How much freedom do you give your teen/how much stress do they give you?

[Tiggeroo]

I have a dd who is 18, life was easy, never pushing limits, aahhh...
Now I have twin 15yo sons who are giving me gray hairs and heartburn. We live in a small town and my one son wants to be able to go out every morning and not come home til a curfew time. He is a good kid, but I don't like the idea of him running with a mixed group of kids(boy/girl) for 15 hours with no adults at all. I thought i would be doing things the same as with dd. No curfew, but time home should fit the activity. There were times when it was alright to be out til 2 am and times when she needed to be home at 9pm. My biggest problem is not the time home, it's the hanging out all day long and then all night. We have always lived in a rural area where kids had to get rides to each others homes if they wanted to do something. This whole teens all over the neighborhood thing is new to me. So, how do you parents do this. Do you let your kids go and roam around town, or do you know where they are/mostly all the time? What times are the kids around adults and how much time are they on their own. It's partly the guy/girl thing. He has alot of girls around who call here all the time. I never see these girls but if one becomes a serious girl friend I don't think I would be alright with my son hanging out with her all day long around town and on the beach. So the rules I make are trying to take this into consideration.
All of this started because he wants to go to one of the girls houses this weekend to watch a movie with some other kids. No problem, but I said let me check to see if there will be parents home. Have her mom give me a call or let me call there.
I think the reason this is so hard is I remember being a teen. I hate being the mean mom with a bunch of rules. I know how embarrasing it is to have your mom call and check up on you.

 

[holycow]

I will give you my opinion since you asked...I have a 20 DD and 14 DS...we kept track of them pretty well, (coming from the big city)..but I would say go with your gut feeling...if you don't feel right about it then speak up. Don't worry about being the "mean" mom! You're doing your job!
PS...I served in my church with the young girls and 3 years after I moved 4 of these girls ended up pregnant! 16 and under!
So I truly believe you can NEVER be too careful even if they are "good" kids things happen....All of these girls are GOOD GIRLS!
I would make sure there is a parent around and I would give a curfew to him too!...Nothing good ever happens after 12!(my DD thanks me now for always telling her that)

Holycow

who likes to ramble ! sorry! LOL

 

[grinningghost]

So far, my 13 year old DD is very easy to manage. She hangs around with a group of kids who are so into extracurricular activities that they don't have much free time to get into trouble. Alot different from my teenage years. We did alot of hanging around on the streets doing nothing. If she knew how unproductive my friends and I were as teens, she'd have a field day with me.

 

[4greatboys]

So far it hasnt been that hard my oldest is 15--next one is 12. I have to meet the parents of the kids they spend the night with. So far Ive been really lucky with my 15 yr old, he has some really nice boys as friends. They have a band, my ds plays guitar so they spend their time practicing. When he drives he will have a curfew and will be required to check in with mom. I will first give him time to call me and if its past time I think he should have called then I will call him. But he is good about checking in.
My 12 yr old makes friends with everyone so Im a little worried about the company he will keep once he is more mobile. He has a a couple of "friends" that came to our house and never again will be they coming back--just not good kids at all. They were rude, disrespectful and talking about things they should not be talking about.

 

[Tiggeroo]

And their primary friends are a great bunch of boys. My one son also makes friends with everyone. Sometimes he can be naieve so I worry.
I guess what I am wondering about is waking up, going out to play (surf,skateboard,hang out) and not being home for hours. He isn't in anybody's house. It's just that I wonder if he and his friends should be out on their own for 5-6 hours at a time. They generally pop in from time to time to either eat or get money.
During the school year he is very busy on his running team at school. He only has weekends free (and sometimes not even them) and wants to relax on them.
He pulls the typical teen thing, if you don't let me go you don't trust me. I just don't want temptation hanging in front of him continually. I am trying to think of a fair set of rules for free days that will limit his change to get in trouble, but give him a gradually increasing freedom. I grew up in a home with few rules. We kids were left on our own and generally were getting into trouble.
I swear I worry more now that they are 15,15, and 18 then I ever did when they were 5.

 

[Jillpie]

I have an almost 15 year old son. He is very responsible, but he knows my rules. My #1 rule--there IS NO hanging around. You have a destination, a dance, a movie etc. Once that activity is over, we pick him up, thats it. Period. There can be no good that comes from teens having nothing to do with their time. He is into sports in every season, so that helps tremendously after school. I have never let him just "go wherever". As much as they say they hate rules, they want them and need them.

 

[yoopermom]

crabby old schoolteacher (which I am, but I'm a parent, too, does that count?), this "hanging out" thing is one of my big pet peeves. As someone else said, if there's not a specific destination, then the child should be at home. No matter how good *your* child is, a group causes temptations, and peer pressure can make even the best kid do something he regrets down the pike. I understand the wanting of freedom, but I do think there should be a destination, or he should at least have to check in with you every so often. Good luck, and hold your ground.
Terri the Yoopermom

 

[Tiggeroo]

Terry and Jil, you understand what I am talking about. It is the hanging around thing that bothers me and I think will lead to trouble. If he says, Mom I'm going to the skate park, I'll be back in 2hours it's fine. If he says I'm going out, I'll be around, not fine. I guess that I got a bit more strict with this, now because girls are in the mix. I remember when they were younger and a whole group of kids would play on the block in front of the house. I didn't have to check on them, but I could always see them. I see the group as a big fat temptation. I may allow a modified type of hanging out on Saturday afternoons where he has to check in every two hours if it is with kids who I know well and am ok with. I'm not sure yet. My dh is not here during the days so he is no help with this. The tough part is both of us grew up in homes with no rules, where we got in alot of trouble. We know we don't want to raise our kids like that. We are just trying not to go completely in the other direction and lock them in a closet. As much as I would like to.

 

[Lynn CC]

I think 15 is just too young to be hanging around without a set agenda, unless they are hanging around your house where you can keep an eye on him.
My DS who is also 15 is involved in Marching Band, Concert Band, Aquaculture Club, HS Golf Team(Fall) and Baseball in the Spring, he also goes to CCD once a week, plays paintball, swims etc. Those activiites keep him really busy. When he does have free time he has his friends over or he goes to their houses, but us parents know one another very well. We all go out to dinner occasionally etc.
If he's going out, he has to have a specific place to be and a set time to be home for meals etc....with a ride (which is usually me).
I would never let him just go over so and so's house with girls and just hang out all day with no parents home. He can do that in college LOL

Perhaps a cell phone would help you communicate with him better?

 

[Tiggeroo]

There generally is no houses involved. It's skate boarding around the neighborhood, or going surfing on the beach. Until this year most of his friends parents had similar rules with me. All of a sudden they all seem to have become more lenient and I am left being the bad guy. He doesn't have a girlfriend, yet. It's just that girls are part of the group. With my dd we were very specific. Under 17, group dates only, with parents dropping off and picking up. I planned the same thing for my sons. However, now that we live in a small town near the high school the kids all hang together. I am worried that the boundary line between hanging out and dating may become fuzzy. I am putting up blockers very early, to prevent future troubles.
During the week there is 3hr cross country practice every day, two nights a week his Christian Surfers group, Sat. morning cross country practice and race, there really is very little time for hanging out. I just wanted to know that other parents would have a problem with this. I don't want to be too strict but I know what I am uncomfortable with.

 

[TRAPPED-PARENT]

I've got a DS who just turned 18 and a DD who is 16-1/2. They seem to need us a parents more than ever! We try to keep a tight rein on the kids (sometimes they tell on each other, so this helps!).

When the circumstances are right, we give them a little more slack -- but I agree, if there is nothing specific going on they have to be home by 11:30 pm. Nothing good happens after that!! If they've been disrespectful, then they get to spend more time at home with us! We say NO to body/cartledge piercings and tatoos even though "everyone else has them." Both kids go to church every week ... sometimes on their own to the youth mass or because their work schedule conflicts when we go.

Apparently we are the "strictist parents in town" -- but I told them "Thank You" ... that means I'm doing my job ... When they get out of college and have a job and move out, they can do what they want!!

We do have a good relationship with the kids and communicate lots with hugs and kisses (even when they don't want them). They both have part-time jobs at a store 1-1/2 miles from our home (keeps them out of trouble and gives them a little spending money ... after their college fund contribution, of course).

Good parenting takes A LOT OF ENERGY!!! I'm just glad there are two of us to do it.

 

[Keli]

Unsupervised hanging out is just trouble waiting to happen. I just wouldn't let him do it. You know, I think that some parents have become so slack in their parenting responsiblities that it makes normal responsible parents looks like they are too strict.

This is a huge issue for me because I am the BIGGEST softie in the world. I can't hardly tell my dd no to anything. The only thing that helps me have a backbone is telling myself over and over that I have to do what's right not what pleases her because I love her more than she loves herself and that her future is more important to me than it is to her.

Try to make yourself be firm and go with your instincts even if you are afraid it is making you too strict. It is far better to err on the side of caution than to be too lenient. LOL, this all so much easier said than do though.

 

[yoopermom]

(are we secret twins or what?) She worded it so nicely! I teach h.s., and know that most of my students are really nice kids, but, when you see them after hours hanging out on the town square, smoking, talking too loud, girls hanging on the boys or vice versa, well, I don't think some of their parents would like to think of that as being "their" child. Hang in there...
Terri the Yoopermom

 

[Disney Debbie]

Well I'm going to chime in with a little bit different perspective.

During the summer we are much more lenient as far as "hanging" out. DD has a cell phone and checks in regularly and we check in with her. We live in a very small town where they cruise up and down one strip and then park at the high school and sit around and talk. There is a local policeman that the kids all know that hangs out with them a lot of the time. She doesn't go out at 8 in the morning and not come home all day though. For one thing she has a job and couldn't even if she wanted to - but we do want to see her face every once in a while and so we've worked out a compromise between what we want - total control over her every waking moment!! and what she wants - the same thing!

Since school has started we only allow this on Saturday and she really hasn't wanted to - she usually has other plans. On school nights she might stay later after band practice and talk with friends or they may go out to eat. She has to be home no later then 9:00 on those nights unless we've cleared it ahead of time. In the summer she had to be home by 10:00 unless we've cleared it ahead of time. I think as long as we're communicating and I know where she is this is a pretty good arrangement for us. She has a friend whose mother NEVER lets her go anywhere or do anything unless it's an "official" date. She won't even let her go to lunch with her friends on Saturday when they're working. So consequently - she lies to her mother about where she REALLY is a lot of the time. Her mother thinks band practice is over at 9:30 on Tuesday night (like it is on Thursday) instead of 8:00. It just seems to me by starting out not EVER trusting her or letting her make her own plans she's creating a situation where she CAN'T trust her. The one time DD came home late her Dad jumped on her like white on rice - and she was grounded for a week.

My dad was a "you don't go out unless you have a destination" Dad - and so I lied to him about where I really was. Sorry to admit to that - but it was true. I just think there's a happy medium between NEVER hanging out and Hanging out ALL the time.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Debbie, a compromise between what I want and what he wants is what I am looking for.

She has a friend whose mother NEVER lets her go anywhere or do anything unless it's an "official" date. She won't even let her go to lunch with her friends on Saturday when they're working. So consequently - she lies to her mother about where she REALLY is a lot of the time.

This is exactly what I wouldn't want to happen. As we live three houses from the ocean all of my sons surfing friends are here quite a bit. I see the consequence of the no freedom at all approach. But these kids also usually have no relationship with their parents and other problems at home. During the summer there was more freedom, but he also worked. Right now, what I want is to be able to locate him if I need to, for him to check in every couple hours if it is a long day of surfing, no in people's houses unless I have spoken to the parents, and for his friends/girls included to be at my house often.

 

[Disney Debbie]

Sounds like you're on the right track to me Tiggeroo! It does seem like the older they get the harder it is! When they're young it is so easy to see black and white and give a definitive yes or no answer - as they get older you begin to feel like a negotiater!!

I asked my mother once "when do you stop worrying about your kids?" She said she'd let me know!!!