How to handle Mom on trips...

[4HOLIDAYS]

My father passed away 5 months ago and my mom has decided she still wants to go to WDW but by tagging along with us. We just came back from several nights in Sept. in which my Mom decided last minute to join us. We (self, DH, and 2DS 18 and 20) are going to WDW and SeaWorld for a week in Dec and she will be joining us there as well.

We (the 4 of us)go every May to the Beach Club for a relaxing, pool , waterparks,..over our anniversary. My DH -and I agree- that the May trip will just be the 4 of us. I am wondering how/when to tell Mom...I know she will be hurt but we both agree on this. Until my fathers health started to fail, they would have a fit when we would make a trip without them, but we just sometimes want some "us" time.

My mom and dad used to meet us at WDW for trips now and again but a long time ago we decided we would do our thing and they could do theirs with the meet up for a meal or a couple hours of park time/ DTD/hotel hopping...something like that. We do not travel the same way, different interests in pretty much everything while there. So the issue is now that my dad is gone , mom is not a big fan of how we vacation, pool time, resort time, rollercoasters, action movies, photopass pics.the concerts at the parks..,.,.the list goes on. None of these are things that she enjoys. Having 2 DS, it has never included puttering in the shops for more than a minute, not sitting around and people watching. You get the idea. She has asked if we can slow things down this trip-not sure how to slow 4 of us to accomadate her. I feel bad because she doesn't want to do things on her own, but we don't really want to do many of the things she likes. Ugh.. She also has ECV, will be staying at POP as we are booked into BWV(DVC ) and is not happy about that. Not enough points for bigger rooms, and already spent $ for sept trip so we could all stay smae place.

Same issue with meals..we want to eat certain places, she does not always. Some is preference on each side. We also had thought about doing an extras-dessert party, MVMCP, tours...but budget is an issue for mom. Any ideas on how to handle this?

I feel bad for my mom, my parents were married 52 yrs so it is an adjustment for them. I want her to have a good time but the four of us can not fill my dad's spot as her traveling buddy. How do I get out from the middle of this situation- us enjoying our trip and her still having a nice time? My DH works very hard so we can go away and feels we won't get many more trips with the 4 of us due to our son's ages-so how do I let /or try not to let everyone down in this situation.

Any advice? Any one gone through a similar situation? Thanks!

 

[roseaster]

In all honesty, I couldn't do it to my mom. I would just bring her along. That 1st year after my father died was very difficult. Losing a spouse is very different than losing a parent.

If it were just a trip with my husband and I, I can see explaining to her that it was a romantic anniversary thing, but with 2 grown kids going along, I just don't think I could do it.

Your mom is probably going through a lot right now, and is probably very lonely. Your kids are adults, they are old enough to understand that grandma needs a little extra TLC at this point.

I think you can invite her a long and both you and she can adjust your vacations a little to accommodate each other of you just talk about it and plan.

 

[stobaugh6]

In all honesty, I couldn't do it to my mom. I would just bring her along. That 1st year after my father died was very difficult. Losing a spouse is very different than losing a parent.

If it were just a trip with my husband and I, I can see explaining to her that it was a romantic anniversary thing, but with 2 grown kids going along, I just don't think I could do it.

Your mom is probably going through a lot right now, and is probably very lonely. Your kids are adults, they are old enough to understand that grandma needs a little extra TLC at this point.

I think you can invite her a long and both you and she can adjust your vacations a little to accommodate each other of you just talk about it and plan.

This. Totally.

I agree with roseaster. Give your mom a year or two at least to adjust to living without her husband. Show your boys how you would want them to comfort you if something were to happen to their father. Just love on her and make adjustments to your plans to better accommodate her. Your family can still have an amazing family vacation. Sending you hugs on the loss of your father.

 

[scrapquitler]

Agree with roseaster as well. However - Does your mom have a friend that she might like to have come along with her? Maybe having a friend to hang with and take it slow would give you all the space you want?

 

[xlsm]

Agree with roseaster as well. However - Does your mom have a friend that she might like to have come along with her? Maybe having a friend to hang with and take it slow would give you all the space you want?

This was what I was thinking too!

If she had a friend that could travel with her, you wouldn't feel like you were leaving her behind, but you also wouldn't feel like she was holding you back.

I completely understand the desire to have your "core four" trip, but maybe give it until next year for that.
She probably wants to hold on the the magic and memories of previous trips with your dad, and it has got to be a tough transition.

You're in a hard spot, and I feel for all of you.
Good luck

 

[Thing 1]

Agree with everyone else.....no way could I not take her along...especially that first year. After my dad died, we just had to adjust life to include my mom more and that meant vacations too. It just is what it is. The boys are old enough to spend some time doing their own thing and you and DH might just have to slow down a little bit. I would figure out a way to get you both at the same resort. You will never regret doing what you need to do for your mother.

 

[DisneyParkLover]

I'm in the minority I guess, but I think you should keep the May trip just the 4 of you. You just brought her along in September AND are bringing her in December. By May it will have been a year or nearly a year. And you are limited on time with your sons before they are out of the house. I would be straightforward and just tell her sometime between now and December "we loved our September trip and can't wait for December, but we have decided to travel just the 4 of us in May". Her feelings will probably be a little hurt, but you have already included her on two of your family trips since your dad passed and many before he passed, so I think it's fine to want one for yourself.

ETA: If you do decide to bring her, a friend may help or maybe she could spend some time relaxing at the resort while you guys are running around and then you can plan meals and leisurely activities together.

 

[AshleeH]

I lost my Mom right before Christmas - if I was in this situation, I would not only invite my Dad, I would adjust my trip to be something he would not only enjoy, but would love. It sounds like you go to Disney a lot - would one trip where you slow it down and try something new, really be a bad thing? I had to slow down when my parents joined us on our 2012 trip - she was in a wheelchair and I was pregnant - and it ended up being a different kind of magic. Something I would not have experienced if I'd done things the usual way, but it gave me a new appreciation and we tried a lot of new things we were too rushed to enjoy in previous trips.

I keep asking my Dad to join us on vacations and he keeps declining, but I will keep asking. Not only is he unbelievably lonely after losing the woman he's loved for decades (you don't just get over that loss in a year or two), but I want my kids to have as many experiences with him as possible.

You mention that you won't have many more trips with your grown sons, but really, can you say you're going to have a lot left with your Mom?

 

[4HOLIDAYS]

Thanks for the replies. I would love if my mom had a friend to bring. She literally has no one but myself and 2 sisters, and 1 only calls maybe 1x per month-she is about 4 hrs away, the other is right here but calls maybe 2x / week and sees her maybe once a month. My mom is not social, never was and was never close to us kids once we got older. My father was the one who wanted to be around us, kept in touch, had a relatioship with my kids. I am the only one that even is really making an effort.

I think xlsm is right, I think she wants to hold on to the good memories at WDW. They have been taking us to WDW since opening in 1971. It was 1 thing we all loved. We took them on a trip to WDW w/ a Disney cruise for their 50th and I am so glad we did. They LOVED it, it was alot of compromise for us 4 compared to how we normally would cruise but it was about them, and we were happy to do it.

My kids understand. We have been doing all kinds of things for her and they would never complain. They do go off on their own a bit at WDW but we really enjoy each others company and have a good time wherever we go together. My mom understands about their pace being much quicker, later nights, different rides, to a point. I am just having a hard time trying to balance out everything for everyone. Like the rides, they want RnR, she wants toy story, they want TT, she wants soarin', but does not want to go alone... I have really bad vertigo issues so I do almost NO rides, so that leaves DH and DS's to go with her...Who should compromise what...

I am thinking of getting the top must do's from my mom and try and work around them. I booked soarin' in Sept, but doing TT in Dec. I have booked FEA for Dec for my mom but then let the boys pick the next one..,.I don't know who extended families do it when they have reunions and such,. We must just be used to doing things where it is just us.

I had offered to even do a trip just the 2 of us , or with her, myself and other sister if she wanted so that we could just do the kinds of things she wanted but she did not want to do that. I think that even with going along with us, that extra trip, that would have been just about the things her and my dad liked, would be nice. I just want everyone to have more good memories!

 

[Childs1stTime2Disney]

I have to say I agree with you, but I am not overly close with my mother. As much as my heart breaks for your mother, this sounds like an awful trip. Disney trips are too expensive to waste money on a trip that you might be plagued with disagreements and stress. JMO. I would tell your mother that she isn't going to like how the trip works out and it will just be too stressful to her to keep up with you (hint hint, you don't plan on changing your itinerary). Im sorry for your loss. Aside from this, if you cannot say no, me personally I would just not go rather than drag someone along who would ruin the trip. It's just too stressful and too expensive to chance.

I turned down going to Disney with my parents (and InLaws on a separate trip) because even if they wanted to pay for us, we know it would be a complicated and stressful trip. Not exactly how I want to remember Disney or taint it. Some situations are just not possible to overlook when you can see what's coming.

 

[wilkeliza]

Since you are doing 2 other trips with her I would just be straight and say you need a trip for just you, your husband, and your kids. This is coming from someone who was very close to their mama when she was alive. Your family time with just your husband and your boys is very important to those relationships and sure your boys would understand if grandma tagged along but 3 trips in 1 year catering to her seems like a lot. I think 1 where your kids are the #1 priority isn't too much to ask.

 

[Angel Ariel]

Since you are going on 2 trips with her prior to May, I don't think it's an issue to have the May trip to yourselves. That said, given the differences in how you travel, I personally would make the December trip more about accommodating her traveling style. At 18 and 20, your young men are old enough to be able to put their grandmother first for one trip - especially if they are having a trip that's just you and them in May that they can look forward to. I'm not saying they haven't ever done this in the past, just to be clear

 

[HopperFan]

I think it's great you took her in September and taking her again in December. I don't think it will be necessary to take her in May. I would be making an effort the next six months in getting her started adjusting to her new life; get her involved with senior activities, church projects, crafting, volunteering ... .she can't depend on you all to be her only entertainment or friends/family. It will spiral out of control if you don't start setting some boundaries.

Traveling with folks that you already know are not compatible end up stressful resentful trips. I would tell her the May trip is just the four of you, time for you to spend with the kids at their pace because they are growing up fast. I would TELL her you'd like to plan a trip with her, the things she enjoys, and the sisters like you did as a family, don't let her shut you down. Be clear that is her only choice for Disney next year. It's important to pull in the siblings at this point in time or you will carry the load. I think as long as you plan something with her for the future she will know you still want to travel with her, just not this May.

 

[Allison]

Since you are doing 2 other trips with her I would just be straight and say you need a trip for just you, your husband, and your kids. This is coming from someone who was very close to their mama when she was alive. Your family time with just your husband and your boys is very important to those relationships and sure your boys would understand if grandma tagged along but 3 trips in 1 year catering to her seems like a lot. I think 1 where your kids are the #1 priority isn't too much to ask.

I agree with this.

 

[kamik86]

I would stick to your guns about May.

If she is alone and only depends on you she is never going to get less alone. She is going to have to find a way to make other friends. Maybe try to help her with that. Otherwise the situation wont' really be any better the year after next or the one after that.

DH and I have done a few vacations with my parents and they are MUCH less of a vacation for us. Dealing with them is stressful. You and your kids should get a break too.

 

[Pooh2]

Can you just not mention the May trip until after the fact? Since it does not seem to be a parks trip anyway, maybe she would not feel left out of A Disney Trip.
Sorry about the loss of your dad.
I know it is really hard to get a parent to change things up at this stage but sounds like it would be good for her and helpful to her family if she learns to be more social and enjoy the company of her peers. Good luck!

 

[Hikergirl]

I agree with the posters who feel that you should be honest with her about your plans for your May trip. You have included her in 2 of your WDW vacations, you do not need to include her in that one too.

 

[4HOLIDAYS]

Thanks for all of your answers. I value the opinions I get here.

May is definately just going to be us 4. I will take HopperFan suggestion and tell her we need to plan a trip for her and I and maybe sis to go to WDW if she wants to go next year. I really think it will be much nicer that way and we can shop, people watch , stop as often as she likes... I will tell her that this is the only option.

I am going to ask her for a few of her favorite things -her must do's- for the Dec trip. I will get those covered then go from there. I will plan the rest of trip after her list and then let her know she can do as much or as little of it as she likes. I will try to come up with favorite spots for meals for her as well-we have eaten almost everywhere so I think she will like that as well.

Several of you mention trying to get her involved with activities, meet friends, or it will all fall to me. I agree and have been making suggestions but it is always is meet with "maybe later, a few more months". I know she is lonely but she won't go out. She lives in a sr community-they have dances, movies, clubs, pools, groups of all kinds..,.been there 5 yrs and never obce went to a single activity. I suggested a new craft,hobby to learn-like at Michael's , or adult ed at the schools-nope. I hope in time that will change. I want her to find some friends for her own sake.

Thanks again! This really helps me!

 

[roseaster]

Thanks for all of your answers. I value the opinions I get here.

May is definately just going to be us 4. I will take HopperFan suggestion and tell her we need to plan a trip for her and I and maybe sis to go to WDW if she wants to go next year. I really think it will be much nicer that way and we can shop, people watch , stop as often as she likes... I will tell her that this is the only option.

I am going to ask her for a few of her favorite things -her must do's- for the Dec trip. I will get those covered then go from there. I will plan the rest of trip after her list and then let her know she can do as much or as little of it as she likes. I will try to come up with favorite spots for meals for her as well-we have eaten almost everywhere so I think she will like that as well.

Several of you mention trying to get her involved with activities, meet friends, or it will all fall to me. I agree and have been making suggestions but it is always is meet with "maybe later, a few more months". I know she is lonely but she won't go out. She lives in a sr community-they have dances, movies, clubs, pools, groups of all kinds..,.been there 5 yrs and never obce went to a single activity. I suggested a new craft,hobby to learn-like at Michael's , or adult ed at the schools-nope. I hope in time that will change. I want her to find some friends for her own sake.

Thanks again! This really helps me!

She is depressed. My mother was a wreck the entire 1st year after my father died, and she had a group of friends that she was very social with, she just wasn't ready to face doing things alone. It takes time. It is even harder for someone that isn't naturally social. Just imagine everything she does she probably thinks, "I wish Bill were here," or "Bill would have loved this." It is very painful, and, really, 5 months is not a very long time, especially when someone has been your constant companion for how many years.

If she is paying her way, why can't you just explain to her what type of trip your May trip is going to be and let her decide if she still wants to come? Like explain, "We are going in May, but it is going to be a very busy trip, etc., etc."

She could then decide if she wanted to do the trip like she has in the past and meet you at certain times for certain things, or decide if she wanted to skip the trip because it may not be one that is enjoyable to her.

Just remember, you have many, many more years to travel with your kids, and, maybe, someday, grandkids. Your mother may not always have the ability to travel.

 

[Hikergirl]

She is depressed. My mother was a wreck the entire 1st year after my father died, and she had a group of friends that she was very social with, she just wasn't ready to face doing things alone. It takes time. It is even harder for someone that isn't naturally social. Just imagine everything she does she probably thinks, "I wish Bill were here," or "Bill would have loved this." It is very painful, and, really, 5 months is not a very long time, especially when someone has been your constant companion for how many years.

If she is paying her way, why can't you just explain to her what type of trip your May trip is going to be and let her decide if she still wants to come? Like explain, "We are going in May, but it is going to be a very busy trip, etc., etc."

She could then decide if she wanted to do the trip like she has in the past and meet you at certain times for certain things, or decide if she wanted to skip the trip because it may not be one that is enjoyable to her.

Just remember, you have many, many more years to travel with your kids, and, maybe, someday, grandkids. Your mother may not always have the ability to travel.

The thing is though, this isn't a vacation the OP's mom planned with her dh and now has to face it alone. This is a planned vacation the OP made for her and her dh and kids. She has already included her mom in 2 WDW vacations, there is nothing wrong with taking one without her. The OP can still help her mom through her grief in other ways.
I know if my dh ever dies before I do I hope my kids don't feel guilted into including me in everything they do as a family with their spouses and kids, especially if its something they have always done without me (or my dh) in the past.