How to Polietly Say....

[Nancyg56]

I just can't understand why some people think it's ok to invite themselves along on a family vacation. I'm having the same problem with my sister. She's very insulted and upset with me right now because I didn't invite her and her kids along on our upcoming trip. Keep in mind this is a trip we're taking a few weeks after DH comes home to celebrate his return from Iraq. He has been away over a year and I want to spend time alone with just him, the kids and I to reconnect as a family. I can't even fathom inviting myself along on a trip like that, but some people don't understand boundaries I guess. It's so bad that I haven't even told them we bought DVC this year. She would be REALLY upset if she knew we could rent a villa and all stay together in family bliss

Enjoy your trip and your time with your family!

What a wonderful way to spend some time as a family. It is hard enough on a family to be apart as one member serves our country overseas, but to need to keep details away from a sister in order to recconnect your family is so sad. Extended family is nice, but there are times, such as your upcoming vacation that should be reserved for immediate family, and extended family should rejoice in the safe return of your DH. Please enjoy your trip, and I will include your DH in my prayers.

 

[Jynohn]

Please enjoy your trip, and I will include your DH in my prayers.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate that.

 

[swilshire]

I changed my answer after I read through the whole thread.

Sounds like there is just too much bad feelings for the visit to be a success. I hope she WILL visit next summer and things can improve.

In the meantime, life's too short for that kind of aggravation.

Sheila

 

[tessqt]

AFter I read your original post I thought like some other's "only one day", but after I read on, ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! Don't ruin your vacation.

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

Thanks again everyone..for all the support and thoughts, its so nice to know that I am not alone in the crazy inlaw department!! lol I feel bad for DH though, I know he would benefit as well as my dd from 2 sets of people that want to be around. Thankfully my parents are involved. We did hear from his father tonight, and DH wasn't home. So as he took his deep breath to rip into me, I cut him short and let him go. The nerve!

I am just so tired of these : as I will now call them "outlaws!!" LOL

Well..not going to let it get to me this time...

Thanks again for everyone's advice and support!
Good Luck to everyone else and I hope you all have magical vacations!!

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

When I read your first post I thought there was really no harm in spending an afternoon with her and perhaps your husband should invite her to lunch or dinner with him and your DD while you enjoyed some alone time. But after reading the back story I agree that there was no need to accomodate this woman. I think your husband handled it very well.

I just can't understand why some people think it's ok to invite themselves along on a family vacation. I'm having the same problem with my sister. She's very insulted and upset with me right now because I didn't invite her and her kids along on our upcoming trip. Keep in mind this is a trip we're taking a few weeks after DH comes home to celebrate his return from Iraq. He has been away over a year and I want to spend time alone with just him, the kids and I to reconnect as a family. I can't even fathom inviting myself along on a trip like that, but some people don't understand boundaries I guess. It's so bad that I haven't even told them we bought DVC this year. She would be REALLY upset if she knew we could rent a villa and all stay together in family bliss

Enjoy your trip and your time with your family!

I wish your husband a safe return..and I hope the kids and you both have a wonderful vacation..That is a Wonderful way to enjoy a homecoming!!

 

[cjhinch]

When I read your first post, I was thinking that one day probably wouldn't be too much to ask.......but then I read your second post!! I think I would just politely tell her that this is a family vacation, and that you are really just looking forward to spending time together as a family. Heck, I wouldn't even hesitate to tell her that she had plenty of time this past summer to get together with you, without horning in on a hard earned vacation!!

I have family from both my Mom's side and my Dad's side that live in the Orlando area, and it just really isn't feasible to get together with them on our Disney trips. We don't have transportation, and they aren't the types to come to the parks, so there you go! We just try to keep our visits a secret as to not hurt feelings!

 

[mrsg00fy]

your family vacation time is an eagerly anticipated and special time. good for you for being forthright. i view my family vacation time as a time to reconnect and not be disturbed by or need to compromise with anyone.

now go and enjoy that trip!

 

[TNKBELL]

This new information does put a different slant on things. If things between you were neutral, I'd say you owe her a day; however, if things have been this bad, then you do have a leg to stand on in this argument.

I'd suggest that at some point you work on reconciliation with these folks -- not for their sake, but for your own. My father abandoned us when I was a child. We always knew where he lived, but I probably saw him 5-6 times total after he left. This was in the pre-Regan years, and he paid no child support. In fact, he moved out of state to avoid it. Birthdays? Christmas? My wedding? Not even a phone call.

However, when I was 25 my aunt called and told me that he was dying, and if I ever wanted to see him again I should come right away. I am so grateful that she called me. My husband and I drove 10 hours and we spent a weekend with my dad. It was very good FOR ME. I had been angry with him, but seeing him again as an adult made me realize that he had demons that were beyond his control. I'm not saying that everything suddenly became hunky-dory, or that I forgave him for all he put us through as children. Now that he's gone, I am very glad that I have no regrets or unfinished business with him.

Sounds very similar to me!! The best thing I ever did was to forgive my Father. I can't forget, but I can forgive. It does make you feel so much better to be at peace and have that burden off your shoulders.

 

[MickeyMacks]

Glad to hear your DH spoke up and was honest with her. You're doing the best thing keeping your daughter away from family snipers and sulkers. Wish my family had done that - too many ruined holidays and expensive visits to count... All hugs up front and snide catty remarks behind backs - phony and disappointing, yep, that's what I learned about family as a child. And to just keep subjecting themselves to it year after year out of "family" obligation? I'll volunteer for ostracism, thank you!

DH's grandmother will try to turn it into an issue within the family but she was the one who was being unreasonable to start with, so her argument won't have credibility with anyone who knows the whole story. And the one's who don't know the whole story are the ones who won't be interested in hearing it, anyway, right? So don't waste your breath on anything but the one-word response to unreasonableness - "whatever."

Gotta love family!

 

[MrGrumpy222]

Please bear with me..sorry this is long, but we NEED advice.

So we are leaving for Disney Dec. 2, and will only be there 6 days, 6 days of which are going to be VERY full. Today I get a call out of the blue from my husbands grandmother..who is very young..(56) Who hasn't bothered to call us since last year sometime..and says she heard (from her wonderful son that does no wrong..there's another thread for ya..lol) we were going to be at WDW in December and wants us to stop by her house in Tampa..OR she will come to us, buy park admission and spend the day with us there. ?!!? WHAT? I didn't know what to say...so i just sort of passed it off on my husband.
Mind you..the woman is nice..but a bit rude..and makes myself and my husband crazy. Hubby SAYS he is going to tell her that we will not have the time and this is just a family vacation..but I am afraid he will chicken out. We don't go on vacation often at all..in fact this is the first time we have been since my dd was born...

How can we tactfully tell her that we don't want to visit while we are on our own vacation?

Tell her You canceled your trip and your not going. If you have to, change your resie at your hotel and go to another. She'll never find you! Plus she won't call you since she went a year w/o calling. This is just a thought You may be taken a-back by it. Hey my name is MrGrumpy not Prince Charming.
Hey, I just read through the entire thread. I have to tell you the old saying "You can pick your friends but you can't pick your relatives." If they are that obnoxious and demonstrate such behavior I wouldn't care what they think and tell them NO YOU CAN'T COME! What does it matter? She won't call, she does that now. She won't visit? She didn't the last time she was in your town. I bet she shows up with a over nite bag with plans for staying a few nights. Tell them all to "Gas Up!" and "Pound the Pavement" What's the worst that can happen? She'll stop calling. Hey, that would work for me!

 

[Hodder]

So, you hit the nail on the head! First off to everyone..we are already traveling with my parents...to whom I think my daughter has an incrediably good relationship with. But my hubby's Extended family has choosen to not play a role in my daughters life. * Mind you..this woman (great grandma..who had her first child at age 13, for the poster that said yikes...) was in our neck of the woods all summer long and didn't bother calling us then to set up a time to visit.* Thats what bothers me. I mean, why are you going to invite yourself along on someone elses vacation..when you were in town for 4 months and didn't even bother to stop by..or even call for that matter. His family..even had a family reunion this summer..HOSTED BY HIS OWN FATHER..and didn't even TRY to make us feel as though they wanted us there...He even planned it intentionally for a weekend that hubby was working and didn't tell us until 3 days before. * long inlaw story. lol, my husband dosen't even talk to his own mother anymore..as of almost 3 years ago now...i mean, that bothers me. The woman has not even once, not even once sent my dd a birthday card, xmas card..nothing, I tottally agree that children need to know their grandparents..but come on..there's only so much I can do. My dd was 5 months old when she stopped talking to us! How could you do that? I even tried for a while after that to restart a relationship with her..so that our dd would know her..and she told me to NEVER call their home again...Shortly after that, his parents got divorced..and his dad remarried to a woman that has children younger than my daughter. And is reliving the "glory days" as some would call them. Sorry, going on here..just so annoys me. We are all family. And I would love to be in a place where I could say sure..meet us for dinner at The Grand Floridian one night for dinner..we would love to chat. But we just aren't.
So anyway..sorry to vent here..but thanks for listening..and for the advice..I appreciate it.

Don't worry about it. Just tell her that you'll meet her for dinner some evening if that's what you want and leave the rest of your vacation for yourself. We have had some family problems and while I wish those family members all the best, I have in my own mild way made it clear that I really don't want them around me. How many times do you need to be hurt before you say enough? I just decided that it was enough.

 

[nliedel]

You handled this beautifully imo. With your history and fmaily issues this was a good call. I wnat the recipe for whatever your husband eats for breakfast. Last week my mother in law, who thinks we are "Just wasting money on a stupid vacation" and who was asked 6 months ago if she would watch the babies and agreed, informs me that she does not want to watch the babies alone and insists that we get a sitter. OK fine. I understand that it's a lot of work but when I offered to do that last spring she didn't want help. Now at the 11th hour she will not watch them without help so Gene and I had to decide what to do and it amounted to my not going at all. She found a friend who we will pay but knowing her this is not the last little bomb she will drop on us in an attempt to subvert our vacation.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

my advice would be to make your day seem super crazy so she won't want to come. but you had the idea i did, tell her you're booked like crazy and tell her things like "well we'll have to go back to the hotel for naps during the day, and we're going to go on all the kiddie rides" mention it'll be hot and your children might be cranky part of the time. see if any of that scares her away.

 

[Martha7]

Her husband has already told his grandmother that they're not going to be able to accomodate her wish to join them on vacation. My question is this, who opened their big mouth and spilled the beans to grandma anyway? I'm guessing that it was your FIL, in which case, he has no one to blame but himself for setting you up! I really feel strongly that vacation time is for your family to have time together. Stick to your guns no matter what, and major props to your DH for having the cajones to tell her "no thanks!"

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

Her husband has already told his grandmother that they're not going to be able to accomodate her wish to join them on vacation. My question is this, who opened their big mouth and spilled the beans to grandma anyway? I'm guessing that it was your FIL, in which case, he has no one to blame but himself for setting you up! I really feel strongly that vacation time is for your family to have time together. Stick to your guns no matter what, and major props to your DH for having the cajones to tell her "no thanks!"

Yup, FIL it was!! lol
Guess, we know better than to tell anyone from now on!

 

[tlbwriter]

Yay for hubby! He did exactly the right thing. Now, if you aren't already screening your calls with caller ID and an answering machine, you need to start.

 

[sanilacjack]

Dear ThreeMusketeers,

I totally have your back on this one.....My DH has a very toxic family too!!
I can tell you stories that would make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. Luckly, Dh and I have a strong marriage and agree on everything.
His family (esp. Mom and Grandmom) are rude in your face people. Their only concern is with themselves. They have to have their own way and if not...everyone suffers. I have always supported my husband and tried to keep peace and bite my lip on occasion. After awhile, we decided, when the kids were little, we had to do what was best for them and us! That 'OUR' family came first.

We have found that you have to be VERY firm and VERY to the point...otherwise they will walk all over you. We don't lower ourselves to their standard, we are not rude back to them just very firm. Ofcourse, they don't like it (not getting their own way) and can be mean and nasty.
Just hold your ground.

Also A side note: I have found the more firm and to the point I am and also holding my ground the better the relationship I have with these people. makes so sense to me...but it works.

Just my 2 cents
Kim