How to Polietly Say....

[icebaby]

IMHO, I would give your DH a time frame of 2 weeks to contact his grandmother and to tell her that you guys are on a family vacation that already has a full itenairy and won't be able to meet up with her. Let him handle it, since it's his family and initially he said he will take care of it. If he "chickens out" as you are scared he might, then bite the bullet and make the phone call/email yourself after 2 weeks passes. Make no apologies, but be cordial. There are no regrets to have, she hasn't connected with your family in a year (and the phone/internet is a 2 way street) Your trip isn't until 12/2/05, more than 60 days away... Can Granny come back to your neck of the woods for a visit before the WDW trip? If she is willing to shell out the cash for a days travel and WDW ticket, maybe she is willing for the cost of travel to visit for a weekend before your upcoming trip? If you and your DH are united on this situation, there is nothing to feel guilty about or have second thoughts on. Good Luck. Unfortunately you can't pick your family like you can pick your friends. . .

 

[Nancyg56]

Sounds pretty toxic to me, and I personally wouldn't want that to be part of my vacation, even if just because it would stress you out and aggrivate you and your kids don't deserve that. Believe it or not, I can actually relate to your situation, so I am probably not as forgiving of this stuff as some others who have nice normal families. We have a multitude of family issues and there are family members we no longer speak to because they were not healthy relationships and I did not wish to have my children suffer because of it. I no longer feel guilty about that, but for a long time, I did. I thought it was more important to HAVE family and just put up with all of the negative everything, but I don't feel that way anymore. I have to protect MY OWN FAMILY first and foremost and protecting them sometimes mean keeping them away from family too. I don't think that it is okay for anyone to invite themselves along on your vacation regardless - but I also expect people to call first before they come over (so I can put my bra on! LOL!). Not everyone is like that, but I imagine if you have family that treats you with repect normally, then you reciprocate that. I don't think that is the case in your situation, so why should you have to accomodate her? I know a lot of people said it is only one day, etc, but if you feel strongly about it and she is not going to ADD anything other than negativity, then make your hubby buck up and get you out of it.

I agree. I also have an inlaw situation, and have tried for years to "fix" it. Impossible. DH and I are very active in my DGD life and I would cut my heart out for her. We are all traveling to WDW along with a Sis inlaw from my first husbands family. We would never include his mom or grandmom, nor would we add evena dinner to accomodate either one, as the stress would be communicated to the little one. (Yes, my wonderful hubby inherited inlaws and outlaws, as first husband passed away when my kids were very young) The children are from my first marriage, and he has raised them as his own. My SonIL's entire family ignores my DGD and only sees her when there is a command performance, and it seems to be "for show." My DD and SIL have chosed to avoid as much as possible, as they both feel that it is important to ensure that Daddy is shown respect and consideration, and that their little one never questions her value to anyone. Also would not be included.

I feel strongly that family is not who is "related" to you, but it is a relationship. You need to do what your DH needs to do, but if this is not a comfortable arrangement, simply say "Oh dear, had I known EARLIER that you would be able to join us, I would have been happy to include you in our plans. Perhaps NEXT time, we can plan a visit together."

This is long, and I apologize. I just thinkpeople who have not experienced this kind of neglect toward loved ones cannot imaginr the painthat it causes all the way around. Good luck to you, and enjoy your family vacation! I have enjoyed your posts.

 

[MrsPete]

I agree and disagree. Sorry, I don't feel that being faaaammmmmilllyyy gives you the god-gived right to be RUDE.

I don't think wanting to spend a day with your granddaughter (who lives out of state) when she's so close by is rude. Guess we disagree on that one.

 

[Laurajean1014]

Let your husband handle it. If he caves in, then let him entertain her.

I would still do what you want if she joins you. I'm sure she doesn't want you to bend over backwards for her.

We all have these family members.

 

[MrsPete]

was in our neck of the woods all summer long and didn't bother calling us then to set up a time to visit . . . my husband dosen't even talk to his own mother anymore..as of almost 3 years ago now . . . My dd was 5 months old when she stopped talking to us! . . . told me to NEVER call their home again

This new information does put a different slant on things. If things between you were neutral, I'd say you owe her a day; however, if things have been this bad, then you do have a leg to stand on in this argument.

I'd suggest that at some point you work on reconciliation with these folks -- not for their sake, but for your own. My father abandoned us when I was a child. We always knew where he lived, but I probably saw him 5-6 times total after he left. This was in the pre-Regan years, and he paid no child support. In fact, he moved out of state to avoid it. Birthdays? Christmas? My wedding? Not even a phone call.

However, when I was 25 my aunt called and told me that he was dying, and if I ever wanted to see him again I should come right away. I am so grateful that she called me. My husband and I drove 10 hours and we spent a weekend with my dad. It was very good FOR ME. I had been angry with him, but seeing him again as an adult made me realize that he had demons that were beyond his control. I'm not saying that everything suddenly became hunky-dory, or that I forgave him for all he put us through as children. Now that he's gone, I am very glad that I have no regrets or unfinished business with him.

 

[tjmw2727]

Whatever you do please be honest - it sounds like your DH's family has lots of issues and if your are not honest about this you may end up adding to it.

I agree that you should not feel obligated to spend time with her but I don't think making up excuses and ideas is the way to go about it. If you can 't come up with some compromise then perhaps DH should be the one to call her and tell her the truth.

Good luck!

TJ

 

[HeatherPage]

Some posters are not reading correctly, this woman is the husband's grandmother not mother (and who obviously doesn't sound close to begin with). Tell her your trip has been postponed and you'll let her know when it's been rescheduled).

 

[ThreeMusketeers]

Thanks everyone!

So, My DH called her this am, and let her know that this was a family vacation and that we were unable to accomadate her this time around. But perhaps next summer when she is in town * our town* for 4 months, she will give us a call to get together then.
She got mad and asked us what was the big deal..and insisted that hubby was being RUDE by not letting her come visit...so DH said..." Listen, Nicole and I have been planning this vacation for months, and we just don't have alot of extra time with the parks closing early and so on, we really want to concentrate on our daughter and our family this time around. I hope next summer..or the next time you are in town..you give us a call."

She continued to be rude, cut the conversation short and hung up the phone. I am SURE his father will get wind of this..and will be calling us with his opinion shortly..mind you...if his dad does call..it will be the first time in about 6 months.(aside from the 3 day prior to the reuinion call.) DH even opened up to him then months ago, and told him he wanted a closer relationship with him and that he was hurt about the reunion and stuff...and still nothing back from his father at all. UGH!

Well just wanted to thank everyone for your opinions..and experiences..makes me feel...NOT so Alone!

Thank you...

 

[Nancyg56]

Whoa Nellie!!!

 

[HeatherPage]

Good for your husband (and you)! While I'm very close to my parents and can't imagine my own parents acting that way (referring to his father) you have to do what is in the best interests of your daughter. If great grandma can't be bothered to come see you/your family while she's in your town, you certaintly shouldn't have to accomodate her. It sounds like she's maybe hoping she'll get a freebie out of visiting you (free dinner, free day at the park, etc.). Anyways your daughter is adorable and I hope she has a wonderful time with mommy and daddy and your parents

 

[Daydreamer64]

good- what a relief- it's out in the open and said now. DH can stick to his guns and not feel bad- if you didn't want to visit with her during that time, then it would over shadow your vacation before and after the day of the visit and cause resentment toward her. Life is too short to repeatedly spend time on toxic relationships if they continue to remain toxic in spite of previous interventions. I won't allow the "guilt" card to be played on me, my time and life are important too!- we did not allow our self-invited family to attend our vacation either. Good for you and DH!

 

[Autumngirl]

Thanks everyone!

So, My DH called her this am, and let her know that this was a family vacation and that we were unable to accomadate her this time around. But perhaps next summer when she is in town * our town* for 4 months, she will give us a call to get together then.
She got mad and asked us what was the big deal..and insisted that hubby was being RUDE by not letting her come visit...so DH said..." Listen, Nicole and I have been planning this vacation for months, and we just don't have alot of extra time with the parks closing early and so on, we really want to concentrate on our daughter and our family this time around. I hope next summer..or the next time you are in town..you give us a call."

She continued to be rude, cut the conversation short and hung up the phone. I am SURE his father will get wind of this..and will be calling us with his opinion shortly..mind you...if his dad does call..it will be the first time in about 6 months.(aside from the 3 day prior to the reuinion call.) DH even opened up to him then months ago, and told him he wanted a closer relationship with him and that he was hurt about the reunion and stuff...and still nothing back from his father at all. UGH!

Well just wanted to thank everyone for your opinions..and experiences..makes me feel...NOT so Alone!

Thank you...

Of course she got mad. Rude people who don't get their own way get mad and continue to be rude. Oh well. Don't lose sleep.

As for DH "Daddy Dear" calling...when a family member choses not to maintain an on-going relationship, they lose their right to an opinion. Tell "Daddy" to to spend quality time with his mommy and YOU and YOUR FAMILY will spend time with her at a later date that is more convenient and DOESN'T hijack your vacation.

 

[whacked]

Nice job.

I caught this one late, but a applaud the solution.

You have to be honest, or (in my experience) it always backfires and becomes even worse.

At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for the people you LOVE.

I know it's harsh, but you would have likely had a bad day when she was there, and you would have been tense the days before and after the visit.

Give the hubby lots of praise for handling it correctly. It was (and is) probably very difficult.

You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your relatives.

 

[daisyduck123]

I would let her come have a meal with you. When my mom & I took my kids & stayed for a week at POP, 2 distant relatives on my father's side wanted to come see us (they live in Celebration, about a 5 minute ride away). I hadn't seen them in about 30 years.They came to the hotel & sat with us while the kids swam in the pool. We had a nice time & it made relatives who weren't even there, happy that we'd seen each other.

 

[babytrees]

I have a situation not unlike OP's.....other than my two DD's are older.
You just have to remember that the only people that are being hurt in this situation is the people who are purposefully being rude is themselves. My mantra with my husband's family is "they're the ones who are missing out because we have two awesome daughters that they don't know." We get it from both sides so I say that mantra an awful lot.

 

[justKim]

ThreeMuskateers

Have a great trip! It seems to me the posters who suggest that you change your plans for an unwelcome relative are luckier with their family relationships than you and I are. Not all family relationships can be pleasant ones. Take your trip with the people you want to spend time with and have a wonderful vacation. I've had people tell me "what could be so hard about going to see x-relative, they seem nice" and they obviously don't appreciate how some people are so difficult that nothing good comes from trying to placate them.

 

[StephMK]

Your additional details definitely changed my opinion & good for hubby for standing up to her! I'm sorry you both have to deal with family like that but I'd tell his dad to butt out, you made your decision, end of story.

If you don't already, might be a good time to invest in caller ID. Enjoy a stress free vacation w/o having to worry about a difficult visit. Given the situation, I know I would have been tense for days dreading her coming!

 

[IMALOVNDISNEY]

I too have had this situation. We vacation in DW each year. My brother lives about 45 min away from the World. The first time we went, I called him ahead of time to let him know when we would be there. Once we were at the hotel, I called again to let him know our hotel room and # with the intentions of getting together. He thought because he is older than I am, and because I was visiting "his" state I needed to come to him. He is a fly by the seat of your pants kind of person. So, I knew if we went to him it would be an all day thing or possibly 2 days. I explained this was a family vaca and I wasn't going to take my family away from the magic, but, he could come to us. He agreed, but, never came.
We have made several trips since that one. Now I don't even call him to let him know we are there although I speak to him atleast 2-3 times a month.
I love my brother dearly, but, our life styles are soooo different and I don't want to subject my DD to his ways..
You need to do what you think is right for you and your family and have no regrets.
Have a great trip(wish we were going).

 

[mommykds]

Opps! Just read your solution!!!! Hope it works out !!!

 

[Jynohn]

When I read your first post I thought there was really no harm in spending an afternoon with her and perhaps your husband should invite her to lunch or dinner with him and your DD while you enjoyed some alone time. But after reading the back story I agree that there was no need to accomodate this woman. I think your husband handled it very well.

I just can't understand why some people think it's ok to invite themselves along on a family vacation. I'm having the same problem with my sister. She's very insulted and upset with me right now because I didn't invite her and her kids along on our upcoming trip. Keep in mind this is a trip we're taking a few weeks after DH comes home to celebrate his return from Iraq. He has been away over a year and I want to spend time alone with just him, the kids and I to reconnect as a family. I can't even fathom inviting myself along on a trip like that, but some people don't understand boundaries I guess. It's so bad that I haven't even told them we bought DVC this year. She would be REALLY upset if she knew we could rent a villa and all stay together in family bliss

Enjoy your trip and your time with your family!