How to take care of an overworked DH, thanks

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Thank to everyone for the good advise. I have saved this thread in word to reference. I think the thread has served as a help but no more is needed. And thank you for the final post, we have put a call in to find out when his last physical was to see if one will be covered by our insurance company (only one every 3 years is covered.)

 

[semo233]

"They" say that an employee will do more and work harder if they feel appreciated. Make sure that you express your appreciation to him. Tell him you know how hard he is working and that you thank him for providing for your family and allowing at least one parent to be around a lot.
If you are doing everything you can to make sure he sees his kids (even when he's at work), he hears you telling the kids how great a dad he is and how hard he works, and you are showing him appreciation, ask him if you can help him through this difficult time. Does he feel there anything you could be doing that you are not?

 

[richmond282]

Wow! I wish I had some great advice for you. It sounds like you are a very supportive wife already. I'm really not sure what else you can do other than what you are doing. I would just try to focus on making sure your DH is eating healthy and exercising when you can. Hopefully some other people will have some really good ideas for you.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

I don't think there's much more you can do for your DH. But you've said there aren't jobs in your area, what about relocating? Or do you have any special skills or a degree where you could work and he could be a SAHD, even temporarily while he looks for another job?

Does HE enjoy his job?

 

[TomAndLori]

Hopefully he loves his job. I could not see working that much without loving it.

Sounds like he is in IT. I go through periods in my job where I work that much. I could not do that all the time, but it happens once or twice a year where it is required to get a project done.

Oh...and as long as he does not have to worry about the family, you are helping him the best you can. A few years ago I almost had a nervous breakdown because I was working that much and had a bunch of stuff happening outside of work too. So making sure work is all he has to worry about while he is going through this is the best you can do.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

"They" say that an employee will do more and work harder if they feel appreciated. Make sure that you express your appreciation to him. Tell him you know how hard he is working and that you thank him for providing for your family and allowing at least one parent to be around a lot.
If you are doing everything you can to make sure he sees his kids (even when he's at work), he hears you telling the kids how great a dad he is and how hard he works, and you are showing him appreciation, ask him if you can help him through this difficult time. Does he feel there anything you could be doing that you are not?

No, he always says how luck he is to have me at home. I took a P/T job last year but it was not a good fit with his hours so I was going to not accept if it was offered again this year, it was not so it wound up working out for the best.

Wow! I wish I had some great advice for you. It sounds like you are a very supportive wife already. I'm really not sure what else you can do other than what you are doing. I would just try to focus on making sure your DH is eating healthy and exercising when you can. Hopefully some other people will have some really good ideas for you.

He hasn't gotten to go to the gym in a while, but we are walking, so that is something. And I do cook 95% of the time so his diet is for the most part really good. I'd be lying though if I said it wasn't messing with his weight though.

I don't think there's much more you can do for your DH. But you've said there aren't jobs in your area, what about relocating? Or do you have any special skills or a degree where you could work and he could be a SAHD, even temporarily while he looks for another job?

Does HE enjoy his job?

Actually he loves his job, he loves the people and even the bosses, but it is just really too much work for 1 person but there is no change in sight for that. And as for relocating, we'd move if he didn't have a job, but with our oldest graduating in 2 years, unless it was really, really necessary I don't think that's an option. And no, I have no skills nor degree, I married at 17 and never went to college. Last year my job was a minimum wage P/T job.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Hopefully he loves his job. I could not see working that much without loving it.

Sounds like he is in IT. I go through periods in my job where I work that much. I could not do that all the time, but it happens once or twice a year where it is required to get a project done.

Oh...and as long as he does not have to worry about the family, you are helping him the best you can. A few years ago I almost had a nervous breakdown because I was working that much and had a bunch of stuff happening outside of work too. So making sure work is all he has to worry about while he is going through this is the best you can do.

Yep, IT. He is the only IT person for a company of over 3000 employees (many part time, but still a lot of work.) You are right, some times aren't as bad as they have been, but they are never 40 hour work weeks. Unfortunatly he's really smart so anything that someone can't do, computer related or otherwise, they turn to him.

 

[flakypuff]

First
Been there...it is hard for EVERYONE. Lets face it you are also working overtime. The kids I am sure miss Dad.
He sounds like a wonderful man. You and your family are very lucky to have each other. That is just what you should also tell me when the both of you can sit down and have a talk...Can you see where I am going with this?

There has to be a point when..:How much is enough? How much do you need?

I understand he doesnt want to speak up to his boss. Is this something that is only temp?

If you sit with him and tell him all that you have written and expressed <that he talks to his boss while he can?>

Yes, this is bad for his health. Maybe his Dr. needs to tell him that too.

Mostly, he is working so hard for his family. I am sure he wants to be here to see his family grow...maybe that is something you need to remind him of.

Good luck. I also have a wonderful very hard working husband. I have had the talk mentioned above..a few times.

 

[TomAndLori]

Yep, IT. He is the only IT person for a company of over 3000 employees (many part time, but still a lot of work.) You are right, some times aren't as bad as they have been, but they are never 40 hour work weeks. Unfortunatly he's really smart so anything that someone can't do, computer related or otherwise, they turn to him.

The Company has probably grown enough to where they need to hire or train another person, but they won't do it until your husband forces the issue or he does not get everything done that they want done. IT people are expensive and are typically seen as expense, so companies do not like hiring FTE's.

 

[mrsklamc]

Not PC but I firmly believe it's true because it makes a huge difference in
My DH when he's overworked- you know how they say men only want one thing? That.

Also, thank him regularly.

 

[donac]

I wish I had something good to say. Ds came home last week and said his job may be going 7 days a week and he will be required to be there.

I just wish some employers would take a look at what this is doing to the workers and their families.

YOu sound like you are doing everything you can to make life at home easier for your dh. You also need to take care of yourself.

Good luck

 

[lucigo]

It sounds like you are doing everything you can do. If he loves his job then his quality of life is probably pretty good. If he is miserable I would do everything possible to help him see an end in sight.

You said you don't complain. Does he? Communication is very important, ask him what he needs.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Before I respond I want to thank everyone, you are all being really nice and supportive. My real life friends seem to go between "are you sure he's really working?" nudge, nuge, wink, wink... to maybe he is away cause he wants to be to tell him to quit, none of which are true or helpful, so I appreciate all the good thoughts and words. Thank You.

First
Been there...it is hard for EVERYONE. Lets face it you are also working overtime. The kids I am sure miss Dad.
He sounds like a wonderful man. You and your family are very lucky to have each other. That is just what you should also tell me when the both of you can sit down and have a talk...Can you see where I am going with this? Yes, we are very blessed, we have been toghter for more then half my life and I have seen the man who he has become and while I never doubtes him, he's become even more then I could have dreamed of. We do talk about it all the time, when I said I didn't compain I shoud have said we talk, but I am not doing it in a nagging way.

There has to be a point when..:How much is enough? How much do you need? Well, I would agree if we were living the high life, but we are a middle class family, not a lot of extras, his salary is good, but our life is managed very much on a budget. And honestly it isn't even about a pycut at this point, it's about the security and right now that is so important. He knows that the owner adore him (though they have a weird way of showing it) and they tell him all the time so the piece of mind in this economy is very reassuring to him.

I understand he doesnt want to speak up to his boss. Is this something that is only temp? He has in the past mentioned that it would be good if they could get someone in there part time but he has been shot down saying he's doing fine without. It's almost like he's being punished for doing a great job and working his tail off.

If you sit with him and tell him all that you have written and expressed <that he talks to his boss while he can?> Nothing I wrote here we haven't spoken about, I just speak in a "I'm worried about you" way and not a "we never see you, it isn't fair" way.

Yes, this is bad for his health. Maybe his Dr. needs to tell him that too. Yes, it is, and that is the hardest part. Even his boss told him they should work out together, but everytime they go to he has to work, you'd think he
'd catch on that he needs the break but his buisness comes first.

Mostly, he is working so hard for his family. I am sure he wants to be here to see his family grow...maybe that is something you need to remind him of. Well, he is good and being there, like I said he's never missed a dance recital, softball, volleyball or soccer game, you name it he's there but that means he'll go back to work once the kids are in bed. We;ll often pack up dinner and go eat in the conference room with him so we can play "high/low" at dinner and answer our question of the night as a family (thankfully his work is 3 miles from here.) The weekends lately are where he's starting to rethink things. I mean he was OK with working like crazy as long as the weekends were basically free or close to it, but all these weekends in a row are wearing on him.

Good luck. I also have a wonderful very hard working husband. I have had the talk mentioned above..a few times. Thank You!

The Company has probably grown enough to where they need to hire or train another person, but they won't do it until your husband forces the issue or he does not get everything done that they want done. IT people are expensive and are typically seen as expense, so companies do not like hiring FTE's. Uggg, see that is my thinking, he has asked for a P/T assistant but they won't. And I agree he shoudln't get it all done and they would be forced to but he's A- not that type. He feels he has a job to do and he needs to do it and B-he worries that they feel the way they do about him cause he does get it all done. Honestly I think in a different time he'd have left but we don't live in a time where you can leave so easily anymore.

Not PC but I firmly believe it's true because it makes a huge difference in
My DH when he's overworked- you know how they say men only want one thing? That. I got ya, and we are good there. It's a stress releiver you know.

Also, thank him regularly. And I do, and I remind the kids to as well, we both had absent fathers so the kids have learned how blessed they are over the years by seeing what they have and hearing what DH and I didn't have.

I wish I had something good to say. Ds came home last week and said his job may be going 7 days a week and he will be required to be there. Uggg, I am sorry.

I just wish some employers would take a look at what this is doing to the workers and their families. Maybe that is part of my issue. I agree, but it isn't every company, thankfully. My DH's former employer was all about family. They had once a month family get togehters, and fun ones, so fun that we often added more in the summer cause it was so fun. They also did once in a while date nights where the company would pay for all the adults too go out, they would rent a park pavilion and cook out or whatever and play games and stuff. If your kids had an appointment, you went, no questions asked, as long as you were not taking advantage of it. It was a great enviroment and it spoiled us. The company merged with another out of state and thye had a full IT dept so DH was not offered the movie. Back then the kids were young and we might have taken it, however he found from his friends who left that the family freindly enviroment wasn't there.

YOu sound like you are doing everything you can to make life at home easier for your dh. You also need to take care of yourself. I'm OK, but I get what y ouare saying and yo uare right.

Good luck Thank You!

It sounds like you are doing everything you can do. If he loves his job then his quality of life is probably pretty good. If he is miserable I would do everything possible to help him see an end in sight. I wouldn't say he loves it, he likes it and likes the people and all, but at the end of the day it's a job, he works to live not lives to work. He is miserable right now, he says the end is near, by mid September we should start getting back to "normal" hours.

You said you don't complain. Does he? Communication is very important, ask him what he needs. I don't compain, like I said above in a nagging way. Like last month ws my b-day. He wrked from 3am till after midnight, he did call me and ask me if I could bring hi something he had forgotten and I went up there with the kids and he had gotten me an ice cream cake and had my present. So how do you compain to that? My one friend was like "I can't believe you didn't get something from him for that." I was like, get, he while working almost 24 hour straight thought enough to have me come there for a little party. So no, in that way I don't complain. Like I said, that isn't worth the breath, if he had a choice he'd be with us. As for him complaining, yeah, a bit. More it's venting. Like when he finally gets to sleep and the phone rings and after he's done dealing with the issue and hangs up he pretends he's still talking and what he'd like to say. Moslty it makes us laugh, he's unbelievable funny and his way to deal is to make jokes. Honestly I think it helps cause he's not a poor me type he makes jokes.
I do ask what he needs and I am there to do ithe usually says just take good care of my girls, and he always says I don't need to worry about him. But I do, it's my nature and I really adore him.

 

[bumbershoot]

The Company has probably grown enough to where they need to hire or train another person, but they won't do it until your husband forces the issue or he does not get everything done that they want done. IT people are expensive and are typically seen as expense, so companies do not like hiring FTE's.

Absolutely.

Being in IT means working long hours, and working until things are done. It's part and parcel of the job. So even if they do get someone else it's not like it'll be a 9-5 job, but it could take some of the pressure off.


"but he has looked, there isn't much out there at all let alone with the security he has at his job. "

If he's worried that he'll lose his job if he talks to them about getting someone else...he doesn't have much security, IMO.


I would hope that he keeps "feelers" out there for other jobs. Though I imagine it's hard when he's been at a job for years. DH has moved around a lot job-wise, so he's always being contacted by headhunters who got his resume from monster.com the *last* time he was looking (he takes resumes down once he starts a new job)...can't do that once you've been working at a place for long enough, though!


The one thing that I think might help him? Would be asking him to do those jobs that you can't do. I assume they are jobs for taller/stronger etc, and by asking him to do those, you'd make sure that he knows that you know that he's a big strong guy who CAN do those things. We rent so there's not a lot of household manly jobs for DH, but when he gets to work on the car, even if he has to eke out the time for it, he feels VERY good about himself. So don't let those manly jobs just sit...ask him to do some of them (no pressure, just one at a time, of course), it might make him feel even happier.

Other than that, I think you're doing well.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Absolutely.

Being in IT means working long hours, and working until things are done. It's part and parcel of the job. So even if they do get someone else it's not like it'll be a 9-5 job, but it could take some of the pressure off. He's been in IT since he got out of the Army, which is what he was in when we got married, so I am used to him never having a 9-5 for sure. But a helper other then me (who knows nothing about computers) would make a huge difference at least at these buys times, unfortunatly contractors get paid a lot so they won't even consider it.


"but he has looked, there isn't much out there at all let alone with the security he has at his job. "

If he's worried that he'll lose his job if he talks to them about getting someone else...he doesn't have much security, IMO. I can see what you are saying but let me try to explain. His bosses say they couldn't run the company without him (though they did for many, many years before he got there.) Howver the reason they love him is cause he works his tail off, if he said one day I just can't do it he's afraid their opinions of himm would change and he could very wel be replaced, it isn't like there aren't many IT proffessionals looking for work. So, while I get your point, I also get what he means. He is secure because of waht he's giving, if he takes it away the security might just go with it.


I would hope that he keeps "feelers" out there for other jobs. Though I imagine it's hard when he's been at a job for years. DH has moved around a lot job-wise, so he's always being contacted by headhunters who got his resume from monster.com the *last* time he was looking (he takes resumes down once he starts a new job)...can't do that once you've been working at a place for long enough, though! That is part of it, he's been there 8 years, kind of unheard of for him, other then 8 years in the Army, it was the longest job he's had. He used to bounce around a lot more. He is always looking but so far nothing in a management position.


The one thing that I think might help him? Would be asking him to do those jobs that you can't do. I assume they are jobs for taller/stronger etc, and by asking him to do those, you'd make sure that he knows that you know that he's a big strong guy who CAN do those things. We rent so there's not a lot of household manly jobs for DH, but when he gets to work on the car, even if he has to eke out the time for it, he feels VERY good about himself. So don't let those manly jobs just sit...ask him to do some of them (no pressure, just one at a time, of course), it might make him feel even happier. Not a bad idea. We just try to do all we can here (DD15 cuts the grass, the other 2 and I do things around the yard and weeding and trash and well, everything.) I guess it's just that we get so little time with him that we don't want to spend it watching him work. But I do see your point.


Other than that, I think you're doing well.

Again, thanks for the tips, I will be giving them thought.

 

[superme80]

This sounds like my husbands job. Is there a way he can schedule at least a partial day off? Can he talk to his boss and let him know that he needs say every Saturday from 1-4 pm off for family time? Also is he hourly or salary? That can make a huge difference. My husband is hourly and he was able to show that with all the overtime he was putting in they could pretty much higher someone on full time at a lower rate. Thankfully his company finally did, but it took about a year. Good luck!

 

[hambirg]

I can sooo relate. I'm a single mom, and I was a SAHM for 10yrs. When I had to get back into the job market there wasn't much. I normally work 60+ hours a week. It's just too much! I'm never home, and when I am, I'm completely exhausted. The employer doesn't care. Period. I worry about my health a lot. I see the other employees that have been there longer. . .and it's not pretty. I'm home now. I got hurt on the job (no big surprise there). There were five of us that got hurt in the same month. I don't know what the answers are for you. He's lucky that he has you as a partner keeping the home front running. Don't make him feel guilty. If he's working so much and feeling exhausted, be understanding of that. I firmly believe that sleep deprivation can be dangerous. . .make sure he's getting enough. I would suggest that he still keeps looking for another job. . .help facilitate that for him. Has he tried with any of the local schools? I have as friend that works IT for the local school district and her hours seem to be reasonable. One more thing. . .consider going back to school. Even if it's not a traditional degree program. . .maybe get a CNA or a cosmetology license. . .idk. . whatever interests you. You will be better off for it, and eventually that will take some of the pressure of your DH. And not to be all doom and gloomy, but you need to think about if something ever happened to him how you would support your kids. HTH

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

No, he is salary. This wouldn't be an issue if he was hourly. He'd be making double what he was making now and so yeah, they'd just hire someone else.

And it's nice in theroy to say he needs ___oclock to ___- oclock off, but wihtout giving away too much information, his company offices are 8-5 M-F, but they own restaurants that run 24/7 so if a computer goes down, it needs to be serviced, no way around that. We've dealt with that for 8 years, so it's fine, I guess it's all the new stuff that is being added that has me bothered. And sometimes it isn't even work stuff, it's fixing the boss' wife's computer or teaching him how to use his new phone or helping hism write a speech when he gets an award, or even replacing the ink in their printer (this happened on Mother's Day and meant driving to the opposite side of town to replace ink!)

See what I mean? Taking advantage.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I can sooo relate. I'm a single mom, and I was a SAHM for 10yrs. When I had to get back into the job market there wasn't much. I normally work 60+ hours a week. It's just too much! I'm never home, and when I am, I'm completely exhausted. The employer doesn't care. Period. I worry about my health a lot. I see the other employees that have been there longer. . .and it's not pretty. I'm home now. I got hurt on the job (no big surprise there). There were five of us that got hurt in the same month. I don't know what the answers are for you. He's lucky that he has you as a partner keeping the home front running. Don't make him feel guilty. If he's working so much and feeling exhausted, be understanding of that. I firmly believe that sleep deprivation can be dangerous. . .make sure he's getting enough. I would suggest that he still keeps looking for another job. . .help facilitate that for him. Has he tried with any of the local schools? I have as friend that works IT for the local school district and her hours seem to be reasonable. One more thing. . .consider going back to school. Even if it's not a traditional degree program. . .maybe get a CNA or a cosmetology license. . .idk. . whatever interests you. You will be better off for it, and eventually that will take some of the pressure of your DH. And not to be all doom and gloomy, but you need to think about if something ever happened to him how you would support your kids. HTH

Uggg, sorry for you, as a single mom going though it I can't even imagine. And sorry you got hurt, hopefully nothing too serious and you will be better soon. Sleep is such an issue, like I said he's close enough that if he needs me to come get him if he's too tired it isn't far, but he has been known to fall asleep in his office mid day.
I do worry about what I'd do if something happened to him, we'd be good for some time because fo insurance but it wouldn't last forever. Unfortunatly there isn't the time for me to do it right now. I know some would say all the more reason, but last year when I took my job it was more trouble then it was worth. Like when DD8 got sick and had to stay home from school and I couldn't find a sub DH asked for a half day vacation to be with her and the boss said to have his stay at home wife stay at home. I wound up having to pull our oldest out of high school for the afternoon to watch her sister.

 

[csharpwv]

It sounds like your DH is so busy making a living - he hasn't had time to make a LIFE.

At any point in your life - when work and life cannot be separated - there is a serious problem.

This is a VERY out of the ordinary thing to do - but have you considered talking to your DH's direct supervisor? You can do it in a way that isn't complaining - and isn't disrespectful. But in a way that his Sup. knows that your DH's health and family life are being jeopardized by work literally - NON-STOP.

If your DH HAS to answer his phone when he is at home - and works 80 hour weeks, I certainly hope he is making $150,000+ a year. If not - he needs to think of a career or at least an employer change.

Having ONE IT employee with a company of over 3,000 is frankly VERY irresponsible on the part of the employer. Ever if there only 1,500 users on the network - that is FAR too much for one person to handle.

Your DH needs to discuss a few possibilities with his supervisor - College Interns, part time (non benefit eligible) employees, or recent college graduates seeking a 'MENTORnship'. I had several friends on college that were Information Systems majors that really had a tough time getting a job because they didn't have any 'Professional' references who could attest to their work ethic, knowledge level etc etc (aside from college professors who sometimes aren't favored references for employers.)

Your DH's company may SAY they appreciate him - but unless he is making an executive salary - and has an unbelievable amount of leave time banked - they really don't appreciate him much at all.

As far as what you can do - love him in every way you know how - and make sure that you keep him in touch with the kids - and then gently let him know that you miss him at home - and that you miss him!

My final piece of advice - you REALLY need to go on at least a 7 night Disney Cruise - where working - of any sort - is NOT at all an option. NO laptop - NO Phone - NO Internet - and the Blackberry is locked in the SAFE!