How to help a friend going through marital problems?

[SC Minnie]

Her H told her on Christmas day he didn't love her anymore and was moving out. It was a complete shock to her. He said he was 'in love' with a women he met on the internet but has not yet met in person. Jerk

She is obviously a basket case. They have been married for 15 yrs and have a 14yo DD. I have tried being supportive but just at a loss on what to do. She is seeing a therapist and from what she has told me they seem to be good. The H refuses to go to counseling saying there is no hope for their marriage and there is nothing wrong with him. She thinks he is bipolar because one minute everything is wonderful and literally the next minute everything is wrong and a disaster. This happens frequently and has for a while.

What can I do to help her stay strong?

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Be there for her. Listen to her vent, whine, complain. Just plain support her emotionally. Maybe take her out to dinner or shopping to get her mind off of everything.

Good luck to you and your friend. Sounds like she's in for a long haul.

 

[Bren's Mom]

Your poor friend.

Be there for her. Encourage her to continue counseling. Call her often, remind her you're there to listen. Take her out once in a while, even if she says she's not up to it. Or take her dd out to do something fun. Hug her often. Don't bash her dh. Send her cards in the mail. Hold her hand.

 

[NY Disney fan]

What can I do to help her stay strong?

Tell her to start making copies of all her important papers (including his SS#) and hold on for a bumpy ride. Get her the name of a good laywer. This doesn't mean divorce, it means she has to prepare for his further betrayal. This has happened to me and this is what *I* needed to be strong.

 

[luvmy3jewels]

I'm glad you posted this question today, because I was going to ask the same question. A co-worker is seeing an attorney today to begin the divorce process, only her situation is a little different than your friends. She is initiating the divorce because of marraige problems. I don't think infidelity is involved, just a lot of fighting. Her dh doesn't want the divorce and is making a lot of threats and being really ugly about it (like that would make her want to stay with him). She's been struggling with this decision for two years and I can tell that it's going to be a long, rough road for her.

I don't want to pry into her business, but I do want to be as supportive as possible and not ignore the fact that she is in a lot of pain right now. I haven't ever been through this and wasn't sure if there was anything that I could do to help her.

 

[stitch&ariel]

Sorry I don't have any advice but sending loads of for your friend.

What sort of a person does that to someone they have been with for so many years on Christmas Day of all day's?!? I really feel for her

 

[lillygator]

Be supportive and be there for her. I agree with a PP who said don't bash her DH.

 

[SC Minnie]

Tell her to start making copies of all her important papers (including his SS#) and hold on for a bumpy ride. Get her the name of a good laywer. This doesn't mean divorce, it means she has to prepare for his further betrayal. This has happened to me and this is what *I* needed to be strong.

She actually works PT for a law firm so her finding a good lawyer is not going to be a problem. He pulled this same stunt but involving another women 6mo ago. She took him back, he went to therapy, etc and said he loved her more than ever. Anyway, she kept all the evidence of that affair and has been keeping everything involving this one.

I have been listening and offered to meet for lunch or go to the movies etc but we haven't done anything yet. I just found out all of this on Sunday. I was on vacation last week and she didn't want to upset my vacay by calling me.

Right now she can't go 20 min without crying. He is calling her or texting asking how she is doing. Which makes her more upset. He is coming by the house and doing things for them which isn't helping her deal with this. Her therapist and I both told her to stop answering his calls. If its important he will leave a message. If the call involves the DD then she can respond. Her therapist told her he lost his right to know how she is doing when he left and I agree. She hasn't gotten to the pissed off stage yet.

Anymore advice is welcome.

 

[wdwfan16]

All you can do is be an ear when she needs it and to keep her moving forward so she does not get stuck in indecision.

 

[SC Minnie]

Be supportive and be there for her. I agree with a PP who said don't bash her DH.

I haven't been bashing him to her. I actually told her last night that I hadn't even told my DH about this yet. We do things occasionally as a couples and I know DH would not be able to be around him anymore if he knew.

 

[wdwfan16]

When a close GF was going through a nasty divorce I read a book title something like - How to survive your friend's divorce. It basically talked about how you had to keep them from getting stuck in self pity. It also pointed out that your friendship may not survive that ordeal. Ours did but there were a few years were we had a lesser friendship. It occurred after a bout of self pity and her in activity that resulted in a bad outcome. She then wanted me to fix the bad outcome. I told her I tried but she did not want to do what she needed to do and now the outcome cannot be fixed. She also started to lean on me too much so I had to back away. After a time we went back to the great friends we were.