Just thought I would share this to lighten the mood...
You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need a refresher course: You're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points. (1) There is no need to panic, and (2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food & water to last your family for a week.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
Step 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items: HOMEOWNER'S INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements: (1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Wisconsin.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance. They might be required to actually pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, they can drop you like used dental floss.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows and all the doors. There are several types of shutters; all have advantages and disadvantages:
PLYWOOD SHUTTERS:The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap.
SHEET-METAL SHUTTERS: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
ROLL-DOWN SHUTTERS: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
HURRICANE-PROOF WINDOWS: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman, who lives in Nebraska, guarantees it.
HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like B-B-Q grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc...you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your empty swimming pool.
(Drain the water out of your swimming pool, or if your pool drain won't work, use the water to flush your toilet. Roughly 5000 flushes should empty the pool.) If you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately. Wrap your garden hoses around trees. Otherwise, the hurricane force winds will turn these items into deadly missiles. (Of course, if the hurricane rips up your trees, you will also lose your garden hoses. Nevertheless, it's a FL tradition to wrap your hoses around trees.)
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license. If it says "Florida", you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, You will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees.. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of cat food. In addition to food and water for a week, you will need the following supplies: 23 Flashlights, and at least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, after the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
BLEACH. No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some! (It's like boiling water when a baby is coming. Nobody knows what to do with the boiling water either, but watch any movie. When a woman gives birth, they ALWAYS boil water!)
A BIG KNIFE that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A LARGE QUANTITY OF RAW CHICKEN, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your TV if you have a generator that's works to keep the TV going. Otherwise you'll miss watching TV reporters in rain slickers standing next to the ocean and telling you repeatedly that it is vitally important for everybody to stay away from the ocean. And no hurricane parties!
Good luck and remember: It's great living in Paradise! (And FL will be Paradise in January and February, if you can survive that long!)
You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need a refresher course: You're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points. (1) There is no need to panic, and (2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food & water to last your family for a week.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
Step 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items: HOMEOWNER'S INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements: (1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Wisconsin.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance. They might be required to actually pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, they can drop you like used dental floss.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows and all the doors. There are several types of shutters; all have advantages and disadvantages:
PLYWOOD SHUTTERS:The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap.
SHEET-METAL SHUTTERS: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
ROLL-DOWN SHUTTERS: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
HURRICANE-PROOF WINDOWS: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman, who lives in Nebraska, guarantees it.
HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like B-B-Q grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc...you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your empty swimming pool.
(Drain the water out of your swimming pool, or if your pool drain won't work, use the water to flush your toilet. Roughly 5000 flushes should empty the pool.) If you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately. Wrap your garden hoses around trees. Otherwise, the hurricane force winds will turn these items into deadly missiles. (Of course, if the hurricane rips up your trees, you will also lose your garden hoses. Nevertheless, it's a FL tradition to wrap your hoses around trees.)
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license. If it says "Florida", you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, You will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees.. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of cat food. In addition to food and water for a week, you will need the following supplies: 23 Flashlights, and at least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, after the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
BLEACH. No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some! (It's like boiling water when a baby is coming. Nobody knows what to do with the boiling water either, but watch any movie. When a woman gives birth, they ALWAYS boil water!)
A BIG KNIFE that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A LARGE QUANTITY OF RAW CHICKEN, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your TV if you have a generator that's works to keep the TV going. Otherwise you'll miss watching TV reporters in rain slickers standing next to the ocean and telling you repeatedly that it is vitally important for everybody to stay away from the ocean. And no hurricane parties!
Good luck and remember: It's great living in Paradise! (And FL will be Paradise in January and February, if you can survive that long!)
It's really used to purify water if it's contaminated and you can't boil it, you can use unscented bleach to do it.
