think you need to cut your 'friend' loose. She needs some real friends and you need to get on with your life.

 

[WDWVillain]

Reading your post it seems that you are over your friendship with her. You mention things you do FOR her but not with her. When I was 40 and not yet a Mom, I spent loads of time with my friends and their children. Now that their children are raised and my child is still young, they are spending time with us-without their children. We are friends, the presence of children or lack of has never seemed to make a difference. Of course, I love kids, always have. I think you need to cut your 'friend' loose. She needs some real friends and you need to get on with your life.

yes, I do things FOR her. When she needs things, I am there. hum, when I need something, I do it myself! ok...interesting..

 

[PrincessKitty1]

Calling you EVERY DAY?? Your friend sounds a bit overbearing. I would not want to talk to somebody EVERY DAY unless they were my very closest friend, which doesn't sound like the case here.

I would let your machine pick up her calls and only call her back every few days or once a week. You didn't mention if she drops by or not, but if she does, don't answer the door (you were taking a nap, or it wasn't convenient to see her then, or whatever you feel comfortable saying).

If you want to keep this friendship, you will probably need to do something with her and her child once in a while, but I think it's perfectly fine to tell her you really don't want to do "kid" things at this point in your life--that you adore her son etc. etc. but that you want to have adult fun.

Most people with young children are sensitive to the fact that their adult friends with no kids or grown kids probably do not want to spend all their spare time hanging out with friends' children. If your friend hasn't figured this out, there is nothing wrong with telling her gently (making it clear that it is no reflection on her child) that you want to spend your time with adults.

My best friend while I was in nursing school had 3 young children and really did understand that I did not want to spend all our "friend time" with her and her kids. We did adult things like going out to lunch, going out dancing, etc. now and then when she would get a babysitter or when her kids were in school.

 

[DisneyfeverTN]

You need to set your boundaries. It should be possible to remain friends with her without letting her invade every inch of your life. If you want a day to yourself, don't let her know what you are doing.

I had my dd when I was only 20. I have two other kids 17 & 11. I know how you feel. I don't want to spend all of my free time with small children. It feels great to be able to go to a movie that isn't animated and eat at a restaurant in peace.

There's nothing wrong with what you are wanting. It's too bad she doesn't join a group with mothers that have small children. Set your limits and stick with them.

 

[Luv'sTink]

You are answering your own question.

Tell her you just want to be alone to do what YOU want to do. This isn't about her, it's about you and what you want, so just tell her how you want it.

 

[WDWVillain]

You are answering your own question.

Tell her you just want to be alone to do what YOU want to do. This isn't about her, it's about you and what you want, so just tell her how you want it.

haa haa I do this all the time, sometimes you need to think out loud thou and that is what this is.

Thanks all, I was feeling guilty about this. but 2007 was the year I stopped being a doormat, so I am going to stick to that! I was just given a great job offer, to which I will be starting soon. that should help things work there way out!

thanks all

 

[Pam]

Since you stated that she's moving to Texas tomorrow, it appears that your problem solved itself. You could go to the beach with her and her son today and send them off with a happy memory.

If you choose not to, just open your front door and run for your truck or bike and leave -- and turn your cell phone on vibrate so you don't take her phone calls.