How to deal with a competitive friend

[ChrisnSteph]

I have a friend, we'll call her Beth. We met several years ago when she married my dh's childhood friend. Anyhow, Beth is one those people who has to one-up me on everything! If I say I shop at Wal-Mart, she'll go into a rant about why Wal-Mart is horrible. If I say I buy Vans shoes for my boys, she'll tell me why DC's are cooler. If I say I got this incredibly good deal on something somewhere, she'll tell me where I could have gotten an even better deal. If I have white appliances, she'll get stainless and tell me that "they look so much classier than white". If I buy an RV trailer, she'll buy a bigger one (than turn around and sell it 6 months later). If I highlight my hair, she'll tell me that she got low lights because that's the newest "thing". If I shop at Vons she'll tell me how Albertson's is better. If I tell her I want a booob job, she'll suddenly want one and go even bigger than I would have. See what I mean? She calls me only if it's to tell me about the latest and greatest thing she's bought for herself, be it her clothes, things for her house, whatever. She's buying a new house and is bragging about every upgrade it has, and she constantly drops how it's a "custom" home. It's not - it's really a spec home - but I don't argue with her. She constantly puts down where I live, where I shop, what I buy - but not directly. She has her subtle ways of doing it! I love her as a friend, but I feel like I'm constantly in some competition with her, and it's so easy to get caught up in it. But it's draining, and I want her to be able to call and talk about anything other than what she's bought, or things like that. I've even caught her in a few little lies here and there! I've gotten to the point that I'm avoiding her calls. Ending the friendship with Beth isn't an option because of my dh's friendship with her dh, and I dread speaking to her about this because she's a confrontational person and I know it wouldn't go over very well. How can I get her to stop trying to drag me into some competition with her?

 

[Mimi Q]

With friends like that, who needs enemies? I really don't think you can change a person who's like that. Good luck.

 

[kpm76]

I know what you mean!! I have a friend that is exactly like what you described. I have realized (with DH's help) that there is nothing I can do to change the situation....it's something within her. More than likely, it's an insecurity. If someone is truly happy and content, they have no need to bring others down and/or compete. I have significantly cut back on the time we spend together because I just could not take it all the time. Good luck!!!

 

[EthansMom]

Wow, Beth sounds like a replica of one of my relatives!!!!!!! Every time we go on vacation to WDW, our relative goes to WDW within a couple months. Every time I get a good deal on clothes for the kids, I have to listen to my relative got a better deal on better clothes. Like your friend, my relative is in the process of building a house.

The back story is that my relative really can't afford the lifestyle they are living.... well, they can, but only just. One serious illness or injury or a downturn in the economy and the relative's entire family could be out on the street.

In my case, I've learned to just not discuss anything with this relative. Yes, it makes it difficult to carry on a conversation when you don't talk about much. But it gets tiring listen to someone try to "one-up" every single thing out of your mouth. Even in a conversation about what we're having for dinner, I'll say, "I'm baking chicken for dinner," and my relative will say,"Oh, well, we're having steak!" Please!

 

[mommaU4]

Okay, first of all can you change her name to Olga or something??

I had a high school friend who was just like what you described. To a T. If I went to a new restaurant, well, she'd already been there and didn't even like it. That sort of thing.

She and I were friends for a long time. From about 8th grade thru our mid 20's. I really liked her as a friend and there were moments when she was just great. But I too got tired of the constant one-up-manship. The only thing that enabled me to be her friend for so long was that I knew where her comments stemmed from and that was a low self-esteem.

Most people who are like that are suffering from a low self-esteem and the only way they can feel good about themselves is to knock someone else down. But after awhile it was too much and I had it out with her one day. Just told her how she acted and how she came across. I wish I could say it all ended well but it didn't.

She stopped speaking to me and we didn't talk again for years. I've talked to her once or twice since then but she is still the same and I know she will never change. I know we will never be friends again. It's sad but the older I got the more I realized I didn't want to surround myself with people like that.

I know you said breaking off the friendship is not an option for you though. That's a tough one. Have you talked to your DH about it? Just because the 2 guys are friends doesn't mean you two have to be. I would cool things with her for awhile. Maybe make excuses why you cannot see her. I would tell you to lay it all on the line for her, but if she is anything like the friend I had, that may only make things worse.


I would just try to take a break from her for awhile and really think if it is worth it to you to have this person in your life. Cause a true friend doesn't treat you like that.

Good luck!

 

[RitaZ.]

It's simple, she is insecure. She is proving her worth through material things. I found that friendships like that tend to fade over time, it gets old after a while. Since that doesn't sound like an option for you, then work on not engaging her. Let her brag all she wants, listen to her, then say, "That's nice" and change the subject. Hopefully, she will eventually get "it".

Remember this quote, I think it was said by Gore Vidal: It's not enough to succeed, others must fail. It always puts this kind of insecure behavior in perspective for me.

 

[Mishetta]

Yes, she is insecure & my Mom would have said that she is jealous of you too. I had a friend like that too. She's actually still my friend but I do keep my distance because it's downright annoying. I don't care if she has better than me....more power to her!

 

[dg39]

I don't think you'll be able to change her. If she's confrontational and you don't want to get into it with her, there's not much you can do. I would keep from telling her anything more then is necessary and just be pleasant when I'm in her company. I would take some of her calls and avoid some. Being the husbands are friends you don't want to stop their friendship. Good luck and just take her callousness with a grain of salt.

 

[beckmrk04]

My mom is like this. She always has a better deal, or story, or way to do things... Drives me bananas. But, you probably know why she does those things. Maybe she didn't have much growing up and now this is how she shows everyone that she has "made it" so to speak.

I would try not to focus on it. It doesn't really matter in the long run who shops where or what shoes your kids have right now. Those aren't the important things in life. It sounds like you know that. If you really don't think you can talk to her about it, I would go with everyone else's advice and just ignore her when she makes the comments.

 

[twocjsmom]

Dealing with the same thing with my across the street neighbor. Incrediblt competitiveness, and its pretty sad cause now she's using her three kids to demonstrate how much better she is - signing them up for all sorts of extra activities (mind you they are 6, 3 and 1 1/2) and putting down whatever we are involved with. My 5 year old DS has actually been told her her oldest that the school that we sened out son to stinks compared to his. Wonder where he got that idea? Fortunately, one of my other neighbors who I am friends with is seeing it too, whichis great for venting, but also has helped me to be able to step back a bit from the relationship with the competitive one. I used to get really annoyed about it, but finally got to a point where I decided it just isnt worth it. We're still friendly, but its not the same.

Good luck with your friend scenario. It took my quite some time to realize that the energy I was wasting on trying to figure my neighbor out was just plain a waste.

 

[Mom2be]

Since ending the friendship isn't possible, and you don't want to risk confronting her about it, you will just have to quit playing the game. Don't talk to her about the things you buy. We have to do that with my SIL - everything is a competition with her, and extremely annoying. Learn to change the subject or just say, "Oh I didn't pay attention to how much it cost." I know it sucks to censor yourself but it is either that or go insane from the constant competition.

~Amanda

 

[Nancy]

Sounds like my SIL...I just stopped telling her things. I refuse to tell her I'm back on Weight Watchers cause last time she had to join too and let everyone know that she was losing more weight than me!

 

[Stitchfans]

Sounds just my SIL also. It is to the point were I don't pay attention to it any more. I just nod and say oh that's nice.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have had friendships like that except it was BARGAIN SHOPPERS! They would try and one-up my "expensive" purchases and how they got a better deal.
I don't know which is worse!

How do you stop her from dragging you into it?
You have to accept her answers and move one. Use words like oh, interesting, nice, what a great deal, etc... Over time you will find out that they are NOT even paying attention to you!!!

From time to time you can say things as a joke and they will go on & on....and then you can yell..."gotcha, I was just kidding." (If you are brave).

 

[bettyann29]

I believe over time the friendship would end.. I wouldnt volunteer any info to her about things you have bought or plan on buying.. maybe she'll take the hint.. But probably not because people like that thrive on stuff like that.. I had a friend like that and I cut ties with her.. I found myself doing things to try to top her and then she'd try to outdo me.. and so on.... I got tired of competing and severed that relationship..