How to handle guest's reactions?

[Madeese]

Hi everyone,

We are hoping to get married at Disney on October 13, 2007. I figured I would start telling some people and I am really shocked at some of the reactions I have been getting.

We are in NYC, and people almost seem angry that we are getting married in Florida. We completely understand that most people will not be able to make it, but it's almost like they resent us for putting them in a position.

Just wondering if anyone has encountered this. It really made me feel very small...

Thank you!
Madeese

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

I completely understand. I am getting married Aug 2007 and I live in Scotland. It will only be my fiance and I and already I have had people say that I am being selfish because none of my family can attend. To be honest though I always wanted a small intimate Wedding, after all it should be what you and your fiance want, not what family and friends want. Over here it is way too expensive, it's costing us much less to get married in Disney and have a 3 week honeymoon

Try not to let it bother you, I think many people get similar reactions. I'm having a reception when I get home for all the people that can't go.

 

[dannirose]

I'm sorry people are reacting negatively to your plans. We are also in NYC and while most people are looking forward to the wedding, some have voiced objections to the location, including my FMIL. Some of them have warmed up to the idea and some of them are still whining about it.

Our main decision for a destination wedding was the cost - we'd have close to 300 people if we got married in NY. Moving the wedding to Fl cuts us down to about 130 people, still large but we can handle that number.

My advice to you is if this is really what you want, go for it - no matter what you do someone is going to have objection to it, so you may as well do what you want!

 

[ButterflyBride]

Hello Madeese,

I am sorry to hear that you are meeting with such adversity when planning your big day. I had <and am currently having> the same exact problem, and, am also from NYC, it seems that NYC <tri-state area> families really take it personally when their children decide to be wed elsewhere...

I have to admit that I wanted to make everyone happy, and as much as people say oh it's not possible or you cannot worry about that, I did, I do, and there is nothing that I want to change about that because it has made me the person that I am today.. The best way compromise that my fiance and I were able to make with my parents is that we will have the huge wedding in Florida <as long as there is NOTHING Disney related ie. no Mickey, Minnie, etc..> and a month later have a "vow renewal" and a reception in Manhattan.. Our guest list for both events totals 315 and we will be listing both receptions on the invites hoping that more people will flock towards the Manhattan reception... To keep the cost of that reception down we have decided to have an extensive cocktail hour <I am Italian so it will be enormous!> followed by a gigantic Venetian Table + wedding cake & Flambe stations.. We will also have a photographer & DJ/band at this event.. It was the only way that I was able to please everyone, including myself...

Hope that helps a bit! Feel free to send me a PM if you would like to chat more, especially since I can totally relate!

Vanessa

 

[Madeese]

Thank you all very much!

I also try to make everyone happy, and I have no idea why! LOL My mom also suggested the idea of having the wedding in Florida and then a dinner in NY when we got back. We just had an engagement party and it was 150 people - it's outrageous!! NYC weddings are ridiculous prices!! Really exaggerated!

Thanks, everyone. I guess I just needed some support from others that share my wedding vision. People have a habit of only thinking of themselves I suppose.

Thanks again!!

 

[JandJ]

Good Luck! I'm glad your mom is going for it!

I think that is another reason I love how DH and I did our wedding - we wanted it small, I wanted Disney, and so we had a Disney Intimate wedding which was absolutely perfect! To make sure we had it our way, we paid for it ourselves. It takes away a lot of the "but you should do this" from parents/other relatives when they are not paying for any of it

 

[PirateKitty]

Thank you all very much!

I also try to make everyone happy, and I have no idea why! LOL My mom also suggested the idea of having the wedding in Florida and then a dinner in NY when we got back. We just had an engagement party and it was 150 people - it's outrageous!! NYC weddings are ridiculous prices!! Really exaggerated!

Thanks, everyone. I guess I just needed some support from others that share my wedding vision. People have a habit of only thinking of themselves I suppose.

Thanks again!!

You've got support here! I've been getting the same reactions since I got engaged and told people we'll be getting married in Florida. Our problem is I have a huge family, and my fiance does not. We both want a private wedding, but do plan on having a traditional reception for friends and family when we return. I'm just really frustrated with the looks that people give me when I mention Disney! Not sure what they have in mind when I say that...maybe they envision us getting married on Dumbo the Flying Elephant or something... They just don't get it...

 

[jojoandhb]

You know what, I had the same problem in the beginning. I tried to accomodate evryone. I was even trying to figure a way to help pay for airfare and hotels. I then considered a reception back home, which is something I did not want. There aren't any venues that really appeal to me, and I would have to do some magic with the seating plan since every other person hates each other
In the end, my sister-in-law explained to me that this is the one and only time in my life when I am REQUIRED to be selfish. That is hard for me. I may be opinionated and a little outspoken, but inside I'm a real softy, and I wanted everyone to come to my wedding. You have to do what you want. If you try to please everyone else, you won't be happy, and I guarantee you won't be able to please them all anyway. Anyone who truly loves you will want you to have your day your way, and those that can come will. I have to admit that I was surprised at the way weddings bring out the worst in some people.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

hello! fellowe NYer here!

i have gotten nothing but negative reactions from my whole entire family.

my mother keeps complaining that it's way too much money to even bother going down there. she also feels the urge to tell me "no one wants to go to this wedding anyway, why bother". and i also invited her and my father, along with my future in-laws to go down with us when we start setting things up, but my mother just says "oh i don't think i want to bother with it". needless to say, my mother isn't really the nicest person to me. she also keeps harping on "don't you want a church wedding? you should be married in a church." ......right.....because she's one of the greatest christian women i've ever met ::rolls eyes::

my uncle who buys a surplus of movies every week and got a LOT of money from when his sister passed away, is suddenly claiming "i have no money" and is complaining that the real reason we're having it there is because we don't want him there. right......we planned the whole thing around him.

and then there's my sister, who is supposed to be my MOH and her family who are all supposed to be in the wedding party(so that's 4 people all together) claims that she can't save up some money for the next 2 years and go down there for at least a few nights for my wedding. but yet she can blow money on things like digital cameras and websites.

so yes.....i know EXACTLY how you are feeling. they are all angry with me for having my wedding in Florida. just keep your head up and reminding yourself "this is my day, i'm going to remember this day for the rest of my life, and it's their loss if they don't go"

 

[Laurafoster]

I have had the same problem, we are from the UK and whilst all of my family are really supportive and all that were invited are attending the wedding, My fiance was not so lucky - his family were telling us we are selfish, and trying to get us to have the wedding her - they even went as far as to say "if you have an at home wedidng we'll help you pay for it!"

 

[liberty]

How i see it is; most people only plan on getting married once right..and it's suppose to be the happiest day of your life!.,.so do what you want!..and not what everyone else wants...they'll get there turn at getting married...or has had there day, now it's your turn!. I no what you mean though, it is very akward trying to please everyone!

 

[Madeese]

Hey everyone,

Thanks so much for all the replies! I am sorry to hear that so many of us are going through the same experience. It's not a pleasant feeling at all!

Thanks for the encouragement! When it comes down to it, I guess I am a big softy too because I try to make everyone happy, even though I know it's MY day and no one else's. Well, maybe my fiance!

The more I look, learn, and listen, I realize that some people just make every situation "about them" and not about anyone else. I would never, ever make someone feel bad about where they would like to have their wedding! People really do have some nerve sometimes!

Thank you for all your support and friendship!!! We'll all hang in there together!!

 

[bridegirl]

Let me offer some perspective from an old married girl -

There's nothing like your wedding (except later when you have babies) - to make people focus on THEMSELVES and not on YOU.

It's really amazing and yet I have experienced it over and over again.

I had the FMIL who said she "wouldnt come to the wedding unless I re-did the seating chart according to her wishes"

I had the step father who "would be devastated if he didn't walk me up the aisle"

I had my sister who said "I wouldn't be really married in the eyes of god if it didn't take place in a church"

On and on, just like we all do.

THEN, someone gave me the really really valuable advice - to think of this time of life like a bridge I was crossing over, and that all the drama is from the pain of bonds being broken as a girl from one family becomes a woman with her own new family.

All this wedding stuff is the perfect time to lay the groundwork for the kind of life you want for your own new family. And you are entitled to make that be exactly what you want.

If you give in now, it will just set the pattern for everything - "You guys need to come to our house for the holidays", "We want the baby's birthday party at our house and not the other grandparents" - it's never ending!

Discuss with your FH what works best FOR YOUR NEW FAMILY and then stick to your guns- together.

It's hard, and there may be tears, or shouting, but stay calm and just repeat over and over "FH and I have discussed this, and although we appreciate your opinion, we have made the decision that works best for us, we hope you can understand/be happy for us".

It's your day!!!!! (Hopefully) your only wedding day ever! Make it be everything you want, a celebration of your and your loved one, and don't let anyone take the joy of this time of life away from you.

Pixie dust,

Susy

 

[Madeese]

Thank you Susy, and everyone!

I guess when you are a really laoid back person like I am, you don't even think that the decisions you make now will affect the way situations are handled in the future. But it seems very true.

I hate to say it, but I think people are jealous too! Especially women that seem to think that their wedding was the "BEST"! It becomes like anything else, a competition. And I hate that because I am not the competitive type. I feel like people should just be happy for you and leave it at that.

We are hoping to get married on Oct 13, 2007. Obviously, I will not know for sure until next month at least. I have tried to just start letting people know so that they have as much notice as possible. I guess as we start to spread the word about the wedding, I will get better and better at handling people's various reactions.

Thank you so much for your advice! I guess it becomes somewhat of a sticky situation! But you all are making me feel better every day!

Thank you again!!

 

[Funniebunny]

Hi, I'm sorry that you are getting these kind of reactions.

We are having an intimate WDW wedding in Nov 07 and as other UK brides have said this didn't go down too well. My Fiance's parents don't want to travel that far so they will not be able to attend. To try and make all parties happy we are looking at having a blessing and reception when we get back.

The reason for this decision is due to the fact that I have been married before. In 2000 I got married at the tender age of 21. I totally believed that I would only get married the once and it would be happy, so I had the big white wedding in the UK. We had all the family attend the church wedding and country house hotel reception. Admittedly I did feel like a princess on the day, although there was much heartache in the run up to the wedding. I have lost count of the arguments I had with my parents over venues and guest lists etc. 3 years down the road and my husband got a new job which would mean that he had to live away for most of the week, sadly we drifted apart and separated. Luckily we are still on very good terms and I went to his wedding earlier this year.

All of this made me realise it doesn't matter how or where you get married as long as it's to the person you love and want to spend your life with. My fiance and I always had spoken about a wedding abroad and had looked at various options, then one day I saw the DFTW website and I sent him a link. As soon as we realised it was in our budget we started planning. I maybe selfish but I didn't bother me that people might not want to come as the day is for David and I, no one else. We are pleased that we have 6 guests that can attend inc his brother who will be best man. After all this woffling I guess my point is do what you guys want, it's your day and it's about you guys promising to love one another for the rest of your lives.

 

[pixie dust 112]

Hi! I'm an old married lady (22 years). Here's what I would do when people react badly! I would tell them "This is my dream wedding and part of the dream wedding is to have you there with us on our special day. This is why I am giving you so much advance notice. I so hope you can swing coming to the wedding, but if not, we will miss you but we definitely understand."

 

[pixie08]

Hello from a fellow NYer!

I thought this was good advice....

Hi! I'm an old married lady (22 years). Here's what I would do when people react badly! I would tell them "This is my dream wedding and part of the dream wedding is to have you there with us on our special day. This is why I am giving you so much advance notice. I so hope you can swing coming to the wedding, but if not, we will miss you but we definitely understand."

That is exactly what we said. We phrased it that way to our family at our engagement party. Then we sent out our own save the date package with info of how this wedding will happen, where our hotels etc. Turns out people are more excited than I thought. At first people just looked at us and said oh ok. Now it turns out we may be having many more people than we anticipated coming! I think once people are informed and educated that this will be a 'real' wedding and that they can have a goood time and great discounts they turn it into a reason to take a family vacation. Now if someone close told us they couldn't come which has happened already (my Dh2b's 1st cousins wife is pregenant) then I understand. I won't make them feel badly because they can't afford it or whatever. I tell them I wish you can come but I fully understand and you will bne missed. I recieved good advice from my mom (which fro me is sometimes hard to follow) and I will pass it on to you- "you get more bees with honey than vinegar" Good luck.

 

[Madeese]

You guys are really helping me, and you are all right!!

I don't know why I feel bad when others make comments - I thought at the age of 28 I was too old for that. But I am learning to just let it be. I completely understand if people cannot make it but that won't stop me from having my Disney dream wedding!

We recently had an engagement party where quite a few people came, ate and drank and left! Didn't even talk to us or dance, or anything. I thought, there is NO WAY I am paying at least $400 a couple for people that just were more interested in the open bar than in celebrating with us!!


It is their loss if they can't come...

Now my only worry is that we will get the day and time that we want. Any advice? This is making me very nervous!!


THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYONE!!

 

[dannirose]

Now my only worry is that we will get the day and time that we want. Any advice? This is making me very nervous!!


THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVERYONE!!

Have you tried calling DFTW at all? Perhaps you can get "pencilled in".

 

[Madeese]

I am already "penicled in". Does that do any good?

Thanks!