How much financial responsibility should a 20 year old have?

[KellyT2]

I' m concerned about the bigger picture. You have a young woman who is engaged at 20, does not know how to budget and does not hold a job. What is going to happen when she plans for a wedding? Sets up a household budget? Is expecting her first child? Maybe that is the catalyst for the conversation.

 

[fitzy819]

My parents paid for most of my first 2 years of college, my car (I bought my car though) and health insurance, and my line on their cell phone plan (I had to buy the phone though), and I paid for the rest of my school and everything else. I nannied and taught dance at a dance studio and occasionally traveled on the weekends working for a dance competition. My fiance then (now DH) was in the Air Force and at 19 I got married and moved across the country, so they definitely didn't pay for any more of my expenses after that. Now we pay for my school (graduating in December!!!) and all other expenses but my parents did help us out a little on a plane ticket back home once.

Since I was in highschool my parents stopped paying for extras for me (like movies, dinners out with friends, etc) and as I got older they just gradually started paying for less and less. When I was probably a sophomore I had to start buying any new clothes that I wanted and start paying for my own lunches. My want for those things never stopped so I just got a job. I went to a school where most kids there were literally given free reign over their parents credit cards so for me not having any money was unacceptable. I did what I had to do to get the things that I wanted and now I am very glad my parents did this. I know the value of a dollar now and how to manage our money to get the things that we want and budget and save for the bigger things in the future.

So, long story short, IMO I would want to start weaning my child off of depending on me financially. I wouldn't do it all at once, but every few months start paying for one less thing for her. Eventually she will either have to get a job or learn to make due with the income she has now and manage her money better. Again, I don't have kids but this is what my parents did growing up and I couldn't be more thankful.

ETA: Oh, and also, it is one of the most rewarding feelings knowing that you can financially take care of yourself at a young age. For example, when I was 18 and DB then 20 we wanted to go to WDW and paid ourselves for our 10 day vacation package and airfare. Getting to go to Disney in itself was awesome, but knowing that I had worked very hard and had paid for this myself made the trip 10 times better.

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP, My youngest DS is in his first year of college. He is attending a local university and commuting. He lives with me so I pay for his living expenses, and health insurances thru my employer. His dad pays for his car repairs and car insurance. His dad & I split the costs of his tuition but DS is expected to pay for his books, gas, misc expenses. He got a part time job, bagging groceries, in his senior year of high school, which he continues to do.

Sometimes our kids need to be reminded that we do not owe them anything after the age of 18 (according to the law).

Eliza61 wrote: Now my 20 year old son is an apserger child so he can't work a lot of hours during the school year. He just can't handle college courses and work so I've never been one who said "all" college kids can successfully work and go to college. for us his main job is to keep up his grades and graduate.

Youngest DS has AS also but in spite of it, he wants to work and go to school. While I am proud of him for doing so, this last year health problems have come to light. Aspies are more prone to digestive problems as they get older. It's stress related. Youngest DS has had a colonscopy, ultrasound, and a bunch of other tests. Finally the doctor thinks it's IBS. While I don't want him to use AS as an excuse for not joining the mainstream of life, it's not something I was aware of when, years earlier, he was diagnosed. Just wanted to pass that bit of information along!

TC

 

[hereyago]

Our problem is that she will not work, other than work study...(

[/QUOTE

This is what stuck out to me: SHE WON"T WORK, not on breaks, even part time job. Cut her off. You and DH have been enabling her in a way. and her DM won't help, but thinks that your DH should pay for it all and the dd shouldn't have to work? Oh heck no.

 

[Frye7127]

QUOTE=MrsPete;39456461]I can't put a simple "yes, she's in fine shape" or "no, she should be doing better" to this:

1. How's she doing in school? Is she taking a full load, moving steadily towards graduation? If so, that is her main responsibility. It should always take presidence over a work-study job. College is genuinely harder and more expensive than it was two decades ago when I was a student.

She is doing well in school, made Dean's List last year, but not this year so far.

2. Do I understand correctly: There is no financial crisis, no one's upset about her building up loans, no danger of coming up short for tuition next semester . . . you just think she ought to be doing better financially?

My DH and I have briefly discussed this, and we will probably end up making up the shortfall, as her mother will not do anything financially for her short of paying for her cell phone (on family plan) and pay for contacts (I am assuming she pays for them).

I'm of two minds on this one. I would be concerned about the loans. They will affect her future, and I would sit down and go over this with her -- point out that those loans may mean having a smaller wedding than she wants, delaying home ownership, driving a used car rather than a new one, etc. Then I'd point out that if she works during the summer NOW, she can alleviate at least a portion of those loans and make her future easier. Point out that she's only "making it" financially because she is borrowing. I would not pay off loans for her in the future IF she isn't willing to work during the summer NOW.

In that same conversation, you might point out to her that junior and senior year may be more expensive. For example, my daughter expects to do student nursing at the hospital as a junior-senior; that will limit her ability to work, and will require that she has gas money/lunch money. Same thing for the student teachers who come to my classroom as seniors. So I'm already talking to my daughter about working/saving during her freshman/sophomore years so she'll have a bit of a cushion for those more expensive years. She already understands that IF she has a cushion of just $2000 per year, she won't have to choose between gas money to get to the hospital and being able to go out with friends on the weekend.

If your dauaghter's doing well in her classes and is working a reasonable number of work-study hours, I would say she's doing "enough" during the school year, BUT it would absolutely bother me that she isn't working during the summer. Those are her "free months" to get ahead financially. If she refuses, do not save her from her own mistakes. Do not allow yourself to be drawn into a fight. Be clear about what you can pay, and stick to it.

Totally agree with this as far as work study is concerned. She is limited to earning 1,000/semester, and is able to do coursework during her time at work there. {/COLOR]

3. I am all about saving and investing -- and I believe strongly that doing this from a young age is the best way, the easiest way to assure financial stability and a comfortable retirement. BUT I wouldn't push her towards long-term savings and CDs during college. If she can work enough hours to put money towards CDs, I'd suggest that she take another class instead. College is tough enough without being pressured to begin saving for long-term investments. You're more likely to convince her to try to save towards a wedding, a honeymoon, a first house -- something she can see clearly in her future.

We are not expecting her to "save" any money...this was for 1,500 she wanted to take out in a loan to cover her summer school in case she didn't have enough to cover it. I wanted her to squirrel it away in a short-term CD or something so she would be less apt to think "I have this extra money" and spend it.

Also, I'm hearing you say that you don't want her spending on ANYTHING frivolous. I wouldn't begrudge her SOME discretionary spending in college. She needs clothes, she wants to go out with friends. College isn't ALL about academics. She's not earning a whole lot, so she can't be going hog-wild. As long as she isn't building up credit card debt, I'd be okay with spending what she earns in her work-study job on pizza and movies.

Oh no, I certainly don't want to just not have any fun...she totally can go out and blow off steam, heck, we all need to. My beef is the fact that she thinks that we should give her, for lack of a better word, an allowance to cover her fun. We feel that it is time to grow up a little and be responsible for some things is all.

As soon as she begins her first career job, it's time to get serious about saving. I fully intend to give my daughters a book on retirement savings and money for their first IRA (yes, I know about the earned requirement) for college graduation. But during college, I'm not going to push them to do more than take care of their own needs and perhaps a spring break trip.



What we plan to pay for our girls:
An in-state public school -- if they want out of state or private, they must make up the difference
4 years of college -- if they goof off, they must figure out the fifth year
Tuition, dorm room, meal plan -- if they want an apartment, they must make up the difference
We will NOT encourage them to "make up the difference" using loans
Insurance and cell phones on the plans we have now

Mostly, this was for her to see what an expensive outing this is and for her to realize that she is responsible for it - We have money put aside to cover them when she finishes school so that there is no interest to be paid on them, if she bucks up...otherwise the money will be given to her for her wedding/house downpayment, etc. She does not know this. Certainly, not our best parenting by having her take these out - but it seemed like a good idea at the time

We expect them to pay: Entertainment, clothing and books[/QUOTE]

This year, we figured up that she has about an average of $570/month (work study, GF money, and leftover grant $) for food, entertainment, gas, etc... Since she does not work to save up to supplement her monthly and she thinks that she should have enough to cover all that she wants to do, i posted this to see if we were the norm to think it is okay that she works breaks, or way off base. Most of her friends are handed to, including her fiance, so I know that makes it a little tougher, but you would think it was light a fire under her butt to work to be able to enjoy the things that she wants to do.

 

[AKL_Megs]

At 20, I was a full-time college student who worked 30 hours a week.

I paid about $150 a month in rent to my parents, I paid my parents back in increments for the car I was driving that they bought, I paid my gas, my car insurance, my cell phone, and anything else in life that I wanted. Of course, I could eat whatever was in the house, but any other luxuries were my responsibility.

Boo hoo. I went to school in the AM, and went to work in the PM, or vice versa. What a terrible life. I only saw my friends on the weekends! Can you imagine! The horror!

This girl sounds like a spoiled brat with an enabling mother. Her parents are setting her up for financial failure.

 

[JessicaR]

A book you might want to consider giving your stepdaughter is "Good to Go" - it's a young adult's guide to living on your own, and it has lots of excellent advice around finances.

Could you point me in the direction to get this book? I looked and couldnt find it under that title. Thanks!

 

[MrsPete]

. . .
Personally I don't feel that children really and truly appreciate things that are just given to them on a silver platter. If they have to work for what they have/want they appreciate it more.

I disagree somewhat. I don't think it is that simple. I know kids who've been given quite a bit who understand that they are very fortunate and who genuinely appreciate their parents' efforts. I know others who don't grasp that fact.

I think it has more to do with overall parenting, not just who's paying.

 

[MrsPete]

First, does your daughter have a clear idea of how much things cost? income.

. You make a good point. Kids don't always have a good grasp of what things cost. Some of my high schoolers tell mr that they have to work because their parents make them pay for "everything" . (this is always connectednto a conversation about why they simply can't keep up with their reading) .

Upon questioning, they always admit that they are really paying for their own car, gas, entertainment (or something similar) . . . They don't think about health insurance, housing, food at home. They totally discount those things as very inexpensive because they have no experience with them.

 

[bicker]

I think it has more to do with overall parenting, not just who's paying.

I think it is even more insidious than that. I know of siblings, raised practically the same, that end up with radically different perspectives on practically everything. I think trying to simplify the issue by saying it is this-or-that is an exercise in futility. It's attributable to nothing specific; rather it is attributable to the totality of the child's experiences, all the adults and other children that the child ever interacts with, as well as random chance.

 

[cm8]

. You make a good point. Kids don't always have a good grasp of what things cost. Some of my high schoolers tell mr that they have to work because their parents make them pay for "everything" . (this is always connectednto a conversation about why they simply can't keep up with their reading) .

Upon questioning, they always admit that they are really paying for their own car, gas, entertainment (or something similar) . . . They don't think about health insurance, housing, food at home. They totally discount those things as very inexpensive because they have no experience with them.

 

[MrsPete]

She is doing well in school, made Dean's List last year, but not this year so far.

DH and I have briefly discussed this, and we will probably end up making up the shortfall, as her mother will not do anything financially for her short of paying for her cell phone (on family plan) and pay for contacts (I am assuming she pays for them

We are not expecting her to "save" any money...this was for 1,500 she wanted to take out in a loan to cover her summer school in case she didn't have enough to cover it. I wanted her to squirrel it away in a short-term CD or something so she would be less apt to think "I have this extra

This year, we figured up that she has about an average of $570/month (work study, GF money, and leftover grant $) for food, entertainment, gas,




I suggest that you do not agree to make up the shortfall . . . That's rather ambiguous and let's her off the hook when it comes to making plans. Rather, i suggest that you tell her you can contribute x amount and let her figure it out.

I see that I misunderstood the savings thing, but i don't think it will be different if her money is in a CD. Instead, I think she will still be tempted, knowing that it is there'd.

I also misunderstood how much she's spending. I thought she had just over $200 per month, which sounded quite reasonable to me. I'd say she's taking out too large a loan. She should return a portion of this to decrease her eventual pay-back.

 

[Frye7127]

. You make a good point. Kids don't always have a good grasp of what things cost. Some of my high schoolers tell mr that they have to work because their parents make them pay for "everything" . (this is always connectednto a conversation about why they simply can't keep up with their reading) .

Upon questioning, they always admit that they are really paying for their own car, gas, entertainment (or something similar) . . . They don't think about health insurance, housing, food at home. They totally discount those things as very inexpensive because they have no experience with them.

Just to be honest, this is a hard one for us, as I am fairly certain that everything of "interest" goes straight to her mom's ears...i can just hear that conversation about how well off we are (in comparison) and we should be able to swing it...DS goes to private school so that could go to give to you...blah, blah, blah...I just don't want an ex that much into my business.

 

[Frye7127]

This year, we figured up that she has about an average of $570/month (work study, GF money, and leftover grant $) for food, entertainment, gas,


I also misunderstood how much she's spending. I thought she had just over $200 per month, which sounded quite reasonable to me. I'd say she's taking out too large a loan. She should return a portion of this to decrease her eventual pay-back.[/QUOTE]

This amount does not include the loan money that she took out for summer school and I am unsure how much summer school costs. The whole college deal has been left up to me and DH short of filling out the FAFSA. Her mom just says, call * or your Daddy. and telling her we will pay for X when we don't know what balance will be stinks becuase we may accident say that we will pay for all of it after all if we do this. Both years have been completely different in regards to money received in grants, scholarships, etc.

 

[ilovejack02]

MY DSS is 21 . Sweet sweet boy, love him dearly.

His mother and my husband and I had and still have very different ideas on how to deal with him.

We were the strict ones, and she was very very lenient as is the rest of her family, in all areas and still is, that includes financial help .

I won't give all the tedious details, but DSS learned the hard way we expect him to pull his own weight. If not in school, we expected to get a job , pay rent to us and help with some of his expenses. As he got older more and more of those expenses were to be given to him. We tried to help him learn to manage money. He chose not to go to school, and refused to get a job... at about 19 we ENCOURAGED him to move out because he was not going to live with us forever on our dime without working towards his future.

If he had been in school, gas money, help with expenses would have been given. Car insurance has been his to pay since he was 16, you don't pay , car disappears as it was in our name. basic cell service would be provided, but we were not paying for a smart phone service.

Entertainment and extra clothes would have also been his responsibility . I buy his clothes and shoes once or twice a year. But if anything extra is wanted it is on him.


What it boils down to is you and hubby need to agree on what is fair , and let her know how much money you are willing to give her per semester. . Period, end of discussion.

She needs a job in summer for extras , but if chooses not to get one, then Mom can pay or she can go without in my book.

Good luck, dealing with children that have two sets of parents with different ideas is hard.

They only way we got through it is setting our rules, without input from his MOM and sticking to them.

DSS is making his way through life and doing ok. He really hopes to go back to school soon. He knows that once he does, our offer to help with money will be once again on the table, but it is isn't a free ride. He knows exactly upfront how much he will get from us and he should spend it wisely. If he needs help budgeting we will be there for him.

 

[Frye7127]

MY DSS is 21 . Sweet sweet boy, love him dearly.

His mother and my husband and I had and still have very different ideas on how to deal with him.

We were the strict ones, and she was very very lenient as is the rest of her family, in all areas and still is, that includes financial help .

I won't give all the tedious details, but DSS learned the hard way we expect him to pull his own weight. If not in school, we expected to get a job , pay rent to us and help with some of his expenses. As he got older more and more of those expenses were to be given to him. We tried to help him learn to manage money. He chose not to go to school, and refused to get a job... at about 19 we ENCOURAGED him to move out because he was not going to live with us forever on our dime without working towards his future.

If he had been in school, gas money, help with expenses would have been given. Car insurance has been his to pay since he was 16, you don't pay , car disappears as it was in our name. basic cell service would be provided, but we were not paying for a smart phone service.

Entertainment and extra clothes would have also been his responsibility . I buy his clothes and shoes once or twice a year. But if anything extra is wanted it is on him.


What it boils down to is you and hubby need to agree on what is fair , and let her know how much money you are willing to give her per semester. . Period, end of discussion.

She needs a job in summer for extras , but if chooses not to get one, then Mom can pay or she can go without in my book.

Good luck, dealing with children that have two sets of parents with different ideas is hard.

They only way we got through it is setting our rules, without input from his MOM and sticking to them.

DSS is making his way through life and doing ok. He really hopes to go back to school soon. He knows that once he does, our offer to help with money will be once again on the table, but it is isn't a free ride. He knows exactly upfront how much he will get from us and he should spend it wisely. If he needs help budgeting we will be there for him.

a hug for me and you...totally sucks, doesn't it?!

 

[ilovejack02]

a hug for me and you...totally sucks, doesn't it?!

Yes it can : ) Thank goodness he is such a sweet kid the majority of the time or both of us would have lost our minds along time ago lol.

Plan out what you are willing to give her and let her know what you expect of her and stick to it. Consistency is the key.

Having it all written out in should help.

 

[hereyago]

OP: what does the DM think of when DD is out on her own? I mean, are ya'll supposed to take care of her until she gets a job and is able to move out? Or is she thinking the dd will get married and the husband can "take care" of her?

 

[geffric]

OP I have a DS who is a sophmore in college.. between us and scholarships from the school - tution, room and board in a dorm are paid for.. we also pays for his cell phone and monthly bill as we are on a family plan..

he is on his own for the rest.. we cant do anymore. and i keep showing him the spreadsheet with sources and uses of funds..he needs to be responsible for the rest - entertainment, clothes, etc.. he has $X - no more , no less..

He had a fantasy that he would go to KC over the summer and study more caporia..( brazil martial arts) .. i then pointed out to him that he needed to pay rent, utilities, gas, car and car insurance, food, clothes..plus he needs to earn money for school the next year..needless to say, he is planning on coming home..

when he talked about a spring break camping trip in the mountains. I said " sounds great.. how will you pay for this?"

my theory is - I wont eat cat food and use food stamps, while you are having a good time... want me to bring out the spreadsheet again to review the source and use of funds??

 

[PelletierBears]

As someone who worked full time to pay my way thru school I have little sympathy for young adults like your DSD. I worked a minimum 30 hrs / week while carrying a full course load and full time during breaks and summer.
Granted I didn't pay rent to live at home but all my personal expenses (clothing, car, insurance, entertainment, toiletries, etc) were my responsibility.
My husband and I are prepared to pay for in state tuition, books, medical expenses for our 2 kids but will not foot the bill so they can join a sorority/fraternity or hang out at a club on the weekends. I'm even having a hard time justifying paying for them to dorm away (we're in Boston so within easy commute of many top colleges).

Your DSD is very lucky to have so much taken care of for her. Hopefully one day she'll realize just how lucky she was. Good luck to you!