How much do you share with your children?

[PrincessKsMom]

Great. . .she's only 13 so I have a year of it getting worse



Funny, I used to teach Junior High (I LOVED it) and was later a young adult librarian. I love teens--but it is just so much harder with my own somewhow She is really a good kid, I just hope I don't fail her on the mom front, ya know.
And oh goodness high school. It hit me this weekend that in the US she would be a Freshman next year (here 5th trough 12th grades are all in one building so not as obvious).

Well welcome aboard my train of indecision and doubt!

 

[NHdisneylover]

Well welcome aboard my train of indecision and doubt!

Is there an express train to the destination?

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Is there an express train to the destination?

A friend in work asked me if she was going to have to give me "something" to get me through the next four years. I said a coma would be nice.

 

[JoiseyMom]

OP...just talk to your DD and let her know that she can come to you and you won't be judgemental. I am very thankful that my DD talks to me about everything. She considers me her best friend. I hope this continues through the next 4 years of HS!! WE talk all the time.

 

[NHdisneylover]

A friend in work asked me if she was going to have to give me "something" to get me through the next four years. I said a coma would be nice.

That;s what margaritas are for (kidding, kidding--but cruises, well yes, if one week a year everyone is happy and relaxed with no issue then I am good).

 

[eliza61]

DD is 14 and will be in high school next year and I'm wondering whether sharing some past experiences with her is a good idea or TMI. I'm thinking along the way of boys, alcohol, drugs, teen pregnancy, rumor mills, bullying etc. We talk, or I should say I talk, about a lot of things, but I haven't shared anything too deep or detailed with her and I'm wondering if now is the time, or if teens shouldn't hear certain things. Unfortunately DD is usually a closed book and shares nothing. In a way I'm glad she deals with things on her own, but I'm concerned that she doesn't have anything to base her decisions on, other than her friends and their behavior.

Anyway, I'd like to know what your experiences are with this type of sharing and how you've dealt with it and also how it was received by your child(ren). Thanks!

I have two teenage boys, well I should say one is 19 now so he's a young adult.
Anyway from the time they were born my stance has been that I want them to have factual, truthful information about sex, sexuality, drugs, pregnancy, prematerial any thing. I firmly believe that nowadays kids are exposed to so much stuff and there is absolutely no way to keep kids from this, no matter how well we isolate them.
So, with that in mind, my dh and I have been talking with our kids since they were 6. From where babies came from to homosexuality.
Now they are so use to us discuss "Taboo" subjects that talking about our views on abortion are handle without embarrasment or fear.

I don't think it's encouraged them to be promiscuious (sp) or to want to experiment with drugs.

I was pretty open with my kids about my "wild" days in college, I didn't go into exact details but we do talk about some things I regret and some experiences I could probably have handled better.

my vote is to arm your daughter with information and your views. You'll be happy you did.

 

[MrsPete]

Great. . .she's only 13 so I have a year of it getting worse

I'm not going to lie to you: In my experience, 14 is the pits for girls. They're nasty to one another (and to their teachers), self-conscious about everything. There's a reason I teach seniors. But if you stick to your guns, things'll get better. If you allow the 14-year old girl to run your household, you'll never get back control.

Good luck. It'll be better . . . if not soon, eventually.

Also, keep her away from senior boys. I've specifically heard senior boys talking about their desire to date freshmen girls because they'll "do anything". And -- for many girls -- it's true. Snagging a senior boyfriend gives a freshman girl major status among her friends. Senior boys can drive, and most have their own cars. It means she'll be invited to attend prom. And many girls will "do anything" for those benefits.

 

[MrsPete]

I don't think it's encouraged them to be promiscuious (sp) or to want to experiment with drugs.

I agree that factual information won't make them go out and try the things you're discussing -- but it does assure you that they know the truth. I don't think it's a bad idea to give them a book about sex (that way, if they won't ask you questions, at least they can look up the information). Teens pass around lots of false information. You've heard some of it: You can't get pregnant the first time, can't get pregnant standing up, pot doesn't count as a real drug, etc., etc., etc. The best thing I've heard lately: "My mom did crack while she was pregnant with me, so I can do all the crack I want, and it won't affect me." How does one respond to that?

 

[minkydog]

I have had a pretty open policy with both of my older kids from the time they were little. DS23 actually asked more questions--he always knew just how to get to the heart of the most embarrassing stuff. But I never backed down from telling him the truth, although I do hold back on the details.

DD17 is pretty close to the vest. She doesn't share a lot, but when we get to talking she'll open up some. Sometimes I share things with her about my growing up years, old boyfriends, drugs, depression, money, college experiences, etc. She's going to be a senior so our conversations have gotten more revealing in the past year than they had been. Not long ago we had a conversation about me being a nurse and why I chose the specialty I'm in. I told her the truth--that I don't feel comfortable with men so I intentionally put myself into pediatrics and women's health. She got right to the point--"Why? Did something happen?" I had to take a deep breath--how much do I tell her? How comfortable am I with her knowing the truth? I finally decided to just say "I had a difficult childhood and some people were not very nice to me." That was all I felt I could say. The need to protect oneself is very strong. Perhaps some day we will revisit that, but for now I think I said enough.

OP, keep talking. DD and I have our best conversations in the car going out for ice cream or driving down for a pedicure. Just me and her, sitting in the dark talking. I try to let her see that I wasn't always a grey-haired, stuffy old lady and that I once faced the same teen issues that she faces now. And that some of my choices were good ones and some had consequences. She has asked me if I ever smoked marijuana. Well, that's a yes or no question. So I told her yes, I did try it in college. I didn't smoke it a lot, but on occasion I did. She ran straight into the house screaming at the top of her lungs, 'DAD!DAD! Did you know mom smoked pot in college??!!" A-yeh, he was my rolling partner, hon.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I have had a pretty open policy with both of my older kids from the time they were little. DS23 actually asked more questions--he always knew just how to get to the heart of the most embarrassing stuff. But I never backed down from telling him the truth, although I do hold back on the details.

DD17 is pretty close to the vest. She doesn't share a lot, but when we get to talking she'll open up some. Sometimes I share things with her about my growing up years, old boyfriends, drugs, depression, money, college experiences, etc. She's going to be a senior so our conversations have gotten more revealing in the past year than they had been. Not long ago we had a conversation about me being a nurse and why I chose the specialty I'm in. I told her the truth--that I don't feel comfortable with men so I intentionally put myself into pediatrics and women's health. She got right to the point--"Why? Did something happen?" I had to take a deep breath--how much do I tell her? How comfortable am I with her knowing the truth? I finally decided to just say "I had a difficult childhood and some people were not very nice to me." That was all I felt I could say. The need to protect oneself is very strong. Perhaps some day we will revisit that, but for now I think I said enough.

OP, keep talking. DD and I have our best conversations in the car going out for ice cream or driving down for a pedicure. Just me and her, sitting in the dark talking. I try to let her see that I wasn't always a grey-haired, stuffy old lady and that I once faced the same teen issues that she faces now. And that some of my choices were good ones and some had consequences. She has asked me if I ever smoked marijuana. Well, that's a yes or no question. So I told her yes, I did try it in college. I didn't smoke it a lot, but on occasion I did. She ran straight into the house screaming at the top of her lungs, 'DAD!DAD! Did you know mom smoked pot in college??!!" A-yeh, he was my rolling partner, hon.

Minky, thank you so much for sharing your story and providing examples for me. You know exactly what I meant by sharing and crossing the line into TMI. Sometimes you don't have to provide the details in order for them to completely understand. And I love your pot in college story.

I tried to start a conversation with DD tonight. I touched on a few subjects and told her I would try to be more ears and less mouth in the future, that I would always try my best to tell her the truth and that she could ask me anything. She jokingly indicated she might have to test me in the future by making stuff up to see how I react. (this my girl). I told her I can only promise to do my best, not perform miracles. We'll see how it goes but at least I'm still trying.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I'm not going to lie to you: In my experience, 14 is the pits for girls. They're nasty to one another (and to their teachers), self-conscious about everything. There's a reason I teach seniors. But if you stick to your guns, things'll get better. If you allow the 14-year old girl to run your household, you'll never get back control.

Good luck. It'll be better . . . if not soon, eventually.

Also, keep her away from senior boys. I've specifically heard senior boys talking about their desire to date freshmen girls because they'll "do anything". And -- for many girls -- it's true. Snagging a senior boyfriend gives a freshman girl major status among her friends. Senior boys can drive, and most have their own cars. It means she'll be invited to attend prom. And many girls will "do anything" for those benefits.

I guess you have pointed out some great advantages to me of being in the German school system. The kids here are in the same building from grade 5-12. Freshman means nothing (and senior does not mean much either since about half the kids leave for internships after 10th grade and half stay on the 12th to then go to university). No prom. No one drives until 18, but everyone can get anywhere they want on trams and trains anyway. So hopefully the older boys will have less appeal. Having started in a district that had her start kindergarten at 4 she is 13 in a class about equally divided among 14, 15 and 16 year olds. For the first time she likes a boy (and he likes her) and I fully admit I breathed a sigh of relief when I found out it was a 14 year old. Of course some younger boys are terrible and some older ones are great, but I still think the odds are more in my favour this way. SO far they just hang out at school. They have another 6 weeks before summer--which is time for plenty of drama.