How to take care of an overworked DH, thanks

[sookie]

I have reread the OP's posts. I am sure the OP thinks her hubby has hung the moon and the company couldn't possibly function without him, but that is surely unlikely. I know the OP is very frustrated by his hours but I have serious doubts that a $50K a year non degreed employee is really being requested to support a 3000 plus employee firm unassisted with respect to IT. This is an exec level position ($250K+ position) and there is no way that he is being put in such a position. I am sure he reports to a CIO (Chief Information Officer) and more likely through several supervisor positions above him. It may very well be that the hubby is not very good at time managment and is just doing in 80 hours what may take a "normal" degreed IT professional 45-55 hours.

In the past I have had employees who talk about "working all weekend" and then had them document their time to the hour and amazingly when I had them write it down they figured out that they were wasting tons of time and not really focusing. I also suggest that the OP ask his supervisor how much time each task should take and record the difference on his time log. Perhaps it is a supervisor issue.

Also the OP's hubby doesn't have a college degree and I am sure he is very smart, but there are things that college will never teach you, but also realize that a non-degreed IT guy CAN be easily replaced. Sure the new guy will have a learning curve but EVERYONE has a replacement. If hubby doesn't have the degree a very smart whipper snapper can come in and do what the hubby is doing in less time and probably with plenty of improvements.

i have been watching this thread. i know she has said that its not helpful to throw this out there - but is she SURE this is not just a cover for an affair? i would be afraid of an affair.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Agree! As I am a relatively young whipper snapper. I don't roll out of bed for less than six figures. Good help is hard to find! I am sure my current employer would be glad to ram some non degreed employee into the ground for $50-$75K and have them do plenty of menial work, realize that this person IS replaceable. I bring a lot to the table. Sure I can do the $50K job, but I also bring a lot more to the job that triples my salary. I beg the OP to not discount the value (especially in a tough economy) that a degree can bring.

Yeah, we totally don't underestimate the degree, and if life had been different he would have gotten one years ago. It isn't going to happen now, but he is really smart, it is something he'd like to do someday for sure if not only just to show himself he did it.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

i have been watching this thread. i know she has said that its not helpful to throw this out there - but is she SURE this is not just a cover for an affair? i would be afraid of an affair.

It wouldn't be a "Husband working late" question without at leat one person asking it. You are totally within your rights to believe what you'd like and totally within your rights to not believe me, so yeah, I am 100% positive, but if you haven't been convinced with all I've typed, it isn't worth explaning it anymore.

 

[prncess674]

Yeah, we totally don't underestimate the degree, and if life had been different he would have gotten one years ago. It isn't going to happen now, but he is really smart, it is something he'd like to do someday for sure if not only just to show himself he did it.

You are totally discounting the degree. In tough times the undegreed professional, when all else is equal is sure to go. Does your DH's current employer supply tuition reimbursement?

 

[hambirg]

I don't doubt that is true, but again, he won't rock the boat right now cause he doesn't see any new jobs on the horizon, if he did I am sure he would have said, I'm going home, see ya! The worst part is he can remote in so he could have still worked, I don't know if it was a power thing or what that day but it wasn't happening.

I understand. It seems a lot of employers are pushing the limits in this economy. They know there aren't many alternatives out there right now. It still doesn't make it right. . .or legal. The crappy company I work for now is always telling us that money is tight right now, but the owner just bought another company out of state. Hmmm? I guess in years past they have had Christmas parties, or the employees got turkeys, etc. This year we got a card that said, "Wishing you the gifts of the season." We all said. . .that's nice. . how about a gift? You know the old saying. . .They can't fire us. Slaves have to be sold.

 

[sookie]

It wouldn't be a "Husband working late" question without at leat one person asking it. You are totally within your rights to believe what you'd like and totally within your rights to not believe me, so yeah, I am 100% positive, but if you haven't been convinced with all I've typed, it isn't worth explaning it anymore.

I would just be worried about it, thats all. My husband has had a lot of late nights too, but I know (and have) showed up unexpectedly to visit or to drop off dinner or snacks or whatever - and he is there. we are lucky that those have tapered off (different field - education) but it just is worrisome. The demands seem to be over and above what even the MOST demanding job would demand. that is what raises the red flag.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

You are totally discounting the degree. In tough times the undegreed professional, when all else is equal is sure to go. Does your DH's current employer supply tuition reimbursement?

I think you misunderstood what I said. We know the value of a degree, now ore then ever, but there is no way for him to get one now with the hours he's pullihng. And no, they don't pay for an classes. The ones he has taken he has paid for.

 

[sookie]

HEHE, you are totally right. I do think my hubby hing the moon, but for me only. But I really don't care if you believe me or not, nor do I care what y outhink of him time management. Make no difference to me. I was looking for advise on helping my DH. And as I said before the company did run fine before he was there, course it is much larger then when he started, but I am quite sure they could replace him, if I didn't think so or if he didn't he wouldn't be worried about losing the job, would he? And my DH is only below 4 people at the company, one of which he doesn't report to, on who is his boss and th 2 owners. The "boss" is a workaholic so DH's hours are nothing he's not familiar with and the owners are who call him for personal tech help after hours, so who do you turn to? NAd while yeah, a new person could come and do his job for less money, who in their right mind would? As for better, I dount it, but I do believe he hung the moon too.



He has a FB from his 20 year reunion last year. It was how they coordinated it. He isn't on there much (I would know, I am addicted to FB I am embarassed to say.) And as I said before it isn't always like this, there are better times but lately has gotten really bad. Anwya, he doesn't go onto FB, I am not sure if you know how the app on the Droid works (I don't get all that stuff) but it has GPS and when he gets to work he hits one button to report where he is. I have seen him do it, it takes just a second. So it isn't like he's logging into and chatting IN FB which is why he's prob ably comfortable having the boss' son on his page, He isn't sitting there commening, checking updates and paying games all day, he's doing it to kind of let the son (who will eventually be taking over) see the hours he's working.

advice? he quits the unreasonable job. he's working for less than minimum wage. its slave labor. he cites poor working environment and applies for unemployment and new jobs.
and i'm sorry but - are you kidding me with the FB explanation?! are you really, really this naive? please say no. treat yourself better than this.
that is the biggest crock i have ever heard re: checking in with the bosses son on FACEBOOK! keep a timecard. thats what professional people do!

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I would just be worried about it, thats all. My husband has had a lot of late nights too, but I know (and have) showed up unexpectedly to visit or to drop off dinner or snacks or whatever - and he is there. we are lucky that those have tapered off (different field - education) but it just is worrisome. The demands seem to be over and above what even the MOST demanding job would demand. that is what raises the red flag.

I am not worried but thanks for your concern.

 

[sk!mom]

Again, I can't see it happeneing right now anyway. But it isn't not every going to happen, just not right now. I'd have to make the kids give up their activities and he would be crushed by that. He was allowed to do nothing as a kid and loves all that the kids are involved in. And while I agree it is really stressful for one person to be financially responsible for a family, me being home means a lot to him (and me) but I'd do it if I thought it would help. Again, this isn't about money it's about time. If I were gone for work or school we'd have less and while it would be temporary, our kids are going to be gone bfore too long, we want what time we can to be all of us, so while I agree, it just doesn't fit us right now.

Ok, now you seem to be making excuses and shooting down every suggestion raised. If you just want to vent then fine but if you really want things to change then you have to take action.

Your kids are all in school, right? How would you starting to take some classes while they're at school cause them to have to drop all activities. I'm a working mom and my kids have always been involved in as many activities as they wanted. I'm not a mom that makes them choose one or anything. Granted I chose to go back to school and get teaching certification so that my schedule would match there's as closely as possible. Sometimes we conflict but since my getting a job freed my DH to seek a more flexible less stressful job, he picks up the slack and loves that he can be more involved.

I'm not saying get a job now. Get training now so that by the time your oldest is in college and your younger two are in middle and high school you'll be able to ease his burdens. Give him a chance to become addicted to FB and spend time with his kids.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I am not worried but thanks for your concern.

Sorry, had to quote myself. I was tying when my DD15 walked in to tell me it was pouring, she was heading out to walk DD11 to her friend's house down the street, so I tyoed quick to driver her. I didn't mean it harsh as it may have sounded, I just meant that I am not worried.

 

[sookie]

Ok, now you seem to be making excuses and shooting down every suggestion raised. If you just want to vent then fine but if you really want things to change then you have to take action.

Your kids are all in school, right? How would you starting to take some classes while they're at school cause them to have to drop all activities. I'm a working mom and my kids have always been involved in as many activities as they wanted. I'm not a mom that makes them choose one or anything. Granted I chose to go back to school and get teaching certification so that my schedule would match there's as closely as possible. Sometimes we conflict but since my getting a job freed my DH to seek a more flexible less stressful job, he picks up the slack and loves that he can be more involved.

I'm not saying get a job now. Get training now so that by the time your oldest is in college and your younger two are in middle and high school you'll be able to ease his burdens. Give him a chance to become addicted to FB and spend time with his kids.

smart woman! this seems like good advice. if you want to go back to school or work, there are ways to do it!

 

[sookie]

Sorry, had to quote myself. I was tying when my DD15 walked in to tell me it was pouring, she was heading out to walk DD11 to her friend's house down the street, so I tyoed quick to driver her. I didn't mean it harsh as it may have sounded, I just meant that I am not worried.

thats ok. the big thing is that if all of this is true, he needs to find another job ASAP so you guys can actually have a quality of life. it doesn't matter if the kids are able to do everything if dad is never there. they want time with him - not activities and things. heck, let him go be a greeter at walmart! because then he can have family time.
seriously though, help him look for other opportunities. this sounds like a crazy workplace that he (and his family) shouldn't be subjected to. if he can't even take a vacation - there is a problem!

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

advice? he quits the unreasonable job. he's working for less than minimum wage. its slave labor. he cites poor working environment and applies for unemployment and new jobs.
and i'm sorry but - are you kidding me with the FB explanation?! are you really, really this naive? please say no. treat yourself better than this.
that is the biggest crock i have ever heard re: checking in with the bosses son on FACEBOOK! keep a timecard. thats what professional people do!

Thanks for the advise.

Ok, now you seem to be making excuses and shooting down every suggestion raised. If you just want to vent then fine but if you really want things to change then you have to take action.

Your kids are all in school, right? How would you starting to take some classes while they're at school cause them to have to drop all activities. I'm a working mom and my kids have always been involved in as many activities as they wanted. I'm not a mom that makes them choose one or anything. Granted I chose to go back to school and get teaching certification so that my schedule would match there's as closely as possible. Sometimes we conflict but since my getting a job freed my DH to seek a more flexible less stressful job, he picks up the slack and loves that he can be more involved.

I'm not saying get a job now. Get training now so that by the time your oldest is in college and your younger two are in middle and high school you'll be able to ease his burdens. Give him a chance to become addicted to FB and spend time with his kids.

Yes, you are probably right. But I believe I am taking the advise that I think works for me and others I have said why I have trouble with it. I don't doubt kids can do activities when the parents are both working (or of course single parents.) I am sorry if yo uor anyone thought I was ignoring the advise, I was asking for it and will give all of it thought weather you believe that or not.

So thanks for what you, all of you have offered. I guess I was a little venting too. I don't want to cause him more stress and I don't have family to turn to so sometimes I look to these boards in a way someone would ask their sister or something.

Oh, and yeah, I said addicted, that is true, it is the first thing I do in the morning after DH leaves and usually the last thing I do at night, but I don't play the games, I just connect with all our friends back home. So while I am addicted cause it brings me back to the people back home, I am not addicted as in spending hours on it all day and I din't play gomes on it. I understand those are addictive and I am sure if I stared I would waste a lot of time that I don't want to.

 

[seashoreCM]

How much is everyone else in the company working? DH should more or less keep pace with others should not have to do more than the others.

If hours are really unreasonable maybe letting himself drowse off at his desk occasionally may pep him up for later in the afternoon.

Also doing the normal run an errand during lunch hour but not hustling and then eating lunch at his desk upon return.

And every once in awhile (not often) announce and take a day (preferably a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday) off outright.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

How much is everyone else in the company working? DH should more or less keep pace with others should not have to do more than the others.

If hours are really unreasonable maybe letting himself drowse off at his desk occasionally may pep him up for later in the afternoon.

Also doing the normal run an errand during lunch hour but then eating lunch at his desk upon return.

The answer would be varied, that he is not at all alone in long hours for some of the employees, depending on their position, but none are pulling the hours he is but I am sure if they needed to they would be asked to though I can't say for sure.

 

[Suellen]

Well..... wow.

My husband is not college educated and to be honest if he left his job it would be a big deal. Would they be able to replace him? Maybe. Maybe not. Right now he is the country's leading expert in what he does so my guess is maybe not.

Though my husband leaves nightly after tucking me and the girls into bed to head back to work where he stays until 4:30AM ~ it has NEVER, EVER once occurred to me that he may be cheating. I guess we are just really secure in our marriage. I KNOW he would rather be home with us and dreads leaving the house. I can't imagine he would think if showed up to "check up on him".

I would never, never, never recommend calling his boss. Though the owner of DH's company flew in to take us out to dinner and apologized for how much he is away from us. They bought me my Canon Rebel XTi plus extra lens for him having to leave vacation early, and have sent flowers to the house. So I know they know.

All you can do is appreciate him, encourage him and try to make home time as meaningful and peaceful as possible. At least that is what we do.

 

[bumbershoot]

And sometimes it isn't even work stuff, it's fixing the boss' wife's computer or teaching him how to use his new phone or helping hism write a speech when he gets an award, or even replacing the ink in their printer (this happened on Mother's Day and meant driving to the opposite side of town to replace ink!)

See what I mean? Taking advantage.

Yuck. Man, the things that smaller businesses get to do! (not small, 3K employees isn't small, but it's smallER than some of the places where DH has worked)

I know some would say all the more reason, but last year when I took my job it was more trouble then it was worth. Like when DD8 got sick and had to stay home from school and I couldn't find a sub DH asked for a half day vacation to be with her and the boss said to have his stay at home wife stay at home. I wound up having to pull our oldest out of high school for the afternoon to watch her sister.

DH had one BAD boss that said something like that about me. Our reactions were not pretty. Talk about an assumption, that he never ever has to do anything just because I am here. I mean, YES my husband can do what he does because I'm here...but it's a *perk*, not something to be exploited.

Having ONE IT employee with a company of over 3,000 is frankly VERY irresponsible on the part of the employer. Ever if there only 1,500 users on the network - that is FAR too much for one person to handle.

I do agree with this.

What if something happened to him? What if one day he just couldn't come in for an extended period of time? If they can't have one restaurant's stuff down for an hour...what would they do if he simply could not be there?

They NEED to have at least one more person, even if it's an intern. It's ridiculous.

I know the OP is very frustrated by his hours but I have serious doubts that a $50K a year non degreed employee is really being requested to support a 3000 plus employee firm unassisted with respect to IT. This is an exec level position ($250K+ position) and there is no way that he is being put in such a position. I am sure he reports to a CIO (Chief Information Officer) and more likely through several supervisor positions above him. It may very well be that the hubby is not very good at time managment and is just doing in 80 hours what may take a "normal" degreed IT professional 45-55 hours.

I think you need to take note of where YOU live vs where the OP lives, and take a step back on that. Your area has high salaries and very high expectations and lots of competition. Not totally sure about Rochester, but I'm sure it's different from DC. I lived there for awhile, and the stress oozed off of all the young professionals crowding the bars there, LOL...highly paid, highly stressed.

You are totally discounting the degree. In tough times the undegreed professional, when all else is equal is sure to go. Does your DH's current employer supply tuition reimbursement?

How on earth is she discounting a degree? She knows it would be valuable. When do you want him to take those classes? Truly, when and where? 'cuz DH would love to finish his degree as well, but we just can't figure out where he'd take the classes, when he would, and when he'd study.

thats ok. the big thing is that if all of this is true, he needs to find another job ASAP so you guys can actually have a quality of life. it doesn't matter if the kids are able to do everything if dad is never there. they want time with him - not activities and things. heck, let him go be a greeter at walmart! because then he can have family time.
seriously though, help him look for other opportunities. this sounds like a crazy workplace that he (and his family) shouldn't be subjected to. if he can't even take a vacation - there is a problem!

She has said that he does look for other jobs, and he doesn't find anything. And they go on vacation, but he feels he needs to take his devices.



OP, don't let your hubby's feelings about the lack of degree get him down too much. It's not insurmountable, as he can tell. Every employer my husband has worked for *said* "4 year degree", but they were totally willing to look beyond that and see experience. Maybe that's a Seattle thing, not sure, but it hasn't stopped him from getting jobs (he's not had a true IT job, but he sort of orbits it, LOL).

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Well..... wow.

My husband is not college educated and to be honest if he left his job it would be a big deal. Would they be able to replace him? Maybe. Maybe not. Right now he is the country's leading expert in what he does so my guess is maybe not.

Though my husband leaves nightly after tucking me and the girls into bed to head back to work where he stays until 4:30AM ~ it has NEVER, EVER once occurred to me that he may be cheating. I guess we are just really secure in our marriage. I KNOW he would rather be home with us and dreads leaving the house. I can't imagine he would think if showed up to "check up on him".

I would never, never, never recommend calling his boss. Though the owner of DH's company flew in to take us out to dinner and apologized for how much he is away from us. They bought me my Canon Rebel XTi plus extra lens for him having to leave vacation early, and have sent flowers to the house. So I know they know.

All you can do is appreciate him, encourage him and try to make home time as meaningful and peaceful as possible. At least that is what we do.

Thanks, I think you get me and I felt that on page 1, so thank you. I truly do know he'd rather be here with us too which is why he often works after being with us, and I don't have any worries that he's with someone else. And I have never gone up and surprised him to check on him either, just gone to take him some coffee made at home (so much better then the office stuff) or just to make sure he's alright. One night I could reach him for a long time. I saw his best friend at work on FB and asked him if he had hearda nything, he ahd not. He was worried too so I rushed up there turned out he was in the server room all night and had left his phone on his desk and didn't realize. He enver does that. He wasn't upset, he laughed a bit and in fact he was thankful to remind him to grab his phone, and said he was pretty lucky to have someone worry enough to run up there at like 11 at night.

Again, thanks, your words are comforting to let me kow I am not alone.

II am going togo for a while, so I am not ignoring anyway, but DD11 is at a sleepover and DD15 is turning in after a weekend of sleepovers so DD8 and I are going to play a game just the 2 of us.

 

[lovemygoofy]

OP, I think you should talk to your husband about your concerns. Not vent and complain that he isn't here and that your children miss or him or whatever. You need to talk to him about his health and being at the beck and call for personal IT that has nothing to do with business.

Talk to him and tell him your feelings. Not in an ugly manner but in a matter of fact this is how it's been for the last several months. Heck, if you have managed a vacation though, feel lucky. I'm quite jealous.

One suggestion I have for your husband is if he really has all these hours of works and all these projects that need more IT help, he needs to document everything. I would suggest he document every hour, every minute on the phone at home and every time he is in the car going on personal calls. At the end of the month submit a well written very detailed proposal asking for exactly what he needs whether it be a part time or a weekender or whatever to help with the workload.

OP, I completely understand about your worries. Both my husband and I work alot of hours and some weeks when we are 60 workhours into the week, it dawns on one of us that we haven't had conversation besdies goodnight or good morning. We have planned and canceled 3 vacations this year and chances of us going anywhere before years up is slim to none. I get the stress it puts on a family, the entire family.

Sit down and tell your husband everything you are feeling without complaint. Sometimes it takes a nice sit down to open the eyes of the other person. If nothing else, just remember that nothing is forever and that the pace will slow down ya'll just have to get through it.