How to prepare kids for relatives with differing lifestyles/values OP POSTS #94

[alex9179]

Alex--if you thought I was trying to say I was better than you, I am truly sorry. That was certainly not my intention. Maybe I shouldn't post so late at night if that is how i am coming off.

No offense taken, here. I figured you skimmed and missed the part that they were here together, since she was yelling at him (he wasn't intoxicated and didn't engage). If it had been just her, she would have been shown the guest room and the kids would have camped with mine.

I've had to read posts more than once, myself. Amazing how the perceived absence of a word or two changes the whole story!

 

[Lorelei Lee]

I did not mean to sound "holier than thou" ...

Interesting choice of words...

 

[Squidgyness]

So playing video games with violence is dangerous... I must be very dangerous then! I guess I can live with that

Live and let live and all that! I don't mind observing your foibles as long as you observe mine. Seems a fair enough deal to me.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

No, they were here together with their kids. Her DH drove, safely . The kids weren't present during our exchange, they were playing in my kids' rooms.

We've been friends for years and this had never happened before. My poor neighbors were so uncomfortable and she really did need to go home. One minute we're all laughing and the next she's slurring and swearing. Very strange evening.

My coworkers years back went to an after work party once hosted by a husband/wife who both worked with us (I skipped it). At some point in the night, the hosts - both rip snorting drunk - got into a knockdown, dragout fight eventually culminating in him pulling out a very large knife and threatening to kill her, and her screaming at him to just do it already. Nobody went to any of their parties after that

He was eventually fired for being drunk at work, and to be honest, we were all kind of relieved when he was killed in a car wreck. We were sure he'd show up one night to kill us all - and I was the one who answered the door after hours

 

[jodifla]

No, they were here together with their kids. Her DH drove, safely . The kids weren't present during our exchange, they were playing in my kids' rooms.

We've been friends for years and this had never happened before. My poor neighbors were so uncomfortable and she really did need to go home. One minute we're all laughing and the next she's slurring and swearing. Very strange evening.

Given this sentence, I'm very surprised you threw her out. That's not what friends do.

 

[alex9179]

Given this sentence, I'm very surprised you threw her out. That's not what friends do.

You weren't there, and I didn't go into all of the details. Suffice it to say, she needed to go home.

 

[Colleen27]

\

1) As far as the political example, have to learn to tune them out and then leave before everyone is 3 sheets to the wind. That is something that quite frankly has no compromise or end to it.

2) The sister thing, is a good example. My kids would have to follow my rules and have to remain at the table. Remember, you are modeling different behavior and setting an example. It might prompt the cousin to stay at the table.

So bottom line avoiding things that are uncomfortable is not the way to teach your child your values. Your kids learn in the face of adversity, so don't forget that.

See, those are both situations I'd be inclined to roll with. Assuming there's no history of or inclination towards violence, I don't think boisterous disagreement between two people who love/respect each other about a non-personal subject like politics is such a terrible thing. The only way it would prompt me to avoid the situation is if it veers into personal insults or other "fighting dirty" sort of territory.

We deal with the getting up from the table issue at every family gathering. My kids are all good eaters and they take their time. My nephew is super picky and eats like a bird. BIL lets him get up to go play when he's done, even if "done" is two bites of mashed potatoes and a cracker. If my kids ask, I'll let them join him but because they are good eaters and love FIL's cooking they very seldom ask.

 

[pigletgirl]

My children are gifted so they naturally understand all cultures. We, as parents, just want them to share their gifts with the world.

This is the most ridiculous post I have ever read.

 

[alex9179]

This is the most ridiculous post I have ever read.

I think it's supposed to be

 

[NHdisneylover]

No offense taken, here. I figured you skimmed and missed the part that they were here together, since she was yelling at him (he wasn't intoxicated and didn't engage). If it had been just her, she would have been shown the guest room and the kids would have camped with mine.

I've had to read posts more than once, myself. Amazing how the perceived absence of a word or two changes the whole story!

Thanks

 

[Ceila]

This is the most ridiculous post I have ever read.

It was a joke.

 

[eliza61]

Question:

Do you guys have a lot of drama at these family gatherings?

I have to be honest, a lot of these situations seem like little problems way over blown. Getting up from the table? hearing a curse word?
I have a very large family so family gatherings tend to be loud, busy and boisterous.
there problem has been some cussing going on. LOL, my kids would probably think I was crazy if I sat them down and had a talk about cursing.
Getting up from the table? happens all the time, not a big rule breakdown. the children always ask and truthfully the parents are more than happy to send them off because usually they are bouncing off the walls to play with their cousins that they are clowning around more than they are eating.
running around? Yes my sons knew the rule of "no running in the house" but with 17 cousins to play with, we hardly expect them to walk.

I guess family gatherings happen maybe 4 times or 5 max in my family, luckily no one gets violent or ever has. My kids have seen arguments between adults but then they have seen mom and dad argue, they also see us apologize a make up so no issues there.

I'm just trying to imagine what situation occurs at supposedly happy times where there are these total breakdown of rules. What the heck goes on at you guys Christmas dinners? My uncle is Muslim, he comes over says Merry Christmas, kisses and hugs every one. The kids flock to him like he is Santa because he give out their favorite gift. "cold, hard cash". he plays and talks to them, asked them what santa brought, yada yada yada. No one breaks out into a discussion about the real meaning of christmas. women usually end up in the kitchen, men in the family room to watch sports.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

Given this sentence, I'm very surprised you threw her out. That's not what friends do.

I disagree. If I was drunk and upset to the point that I wasn't acting like myself, I'd want someone to send me home before I embarrassed myself. This doesn't really sound like a story of different values. It sounds like someone who shared the OP's values, but, due to alcohol wasn't acting in accordance with those values.

 

[Bren's Mom]

(Here, I'll lighten the mood for y'all...)

My DMIL never "sits" at a meal, she's always scurrying around serving her husband, etc.

They came to see us when DS was maybe 3, we all sat down to eat (except her), DFIL went to dig into his food, and DS proclaimed politely, "We don't eat in this house until EVERYONE is at the table."

DMIL looked like a deer caught in the headlights, but actually sat and ate her first meal all the way through without leaping up.

When we go to their house, he still doesn't understand why she never sits down....

Terri

That's priceless, be sure to write that down somewhere for ds!

And op, some things cannot be 'planned' in advance. But in general, our rules for our children apply no matter where we are. They are expected to be polite and respectful and to be kind to others. We expect them to say please and thank you. If anything inappropriate were happening at a relative or friends home, we'd deal with it then.

 

[Lilliputian]

To those of you confused about why parents would need to shield their children or prepare them for things, you probably go to family gatherings where people are all just happy to see each other and want each other to be happy. That would be lovely.

The issues we are concerned about are ones where family members think our children are missing out on things or otherwise harmed because of our lifestyle, so they try to "reprogram" them and fill them in on stuff they're missing. It's not that they're just walking around doing their own thing--it's more that they think we're doing it wrong and are trying to fix it. They deliberately go behind our backs and do things they know we'd disapprove of. I don't mind my children seeing other people living another way, but I do mind other people exposing my children to things they know we deliberately exclude from our lives.

 

[IvyandLace]

Well said, Lilliputian!! I totally agree.

It is very interesting to me to read everyone's opinions - definitely food for thought. I know that you can't prepare for everything, but I like to be as prepared as possible...especially as I can see circumstances coming up in the next few years around relatives that may go against what we believe (especially the drinking/offensive language).

I AM wondering, though, if by keeping my child from this environment or by taking her out of the environment when we become concerned, that this in itself would be viewed as "judging" by certain family members. Plus then we would be the ones that can't "just go with the flow" and would appear "unsupportive" of family.

Thanks again for everyone's discussion of the matter...it is very eye-opening to read your perspectives.

IVY

 

[Planogirl]

To those of you confused about why parents would need to shield their children or prepare them for things, you probably go to family gatherings where people are all just happy to see each other and want each other to be happy. That would be lovely.

The issues we are concerned about are ones where family members think our children are missing out on things or otherwise harmed because of our lifestyle, so they try to "reprogram" them and fill them in on stuff they're missing. It's not that they're just walking around doing their own thing--it's more that they think we're doing it wrong and are trying to fix it. They deliberately go behind our backs and do things they know we'd disapprove of. I don't mind my children seeing other people living another way, but I do mind other people exposing my children to things they know we deliberately exclude from our lives.

I can respect that however I have dealt with family members that think we need to put away a lot of games and books and so on when they come to visit. I'm not talking anything totally out there either but just regular main stream items. I had a sister-in-law who thought that Disney was the devil for a while.

I'll put away anything questionable but I have my limits.

 

[NHdisneylover]

To those of you confused about why parents would need to shield their children or prepare them for things, you probably go to family gatherings where people are all just happy to see each other and want each other to be happy. That would be lovely.

The issues we are concerned about are ones where family members think our children are missing out on things or otherwise harmed because of our lifestyle, so they try to "reprogram" them and fill them in on stuff they're missing. It's not that they're just walking around doing their own thing--it's more that they think we're doing it wrong and are trying to fix it. They deliberately go behind our backs and do things they know we'd disapprove of. I don't mind my children seeing other people living another way, but I do mind other people exposing my children to things they know we deliberately exclude from our lives.

Can you give some examples?

Are you talking about family gatherings in which someone tries to trick your children into eating meat, knowing you are vegetarian? Or simply in which they serve meat based dishes at a buffet and then your kids feel "left out" when they cannot have half of what is on offer?

Or, something like, do you mean that at family gatherings (so that means the adults--like you--are there too), they are somehow secretly showing your children movies you strongly disapprove of, etc--or just that the majority of the kids are choosing to watch Harry Potter and you do not allow that , so now your kids are left out.

I seriously am trying to figure out what you mean--it sounds like at large gatherings you feel other family is deliberately trying to undermine you with your kids, even with you right there. How?

I mean, we limit sweets and when we visit my in laws she always buys tons of candy and soda and used to feed the kids chocolate cake for breakfast It was not that big of a deal because even though we value healthy eating, we only stayed a week or so per year on average at Grandma's house and even as very young kids, the kids could understand that it was not that big of a deal and that we let things slide at Grandma's house. It is part of what made trips to Grandma's more special.

 

[alex9179]

To those of you confused about why parents would need to shield their children or prepare them for things, you probably go to family gatherings where people are all just happy to see each other and want each other to be happy. That would be lovely.

For the most part, our gatherings are a lot of fun and everyone has a good time . There have been instances with my in-laws where things have been tense because of some turmoil, but we try to just go with the flow. Our family situation is a bit complicated on that side, so there are bound to be conflicts. Values aren't really an issue because we're pretty similar and, certainly, how a kid eats isn't a big deal.

In our case, an individual's personal baggage has more to do with not agreeing than core beliefs. I try to move beyond it, because staying worked up doesn't help anything. I'm getting better at it every year!

 

[NHdisneylover]

I can respect that however I have dealt with family members that think we need to put away a lot of games and books and so on when they come to visit. I'm not talking anything totally out there either but just regular main stream items. I had a sister-in-law who thought that Disney was the devil for a while.

I'll put away anything questionable but I have my limits.

My son had a friend whose family requested we remove family photos from the wall while their son visited. The photos which show a gay couple. They didn't like that it showed their son that being gay was possibly "normal and okay"

We refused. Those photos were not put there for the specific reason of showing their child and alternate reality to what the parents have taught him (though, I fully admit I am not terribly upset that he sees that there are differing views out there)--this was not done to challenge their views. The photos were up long before we even met these people; they are of people we are close to and miss when we are apart.

IMO, in this case (and it sounds like in the case of games and whatnot at your house) the other family is not respecting your "normal" and "owning" that their values are different and doing the hard job of teaching their child about their own values and how those fit into the world at large.