How much say to realtives have in discipline of your child

[MyManGoofy!]

Why?

Ok - maybe the "certain degree of authority" is confusing to some. My son has never been told to blindly obey anyone. Even me. A certain degree of authority around my house means if my BIL says "shouldn't you be in bed?" my son knows that BIL has the authority to ask such a question and is afforded the respect of an answer without attitude. Or accusations of inappropriate behavior/child molesting.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Here are my thoughts, based on the actual original post...
No trail of assumptions whatsoever.

Apparently at one point later in the evening he went upstairs (without asking) and saw dd6 playing on the computer.

CLEARLY INAPPROPRIATE. TO GO UPSTAIRS, ALONE, WHEN NOT EXPECTED TO BE THERE, AND TO CONFRONT A CHILD... VERY INAPPROPRIATE IN EVERY WAY. YES - AS OTHERS SAID, ALMOST 'CREEPY'.

He told her he thought she should be in bed and I guess she completely ignored him and kept playing. Later when he came back downstairs he told us what happened and was VERY upset that she didn't listen to him

FIRST, FOR SOMEBODY, ANYBODY, TO GET 'VERY UPSET' BECAUSE SOMEBODY ELSES CHILD PLAYING INNOCENTLY UPSTAIRS INSTEAD OF IN BED??? WHOA!!!! HUGE RED FLAGS!!!!

SEMANTICS HERE ARE NO EXUSE... IN THIS CASE, IT IS VERY, VERY, CLEAR THAT 'LISTEN' ACTUALLY MEANS 'OBEY' IN EVERY WAY. IT IS VERY CLEAR THAT HIS MESSAGE WAS 'I AM TELLING YOU THAT YOU NEED TO GO TO BED', AND THAT HE IS 'VERY' UPSET BECAUSE SHE DID NOT OBEY. AGAIN, I DO NOT FEEL THAT THIS IS AN ASSUMPTION. BUT A CLEAR TRUTH.

we only get together with BIL once every few months, so it's not like he's a constent authority figure in their lives.

THIS MAKES IT OBVIOUS TO ME THAT HE IS NOT A 'CLOSE' FAMILY MEMBER WHO IS AROUND ENOUGH TO ASSUME SUCH LIBERTIES. THE OP APPARENTLY FEELS THIS WAY... SO, AGAIN, NO ASSUMPTION HERE AT ALL. IF THE OP IS NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT, THEN HE SHOULD NOT HAVE CROSSED HER BOUNDARIES.

So, how much say does he get and what's going to far.

IMHO, HE GETS NO SAY. BASED ON THIS POST ALONE.
IF THE OP DOES NOT FEEL THAT SHE IS COMFORTABLE WITH HIM AND THE WAY HE EXPECTS TO BE ABLE TO DISCIPLINE HER CHILD, THEN THAT, AND THAT ALONE, IS THE BOTTOM LINE. CLEARLY, THE OP IS, INDEED, UNCOMFORTABLE WITH WHAT HAPPENED.

Sure, some of the posters here have raised some concerns...
But, I don't that anyone is automatically assuming that BIL is actually guilty of any of these concerns.

Raising eyebrows is not making assumptions.

 

[mhsjax]

Ok - maybe the "certain degree of authority" is confusing to some. My son has never been told to blindly obey anyone. Even me. A certain degree of authority around my house means if my BIL says "shouldn't you be in bed?" my son knows that BIL has the authority to ask such a question and is afforded the respect of an answer without attitude. Or accusations of inappropriate behavior/child molesting.

I see your point, but what I think peope may disagree with is your use of the word authority. My older child has asked one of the younger ones a question about what he or she is supposed to be doing, but that doesn't mean he has authority, it means he is being a nosey busybody. HOwever, I do ask that my kids answer each other, even if they are being questioned about something that isn't any of the other ones business. That is just being polite, is has nothing to do with the other having authority. I don't think the BIL is a child molester, however, I do think that he really didn't have any business up there.

I had a relative like that, tried to boss a kid around and I had already given the kid permission to do something, I set him straight real quick. My house, my rules. He didn't like it very much.. TO BAD

 

[ReneeA]

My relatives have every right to discipline when my children are misbehaving. They do not have the right to make up the rules such as bedtime in my home when I'm here.

I'd have told him in no uncertain terms to mind his own business...right after I told my DD that she had to acknowledge when someone is talking to her.

 

[cruisnfamily]

In general, I believe children should listen to adults. Obviously, there are exceptions to the rule. What probably got him was that she ignored him. If she had said "Mom didn't tell me to go to bed yet" or something similar, it may not have been a big deal.

It drives me CRAZY when kids ignore adults, whether or not they're the authority figure. In fact, I don't like it when they ignore anyone. My niece does that often, and I think it's very disrespectful.

That said, if we are in a relative's home/event, then I expect DS to abide by the rules of the house. If we are in our home, if the kids are in danger or are getting out of hand, I have no problem with any adult putting a stop to it.

I'd say your BIL can't tell your DD when to go to bed, but your DD should acknowledge him out of respect and explain the situation.

ETA: Oh, and at WDW, all bets are off...the kids must comply with any reasonable request from any adult in our group. Everyone's on overload, so I welcome the extra eyes, ears and mouths.

^^this^^ Exactly this, every word of it. I agree whole heartedly!

 

[glitterkittyy]

He told her he thought she should be in bed and I guess she completely ignored him and kept playing. Later when he came back downstairs he told us what happened and was VERY upset that she didn't listen to him

IN THIS CASE, IT IS VERY, VERY, CLEAR THAT 'LISTEN' ACTUALLY MEANS 'OBEY' IN EVERY WAY. IT IS VERY CLEAR THAT HIS MESSAGE WAS 'I AM TELLING YOU THAT YOU NEED TO GO TO BED', AND THAT HE IS 'VERY' UPSET BECAUSE SHE DID NOT OBEY. AGAIN, I DO NOT FEEL THAT THIS IS AN ASSUMPTION. BUT A CLEAR TRUTH.

As an example, this is an assumption. You are assuming that the BIL meant "obey" when he said that the child didn't listen. When I read the OP, it seems to me that he was complaining that he got no response (as in the child completely ignored him by not answering)...not that the child didn't immediately go to bed. We are both making assumptions because the post doesn't exactly say either way, and the OP has not been back to clarify.

 

[Wishing on a star]

i had a relative like that, tried to boss a kid around and i had already given the kid permission to do something, i set him straight real quick. My house, my rules. He didn't like it very much.. To bad

well said!!!!!

This really clarifies the whole thing in one sentence...

My house, my kid, my rules...

No exceptions.

BIL was totally and completely out of line, no matter kind of semantic spin anyone can come up with.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

is this just another in law issue with you? you seem to have it in for mothers in law.

 

[tnkr_bell]

Of all the things you said, this stood out to me. Could this be the bigger problem? What was he doing?

I'm thinking he was checking out the computer on dh's desk. I'm not concerned he was doing anything inappropriate, but I am a little annoyed that he just went upstairs without asking.

 

[tnkr_bell]

Oh bother.

Uncle/BIL needs to chill-lax and in my opinion MIND HIS OWN BUSINESS. I think Uncle wanted the computer and your DD was using it. TOO BAD, Unc, you will have to wait.

So then Unc comes downstairs to you and tattles on DD that she did not listen to him...oh bother.

How old is he anyway?

He's 45 and no kids. He really doesn't understand kids at all, I guess that is part of my problem.

I do agree that dd should have responded to him or something, but I have a feeling she didn't even hear him. I did talk to her about it and told her that she needed to listen to him or come to me if there's a problem.

 

[tnkr_bell]

ITA!! I have had this with my bil, when DH and I are present at in-laws!! OMG...it chaps my !!!! My bil has no patience, and never gives me and DH a chacne to tell DS or DD to please lower voice, stop, or whichever thing might be going on. Unless they are in imminent danger MYOB!!!

BIL is childless by choice so as far as I am concerned has no right to repremand my kids in anyway, unless we are at his house and they are touching things they shouldn't.

DH and I have learned to pick our battles with our 2 youngest . DS is ADHD, and there are certain things that are not worth fighting over. We have this issue with FIL too. Mil and Fil took kids on vacation in Dec, and DD13 almost didn't want to go because of her perception of Fil and Mil always getting on DS's case!!

We have had some lovely arguments over this!!

This is kind of how it is with dd. We are a lot stricter outside of the home than at home, but have come to learn what is really worth batteling over.

 

[tnkr_bell]

Am I the only thing one that finds it amusing that the OP has made just one post to this thread. The rest of us keep building on each other's assumptions.

Sorry, kids are home from school today because of snow. This is the first chance I had to get back to the computer.

 

[shortbun]

He gets zero say in her discipline and you should have told him that. Why was he upstairs prowling around in your house? Tell him very soon that you've thought about his discipline issue with your daughter and he is to leave any and all discipline up to you unless the house is on fire. I say he's a trouble maker.

 

[tnkr_bell]

OP here...
So let me see if I can clarify a few things...BIL is dh's brother and is 45 with no kids. Unfortunately he has made himself quite comfortable in our home, so him going upstairs didn't surprise me too much, but it is annoying. I'm not the least bit concerned that he was doing anything inappropriate upstairs, I do know him well enough to trust him in that regard. We use to be really close and do a lot of things together until dh and I started having kids and he didn't.

I think he felt like dd should have gone to bed when he told her to, but I'm not clear on exactly what he said to her. He actually might have been upset that she was on my computer because he wanted to use it, but that is speculation. He did ask if any of the computers on dh's desk were being used. I don't think in this case she told him no or anything I think she just didn't respond. I'm not sure if it was on purpous or she didn't hear him.

I think what he is really upset about is that dd doesn't listen to him when he tells her to stop running around or doing anything else that might be annoying. We tend to let her run around more at home than we would out in public so we are little more used to her hyperness while he is not. I really feel like his "parenting" skills are non existent and this is the problem I have with him. When he does try to discipline the kids he tries to reason with them and talk to them like they are adults, which they are not. He really has no understanding of kids. I do think that dd should listen to him when she is being unruley, but she doesn't really listen to us either unless we physically stop her and get her to look us in the eye and then threaten to send her to her room.

I do plan on having a chat with BIL before we go on our trip, because we really need to clear things up before they get too out of control.

 

[JessicaR]

OP here...
So let me see if I can clarify a few things...BIL is dh's brother and is 45 with no kids. Unfortunately he has made himself quite comfortable in our home, so him going upstairs didn't surprise me too much, but it is annoying. I'm not the least bit concerned that he was doing anything inappropriate upstairs, I do know him well enough to trust him in that regard. We use to be really close and do a lot of things together until dh and I started having kids and he didn't.

I think he felt like dd should have gone to bed when he told her to, but I'm not clear on exactly what he said to her. He actually might have been upset that she was on my computer because he wanted to use it, but that is speculation. He did ask if any of the computers on dh's desk were being used. I don't think in this case she told him no or anything I think she just didn't respond. I'm not sure if it was on purpous or she didn't hear him.

I think what he is really upset about is that dd doesn't listen to him when he tells her to stop running around or doing anything else that might be annoying. We tend to let her run around more at home than we would out in public so we are little more used to her hyperness while he is not. I really feel like his "parenting" skills are non existent and this is the problem I have with him. When he does try to discipline the kids he tries to reason with them and talk to them like they are adults, which they are not. He really has no understanding of kids. I do think that dd should listen to him when she is being unruley, but she doesn't really listen to us either unless we physically stop her and get her to look us in the eye and then threaten to send her to her room.

I do plan on having a chat with BIL before we go on our trip, because we really need to clear things up before they get too out of control.

After reading through this thread the word speculation is a good one. Lots of it flying around.

What does your husband think about any of this?

 

[DeluxePrincess]

I would only address this with DD if she were disrepectful to him. She did not talk back to him and probably only "ignored" him because she knows her mom and dad are boss in the house. I would never tell my nieces and nephews that it was bedtime when their parents are in the house! Not to mention that it was YOUR house. If he were babysitting or something like that, then it would be a different story.

 

[bumbershoot]

See - now how did an adult telling a child it was past their bedtime-to go to bed become inappropriate?

It became inappropriate when it was NOT her bedtime, when she had parents letting her stay up, and he was NOT the person in charge that night.

I see a lot of assumptions. BIL has gone from uncle to computer snooper to possible child molestor.

No, he didn't become anything. People have wondered, thought "out loud", speculated, and asked questions. No one has said "this dude is bad".

According to the OP, the uncle didn't tell the child to go to bed. He said he "thought she should be in bed." That's a big difference. One is an order, and the other is an observation.

And observations don't require responses. My 5 year old, upon hearing an observation, doesn't always see the need to say something. Heck, I don't always find it necessary.

Alas, sometimes DH thinks that making observations is communicating, is asking a question, or making a statement that requires a response...when he does that and I do NOT think it needs a response...well, DH could have a tantrum about it OR he could actually try to communicate.

This uncle...wasn't communicating.

The OP said "He told her he thought she should be in bed".

What on earth could a 6 year old say to that that is NOT going to sound snotty???? I mean, other than ignore her parents and say "yes uncle, I should, goodnight". She was in a lose lose situation. "No I shouldn't be" could sound snotty. "My mom said it wasn't my bedtime" could sound snotty. etc.

Unfortunately he has made himself quite comfortable in our home, so him going upstairs didn't surprise me too much, but it is annoying.

I think what he is really upset about is that dd doesn't listen to him when he tells her to stop running around or doing anything else that might be annoying.

Oh man! He gets to roam around your house (and since he asked if the computers were free, it does sound like he was going to use your computer) and annoy you. But he doesn't want your kids to annoy *him*, with behaviour that's allowed by you when you're at YOUR home?

Gah.

If I were up to that kind of nonsense at my brother's house, my SIL wouldn't appreciate it very much (nor would my brother), and we wouldn't get invited as often!

 

[Disney Doll]

OP sounds like you have a good handle on your relationship with BIL.
He's annoying to you at times. I'm sure you're annoying to him at times. That's family, good or bad, right?

Have a chat with him and explain the special facets of your DDs personality and why she needs to be handled in certain ways.

Speaking as a childless aunt who loves her nieces and nephews dearly, I would rather hear the types of things that can improve my relationship with and understanding of the kids than have all kinds of festering resentment.

But then again, there are many here on the DIS that prefer festering resentment.

 

[BroganMc]

I really feel like his "parenting" skills are non existent and this is the problem I have with him. When he does try to discipline the kids he tries to reason with them and talk to them like they are adults, which they are not. He really has no understanding of kids. I do think that dd should listen to him when she is being unruley, but she doesn't really listen to us either unless we physically stop her and get her to look us in the eye and then threaten to send her to her room.

Think about what you just said. What is the alternative for your BIL? Should he physically stop her too? How about her teachers?

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

My children respect EVERYONE. If they are told to do something that contradicts something that I have already told them, they can indicate as much, but in a respectful way, or they can come ask me for confirmation. If one of my children ignored any adult in our family, they would get punished. In fact, we don't allow them to ignore children, either.

All of that said, we have a rule in our family - If the parents are present, the parents "parent". Even during the holidays, when I can have more than 20 children in my home, we bring in the parents when any parenting needs to take place. I simply can't imagine someone not coming to me for something like this instead of telling one of my children what to do. It is simply not how our family operates.

When we leave our children in the care of friends or family, their rules apply. My boys do what they are told to avoid answering to me for not doing so...

I also agree with the PP who said that the BiL sounds a bit immature to get so upset over the behavior of a 3 year old. Then again, maybe he was upset because you didn't back him up? Solve this for your vacation by setting expectations with both him and your children...