how not to win friends

[Briar Rose 7457]

whenever my two dd's are with their father, they spend a lot of time hanging out with a girl whose father met my ex at a parents Without Partners meeting. since my ex and this other man live in the same town, they've become very good friends.

my older dd will be 13 in november and my younger dd will be 11 in July. the other girl will be 13 in november as well.

my girls have told me several times that they have nothing in common with the other girl except that she's the same age as my older dd and that her parents are dovirced. they try to get along with her, but wouldn't choose her as a friend if she went to school with them.

this is the girl who has repeatedly told my older dd the cheerleader that "I don't like cheerleaders". she told my younger dd, who sings in the school chorus and was seleced for an elite choral program last summer, "you can't sing a note."

well, all vestiges of friendship seem to have faded. yesterday the young lady told my girls that she's already planning her birthday party. it's going to be a sleepover at her house on november 8.

my daughter's bat mitzvah is going to be november 8. we've had the date for 3 years and have been actively planning the party for several months.

 

[nativetxn]

Well, that's too bad. It would be nice if your girls had a friend available when they visit their father.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

yeah, it would be nice. but this girl ...

older dd said to me "I would have invited her to my party and I would have gone to hers. I don't know why she can't make her party a week later."

 

[nativetxn]

It's hard being a kid sometimes, isn't it? Hope your daughter didn't get her feelings hurt too badly.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

my dd tries so hard. there's no such thing as a stranger, only a friend she hasn't met yet. and this girl is just downright mean to her. and there's no avoiding her, because their fathers are close friends and are always throwing the kids together. so she doesn't want to fight with this girl.


if I were in my dd's shoes I don't think I could be nice to her.

 

[nativetxn]

Your daughter sounds like an extraordinary young lady to repay meanness with kindness. You must be very proud.

 

[Tony-NJ]

what nativetxn said!!

if I were in my dd's shoes I don't think I could be nice to her

LOL - me either!

 

[Keli]

It sounds like there is a bit of jealously going on with this 'friend'. I would encourage your dd to be nice to her but not to worry about the whole party thing. You just have to teach your dd that she needs to feel sympathy for people that are feeling jealously because they are so unhappy inside when they feel that way. It's always helped my dd when she understood the other person's motivations when they were mean to her when she was a child.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

yeah Songbird - I suspect there is some kind of teenage girl one upmanship or something going on. Who starts planning a sleepover party 7 months in advance?

It sounds like a "Oh Yeah well I'm having a party too!" kind of thing to me.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

I think you're right about the jealousy and one upmanship.

I thik what sparked this latest nonsense: the other girl is invited to a bar mitzvah, and my ex suggested that my dd go shopping with her to help pick out an outfit. my dd has gone to several bar ant bat mitzvah celebrations, the other girl has not, mostly because her friends aren't Jewish, but still...

 

[Regina]

I don't see why it's even worth mentioning.

Your DD doesn't like her, I'd think that she'd be doing the happy dance. Not only does she not have to have her at her own party, she has the perfect excuse to skip hers.

Sounds like a plan to me.

 

[disneyjunkie]

If they don't really get along, why does it matter when she has her sleepover?

They don't have the same friends do they?

Are the dads aware that these girls don't get along?

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

no, they don't have the same friends.


until recently there was at least a sembalnce of a friendship going on. now, with the latest comments --- at least my dd's don't have to come up with an excuse not to go to the sleepover. it does sound like a plan, doesn't it?