How Would You Handle This?

[DisneyPRPrincess]

I just got a call from my daughter's teacher. It seems that at lunch time there was a situation where my daughter's best friend's coin purse went missing. The teacher came over and tried to find out what had happened. In the interim the coin purse reappeared. My daughter told the teacher that Pam took it. Pam looked at the teacher genuinely shocked and said she didn't do it. Now if you know my daughter you can tell she is lying by the look on her face. She does not have a good poker face. Well, when they went back to the classroom she asked to speak to Pam and DD. She told them to discuss it between them and give her an answer. Turns out my DD was the culprit. When asked why? She said that she was upset that Pam was spending time with her best friend and wanted to get Pam in trouble. It seems that this year since her best friend is in the same class with her for the first time, she doesn't know how to handle it. She gets upset when her BF is spending time with other people.

I am a bit upset by this whole situation. How would you handle it?

 

[diznygirl]

Tell her that her behavior was not acceptable. Tell her the way she could have handled her feelings about her friends. She should know there are better ways to handle situations and what those could be. And then she gets punished.

 

[taximomfor4]

I would begin with having her sit down and write a nice, lengthy Apology letter to Pam. Perhaps another one for the teacher...and lastly, another one for her friend. Is this your 9yo? Early elementary school, best-friend-shifting seems to occur pretty regularly and she could maybe use a nice conversation with you about her feelings, how to act on them, etc.

I think a super-nice gesture (that many may disagree with) is to have your dd earn (and work hard for) the money to buy Pam and BF each an icecream at lunch. Gotta be sure she really does it, and she DOES NOT get one also.

But then again, I am pretty twisted and mean, I hear from my kids.

Beth

 

[ckay87]

Girls sure are smart aren't they? I have sons - When the boys are mad they just hit each other. Why is it we haven't had a woman president yet? But I digress.......

I'd focus on the lying - that is the big picture. My DS used to be a horrible liar too, but at some point he mastered it . It can become a real bad habit.

Good luck.

 

[Independent]

This seems pretty similar to a situation I had with one of my kids. She became way too dependent on this single friend. She was jealous of her friend having anything to do with anybody except her. At her age, she just didn't understand that this behavior was more likely to push her friend away than protect their friendship.

First of all, as the others said, deal with the lying. That is not acceptable.

Then, this is how we handled our DD's situation. Don't know if it would work for you, but it really helped our kid.

It was a total pain and a lot of work, but I just scheduled play date after play date with other girls. Some were a disaster where the girls just couldn't stand each other, but others worked out. So far, DD seems much happier now that she has a broader circle of friends.

I never let on what I was doing, because she would have felt disloyal to #1 friend. I just would casually say - let's invite so-and-so over. I kept it short and made sure I had plans for them. We went to the movies, etc.

I also made sure DD was enrolled in one sport or activity that did not include #1 friend. I was hoping she would start working on her own identity separate of her friends.

 

[DisneyPRPrincess]

OK so I had to wait till the little boy I tutor left in order to talk to her. The moment I asked her what happened at school today her whole demeanor changed. She knew something was up. I asked her why did she lie and she told me the same thing the teacher told me. I told her we do not tolerate lying in our family. We reward honesty and trying to get someone else in trouble just aint right.

So since she wanted me to take her to the movies just the two of us this weekend, I told her that those plans are scratched. I also told her that there is no TV or video games till Sunday morning. And she also had to write an apology letter to the teacher and to her BFF and classmate.

Was that sufficient enough? Do you think she will learn? Or was I too hard on her?

I just don't want her to think that this behavior is appropriate.

 

[DisneyPRPrincess]

I would begin with having her sit down and write a nice, lengthy Apology letter to Pam. Perhaps another one for the teacher...and lastly, another one for her friend. Is this your 9yo? Early elementary school, best-friend-shifting seems to occur pretty regularly and she could maybe use a nice conversation with you about her feelings, how to act on them, etc.

I think a super-nice gesture (that many may disagree with) is to have your dd earn (and work hard for) the money to buy Pam and BF each an icecream at lunch. Gotta be sure she really does it, and she DOES NOT get one also.

But then again, I am pretty twisted and mean, I hear from my kids.

Beth

Yes this was DD 9.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

 

[momrek06]

DD 9's friend has a BF that is getting in the middle of their relationship....

OMG, these are CHILDREN....

There should not be BF's yet!!! There should be dolls and dress-up and fun times with each other....no boys YET!!!

ETA: My DS' are 24&21, so maybe I am "out of it"!!!

to you, OP and to your DD!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OK OK, wait one minute, I just re-read the OP's post, are you meaning BF as in best friend, because I took it as boy friend....sorry, if I messed that UP!!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Um...mom, I think she means Best Friend.

 

[ilovejack02]

OK so I had to wait till the little boy I tutor left in order to talk to her. The moment I asked her what happened at school today her whole demeanor changed. She knew something was up. I asked her why did she lie and she told me the same thing the teacher told me. I told her we do not tolerate lying in our family. We reward honesty and trying to get someone else in trouble just aint right.

So since she wanted me to take her to the movies just the two of us this weekend, I told her that those plans are scratched. I also told her that there is no TV or video games till Sunday morning. And she also had to write an apology letter to the teacher and to her BFF and classmate.

Was that sufficient enough? Do you think she will learn? Or was I too hard on her?

I just don't want her to think that this behavior is appropriate.

I think ya did good mom!! She just needs to learn how to express her feelings to her friends with out pulling a stunt to show she is mad.

 

[momrek06]

Um...mom, I think she means Best Friend.

Um...mystery, I figured that out....look above you...

I am an idiot!!!

 

[Vivianne]

Give her a speech and then have her give the friend the same amount she had in the coin purse from her allowance.

 

[ndelaware]

I thought your punishment was fair except for writing to the other two children. I think a verbal apology to the other kids would suffice and allow them to move on faster. I am sure she is embarrassed enough but a formal letter of apology may cause her undue ridicule in the hands of another child.

 

[CF'er]

I think you handled this the correct way.
DS10 started a "slam book" with 3 others in his class. The boy it was about found it and gave it to their teacher. They all got in-school suspension for 2 days. DS also had to write a letter of apology to the teacher and the little boy. He was banned from all TV etc....

My DD8 wanted her BestFriend in her class but the drama that resulted from the bus ride alone told me that I didn't want it spilling over into class.

I'm sure she'll survive and you'll be onto the next crisis in no time.

 

[JR6ooo4]

Maybe I missed someone else with this idea but:

she may have taken the purse for herself and when close to being caught she made up the other story...

Mikeeee

 

[SleepyMom]

I am a bit upset by this whole situation. How would you handle it?

Wow, that brought a flashback moment for me. I think you handled it well, just keep an ear out for anything that might pop up in the future.

When DD13 was in 2nd grade she had basically the same incident, instead of a missing coinpurse though it was a mysterious note given to BF. A new girl (A) had moved to the school and her and DD hit it off and DD introduced her around. DD and A spent a lot of time with BF (B), well pretty soon A & B started to edge DD out and she was hurt. So, she wrote a note saying mean things and tried to give it to BF (B) from A.

The problem was DD had signed it with her own name and then tried to erase it, when the girls gave it to the teacher she knew it was from DD. The teacher called us in and showed us the note, I knew it was from DD as soon as I saw it because it was her stationary from home (plus the erased name). I don't remember the exact punishment anymore (it's been 5 years), but I do remember having her apologize to both girls and the teacher.

 

[DisneyPRPrincess]

DD 9's friend has a BF that is getting in the middle of their relationship....

OMG, these are CHILDREN....

There should not be BF's yet!!! There should be dolls and dress-up and fun times with each other....no boys YET!!!

ETA: My DS' are 24&21, so maybe I am "out of it"!!!

to you, OP and to your DD!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OK OK, wait one minute, I just re-read the OP's post, are you meaning BF as in best friend, because I took it as boy friend....sorry, if I messed that UP!!!!

Um....there are no BOY FRIENDS. This is her BEST FRIEND.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Um....there are no BOY FRIENDS. This is her BEST FRIEND.

This was addressed on the other page.

 

[momrek06]

Um....there are no BOY FRIENDS. This is her BEST FRIEND.

Um.....LOOOOOK at the last sentence in MY post....HELLLLLLLLO!!!!

This was addressed on the other page.

THANK YOU!!! As well as in MY post!!!