How to tell if someone is really in need?

[RadioFanatic]

I had a somewhat similar situation. I was at the P.O. yesterday to get some stamps and the woman in front of me was trying to mail a package. She tried to credit cards and both declined. She said she would have to come back to pay and left the package. I bought my stamps and saw her in her car in the parking lot on the phone and holding her cc - it looked to me like she was talking to them. I turned around, went inside and paid it - the clerk and other customer were in shock. She had it insured so I brought her the receipt and told her happy holidays. she looked really shocked and thanked me profusely. sometimes you just have to have faith that you are truly helping someone in need.

 

[Keli]

A guy approached us with the same problem outside of a Outback Steakhouse a few years ago. Just so happened that my dh had driven his truck that day and stopped and got gas in a five gallon gas can for the lawn mower and had it sitting in the back of his truck.
Dh told the guy he wouldn't give him any cash but he'd be glad to give him the 5 gallons of gas. The guy didn't even consider it, said no thank you and walked away.
I guess it was either a scam or he was worried that the gas was polluted or something.

 

[RadioFanatic]

My husband and I used to ride the train to work into the Loop. We had the normal morning/evening Chicago commute, and we would see this Vietnam Vet in a wheelchair everyday, he did not have legs. He did not specifically say he was homeless, jut looked down on his luck. He would sit there with a coffee cup for money. He was pretty familiar to everyone. I am sure over the years, we had put a couple bucks in his cup.

One day we both commuted in at an off time, I think like 10:30 am. We are walking toward our respective offices, and we see the guy. The guy pulls out car keys for a nearly brand new Cadillac. So since we have seen this guy for years, and weren't afraid of him, we decided to ask him what gives. He claimed he is in fact a Vietnam Vet (which we never doubted) and considers the pan-handling his job. In cash, he averaged $60,000-$70,000 a year; which was needed in his opinion--since he had two kids attending the University of Chicago. He said he only sits out at the train station during his "peak earning hours" morning and evening rush; and mid-day he takes a break.

Needless to say, we were floored. It had never occurred to us to consider this to be a career.

Now I am not saying everyone is a scammer. A couple of years ago, I managed to get downtown on the train without my wallet. (I did not notice going into the city, because it was so busy they didn't take fares--happens once in a blue moon). So here I am in the Loop, no longer working in the Loop (so no co-workers to hit up) with $0. Out of desperation, I asked a cop for $5 to get home. I was pretty well dressed, and had my purse--just not my wallet. He had a look on his face, like I was scamming him; but since I asked him for $4.80 (my train fare) he couldn't decide if I was legit. He did give me the money, and I took his card too. That night when I got home, I sent him a refund, along with a healthy fee for the use of his money. I was embarrassed, but would not have started asking random people--I just asked the cop that worked at the train station.

Normally, I am a pretty soft touch. One day a man asked me for money for food. I offered him an apple and a granola bar instead. He told me he "wouldn't eat that s**t", after that I decided to leave most helping to professionals, whom I could help with donations to legitimate organizations. I really don't mind helping someone, but it would upset me to know the money was being used for drugs or alcohol.

This reminds me of a memory. I lived in Paris for awhile in my college years. The family I lived with told me how, years earlier, they had a nanny who watched their baby. One day they unexpectadly came home early and teh nanny and baby weren't there. The nanny and baby came home both wearing the worst looking and smelling clothes imaginable. Come to find out the nanny was using the baby to panhandle on the metro and making a killing. needless to say, nanny was not only fired but reported to the police.

 

[JennyDarling]

Here's my gas station story to add to the pot...

5 years ago I was on my way home from work on Christmas eve. I stopped at the gas station for gas and a 12 pack of beer (needed to something to help me finish wrapping gifts) and was approached by a rag tag looking man with the same old story...out of gas, can't get home, blah, blah, blah.

Well, for some reason I was feeling extra merry and gave him a $20. It was all the cash I had but could use my card for my purchases.

He followed me in the store and it turns out he was one of the owners of this chain of gas stations! He gave my $20 back, comped all my purchases and we spent 20 minutes talking about his commitment to various local charities.

It was pretty amazing! I now do quite a bit of volunteer work for one the charities he supports and see him from time to time. He's a great guy. A bit strange and super eccentric but very generous with his wealth.

 

[hucifer]

On the flip side once to me….. We had spent the day at 6 flags (it was 20 mins down the highway),DH had a haircut appointment to get to so he dropped me and the DD’s off at a McDonalds to play while he got his hair cut. I felt guilty about just playing without buying something. So I dug around to see how much I had left in cash on me and tried to figure out what to buy that the girls might eat after a day of garbage park food.
Holding one DD with the diaper backpack and keeping the 5yr old (at the time) right next to me I must have taken a long time at the counter (I do remember letting people go in front of me in line) and I remember saying ok girls what can we share (again remember we had just spent a day at 6 flags eating park food). So I ordered a cheeseburger and fruit parfait with one drink of water for the girls and a small coke for me.
I had the 5 yr old hold the tray while I filled up the water cup and coke cup when a man came up to me handed my 5 yr old a 20 and said you tell mama to get you something more tonight. As I turned to say something he walked so darn fast. I tried to chase him down but with one on my hips and the other holding my jacket I couldn’t get to him and he was gone.
DH came back about 45 mins later and I told him all about it. He told me we must have just looked so sad that this man felt he had to help this poor lady not being able to feed her kids.
So after a few days of thinking about it I decided that it was something that man needed to do (universal kindness thing) and it was my duty to pass it on. I took the girls to the store and we bought some toys then took them to a charity. It was a good lesson for me and the girls.

Great post! Thank you for sharing!
I love how you paid it forward, too. Great lesson for your children.

 

[rie'smom]

OP, I would look at this way- you did something very nice. If she was dishonest, that is on her.

 

[Pluto 2]

i work in salem county new jersey. the panhandlers have become so bad that the newspaper had a article about it if you see a panhandler call the cops non emergency number if you cannot remember the non emergency number call 911. i would never call 911 for a panhandler you could be tying up the system for something really important but thats what the article said.

 

[castleview]

Used to ride the subway to work and saw just about everything. I have become an extremely cold person to individuals begging on the street and now only donate to organizations, outreaches, food banks or local families who are in sudden need.

 

[DawnM]

These exact same scenarios happen to me in various parts of the country.

Several, "I need gas money to get to X" in hysteria, one guy's daughter was in a hospital nearby and he needed gas money (this was in a restaurant parking lot!), and a man banging on my window in downtown LA saying his daughter was trapped in their locked car around the corner and he needed money for a locksmith.

I am a sucker and have given money sometimes. Other times I don't.

Dawn

 

[indimom]

I think you did a kindness and shouldn't worry about whether it was a scam or not.

A couple weeks ago, someone knocked on our back door, an uncommon event, so DH and I both answered the door. There was an older gentleman standing there with a coffee can with some information and a photo on it. He said he was collecting money for a family whose teenage daughter had cancer.
We live in a small town, I've seen this man before, he is mildly disabled and can't drive and rides his bike around town nearly every day. It's not uncommon here to see these types of collections set up at stores and gas stations, but I've never had anyone come to our door like that.
It may have been a scam, I don't know him well enough to say. I've never heard of this family (and it is a small town), but we gave him what cash we had on hand anyway. If he used it for himself, so be it.

 

[LukenDC]

I never give money to people I don't know. I will, however, buy food for someone who asks for it.

Once I was approached by a homeless man who said that he had a job interview and wondered if I could either give him an acceptable shirt to wear or buy him one at a thrift shop. I was wearing a new shirt and I immediately took it off and gave it to him.

 

[klacey1]

I once saw a panhandler at an intersection with a sign that simply said that he was a drunk and needed to buy wine. It was very sad and refreshingly honest all at the same time.

There's a guy in Times Square who carries a sign that says "Give me money to buy WEED." He looks to be college age and charges stupid tourists money to take pictures with him. He also takes "donations." The amount of money this guy had the last time I saw him was disgusting. . .he looks ratty, but not homeless. I wouldn't be surprised if he goes to NYU or another city college on his parents' dime.
I unfortunately, almost always assume the worst. I really never give people money. DBF is another story-- he's a sucker for the "vet" signs and always wants to give. We make hefty donations to the Humane Society and St. Jude's, so I feel like I'm doing my part to a legit organization.

 

[Feralpeg]

I don't think you can ever really know. You just look at the whole situation, make your best judgment, and then pray that your actions bring about some good somehow.

If $10 isn't something you're going to miss, I'd say it's a small price to pay for the chance to help someone. You're not only buying her some gas, but helping restore her faith that the world isn't as cold and scary as we hear it is sometimes.

Exactly. Although you'll never know for sure, just let your heart feel that you did the right thing for someone in need.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

A rambling post -

I worked in NYC for almost 15 years, so I have seen it all. That said, even though I knew that some of them were professional pan handlers, I gave often. I just consider myself to be fortunate and am not afraid to give to someone who might not be as desperate as they appear.

My wife is a really soft touch. When we lived on Long Island, she would buy a trunk load of wool blankets and drive around on cold days looking for homeless people. I feared for her sometimes, because I worked so far away and she did this alone, but God looked after her.

About 3 years ago, around this time of year, we pulled into the local super market. There was a woman outside that my wife recognized. She had a few kids in our school. My wife did not know her personally, but she knew of her, and knew which kids were hers. Well, she was crying beside a full shopping cart with the police next to her. We didn't want to approach her with the police there, so my wife went inside the market to ask the manager (who she knew) what was going on. Turns out that this woman had been out of work for a long time and was trying to buy over $200 worth of groceries with a personal check that everyone knew would not be good. She had done it before, and tried to pay everyone back, but she had no job and had a number of children, and it was Christmas.

The police were there because the market called them. The market wanted to help, but they had helped before. The police had also paid for her last shopping "mistake" - paid it out of their pockets. But their policy was to only do it once, so this woman was about to go to jail.

My wife paid for her groceries and then went to the ATM and withdrew a few hundred dollars for the woman. She just walked up to her, hugged her, handed her the money and said Merry Christmas. She cried then and a number of times since. She is now working again, and she has tried to pay us back (though my wife refuses - says it was a Christmas gift).

The whole community helped this woman, and she and her children are all better off for it. Sometimes people who you see in this situation multiple times may really be in need.

 

[dopeysgirl01]

Last year around Christmas time I was with my kids in Walmart. A woman with a baby approached me and asked if I could give her some money to buy groceries. She had no money and was going to steal the stuff in her cart but really didn't want to. She was in tears. I looked in the cart and it was basic groceries, nothing extravagent. I never carry any cash. I took her to the register paid for her stuff and then mine. Do I know if I was scammed? I won't ever know. She looked devasted and I felt like I did something good in front of my kids.

 

[RainbowBrite]

It's posts like these that make me realize how fortunate I truly am. I worry often about money and how we'll get all our bills paid, when we'll ever be able to move into an apartment that is not the size of a shoebox, etc. Then I read things like this and feel so grateful that we are able to put food on the table and that we have a place to live, even if it is a very small one. I'm grateful that even though it took us 3 years to save for a Disney trip that only cost $1500, we were able to go this past September and bring my little sister. That we have warm, presentable clothes to wear and can buy what we need at the grocery store.

DisneyBamaFan, your post brought tears to my eyes. Your wife is a wonderful person.

 

[Carly_Roach]

If I want to give the money I do. What they do with it after is none of my concern. If they do buy food because they're hungry, great. If they buy drugs or alcohol, that's on them. I've never been homeless or lived on the streets, so I'm not going to judge people who do and how they learn to deal with their situation. I just thank God I'm not in their shoes, give them the money and move along. And I don't feel stupid for having tried to help someone. My heart is in the right place, so to me, that's what matters most.

Yes, this is how I see it, too. I donate because of how it makes me feel, not so I can judge the other person on how they spend it.

True charity doesn't demand evidence of need, dictate how the charity is to be directed, nor expect gratitude for the giving of it. Charity is for the benefit of the giver, not the receiver. At least, that's how I was raised.

 

[BroganMc]

I'm never really sure. I used to give whenever I'd see a panhandler on the streets in Baltimore. Several are always outside the sports stadiums after a game. Then the local news ran a story where they followed these panhandlers back to their vehicles or off to buy drugs. The latter is what really disturbs me. I have no desire to support someone's drug habit. I know too many families destroyed by drug abuse. So now I'm more suspicious.

But I have encountered several people who were simply distraught. The last time was at Christmas a year ago. I was out shopping and there was this lady pleading with a fella at Staples. She needed to make copies of her resume for a job interview and didn't have the cash for pay for it. (Woulda taken me 10 minutes if I was at my home computer.) She had a daughter with special needs and was in the midst of a bad divorce. Just trying to get back on her feet with a decent job. I never carry cash, so when I rang up my charges I had the clerk put hers on my card too. She wanted my address so she could pay me back but of course I refused. I often wonder how she made out.

My only concern when someone wants cash is that I'm opening myself to being a target for a bigger crime. Give $10 and they see you have more in your wallet, get followed to your car and you wind up mugged. But I genuinely want to help people, especially if they find themselves caught in a bad moment. I think that's the Christian thing to do.

Given the situation the OP described I would have given the $10 and felt good that at least I did something nice. If the woman begging had nefarious purposes than that's on her.

I do have a friend who is in bad straights monetarily. Last year she called me up and asked if I could help her do a bit of shopping online. She'd pay me the funds later when her retirement check came in. But the winter was especially cold and her money was needed to pay for heat. So it took her 6 months to pay me back just half. This year I called her and offered to be her family's Kris Kringle. She initially refused because she felt guilty about still owing me for last year. But I insisted I wanted to gift her family something. They are really sweet people but life is much harder for them than me.

It's sad when the druggies or criminals make people so cynical or fearful they are reluctant to help those truly in need. Maybe the only way I've been able to tell is by praying about it and trusting my gut.

One other thing, I am disabled so when I go out shopping one of my biggest problems is just reaching stuff. I have very limited mobility so anything too high or too low is out of my reach. I have to knock stuff down with my dressing stick and hope I can catch it, for instance. So I'm always asking a stranger for help getting this or that off the shelf. I try not to bug the same person or be a bother to someone in a hurry. If there's a store employee around I ask them first. And I always feel a little embarrassed by needing the help. But when someone does help me I am ever so grateful. I try to pay that forward by helping others, even if all I can is offer my knowledge on certain products, directions or a cheerful comment. Sometimes God directs people who could use my money and I help that way. We're all in this life together. We should help each other. I know I feel good when I am able to help someone and just hope people feel good when they are able to help me.

 

[luvsJack]

A rambling post -

I worked in NYC for almost 15 years, so I have seen it all. That said, even though I knew that some of them were professional pan handlers, I gave often. I just consider myself to be fortunate and am not afraid to give to someone who might not be as desperate as they appear.

My wife is a really soft touch. When we lived on Long Island, she would buy a trunk load of wool blankets and drive around on cold days looking for homeless people. I feared for her sometimes, because I worked so far away and she did this alone, but God looked after her.

About 3 years ago, around this time of year, we pulled into the local super market. There was a woman outside that my wife recognized. She had a few kids in our school. My wife did not know her personally, but she knew of her, and knew which kids were hers. Well, she was crying beside a full shopping cart with the police next to her. We didn't want to approach her with the police there, so my wife went inside the market to ask the manager (who she knew) what was going on. Turns out that this woman had been out of work for a long time and was trying to buy over $200 worth of groceries with a personal check that everyone knew would not be good. She had done it before, and tried to pay everyone back, but she had no job and had a number of children, and it was Christmas.

The police were there because the market called them. The market wanted to help, but they had helped before. The police had also paid for her last shopping "mistake" - paid it out of their pockets. But their policy was to only do it once, so this woman was about to go to jail.

My wife paid for her groceries and then went to the ATM and withdrew a few hundred dollars for the woman. She just walked up to her, hugged her, handed her the money and said Merry Christmas. She cried then and a number of times since. She is now working again, and she has tried to pay us back (though my wife refuses - says it was a Christmas gift).

The whole community helped this woman, and she and her children are all better off for it. Sometimes people who you see in this situation multiple times may really be in need.

What a wonderful person your wife must be!!

And your last statement is so true. Sometimes it takes more than one "leg up" to get over a hard spot.

 

[shellabell]

Normally if I have the money I will give it. I figure what they do with it is between them and God. However, the other day I was paying at Subway and a man approached me and asked for money. I told him I had no cash but he was persistent. I looked in my purse and had about five pennies which I gave to him. Normally I would have asked if I could buy him something, but for some reason I just didn't. He then kind of bumped me and said "ain't you gonna buy me anything". I just stood there, but then the Subway employee told him that they couldn't have him bothering the customers. Part of me felt like I should have offered, but the other part was upset that he was so aggressive.