How to Start Canceling a Wedding?

[Principessa1284]

Not mine - I'm already married. My best friend has just about come to the decision to cancel her wedding (thank God!) that I'm supposed to be the maid of honor in. It's not that I particularly dislike the guy or anything, but she was constantly unhappy. It started with the smoking - they met at work, a bar where they were both bartenders. She always said she would never date a smoker, but he was just so sweet and she didn't want to let that stop her. Before they moved in together, he promised (unasked or provoked) to cut back because he knew how much it bothered her. Well since then, he'd actually increased his smoking. Anytime she tries to talk to him about it or how she could help, he storms out of the room and says that she has no idea how hard it is. It's not only hurting his health, it's hurting their finances as well. And then there's the drinking. At this point, he's probably a step or two below full-fledged alcoholic. She has been a bartender since college, and I knew he had a serious problem when SHE had to ask HIM to cut back.

These were the gateway to numerous other problems, but really the biggest problem is his lack of communication. He won't talk to her. She's spent the last year trying to mend things with him, talk their problems through, but then he just tries to avoid her. When she was getting ready to leave the relationship over the summer, he sensed it and proposed to her. It was actually a very, very sweet and creative proposal and she got swept up in it and said yes. He truly is very much in love with her. Well, after all the wedding plans were settled in, things got back to normal and their relationship really hit rock bottom. She told me she definitely doesn't love him - barely likes him at this point. He barely so much as kisses her, and they've been living together for about 2 years now, and have been sleeping in different rooms for a few months.

I've spent the last 2 months trying to get her to talk to him and cancel the wedding, and she's resisted, saying she'd rather go through with his and divorce him later than go through the embarrassment with her family and loss of all their deposits than cancel it. I finally think the line that got through to her, was that a divorce would be MUCH messier and more expensive than cancelling it ahead of time. Once she gets the guts to tell him she's calling it off, what do we need to do? Who do we call first? They had everything booked - a venue, caterer, DJ, officiant, everything. And how do we tell everyone? The wedding is scheduled for this coming June, so they hadn't sent out invites yet, but they did send out save-the-dates in October. Do we send something back out to everyone that says it's cancelled? Just go by word-of-mouth? And then, what do we say to minimize their embarrassment?

HELP!! She's 4 states and 12 hours away and I want to try and help anyway I can.

 

[LuLuO]

Since invitations haven't gone out, maybe just send a card out announcing that the wedding won't take place as scheduled or maybe her mom and/or you can call people for her.

 

[goofinoff]

Wow. What a difficult decision for your friend to make but it sounds like she made the right one.

If it were me, I would probably just start calling the caterer, venue etc. As far as letting family and friends know...since no formal invitation has gone out I would just tell who I wanted to and let the rest of the people know by word of mouth. If the invites had already gone out I would probably send some sort of card out to everyone simply stating that we regret to inform you that the wedding has been canceled.

Sorry she has to go through all of this but she won't regret it in the long run!!!

 

[lizabu]

If no invites went out I'd just leave it be and if anyone asked I'd let them know what happened and just start cancelling everything else. She may lose some deposits but she's losing way less than if she went through with it.

 

[n2dzny]

I did this very thing at the beginning of October. My fiancé & I got engaged last Christmas & went through the whole planning process. Six weeks before the wedding, I called it off. I was lucky that my family & friends fully supported my decision. There was embarrassment, but I mainly focused on the supportive ppl in my life.

As for the vendors, I called or e-mailed everyone. I know I wasn't the first person to call the wedding off (nor would I be the last) and the vendors had all dealt with that before. I was overwhelmed with the love & support that I had received. I hope your friend has the same experience.

You can PM me if I can help her, I would be glad to.

 

[Cheshire Figment]

Also, with six months still to go most cancellations will not be onerous.

More than likely the only places with cancellation fees might be the caterer and venue.

And even then if the venue rebooks, or the caterer gets something else for that day, more than likely the most that she might be out would be the loss of profit (not total income). But she needs to look at the contracts carefully.

 

[bumbershoot]

It ended up that we merely postponed our wedding, but at the moment that I contacted most of our vendors I didn't know that, so I've canceled one.


I started with the site, then went down in terms of who I liked best. Cake lady, photographer, florist...let our friend/minister know (though that was mainly b/c I thought he could talk sense into now-DH). We didn't have our band booked at that time.

Cake lady had a non-refundable deposit, BUT she let us use the money for a different cake. When we started planning again, we put down a new deposit. Site & flowers were refundable. Photographer was also non-refundable, but let me put the old deposit towards him again when we re-planned.


The vendors have seen it happen over and over again. And ours, at least, would rather be canceled on rather than find out it ended in divorce very quickly afterward.


Family was difficult to tell, but they, too, would rather deal with no wedding vs a divorce. With a divorce it's SO much more expensive, an you have the gifts to contend with, and then you have *been* married, which can be seen as "baggage" by people; different "baggage" than just having been engaged once.

The ONLY person that reacted weirdly was a friend that liked to think he had a crush on me. He also liked to psychoanalyze me. When I first called and left a message about the breakup, he didn't respond for at least a month. When he did respond, ready for tea and sympathy, I had to tell him that now-DH was in counseling to get his head on straight, that I was re-visiting my own previous counseling, and that we were working towards something better, and my friend just never got over how stupid he thought I was.

But that's the only problem I had! Everything else was decent.


Oh, wait...if bridesmaid dresses are ordered, that's probably going to be a nasty situation. Bridal shops are NOT kind about these things. In our case, ours actually was, giving me a credit of the deposit I had put down to hold the price on the dresses (I wasn't paying for the dresses but I was "holding" them). The credit was so big that I kept coming in and buying little things...bridal purse, little tiara thing, etc etc...and finally management got annoyed and stopped the practice altogether. I don't know if I was the first they did that for, but I was the last!

 

[PaulaSB12]

Not mine - I'm already married. My best friend has just about come to the decision to cancel her wedding (thank God!) that I'm supposed to be the maid of honor in. It's not that I particularly dislike the guy or anything, but she was constantly unhappy. It started with the smoking - they met at work, a bar where they were both bartenders. She always said she would never date a smoker, but he was just so sweet and she didn't want to let that stop her. Before they moved in together, he promised (unasked or provoked) to cut back because he knew how much it bothered her. Well since then, he'd actually increased his smoking. Anytime she tries to talk to him about it or how she could help, he storms out of the room and says that she has no idea how hard it is. It's not only hurting his health, it's hurting their finances as well. And then there's the drinking. At this point, he's probably a step or two below full-fledged alcoholic. She has been a bartender since college, and I knew he had a serious problem when SHE had to ask HIM to cut back.

These were the gateway to numerous other problems, but really the biggest problem is his lack of communication. He won't talk to her. She's spent the last year trying to mend things with him, talk their problems through, but then he just tries to avoid her. When she was getting ready to leave the relationship over the summer, he sensed it and proposed to her. It was actually a very, very sweet and creative proposal and she got swept up in it and said yes. He truly is very much in love with her. Well, after all the wedding plans were settled in, things got back to normal and their relationship really hit rock bottom. She told me she definitely doesn't love him - barely likes him at this point. He barely so much as kisses her, and they've been living together for about 2 years now, and have been sleeping in different rooms for a few months.

I've spent the last 2 months trying to get her to talk to him and cancel the wedding, and she's resisted, saying she'd rather go through with his and divorce him later than go through the embarrassment with her family and loss of all their deposits than cancel it. I finally think the line that got through to her, was that a divorce would be MUCH messier and more expensive than cancelling it ahead of time. Once she gets the guts to tell him she's calling it off, what do we need to do? Who do we call first? They had everything booked - a venue, caterer, DJ, officiant, everything. And how do we tell everyone? The wedding is scheduled for this coming June, so they hadn't sent out invites yet, but they did send out save-the-dates in October. Do we send something back out to everyone that says it's cancelled? Just go by word-of-mouth? And then, what do we say to minimize their embarrassment?

HELP!! She's 4 states and 12 hours away and I want to try and help anyway I can.

It sounds like ending it will be good for both her and him. It really looks like she was trying to "save" him with the drinking and smoking and he is the only one who can do that.

 

[Disneycrazymom]

If they are already living together there will be some things she will need to be prepared to deal with as soon as she and her finance make the decision to break up. Who keeps the house/apartment? Any joint accounts or joint credit card debt? Who gets the bedroom set? Stuff like that can be pretty overwhelming. You are a good friend to be there not just for the fun part of being a bridesmaid but this part too.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Not mine - I'm already married. My best friend has just about come to the decision to cancel her wedding (thank God!) that I'm supposed to be the maid of honor in. It's not that I particularly dislike the guy or anything, but she was constantly unhappy. It started with the smoking - they met at work, a bar where they were both bartenders. She always said she would never date a smoker, but he was just so sweet and she didn't want to let that stop her. Before they moved in together, he promised (unasked or provoked) to cut back because he knew how much it bothered her. Well since then, he'd actually increased his smoking. Anytime she tries to talk to him about it or how she could help, he storms out of the room and says that she has no idea how hard it is. It's not only hurting his health, it's hurting their finances as well. And then there's the drinking. At this point, he's probably a step or two below full-fledged alcoholic. She has been a bartender since college, and I knew he had a serious problem when SHE had to ask HIM to cut back.

These were the gateway to numerous other problems, but really the biggest problem is his lack of communication. He won't talk to her. She's spent the last year trying to mend things with him, talk their problems through, but then he just tries to avoid her. When she was getting ready to leave the relationship over the summer, he sensed it and proposed to her. It was actually a very, very sweet and creative proposal and she got swept up in it and said yes. He truly is very much in love with her. Well, after all the wedding plans were settled in, things got back to normal and their relationship really hit rock bottom. She told me she definitely doesn't love him - barely likes him at this point. He barely so much as kisses her, and they've been living together for about 2 years now, and have been sleeping in different rooms for a few months.

I've spent the last 2 months trying to get her to talk to him and cancel the wedding, and she's resisted, saying she'd rather go through with his and divorce him later than go through the embarrassment with her family and loss of all their deposits than cancel it. I finally think the line that got through to her, was that a divorce would be MUCH messier and more expensive than cancelling it ahead of time. Once she gets the guts to tell him she's calling it off, what do we need to do? Who do we call first? They had everything booked - a venue, caterer, DJ, officiant, everything. And how do we tell everyone? The wedding is scheduled for this coming June, so they hadn't sent out invites yet, but they did send out save-the-dates in October. Do we send something back out to everyone that says it's cancelled? Just go by word-of-mouth? And then, what do we say to minimize their embarrassment?

HELP!! She's 4 states and 12 hours away and I want to try and help anyway I can.

Wow where do i begin with this? She's unhappy cause he smokes, yet she knew this about him when they first met. Did she really think she could change him? You said she was supportive and he offered to quit on his own. If she truly loved him, this wouldnt be a strain on their relationship. If he likes to smoke and doesnt intend on quitting, maybe he changed his mind, then so be it. All you can do is support him minus the nagging (im not saying SHE was nagging, but thats usually what causes the other person to storm off). If the problems started cause of his smoking, then clearly she was in the relationship for all the wrong reasons. The best part for me is that she's ready to leave him but gets sucked back in because of the way he proposed...because it was a romantic and very creative proposal....and that was enough for her to change her mind? LMAO! WOW!!! Incredible!!!!!

Anyway, back to the issue. No doubt she'll lose a good chunk of money for backing out, but its best to do it now because a divorce would cost a heck of a lot more! I agree with the OP's above on who to call first...banquet hall/caterer, church, florist, photographer. As for the guests, i'd definitely send out a note indicating the wedding has been cancelled.

 

[Mama Who]

She should call all the vendors immediately. Anyone whose services might be used for a different event or a friend or family member, she can ask for her deposit to be rolled over. A florist who hasn't spent any money on her wedding yet may be willing to apply her deposit to someone else's event in order to make the rest of the money as well, for example.

She should get you or her mother a list of everyone who got a Save the Date card so discreet calls can be made.

 

[LuvLuvLuv]

Okay... here's my $0.02

If invitations haven't gone out---word of mouth will be fine. Family will spread the word, and one good facebook status can cover the rest. ((we did this since we moved ours from 11/5/12 with guests to 11/10/11 without any guests))

As far as deposits--yeah--that sucks... but not nearly as bad as what could happen down the line. Check to see if there's anything else you could do with the money? Birthday Party/Family Reunion venue/cake/catering, Photoshoot with your dog or family?? Just contact everyone and see what they can do. If she doesn't love him, there's no use in putting more money into this.

 

[tlbwriter]

Wow where do i begin with this? She's unhappy cause he smokes, yet she knew this about him when they first met. Did she really think she could change him? You said she was supportive and he offered to quit on his own. If she truly loved him, this wouldnt be a strain on their relationship. If he likes to smoke and doesnt intend on quitting, maybe he changed his mind, then so be it. All you can do is support him minus the nagging (im not saying SHE was nagging, but thats usually what causes the other person to storm off). If the problems started cause of his smoking, then clearly she was in the relationship for all the wrong reasons. The best part for me is that she's ready to leave him but gets sucked back in because of the way he proposed...because it was a romantic and very creative proposal....and that was enough for her to change her mind? LMAO! WOW!!! Incredible!!!!!

So, you're saying she should marry him, even though she "clearly was in the relationship for all the wrong reasons?" Sounds like she made some poor decisions in the past and wants to stop before she makes a very big one.

 

[Swan4Me]

She should call all the vendors immediately. Anyone whose services might be used for a different event or a friend or family member, she can ask for her deposit to be rolled over. A florist who hasn't spent any money on her wedding yet may be willing to apply her deposit to someone else's event in order to make the rest of the money as well, for example.

She should get you or her mother a list of everyone who got a Save the Date card so discreet calls can be made.

I bet only the venue has taken a deposit-its over 6 months away

 

[goofyintoronto]

So, you're saying she should marry him, even though she "clearly was in the relationship for all the wrong reasons?" Sounds like she made some poor decisions in the past and wants to stop before she makes a very big one.

Wow your totally missing the point. She should have bowed out a long time ago. Thats what i was saying. To let it get as far as accepting his marriage proposal simply because she liked the way he proposed? Thats odd. But yes, its a good thing she's smart enough to end it now before she walks down the aisle!

 

[Robinrs]

The first time it was just a matter for my parents, I think my Dad went to his GRAVE mad at me for that...

The second time I had a wedding planner. She took care of everything.

 

[leebee]

Please let out-of-state guests know ASAP. If people have to fly to get to the wedding, they might be buying plane tickets (or using frequent flyer miles for them) FAR in advance. I'd hate to think friends/family were stuck with non-refundable plane tickets to my wedding because I didn't let them know we'd cancelled!

 

[tlbwriter]

Wow your totally missing the point. She should have bowed out a long time ago. Thats what i was saying. To let it get as far as accepting his marriage proposal simply because she liked the way he proposed? Thats odd. But yes, its a good thing she's smart enough to end it now before she walks down the aisle!

Actually, I think you were the one missing the point. She made a mistake and wants to cancel an unwise wedding. And you're going on and on and on about how stupid it was for her to be in that position, and she must not really love him, and blah blah blah, and you know what? That is not the point. The point is that she realizes she should not marry him.

 

[castmemberb4]

You've gotten plenty advice about how to go about things.
If there are specific question you have please ask.

As for the embarassment of having to tell her family they just might be relieved as I found out mine were when I cancelled my wedding two months prior to the day. They had been very supportive of my decision but didn't think it was the right choice for me.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

Even if you call places to cancel, I'd make sure she puts it in writing for all of them just to be on the safe side. That's something you could help with. TYpe a short letter complete with the vendor name, her name, and the date. Then all she has to do is sign and mail.