How Often Do Your Kids Play With Their Friends?

[Hannathy]

In the summer from morning till dark and sometimes later. They are between 4-5 houses all day Never 100% which house they are at. They come home when they are hungry or will eat at whoever' s house they happen to have landed at. during school, if it is nice after they get home and snacks then out till supper and if not a lot of homework out again for a while. In the winter sometimes after school but now they have sports and activities so it is more like Sunday afternoon and Saturdays if at home. Before they started school usually everyday He was at someones house/yard or they were here.

 

[perdidochas]

I posted this over on the CB too, but threads get buried so fast there I thought I'd try here too!

My DS is 8, so I guess I'm wondering mostly about that age group.

The reason I ask is this..

We moved into a neighborhood just a few months ago. Within a few weeks of our move this little boy from down the street..he's 5 BTW..started showing up wanting to play with DS.

No big deal..he seems nice...he parents seem ok..other than they let him wander the neighborhood alone.

Here's the rub..he's been coming over EVERYDAY!! It is just getting on my nerves so bad!

He'll come down just as soon as he steps off the bus, and stay until someone comes to get him usually around 6:30pm.

Now he's gotten where he is coming into my kitchen and going through our pantry everyday wanting candy. His parents have no problem with this??

Tell him that's against your rules, and shoo him out of your kitchen.

DH tried to talk to the dad and tell him that weekends (at least) are our family time..hint..hint! They resonded by skipping Sat. and sending him down on Sun.!

Send him home, saying you are busy.

Now here he is over again today..SICK!! He is upstairs hacking and coughing after walking down here in the RAIN!!

I really don't know what to do. DS likes playing with him even though there's the pretty big age difference. I just think this is becoming excessive, and feel we're being taken advantage of.

Any thoughts??

Send him home when you've had enough. Also, send your son over to their house a few times.

 

[Brier Rose]

Send him home when you've had enough. Also, send your son over to their house a few times.

I don't know these people AT ALL. I mean..I know thier names and where they live, but that's it!

That's one of the reasons I am so shocked these kids come over to our house because NONE of their parents know us. I mean we could be sitting here smokin crack and watching x rated movies while the kids get into our liquor cabinet for all they know! (we're not of course..we always wait until the kids leave!)

I would never EVER entrust my kids to someone I don't know.

 

[Chris]

My kids play w/there friends daily. But I do sympathize with you~ we have 3 little girls who live 2 streets away who show up every day w/out fail.
It annoys me at times but I know they have a horrible home life <DSS has been involved, LOOOOng story> anyway, they were making themselves at home TOO often so I did lay some ground rules etc. I guess I'm just used to it now~plus knowing what is at home for them makes it easier now.

Good luck though, there is no way that they would be coming here sick. I'd tell him he can come up on _____ day for a while to play but your son has other things he needs to get done during the week.

 

[FinallyBoughtDVC]

This was an issue with my oldest - not my younger two (the demographics of our neighborhood changed). My bigger problem this year was a mother who just invited her son over - she'd call and ask for him to come here...omg, it drove me nuts (I had posted on the CB board about it). I told her that after her son being here 6 times in a row, we expected an invitation for our dd to go to her home - we haven't heard from her in 3 weeks.

Anyway - I'm hijacking your thread. Some kids are bold and bored and really don't know any better. I had one neighborhood boy that would just walk in my house - - I'd kill my kids if they did that. I just got blunt with them. There's no way in hell I'd let a kid who's hacking and coughing into my house - bad enough I have to let my own stay here when they're in that condition.

Also, I would tell the parents that you would prefer their child not come over unless invited first - that it's disruptive to your schedule, it's not fair to put you in the position of being the bad guy, and that, from now on, when this child comes over he will be turned around and sent home.

What's the worst that can happen...the parents decide they don't like you?

 

[TaraPA]

We have the EXACT same situation going on over here! I actually get stressed out on days off of school or weekends - today we are off because of snow & I took the phone off the hook when DH left for work at 7 - because there is one boy in our neighborhood who starts calling at 8am to come over! Today he was at the door ringing the bell by 10 since our line was busy. In summer he just shows up all the time, it drives me nuts. His mom, who is a good friend of mine, thinks this is 100% ok. He is totally spoiled & unsupervised, and I am the complete opposite. My kids have rules to follow & I expect their friends to follow the same rules. They are never allowed to be in the development out of my sight (off our property -they can play unsupervised in our yard) without an adult (they are 6 & 9) & this kid wanders day & night - he has actually been missing several times that they couldn't find him for hours! This boy is sneaky & disrespectful - I've caught him lying many many times, making prank calls from my house, running around on other neighbor's private property and being very destructive both inside & outside of our brand new home. One day DH caught him digging deep holes in the brand new macadam driveway for fun. Another time he took apart DS's skateboard with DH's power tools!!!!! I sent him home & he lied & told his mom that I said it was ok for him to use the power tools, and when I told her that absolutely was not true she said "well he must have misunderstood." WHAT?!?!? My own kids know better than that! Next time I will punish him as I punish my own & he surely won't "misunderstand!" Everytime I have sent him home & when I talk to his mom she claims her son did no wrong & just buys his lies. He really has her wrapped around his finger. It has gotten to the point where my son has been grounded for an entire month for the trouble he has gotten into with this boy. I truly enjoy the friendship I have with the mom but her son is really straining it. I have been trying to keep my distance lately, and have even found myself making excuses and little white lies at the bus stop of why my kids can't play. That is so wrong for me to be this stressed out over someone else's kid that I have to lie! The kicker is, my boys love to also play with another boy in the neighborhood, and I don't mind him being here one bit - he listens & they all get along well. So how do I ban my kids from playing with just the naughty boy - when he & his mom can see that my kids do play with other kids? I was hoping she'd get the hint by now buy I guess not. Help - I need advice on how to stop this kid from coming over, yet salvaging the friendship with the mom!

 

[Brier Rose]

We have the EXACT same situation going on over here! I actually get stressed out on days off of school or weekends - today we are off because of snow & I took the phone off the hook when DH left for work at 7 - because there is one boy in our neighborhood who starts calling at 8am to come over! Today he was at the door ringing the bell by 10 since our line was busy. In summer he just shows up all the time, it drives me nuts. His mom, who is a good friend of mine, thinks this is 100% ok. He is totally spoiled & unsupervised, and I am the complete opposite. My kids have rules to follow & I expect their friends to follow the same rules. They are never allowed to be in the development out of my sight (off our property -they can play unsupervised in our yard) without an adult (they are 6 & 9) & this kid wanders day & night - he has actually been missing several times that they couldn't find him for hours! This boy is sneaky & disrespectful - I've caught him lying many many times, making prank calls from my house, running around on other neighbor's private property and being very destructive both inside & outside of our brand new home. One day DH caught him digging deep holes in the brand new macadam driveway for fun. Another time he took apart DS's skateboard with DH's power tools!!!!! I sent him home & he lied & told his mom that I said it was ok for him to use the power tools, and when I told her that absolutely was not true she said "well he must have misunderstood." WHAT?!?!? My own kids know better than that! Next time I will punish him as I punish my own & he surely won't "misunderstand!" Everytime I have sent him home & when I talk to his mom she claims her son did no wrong & just buys his lies. He really has her wrapped around his finger. It has gotten to the point where my son has been grounded for an entire month for the trouble he has gotten into with this boy. I truly enjoy the friendship I have with the mom but her son is really straining it. I have been trying to keep my distance lately, and have even found myself making excuses and little white lies at the bus stop of why my kids can't play. That is so wrong for me to be this stressed out over someone else's kid that I have to lie! The kicker is, my boys love to also play with another boy in the neighborhood, and I don't mind him being here one bit - he listens & they all get along well. So how do I ban my kids from playing with just the naughty boy - when he & his mom can see that my kids do play with other kids? I was hoping she'd get the hint by now buy I guess not. Help - I need advice on how to stop this kid from coming over, yet salvaging the friendship with the mom!

OMG!
I think I'll take my problem over yours!

I have no idea what I would do in your shoes..heck you see how hard of a time I'm having with my situation which doesn't sound near as bad as yours.

At least I don't have to worry about this boys parents because we're not friends.

Maybe someone here has had to deal with a similar situation and can give you some advice.

 

[TaraPA]

I'm just glad to read most of these posts & see that it's not just me that stresses over playdates! My husband says that's just how it is in a development, but I like my privacy & I like my kids to come home to do their homework & veg out with me in the afternoons, and have their quiet time too. I think kids need playdates - but every single day is too much. I also like to know where they are at all times - they're only 6 & 9 for crying out loud! Brier Rose - about when the kid came over that was sick - oh I sympathize with you! That's awful! I think I would have sent him back home & made a phone call saying nicely "Joe is on his way back home because he's not feeling well & we have XYZ coming up this weekend that we just can't take the chance of getting sick for. " Blech!!

 

[FinallyBoughtDVC]

Help - I need advice on how to stop this kid from coming over, yet salvaging the friendship with the mom!

See, I don't see a friendship here. My friends know how I feel and honor that. About everything.

Your "friend" is blowing you off EVERYtime you tell her what is going on in YOUR home with HER son.

She couldn't care less.

Not much of a friend. I would be brutally honest with her and say, "Here's the deal - we have a bunch of issues here that need to be resolved. I treasure our friendship, but I have had it up to my eyeballs with your son and his behavior when he is at my home. I'd like to discuss this with you and come to some type of resolution."

If she tells you to bug off - she wasn't a friend. If she's a true friend, she'll listen to you.

More importantly - as the mother of two boys (18 and almost 14) - your bigger concern should be the trouble your son finds himself in with this boy. Obviously, this child has a devilish streak - today he's digging holes and being a brat - in a few years - he'll move on to more destructive behavior and actions. Is your friendship with this boy's "mother" so important that you're willing to give up even a little bit of what makes you a good mother to your own son? Obviously - you're a great mom - don't ever doubt that for one second and let anyone take that power away from you.

There were boys my sons were forbidden to play with. If it meant they had to stay in when the rest of the neighborhood was out playing - too bad. I knew these boys were bad news (all from the same, dysfunctional family) and I wanted no part of it. Sure enough - a few years went by and one boy was arrested for assault, the other suspended dozens of times for so many things - the parents were clueless..."oh no, not my child..."

From my own experiences - put your foot down. You won't be sorry.

 

[HopperFan]

We had this problem years ago when the kids were all younger (teens now). Was so severe that a few would sit and wait for our car to pull up. I wouldn't even have my car out of gear and their faces were on our car window. I got so tired of the doorbell I came up with a system. I made several signs on the computer with words and pictures (for the non-readers). I laminated them, punched a hole at top. Then I kept suction cup with a hook on the window by my door. I told the kids if a sign was up, the kids could not play at that time and the sign would tell them why (because that would always be their response when I told them they could not play.."why?").

Signs were: Sick, Homework, Doing Chores, Eating Dinner

Took a few weeks but it worked. It worked for years. I found that if I didn't have to deal with them constantly or even every day, it was more relaxing for everyone. Then the play time became a positive experience for everybody.

 

[TaraPA]

You sure did hit the nail on the head! Sad but true. While I was away from the computer just now, my DS comes in (had been sledding out back with his brother) & says the naughty boy is over on the hill sledding & calling for him to come over, can he go. I said absolutely not because the property he is sledding on is someone else's, and they have huge signs posted "no tresspassing." Just this summer the other boy had been playing in the stream at that property & when his mom asked why I don't let my kids play there I said because it's illegal - it's not our property & it's clearly posted "no tresspassing." She looks at me like I have 2 heads & says "Well I'm sure they don't have the signs up for the kids." They absolutely have the signs there for kids - they are an older couple that have no children & probably don't appreciate all the kids in the neighborhood playing in their stream & sledding down their hill! Don't they have any respect for other people's things?!?! Argh! I just hope he stays over on the hill & doesn't think he's coming over here to play.

Thanks for the smack in the face, I needed that. You are so right about the whole situation.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

See, I don't see a friendship here. My friends know how I feel and honor that. About everything.

Your "friend" is blowing you off EVERYtime you tell her what is going on in YOUR home with HER son.

She couldn't care less.

I was thinking the same thing. My real friends would be mortified if I had to speak to them about their child. We're all pretty much on the same page. If that mother told me that maybe her son misunderstood I wouldn't have been able to hold back. I would have told her "Come on- do you really think I would let the kids play with power tools? Doesn't that sound a bit ridiculous?!!! How would there be a misunderstanding?" That would have stopped the friendship from going any further. I cannot stand lying and while I know kids do sometimes lie as a parent it is your responsibility to stop that behavior. I would not want my kids around that as it is only a recipe for disaster. What about when the spawn child does something to a neighbor's yard and blames your son and nobody was there to see it? Or better yet, what if the police are invovled? I am sorry but things have a way of escalating. I would either be straight with this woman if you truly treasure the friendship or I would just let is fade off if she is not that important to you personally. It's hard enough raising kids as it is. Who needs this type of bs? Good luck as I know it is hard, but think down the road 20 years and try to picture yourself. If you were looking back would you really think it's that hard to do? Keep us posted. I feel so bad for you. It's a hard spot to be in.

 

[perdidochas]

We have the EXACT same situation going on over here! I actually get stressed out on days off of school or weekends - today we are off because of snow & I took the phone off the hook when DH left for work at 7 - because there is one boy in our neighborhood who starts calling at 8am to come over! Today he was at the door ringing the bell by 10 since our line was busy. In summer he just shows up all the time, it drives me nuts. His mom, who is a good friend of mine, thinks this is 100% ok. He is totally spoiled & unsupervised, and I am the complete opposite. My kids have rules to follow & I expect their friends to follow the same rules. They are never allowed to be in the development out of my sight (off our property -they can play unsupervised in our yard) without an adult (they are 6 & 9) & this kid wanders day & night - he has actually been missing several times that they couldn't find him for hours! This boy is sneaky & disrespectful - I've caught him lying many many times, making prank calls from my house, running around on other neighbor's private property and being very destructive both inside & outside of our brand new home. One day DH caught him digging deep holes in the brand new macadam driveway for fun. Another time he took apart DS's skateboard with DH's power tools!!!!! I sent him home & he lied & told his mom that I said it was ok for him to use the power tools, and when I told her that absolutely was not true she said "well he must have misunderstood." WHAT?!?!? My own kids know better than that! Next time I will punish him as I punish my own & he surely won't "misunderstand!" Everytime I have sent him home & when I talk to his mom she claims her son did no wrong & just buys his lies. He really has her wrapped around his finger. It has gotten to the point where my son has been grounded for an entire month for the trouble he has gotten into with this boy. I truly enjoy the friendship I have with the mom but her son is really straining it. I have been trying to keep my distance lately, and have even found myself making excuses and little white lies at the bus stop of why my kids can't play. That is so wrong for me to be this stressed out over someone else's kid that I have to lie! The kicker is, my boys love to also play with another boy in the neighborhood, and I don't mind him being here one bit - he listens & they all get along well. So how do I ban my kids from playing with just the naughty boy - when he & his mom can see that my kids do play with other kids? I was hoping she'd get the hint by now buy I guess not. Help - I need advice on how to stop this kid from coming over, yet salvaging the friendship with the mom!

Well, you can't have it all. You can't keep the friendship with the mom, and exclude her boy. Choose one or the other. Personally, I would tend to think with my kids in mind, and would risk the friendship rather than have the boy teaching my boys bad habits. Remember, his attitude and actions aren't totally his fault. They are a partly a result of the way she (and her husband) raised him.

 

[TaraPA]

You are all giving me very good advice - now I just have to have the guts to take it! I see what you're all saying. His mom thinks he is the Golden Boy - and he doesn't get in trouble in school or elsewhere, he's very smart about being sneaky. I think what comes around goes around, and eventually he will get himself into some kind of trouble that she can't deny. And I don't want my kids anywhere around when that happens. My kids are no angels, but I can see them being guilty by association because this other boy knows how to get away with things & twist it to make it look like someone else did it. I don't need this stress in my life & my kids don't need any bad influences. This is one bad influence that I can have control over, and it has to stop. I might write up some playdate ground rules for the kids tonight, and number one will be no more playing with the other boy because they haven't shown me after many forgivenesses that they can act appropriately when he's around. I will tell the mom, and she will have to accept my rules, even if it strains the friendship. Ok this is easier said than done - especially because it looks like they will have off school again tomorrow because of this snow/ice storm & I know the phone will be ringing bright & early!

 

[Grendalynn]

Wow - we must all live in the same neighborhood!? I struggle with this on a daily basis!! So mnay things that were written by Previous Posters are totallty pages out of our daily lives... I wont bother typing all the similarities - there are way way toooo many! It exasperates me to no end... We built our house in this neighborhood 2+ years ago and I still am not used to it... And I vow that my next house will be more rural.

One of the biggest things that burns me is that this little boy, 8, I feel uses my son, manipulates my kids and excludes my DS4 on many occasions. He has no siblings and has a hard time understaing the brotherly dinamics and how DS4 very much wants to be included in all things Big Brother. The boy also wines and crys when he doesn't get our way and often time talks back and ignores his mom when she comes to round him up.

We also had to set the limit of comin in at 5pm regardless of a weekday, weekend, vacation week, summer or school night. I have no problems speaking to other peoples children. I expect my boys to behave no differntly at others houses than they do here. Manners!

Did I mention that the Mom often asks MY babysitter if its ok if "johnny" plays at our house while she "runs" up to the store and will be "right back"!!?? I would NEVER do that!! That burns my back side so badly just thinking about it!!! Another little boy on our road will come it w/o even knocking - he does play here much, thank goodness, I am too strict for his liking....

Same goes for Weekends: No playing until 10am. This boy used to come over at 7am and knock and peer in our front door with his hands cupped around his face, nose smushed upi on the glass. I put the end to that right away! If I want to prance around in my house in my underware, I'll do so. I don't want to have to worry about the boy next door seeing me. Its just not right - Maybe I'll try it - he'd be scarred for life and maybe not come back???!

 

[perdidochas]

Wow - we must all live in the same neighborhood!? I struggle with this on a daily basis!! So mnay things that were written by Previous Posters are totallty pages out of our daily lives... I wont bother typing all the similarities - there are way way toooo many! It exasperates me to no end... We built our house in this neighborhood 2+ years ago and I still am not used to it... And I vow that my next house will be more rural.

One of the biggest things that burns me is that this little boy, 8, I feel uses my son, manipulates my kids and excludes my DS4 on many occasions. He has no siblings and has a hard time understaing the brotherly dinamics and how DS4 very much wants to be included in all things Big Brother. The boy also wines and crys when he doesn't get our way and often time talks back and ignores his mom when she comes to round him up.

While we don't have that age difference (we have a little under two years difference between our boys), we do have a rule that if a friend doesn't want to play with little (or big) brother, he is no longer welcome. We have told little boys that they can't come over, because they aren't nice to the other brother.

We also had to set the limit of comin in at 5pm regardless of a weekday, weekend, vacation week, summer or school night. I have no problems speaking to other peoples children. I expect my boys to behave no differntly at others houses than they do here. Manners!

Did I mention that the Mom often asks MY babysitter if its ok if "johnny" plays at our house while she "runs" up to the store and will be "right back"!!?? I would NEVER do that!! That burns my back side so badly just thinking about it!!! Another little boy on our road will come it w/o even knocking - he does play here much, thank goodness, I am too strict for his liking....

Same goes for Weekends: No playing until 10am. This boy used to come over at 7am and knock and peer in our front door with his hands cupped around his face, nose smushed upi on the glass. I put the end to that right away! If I want to prance around in my house in my underware, I'll do so. I don't want to have to worry about the boy next door seeing me. Its just not right - Maybe I'll try it - he'd be scarred for life and maybe not come back???!

All good ideas.

 

[pjb0216]

I feel for everyone here who have had these problems! My DH and I had been talking the other night about how bad we felt that we lived in a more rural area and there wasn't any kids around to play with our DD's. We have to arrange play dates and bring them over or take our kids over there. But, after reading some of your stories, I think living in a rural area may not be so bad after all!