Husband thinks our son is gay

[Myothername]

Honestly. He does. I don't care either way but I have never thought he was anyway. Son is 22, lives at home. He is an only child and is very private about his personal life. He always has been. I have talked to other only children and they said they were the same way. I guess having one child we were always up in his business because he was all we had so now he does not want to share.

He has dated a few girls but husband claims since he has never brought one home for us to meet those don't count. I don't know what to say to him. I am closer to our son than he is and actually their relationship is pretty thin. Husband wants me to ask our son if he is gay and tell him we don't care if he is. He thinks son is hiding this from us and that is the reason for any and all of his problems (dropping out of school, minor drug use, gets angry at us about stuff, works minimum wage job, etc. nothing that other people don't do or have done) I am not about to do that because it is none of our business.

Part of the problem is husband works with a bunch of women and all they do is talk about their kids who are all around the same age as our son. He is constantly comparing our son to their "perfect" children. I keep telling husband that our son has always done things his own way and is not ever going to change. No he is not perfect. Dropped out of college, works at a minimum wage job, very messy in his room, etc. But he is a good person and goes out of his way to help friends and total strangers.

 

[MinnieLovesMickey12]

If it were me I would not ask him because when or if he ever gets ready to tell you he will tell you. I paved the way for my kids to be open with me if they grew up to be gay because I told them all from the time they were old enough to know what gay is that if they grew up to be gay it would be ok. They would be loved and accepted in this family.

I grew up with a gay sister so I have never been homophobic or intolerant of gay ppl.

 

[Myothername]

Whenever the subject has come up, from something on tv or a former classmate who is gay, I always said I have no problem with it. I feel like he knows how I feel on the subject. But the ONLY indication my husband has is he has never brought a girl home. Well I never brought a boy home until I met my husband. he was the first one. Son discusses this girl and that girl with me from time to time but only in general. Yes I have friends who have sons who bring girls home all the time and it would be nice to meet these girls. But it is not the end of the world. Husband says he just doesn't know what to tell people when they ask who son is dating. I tell him just say I don't know. He doesn't discuss it with me. That is not good enough for him.

 

[Sanchez]

Here we go.

 

[luvsJack]

He doesn't know what to say when asked who your son is dating?

How about "no one in particular right now". No other explanation required.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Not an adult yet -he's acting more like a somewhat irresponsible teenager. Help/let/make him grow up. Don't be concerned about his sexuality.

 

[Myothername]

Not an adult yet -he's acting more like a somewhat irresponsible teenager. Help/let/make him grow up. Don't be concerned about his sexuality.

You hit it right on the head there. He does still act alot like a teenager. He is making some steps. He and some buddies are looking for a house to rent. He has always been a little on the immature side. He just is at a point in his life he knows he needs to do something career wise. He just doesn't know what he wants to do. He has a steady job that he likes and that is more than lots have right now.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

There is a very real possibility that your son has a certain taste in women and sees no reason to waste his time being with a woman with whom he knows he has no future. Perhaps he is also mature enough to know not to get both his and her emotions involved and risk someone really getting hurt in a relationship that has no future. Also, he could see introducing a girl to the parents as a major step - highly likely as he is now 22 and hasn't introduced yall to anyone yet. At this point, I can see how he would think that if he hadn't introduced yall to anyone, it would be assumed that when he did, things were serious. Since he hasn't been serious about any of these girls, he doesn't want to falsely lead her on or pretend that the relationship is something it isn't, either to her, you, or himself. When asked who his son is dating, I see no reason your husband can't just respond with, "No one seriously right now. He is still looking for the right one." It's polite, to the point, and not inaccurate.

 

[Myothername]

There is a very real possibility that your son has a certain taste in women and sees no reason to waste his time being with a woman with whom he knows he has no future. Perhaps he is also mature enough to know not to get both his and her emotions involved and risk someone really getting hurt in a relationship that has no future. Also, he could see introducing a girl to the parents as a major step - highly likely as he is now 22 and hasn't introduced yall to anyone yet. At this point, I can see how he would think that if he hadn't introduced yall to anyone, it would be assumed that when he did, things were serious. Since he hasn't been serious about any of these girls, he doesn't want to falsely lead her on or pretend that the relationship is something it isn't, either to her, you, or himself. When asked who his son is dating, I see no reason your husband can't just respond with, "No one seriously right now. He is still looking for the right one." It's polite, to the point, and not inaccurate.

This sounds right. Thinking of his friends, his closest friends are just like him. They go out with a girl a few times but nothing serious. Seems to be the same with the girls his age I know. Husband said he brought girls home all the time. I never did and neither did my brothers. Husband just thinks our son should be like others and he never has been and never will be. Thanks.

 

[luvmy3]

Honestly. He does. I don't care either way but I have never thought he was anyway. Son is 22, lives at home. He is an only child and is very private about his personal life. He always has been. I have talked to other only children and they said they were the same way. I guess having one child we were always up in his business because he was all we had so now he does not want to share.

He has dated a few girls but husband claims since he has never brought one home for us to meet those don't count. I don't know what to say to him. I am closer to our son than he is and actually their relationship is pretty thin. Husband wants me to ask our son if he is gay and tell him we don't care if he is. He thinks son is hiding this from us and that is the reason for any and all of his problems (dropping out of school, minor drug use, gets angry at us about stuff, works minimum wage job, etc. nothing that other people don't do or have done) I am not about to do that because it is none of our business.

Part of the problem is husband works with a bunch of women and all they do is talk about their kids who are all around the same age as our son. He is constantly comparing our son to their "perfect" children. I keep telling husband that our son has always done things his own way and is not ever going to change. No he is not perfect. Dropped out of college, works at a minimum wage job, very messy in his room, etc. But he is a good person and goes out of his way to help friends and total strangers.

Your dh thinks your ds being gay (allegedly) is the reason for those issues, or the hiding it is? Anyway, if it doesn't matter then it doesn't matter so why ask. If he is, let him tell you when he is ready.
FTR, I don't think the fact that your ds hasn't brought a girl home means anything other than maybe he isn't comfortable bringing a girl there. Why he isn't comfortable I have no idea, but it doesn't necessarily mean he is gay.

 

[wiigirl]

If it were me I would not ask him because when or if he ever gets ready to tell you he will tell you. I paved the way for my kids to be open with me if they grew up to be gay because I told them all from the time they were old enough to know what gay is that if they grew up to be gay it would be ok. They would be loved and accepted in this family.

I grew up with a gay sister so I have never been homophobic or intolerant of gay ppl.

100% agree....just love and accept him and everything will turn out good either way.

 

[Colleen27]

I would gently point out to your husband that he's likely hearing a very sanitized version of what his co-worker's kids have been up to.

Beyond that, I wouldn't bring up the issue. I was the second "girl" (using the word very loosely) DH brought home to meet his parents. He was 29 when we met and we dated for 6 months before I met his family. He just isn't the kind of guy to bring women around unless it was very serious. There are a lot of reasons for that, including the relationship he has with his parents, but it also has a lot to do with the fact that he's just a very private person by nature. Your son will bring a girl (or a guy) around when he's ready, but not having a serious relationship and being a bit of a slacker at 22 is hardly unique and doesn't seem worthy of the analysis your DH is putting into it.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Maybe your husband needs to learn how to make up lies about his son, just like the other women at his work do about their own children.

Honestly. Comparing your child to what another parents says about their child is ridiculous.

 

[Disneyland1084]

22 is stil very young. I wouldn't be concerned at the fact he's brought no woman home yet. He could possibly be one of those people that has no desire to ever get married. It wouldn't mean he's gay.

 

[lizabu]

I think you're DH is making too much of DS not having a steady GF

You hit it right on the head there. He does still act alot like a teenager. He is making some steps. He and some buddies are looking for a house to rent. He has always been a little on the immature side. He just is at a point in his life he knows he needs to do something career wise. He just doesn't know what he wants to do. He has a steady job that he likes and that is more than lots have right now.

This is where my son is too. He's 19 and he's working on a Apprenticeship. He talks about going out west to work when he completes it. He also has a year in school to do. Guess what? Ha doesn't have a steady GF either. He works 60+ hours per week and is focusing on getting his career going. Dating can be expensive and you have to have time for it. Maybe your DS is trying to get his ducks in a row before he gets a steady GF. Even my DH said that when we first started dating he wanted to impress me and he spent a lot of money on dinners and movies and going out here and there. And girls like a guy with a car. And that costs money too.

 

[Nancy]

I had to laugh because this sounds like the scenario with my BIL. He moved to another city when he was in his early 20's. He never brought anyone home when he lived here and never really talked about anyone that he was seeing.

I met my husband when I was 25. When we got married at age 27 and my BIL still had not had a steady person he dated that we knew of. Then 1 year later her met his wife to be. First thing my MIL said was she always thought he was gay and just not telling us.

My BIL says he just didn't tell us about all the girls he went out with because none of them got serious enough for the family to meet.

I was also the first "girlfriend" my husband introduced to his family and that was maybe a month after we started to date. He also wanted to make sure it was not a casual thing before having me meet his parents.

 

[NEDisneyFans]

Whenever the subject has come up, from something on tv or a former classmate who is gay, I always said I have no problem with it. I feel like he knows how I feel on the subject. But the ONLY indication my husband has is he has never brought a girl home. Well I never brought a boy home until I met my husband. he was the first one. Son discusses this girl and that girl with me from time to time but only in general. Yes I have friends who have sons who bring girls home all the time and it would be nice to meet these girls. But it is not the end of the world. Husband says he just doesn't know what to tell people when they ask who son is dating. I tell him just say I don't know. He doesn't discuss it with me. That is not good enough for him.

My nephew didn't bring a girl home until he was 21 -- he came home on leave (USMC) and brought his "girlfriend" -- he didn't tell his folks that they had actually been married for two months, it came up when his mom saw her DIL's military ID!

Nephew had always been very private and didn't like people prying into his business (my SIL and her family have NO boundaries, and that was his way of dealing with them).

After the cat was out of the bag, my brother called to ask me if I had known -- I told him that even if I had, I would not have violated his son's trust, so why ask me? I would have respected his son's wishes to keep it to myself.

Which is exactly what I did

Hey, I <3 being the "favorite auntie" and each of my nieces and nephew has known since an early age that I will keep their confidence as long as they weren't at risk of harm or breaking any laws.

I was always close to my mom, but as a teen I still appreciated having a couple of trusted adults who weren't my parent with whom I could talk, and promised myself I would be that person when I grew up.

 

[TinkerBelled]

This sounds like two of my cousins. In one case, he was absolutely straight, but just was intensely private; his parents only met his girlfriend about six months before he proposed. In the other case, he was gay and didn't want to come out; it wasn't until he met someone particularly special that he felt like he really had to share with his parents. They were fine with it (as he very well knew they would be, as they had many gay friends while he was growing up), but he was still nervous.

It's possible your husband is picking up on something that you aren't--although his evidence seems remarkably slender. The only thing to do is to make it clear (in a roundabout way) that you're fine with gay people and wait for whatever will happen to happen.

 

[lauradis]

First thing that came to mind was. To ask my hubby if he would still love our child if he was gay, second would be I don't care if he is gay you ask him.

Op really he will tell you if he is when time comes, as long as he feels loved and acceptance.

There is nothing wrong with struggling to find out what you want to do in life, heck some 40 yr olds don't know.

Sounds like hubby loves him and want to have something to brag about his son at work. Maybe you can help your husband see something positive to brag about! Drawing, cooking, raise, writing, triva facts, hunting, think of everything positive.

Maybe an open honest conversation with your hubby about what he would like to see for his son, maybe your husband is frustrated and had vision of grander for his only child.

 

[tvguy]

Sounds like me. I didn't bring a girl home to meet mom until I was 23. Probably because up until then my career came first, because I hadn't met the right girl, and to be honest, because I wasn't very mature.
We were both 24 when we got married. Everyone's different, to my mom, who got married at age 27, I got married too young. My MIL got married at 18, and thought DW was an old made when she hit 20 and wasn't married.

I wouldn't even give your son's situation a thought. When he is ready to bring home a girl, or a guy to meet you, he will.