How old were your kids when you had the "talk"?

[lurkernj]

When DS13 was in third grade he was watching family feud and the topic was something about what you would find in a man's medicine cabinet. One of the answers was CONDOMS. He of course asked what they were, I just said it's something you wear when you become a man. A few days later, he's complaining about his armpits itching and I mentioned that maybe he is getting the beginnings of puberty and gave a brief description of what happens during puberty. He wanted to know if this means he gets to wear condoms now ! So we entered into a brief discussion about what a condom is actually used for. He was so grossed out! Definitely sooner than I planned, but if you wait too long, they aren't going to be comfortable talking about it, so start early and continue the dialogue.

I had the talk with DS10 last year too. Occasionally they will come out with a question and I just answer matter-of-factly. I was recently asked by my 10 year old what hookers and pimps were (I am assuming because of halloween costumes), I just said a hooker is a girl who gets paid to have sex, and a pimp is the guy who collects the money for her, then we moved onto what was for dinner.

 

[lntsmom]

My older son got the basics when he was 6...when I was pregnant with his brother. I got that book...The Making of Me, I think. However, the whole in-depth thing including pregnancy, birth, birth control, moral implications, etc, waited until he was in 5th grade- 11.

My church offered a parent/child class hosted by the local Child Abuse Prevention Agency. It was very direct, included info about male and female puberty, and other issues that were of more interest than the nitty gritty to kids that age. BTW...they offered 2 classes, one for boys, one for girls, so there wasn't a mixed audience.

My only complaint was that some of the information wasn't Catholic enough. If I'm talking to an 11 year old, I want him to get the party line. When he's older we can begin talking real life application.

Luckily for me, he's just turned 13 and has no interest in girls yet, but he's most of the way through puberty, so I know it won't be long!

 

[monkey68]

I think with boys, things start to change around age 10, so changes may have already started to happen to your son, he might just be too embarrassed to say anything.

I don't have any kids, but I remember when my mom had "the talk" with me. Only she never really had the talk, I kinda just learned everything from my sister. But when I was 15, we were driving in the car, and she was telling me she heard on the radio about a 27 year old virgin, and couldn't believe she was still waiting for marriage. I went because my mom always told me to wait until marriage. So I asked her at what age should I no longer be a virgin. She tells me wait until marriage. So i said what if I'm 27 and not married? You better not be a virgin. Basically, it went back and forth for a while this way, and then she basically told me that I will have to be married before 27.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Starting last year when the girls were 7 & 8. Although it's not one talk, they've been asking questions since they were much younger and I've always answered and explained as fully and appropriately as possible. Last year I brought a book home from the library (can't remember the name, look on amazon for recommendations), and went through it with them. They found the section on, um, dingalings (we used proper names but they'd (ironically) get blanked out here) most amusing! . We talk about it enough that it's no big deal for them to ask questions. Which is what my intention is, totally. I want them to be able to come to me and say, hey mom, how come my X is doing Y???

 

[Deb & Bill]

When my son was about 9 or 10, we were on our way home from school and work and happened to see two dogs. He noticed them and said look at the funny dogs. So it just came out then. When I was finished, he said, "Oh, Mom, that is so gross."

 

[SILLYANDI]

My DD has been seeing a pedi endocrinologist for possible precocious puberty.... she's 8 and began developing a little over a year ago I bought her the book from AG "The Care and Keeping of You"..... (it's for girls~I haven't seen anything similar for boys, but then again, I don't have boys so I haven't really looked very hard ) I asked her to read it and then talk to me with all the questions she had....She got scared of what she was reading and won't take the book out any more , so I'm going to have to sit down one of these days and talk to my innocent little girl who still plays with dolls about what's going to be happening VERY soon

(((HUGS)))

Scary this is the same thing that happened to my DD10 when I gave her the book. Now I'm the one freaking out because I keep waiting for a good "opportunity" to discuss it (nothing else is off limits at our house and we've talked about animals mating-just haven't related that to people ...)

I'm so glad this thread is here..keep'em coming

 

[Minniemouse07]

I picked up a great book when dd (now 7yo) was an infant... yes infant!!

It is called From Diapers to Dating: A Parent's Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children, by Debra W. Haffner.

The book is really great. The author is a sexuality educator and is a HUGE proponent of never having only one "big talk." She recommends ongoing smaller talks that are age appropriate and take advantage of "teachable moments."

She also advocates using correct terminology for body parts from the get go.

I really like it and we have used her guidelines w/ both of our kids (dd-7yo & ds-almost 3yo).

There is a list of resources in the book for additional books and websites for more info.

HTH

 

[rparmfamily]

We also have an open dialogue with our children and 2nd grader knows mommy has an egg and daddy has sperm and they join together to a big cell that mulitplies, grows and develops into a baby,etc. She knows that when she is a young teenager her body will start to change, but she doesn't know exactly how the sperm got in mommy,etc. I'm not ready for that, or rather, I'm not sure how to describe that in an age appropriate way.

 

[scootch]

My daughter just turned 9 and we haven't discussed it yet. I did buy the American girl book and thought about giving it to her after the first of the year. I was HUGELY embarrassed when my mom tried to tell me about it, so I know that has something to do with me feeling ackward about it. I also had three brothers and was the only girl, so that made it harder to. I think your husband would probably be better to do it than you. Maybe even just start with stuff about developing pubic hair, ect.... good luck.. sounds like many of us need it!

 

[baloo's girl]

We have the ongoing, age appropriate dialog with our children who are 3 and 6. My dd(6) is taking a class called Our Whole Lives Sexuality which has been a great supplement to our home dialog. We own the book It's So Amazing by Robie Harris. Both my kids enjoy reading the book with us.

 

[rparmfamily]

Thanks for the book suggestions.

 

[Shelton123]

Well I am a teen guy, and my advice is to teach them little by little. Like when they're 5 or 6, tell them how people kiss when they love eachother. At 7 or 8 tell them about dating, and homosexuality. At 10 or 11, tell them about... the rest.

 

[SLK1]

My DS was 12 when DH had the talk with him (I made sure he didn't turn it into some "science experiment", but to include the love part too). Well, we were all relieved and that was great. The following week, I found out - surprise of all surprises - I was pregnant!! It was really strange telling our kids we were expecting a baby and DS KNEW HOW IT GOT THERE!!! Very freaky. But, he's a very open and honest kid and it didn't scar him for life...that we know of anyway!!!

 

[ToddyLu]

What a great topic. (DH and I do not have children) My mother and father are still infactuated with each other 43 years later. I remember being 7 or 8, I am 40 now, and having her sit me down on her bed and she drew a picture of a uterus and ovaries. Now, I am sure I asked a question to provoke this conversation. So it started there and I remember my younger brother coming in later--he was 5 and listening. So that started it, every few months something would come up--a pregnancy of a friend or later in junior high a class mate--that would lead to further discussions. When I was about 11 she ordered me an actual sex ed kit in a huge box. It had transparencies and book as well as sanitary products. Yes, I was embarrassed, but I did read the info and every now and then she would ask me what I thought. I even came home in 7th grade and asked what h**ny meant too. She told me it was a feeling that two married people get when they are away from each other and cannot kiss or hold each other--satisfied that curiosity. I always remember her being matter of fact and not laughing at me. I am sure my Dad talked to my brother--only my brother didn't listen too well-heehee--he and his wife have 5 children from ages 15 to 3 months---anyway, back on subject. Just be honest, heck you read the book first and then ask some questions to see what he learned in a way that you know he read the book. When my 2 friends had question at least I could tell them they were wrong, and watch there faces. Good luck which ever path you choose.

 

[poohnpigletCA]

6

Of course there is a story that goes along with that. Our youngest dd had a horrible fever/stomach virus. While waiting for the pediatrician to come into the tiny exam room I was trying to get the youngest comfortable. The 6 yo was sitting on the floor reading the basket of children books on the floor.

I would glance over to her and make comments, ask questions about the books she was reading while trying to make sure youngest was not going to puke. Then I look down and see her reading a pop-up book. I ask her about the book and then glance down at the pictures.

It was a Dr. Ruth pop-up sex education book. Not exactly how I was planing it but once she was reading it I did not want to rip it out of her hands. Now we just have follow up talks.

 

[java]

We started having "TALKS" not a talk with our kids at around 3- just general stuff - age appropriate. So that when they got older we didn't have to have a sit down an cover it all. It helped my kids feel open about asking ?'s which my daughter particularly asks. oldest son does too sometimes and not being by what he says is the key. I just answer honestly and openly.

At 11 I would think you need to really start with a "changing body" kind of talk basics on deodorant and hair kind of stuff. Then girls.

The running joke in our family is that I am the sex talk person- I have given "the talk" to my sister and my neice when I realized at 14 they had no idea!!(I talked to sil first and she said go ahead so I did) Hey it's just sex. If it is this big mysterious thing it makes it all the more appealing.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Well I am a teen guy, and my advice is to teach them little by little. Like when they're 5 or 6, tell them how people kiss when they love eachother. At 7 or 8 tell them about dating, and homosexuality. At 10 or 11, tell them about... the rest.

Hah, honey, the day I take parenting advice from a teenage boy is the day Disney opens its newest attraction: Striptease in 4D.

Stick to what ya know, kid.

 

[Ms.Grumpy]

My parents never gave me the talk, in fact none of the girls in my extended family ever got the talk. I have a younger brother and I decided to have the talk with him. He was 12 years old and I sat him in front of the computer and image searched male STD's. I know that this might be harsh for some but we live in an urban area where children know more than they should. Fast forward five years and he still comes to me with questions. He asked me to buy him condoms and I did. I am proud that he understands that he must be responsible when making these decisions. Everyone knows their child and the environment that they are in, just trust your gut feelings.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Hah, honey, the day I take parenting advice from a teenage boy is the day Disney opens its newest attraction: Striptease in 4D.

Stick to what ya know, kid.

Excuse me, but that's rude! The poor kid was just trying to tell people (who ASKED, by the way) at what ages HE would not have been embarrased to have his parents talk to him about these sort of things. I think it's exactly the kind of close-to-the-situation information the OP was looking for. And in my opinion (as an adult and a parent) "a little bit at a time" is exactly the correct answer!

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Excuse me, but that's rude! The poor kid was just trying to tell people (who ASKED, by the way) at what ages HE would not have been embarrased to have his parents talk to him about these sort of things. I think it's exactly the kind of close-to-the-situation information the OP was looking for. And in my opinion (as an adult and a parent) "a little bit at a time" is exactly the correct answer!

The OP asked "So how old was your son/daughter when you had the talk? Any good books or videos I can lead with and then invite questions/discussions? I am not looking forward to this so any help would be appreciated."

Shelton123 did not relate his experience, which would have been pertinent, he was giving advice like he was an expert: "my advice is to teach them little by little. Like when they're 5 or 6, tell them how people kiss when they love eachother. At 7 or 8 tell them about dating, and homosexuality. At 10 or 11, tell them about... the rest"

Again, he's not a parent, he's not a mother, so I think he should stick to what he knows, which is not how/when to give children talks about sex. Like all things on message boards, it's JMO.

And FWIW, I think his advice about teaching the emotional/social aspects of sex before the mechanics, or "the rest" as he refers to it, is completely bass-ackwards according to just about every parenting book I've ever read AND my direct experience with kids. They want to know HOW stuff works before they want to know WHY stuff works.

Again, JMO...