How would you feel about this?- Long

[Freyja]

Tomorrow DH´s grandparents are having a christmas/dinner party for their children and grandchildren. 2 of them live overseas but will both be there tomorrow. DMIL lives a 6 hour drive away. DMIL and her siblings are hardly ever all in the country at the same time. Let alone in the same house. A couple of years ago DH´s granddad had a series of strokes and has been quite ill since. This could very possibly be the only chance of the whole family coming together before he dies.

A week before christmas DH calls his mom to ask her if she´ll be coming. She says she isn´t planning to but he convinces her to come and stay with us for 2 days, go and meet her siblings and parents and in general just enjoy some time with her family, her son and grandchildren. She agrees and we make plans for her to stay with us, she decides to take her 14 year old daughter along and we all look forward to seeing them. Especially my kids whom of course love their grandmother and see her far to seldom. Actually they´ve never seen her over christmas (they live in a small house and can´t really accomodate the 6 of us).

Yesterday she calls to say that she won´t be coming after all. She feels the drive is to long, flight is too expensive and it won´t be worth it. Great! We had to tell the kids grandma wasn´t coming and try to explain why. My mother died 4 years ago so this is the only grandma they´ve got.

DH is sad that the whole family won´t be gathered tomorrow and that she never seems to prioritize time with her family opposed to her husbands family.

How would you feel?

 

[Christine]

It depends. I guess I'd *really* have to know your MIL to figure this out.

Now, I'm no old lady by any means but certain things are tough for me to do. I'm not sure that I would be able to drive for 6 hours without someone to relieve me. I can do about 3.5-4 hours maximum and then I'm done in. It could simply be that she feels that she cannot do that drive without any help.

Now, pardon me if you know that she drives all over the country alone at other times, with no problem. Just trying to point out that she *might* have a valid point about not wanting to drive 6 hours. And the flight is probably pretty pricey at this point.

Otherwise, you have to let it go.

My DH's father lives only an hour a way. He has not seen his grandchildren in about 2 years. It is just his way. He's a nice man, but he's just not interested in hanging out with family. He's as much said so. I have accepted that this is how he is. I try to enjoy him for some of his good qualities and I do not take it personally.

 

[phorsenuf]

How far from the grandparents is you mother? Its too bad she's missing such a great opportunity.

See, now me, I'd probably drive down and then bring her home. Yep, even if it is 6 hours each way.

 

[Freyja]

It depends. I guess I'd *really* have to know your MIL to figure this out.

Now, I'm no old lady by any means but certain things are tough for me to do. I'm not sure that I would be able to drive for 6 hours without someone to relieve me. I can do about 3.5-4 hours maximum and then I'm done in. It could simply be that she feels that she cannot do that drive without any help.
Now, pardon me if you know that she drives all over the country alone at other times, with no problem. Just trying to point out that she *might* have a valid point about not wanting to drive 6 hours. And the flight is probably pretty pricey at this point.

Otherwise, you have to let it go.

My DH's father lives only an hour a way. He has not seen his grandchildren in about 2 years. It is just his way. He's a nice man, but he's just not interested in hanging out with family. He's as much said so. I have accepted that this is how he is. I try to enjoy him for some of his good qualities and I do not take it personally.

That´s certainly not her problem, although a very valid arguement from your part. See, she drives down here multiple times a year when she feels like it. Wants to go shopping in the city, etc.

I just think it´s sad. But you´re right. That´s just who she is and we must try to not take it personally. Hard though when she is really attentive to her new family (including her daughter), but never takes much interest in her sons family or her own (siblings and parents) for that sake.

 

[disneymom3]

I am sorry that is happening. These family dynamics things can be hard. I do know how you feel. My mom died last Feb and not ONE of her sisters came to her funeral. Now, some of them it would be a financial hardship. another though, her son works for an airline so she can fly free and a couple of the others are quite well off. I just could not fathom not attending my sisters funerals. For that matter, none of them came to my dad's either and I could not imagine not being there to support my sister if she lost her spouse. It didn't even phase or surpise her though. People are just different.

I am really sad for your kids though. That must have been very hard to tell them.

 

[horseshowmom]

I agree with you that it's sad. Considering the fact that two of the siblings now live out of the country and her parents aren't in the best of health, you never know if this could be the last time that they could all be together. I'm sure it would mean a lot to her parents as well as to your children. I'm sorry it turned out this way...

 

[Luv'sTink]

I think it is sad.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So, what you are saying is that DH's mom does not want to see her parents, siblings, and your family on Christmas.
Also your DH has a 14yo sister?

I would chalk this up to there is more to the story and it isn't about you.

Your poor DH...he wants mommy to be the person he has in his head, instead of who she really is. Acceptance is vital to his happiness...

So how would I feel?
Pain for my DH and I would try and give lots of hugs, reassurance that the family he does have now is what is important.
Tell him you would never do that to our children.

 

[Freyja]

So, what you are saying is that DH's mom does not want to see her parents, siblings, and your family on Christmas.
Also your DH has a 14yo sister?

I would chalk this up to there is more to the story and it isn't about you.

Your poor DH...he wants mommy to be the person he has in his head, instead of who she really is. Acceptance is vital to his happiness...

So how would I feel?
Pain for my DH and I would try and give lots of hugs, reassurance that the family he does have now is what is important.
Tell him you would never do that to our children.

Yep, DH has a 14 year old half-sister. There is definately more to the story and things have been piling up through the years. It´s hard for me to accept that she is the way she is. I come from a very close knit family and my mom was willing to do anything for her children and grandchildren. It´s just hard to accept that my kids grandma wouldn´t do the same.

 

[Christine]

Yep, DH has a 14 year old half-sister. There is definately more to the story and things have been piling up through the years. It´s hard for me to accept that she is the way she is. I come from a very close knit family and my mom was willing to do anything for her children and grandchildren. It´s just hard to accept that my kids grandma wouldn´t do the same.

My parents are the same way with me and my children. I have found, though, that my DH's parents are not that way at all. I always chalked it up to me being an "only" child and my mom doting on me versus my DH's parents who have had 4 children. But, sometimes after I read the DIS boards, I realize it is not that. Some people just have their "issues" or they are more selfish or whatever.

Again, I have just learned to NOT take this stuff personally. It is not about me or my DH--it is something with them. I am sure this is the case with your MIL but, yes, it's a shame for everyone involved.

 

[Barb D]

I wonder what she would say if you or your DH would OFFER to come pick her up?

 

[Freyja]

She wouldn´t accept the offer. She has already said that she feels it´s too much of a hassle to spend 2 days on this visit and that she´s rather just relax at home.

And like Christine said, I don´t think it´s personal, I don´t take it that way at least, but it´s still a shame for everyone involved.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would feel badly, but we cannot control other peoples' behavior.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I come from a very close knit family and my mom was willing to do anything for her children and grandchildren. It´s just hard to accept that my kids grandma wouldn´t do the same.

I will save you some time.....Your acceptance is key to your DH's happiness. Why do I say this?

He had to grow up with this woman and now he is with you. You are the "soft place to fall".

So when this woman pulls stunts to hurt your DH, it will be YOU to the rescue to heal your DH.

Over time his hurt will lessen through your healing.

So when she does mean stuff, instead of getting sad, counteract with kindness to your family.
It is the best medicine EVER...trust me.

 

[mickeyfan2]

See, now me, I'd probably drive down and then bring her home. Yep, even if it is 6 hours each way.