How much say to realtives have in discipline of your child

[Wishing on a star]

1) I don't care how close you are to a relative or how welcome they are in your home, it's rude to go wandering around someone's house.
Jess

Thanks!


WOW, to the poster who issued a personal attack... Just because someone may not want others to have full, open, access to the more private areas of their home does NOT mean that they are a crazy, spiteful, hateful, paranoid, freak. Most people I know do maintain higher levels of boundaries and privacy.

Remember, only just now, after the fact, does the OP relay that she spoke to her husband and, in this one instance, the BIL had spoken to him and mentioned checking the computer's modem. However, what is also clear is that this BIL seems a little too free to wander, alone, into the more private areas of their home. What is clear is that the OP finds this to be 'annoying' which tells me it is pushing her boundaries and making her feel uncomfortable. This does not make either the OP, or myself, to be crazy, spiteful, paranoid, freaks. IMHO, it is normal personal response to want to maintain some personal space.

And, to answer the question... Yes, there are family members that we have been close to... watched each others kids... visited each other's homes frequently, etc... And, yes, we did establish that there are private areas of our homes.

I think the OP has now established that she really does not think that this BIL would ever be up to anything. And, that is good to hear!
But, it is apparant that he does not know how to respect personal boundaries, both in their home, and with their children.

Just because he is not 'predatory' does not make his behavior Okay.

I will repeat the most important issue in this whole thread, as first noted by another poster...
"MY home, MY kids, MY rules..." Period.

 

[Liberty Belle]

So BIL was over last night for dd3 b-day party. Apparently at one point later in the evening he went upstairs (without asking) and saw dd6 playing on the computer. He told her he thought she should be in bed and I guess she completely ignored him and kept playing. Later when he came back downstairs he told us what happened and was VERY upset that she didn't listen to him because he's an adult too. I guess this isnt' the first time she hasn't just listened to him and he feels like she should because he's an adult.

The problem with last night was that 1) We hadn't even told her she needed to go to bed yet; 2) ds8 was still up watching a movie with us and they both go to bed at the same time. So we told them as soon as the movie was over it was bed time. So why would she listen to him. Also, we only get together with BIL once every few months, so it's not like he's a constent authority figure in their lives.

I can understand if she is doing something she shouldn't be and he tells her she needs to stop, but she is also a very challenging child and we have to be really firm with her to get her to do anything. She has ADHD and is very strong willed and disciplining her is not easy. BIL is also going with us to WDW later this year and we really need to figure something out or it's going to be a trip from heck.

So, how much say does he get and what's going to far.

Well, first. If my husband and I are at home, I prefer to be the only ones to discipline my sons, even if it's one of their grandparents. It doesn't always work that way and usually I don't say anything, that's what I prefer.

In your case, your child should have "listened" to your BIL. She should have explained that you said it was okay, or something, not ignore him. I don't think she should have necessarily done what he said, though.

I have a seven year old with ADHD, so I know what you mean. Once my parents and MIL understood the disorder, they started treating my son much differently. They know how to reprimand so that he doesn't "lose it" and they just have a better understanding of why he's not perfect all the time.

Maybe you could start a conversation with your BIL about ADHD and explain exactly what it is and why it is so hard for children with the disorder to do certain things.

Before your trip, though, I'd talk to your dd and your BIL. If you're not around, I think your dd should listen to him, but I'd tell BIL that since you're more familiar with your dd and her disorder, you'd prefer he come to you if he feels she needs discipline.

 

[NHdisneylover]

1) I don't care how close you are to a relative or how welcome they are in your home, it's rude to go wandering around someone's house.

See, from my perspective it is rude to tell someone you are very close to, and have invited into your home that they are not to be trusted to go upstairs without asking first. I guess we just come from very different backgrounds and have different norms for how to treat family and family like friends in our homes. Perhaps that is part of the problem here--perhaps OP's husband and brother grew up with relatives being allowed all over each others' homes and OP did not--so what seems like perfectly acceptable behaviour to the BiL (and husband? OP how does your husband feel about his brother going elsewhere in the home) seems annoying or even possible rude to the OP. Probably everyone just needs to sit down and calmly talk all of this out (what is okay in the home and with the kids).

It has nothing to do with trust. He wasn't an overnight guest. He was there for a gathering. I don't think that opening your home up for a get-together means that people are free to go exploring.

Jess

But it was stated he is frequently an overnight guest

Thanks!


WOW, to the poster who issued a personal attack... Just because someone may not want others to have full, open, access to the more private areas of their home does NOT mean that they are a crazy, spiteful, hateful, paranoid, freak. Most people I know do maintain higher levels of boundaries and privacy.

Remember, only just now, after the fact, does the OP relay that she spoke to her husband and, in this one instance, the BIL had spoken to him and mentioned checking the computer's modem. However, what is also clear is that this BIL seems a little too free to wander, alone, into the more private areas of their home. What is clear is that the OP finds this to be 'annoying' which tells me it is pushing her boundaries and making her feel uncomfortable. This does not make either the OP, or myself, to be crazy, spiteful, paranoid, freaks. IMHO, it is normal personal response to want to maintain some personal space.

And, to answer the question... Yes, there are family members that we have been close to... watched each others kids... visited each other's homes frequently, etc... And, yes, we did establish that there are private areas of our homes.

I think the OP has now established that she really does not think that this BIL would ever be up to anything. And, that is good to hear!
But, it is apparant that he does not know how to respect personal boundaries, both in their home, and with their children.

Just because he is not 'predatory' does not make his behavior Okay.

I will repeat the most important issue in this whole thread, as first noted by another poster...
"MY home, MY kids, MY rules..." Period.

Becuase if the bolded part (I did quote you and asked about that) I am thinking you feel what I posted was a personal attack I am so sorry if it came across that way as it was not my intention at all It DID jump out at me as very, very unusual. I truly have not met anyone that I knew of who would keep areas of their home off limits to EVERYONE not living there. Maybe I just didn't know It is not like I know everything about everybody. I admit I did say I could not be so "paranoid." I used that word becuase your earlier post did make it sound like you were concerned the brotehr would do something bad on the computer, disrupt the husband's work in some way, etc. Basically the impression I got (maybe wrongly) was that you felt the brotehr in law should not be allowed all over the house because of harm he could do--not just because OP may want privacy. I believe you indicated (or at least it seemed so to me) that no one should allow anyone not living in the home this kind of access, when (clearly) not everyone feels such a great need for privacy. I certainly never said anyone was "crazy," "spiteful," or "a freak." So, perhaps there are other posts which got deleted and you are not even refering to me
Thanks for answering my question It is just a mindset that is totally foriegn to me. I honestly did not know it was out there. Even my ultra reclusive father would not think twice about me or my kids or my aunts going anywhere in his home when we are visiting--and IS very paranoid/anxious/depressed etc. and super, amazingly reclusive (as in he prefers to communicate by email because being on the phone is too stressful with the immediate contact!). Anyone I trust to care for my children is certainly someone I trust anywhere in my home. Again (as I said near the start of this post) perhaps this is part of the probelm: Perhaps OP's in laws have a mind set more like mine and OP's family more like yours.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Think about what you just said. What is the alternative for your BIL? Should he physically stop her too? How about her teachers?

That means putting a hand on her shoulder and saying gently, but firmly, "look at me." Not tripping her or grabbing her around the waist. It's what needs to be done for a lot of kids with ADHD and, yes, sometimes teachers have to do it, too.

 

[Liberty Belle]

My dd is ADHD. To my family and the rest of the world, she's a bit--on edge as far as her ability to focus. But she's never considered "out of control".

We do not change our ways for DH's family--but you would think we are the most stupid parents in the world who cannot keep our child under control. Surprising the very different and polar reactions between them adn teh rest of the world.

Sometimes, they can be quite mean in their tone of voice in how they correct my child.

They may be fed up with her--but it doesn't justify their judgement of us or their treatment of her.

I have had to become increasingly guarded and it is so very wrong. They cannot accept who she is b/c they expect too much of her. They expect us to monitor her like she is a 2 yo.

It is very unfortunate that they lack any modicum of understanding of how to deal with a child with ADHD. It is even funny at times when the judgement comes from those without children.

You would think my dd was one of Lynette's twins on Desperate Housewives. You would think my child is a raving, destructive lunatic. You would think this if you were having a conversation with my some of my in laws.

I'm right there with you. In fact, I haven't spoken to my MIL since Christmas Day because of this.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Let me get this straight - you have someone staying in your home on a regular basis that you don't feel comfortable allowing full access to the top floor of your home?

My parents stay overnight in our home fairly frequently and I dont want them rummaging around in our bedroom.

 

[manning]

In this case my response to BIL would have been butt out!!!

 

[NMAmy]

My parents stay overnight in our home fairly frequently and I dont want them rummaging around in our bedroom.

There's a big difference between rummaging through your things and having a family member freely roam through your house. If I like and trust someone enough to have them stay over or even just visit, they can go any where they'd like in my house. Heck, my sister will even borrow clothes and complain that they're not big enough. (Mom was in the hospital and my sister ended up having to stay longer than she'd planned.)

I do understand that different people set different kinds of limits--it's just kind of foreign to those of us who don't live that way.

 

[sbell111]

As an example, this is an assumption. You are assuming that the BIL meant "obey" when he said that the child didn't listen. When I read the OP, it seems to me that he was complaining that he got no response (as in the child completely ignored him by not answering)...not that the child didn't immediately go to bed. We are both making assumptions because the post doesn't exactly say either way, and the OP has not been back to clarify.

I wonder if the BIL didn't make a passive statement that he thought that she would (or should) already be in bed and she simply didn't think that it was something that needed a response, since she was quite obviously, not in bed. (She's 6, after all.)

Sorry, kids are home from school today because of snow. This is the first chance I had to get back to the computer.

My comment wasn't related to your not coming back to give us more information. It was about the propensity for people to make wild assumptions before they have any information to support them.

OP,

You may say that this BIL traipsing around you house, alone, and even having open access to your computers is only 'annoying'.

But, seriously, you need to maintain some stronger boundaries.

I can really see no valid or good reason for this BIL's behavior. ...

If this guy does not have anything like this, then really, I agree that it is even more than creepy to have a grown man traipsing around your house alone, wanting to access your computers, confronting your children. Really, something just isn't right here.

You know, I almost agreed with your post. However, then I considered my own situation.

I have a sister who has kids. Typically, I would visit them once a year or so. At the time, I had no children.

During my visits, I had complete access to their entire home and would not think about asking permission prior to checking their router for a problem, nor would I have any qualms about asking one of the kids if they ought to be in bed.

I would not discipline them without being granted the authority to do so. Instead, I would merely report any issues back to my sister or BIL. Since this is the very thing that the OP's BIL did, I have no issues with his actions.

I suspect that this was a simple miscommunication that the BIL thought was more important than it really was simply because he doesn't have any kids.

I disagree completely. We have guests that stay for days or weeks at a time. Anyone that I trust enough to stay for a single night, I trust enough to not be worried about their access to anything in my home - and this includes my children. If I didn't trust them, they wouldn't be invited into my home - and they certainly wouldn't be spending the night...

It has nothing to do with trust. He wasn't an overnight guest. He was there for a gathering. I don't think that opening your home up for a get-together means that people are free to go exploring.

Jess

He is her husband's brother and has been an overnight guest. As such, his 'permissions' are broader than some random person that was invited over to play Scrabble.

 

[Wishing on a star]

During my visits, I had complete access to their entire home and would not think about asking permission prior to checking their router for a problem, nor would I have any qualms about asking one of the kids if they ought to be in bed.

Yes, but did you actually become offended and go to your sister 'very upset' because one of her kids was playing games or whatever on the computer upstairs?????
( If so, I would come to the same determination, that you were out of line.)

I think the situation, as described by the OP, goes a lot further than your example.

I also think it makes a difference that this not two very close sisters, but a sister and BIL.