How long is long enough to store grown kids' stuff??

[The Mystery Machine]

I set a deadline last summer. It went totally unnoticed. Even my mom has asked them each time she's seen them over the past two years. They're always coming to do it "next weekend" but never do.

I thought about putting it out but remember going to a yard sale several years ago with a friend that I later found out was DS32 DFi's parents' house. She'd just moved out and her mom was selling her stuff - even her used flipflops... It seemed really harsh to me at the time but now I feel guilty for misjudging the poor woman.

Our house is large enough and there are seperate entrances so they had their space and we have ours. Problem is, their space looks worse than when they were still living in it. There's really good stuff (stamps, unopened presents, nice shoes/purses, ect) mixed in with what I discovered later were literally their garbage bags. Obviously we threw the garbage away long ago but what's left isn't just a stack of boxes that need to be moved. It'll take quite a few full days for us to pickup/sort/pack/get it out and I have enough to do now so I've been putting it off hoping eventually they'd do it.

DH's health has been getting steadily worse and we haven't even heard from DS32 directly in nearly two months now. I'm sure he has no clue how bad DH's health is b/c he hasn't been here to see it and can't believe his strong dad is slowly losing the use of his muscles. I know calling to set an ultimatum may cause a big blow up so wanted other opinions in case I was being unreasonable...

Frankly, I would just throw it away. I would not even bother asking them about it anymore.

When I moved out I took all my stuff with me. I expect my kids to do the same. Well I know they will because they would not trust me to not get rid of their stuff or sell it.

 

[buckler]

I wouldn't pay for a storage unit. You will have to pack everything and haul it there plus be out some $$$$.

Put all of his DF's shoes in a cardboard box. Make sure it is overflowing with shoes so you can tell what is in it. Put it outside next to the trash can and take a photo so it looks like you are throwing them out (you can take them back inside afterwards). Email it to the DF and tell her to come rescue her shoes and the rest of their stuff. If that doesn't work, then nothing will.

 

[Dancemom03]

I'm sorry OP but I'm picking up on a few things here, you said "I'm betting his place is tidy"...he moved out 2 yrs ago.. so you don't know the condition which means you don't go there? Then you said you haven't heard from him directly in 2 months?

You're right, I haven't been to their home yet. DH helped them move in so he's seen it but doesn't remember much. He & DD9 are the only ones who've seen it. The entire extended family was told when they moved into it that we could expect an invitation to an open house just as soon as they got moved in and finished decorating. Apparently that hasn't happened yet...

We haven't heard from him in the last two months b/c he and his dad had words over vehicles left behind in the yard. Normally DH is very tolerant when it comes to DS32 but it was the week before a scheduled surgery and he was stressed. Typically, I'm the bad guy but was out with friends and am told it was not pretty.

Between the enormous amount of snow last month and the disagreement, I suspect DS has been steering clear of the house for the past few weeks waiting for things to warm up. That's not my primary reason for wanting their junk gone - trying to get the house in shape to eventually sell is - but not hearing from him recently sure doesn't encourage me to keep it either...

 

[Dancemom03]

I'd find a storage unit in your town with a short term lease - like 3 months. I'd pay for the 3 months rental and move all the stuff your son has at your house into it. Then I'd give him the key and tell him the rent is paid until a certain date, and that he can either pay to store it after that or move it to his own house.

Tell him you are downsizing and didn't want to throw away his stuff but that you will be putting your house on the market this summer.

I'd actually thought of this last summer when they doing a $1 first month rental at the storage lockers in town. I figured after that, if they didn't pay or take the stuff, the storage facility would eventually sell it to pay for the storage fee. DH wasn't ready to agree to that at the time b/c we were always told they'd take it with them the next weekend. Unfortunately, even though they came to visit that next weekend, they'd end up leaving empty handed...

 

[java]

My mom got rid of my stuff as soon as I graduated from College. She just threw it all out. I came home from school went looking for things and she said "oh I threw that junk out"

My only advice is - don't do that. Call and say you are giving them how ever many days you want for them to pick it up. At 30+ it's time.

 

[disykat]

If you tell them you'll sell it at your garage sale, make sure they understand that YOU will having to deal with it means YOU will be keeping the proceeds. They may expect you to give them the money.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You're right, I haven't been to their home yet. DH helped them move in so he's seen it but doesn't remember much. He & DD9 are the only ones who've seen it. The entire extended family was told when they moved into it that we could expect an invitation to an open house just as soon as they got moved in and finished decorating. Apparently that hasn't happened yet...

We haven't heard from him in the last two months b/c he and his dad had words over vehicles left behind in the yard. Normally DH is very tolerant when it comes to DS32 but it was the week before a scheduled surgery and he was stressed. Typically, I'm the bad guy but was out with friends and am told it was not pretty.

Between the enormous amount of snow last month and the disagreement, I suspect DS has been steering clear of the house for the past few weeks waiting for things to warm up. That's not my primary reason for wanting their junk gone - trying to get the house in shape to eventually sell is - but not hearing from him recently sure doesn't encourage me to keep it either...

It is time for you to step up to the plate and do what you need to do instead of communicating with your son. That time has passed.

I am big on accepting your reality. The reality is your son is not going to suddenly become respectful to you.

Sounds like you have land and people take advantage of you.

Toughen up some of those muscles you have....

 

[Sandy V.]

If you tell them you'll sell it at your garage sale, make sure they understand that YOU will having to deal with it means YOU will be keeping the proceeds. They may expect you to give them the money.

Very good point. Also, I'm against renting any sort of storage unit. Why on earth should you have to foot a temporary bill for this, let alone have to MOVE the stuff there in the first place?!?!? Lots of time and trouble.

If your son wants it bad enough, he'll come get it after you let him know the firm deadline. And if it doesn't matter to him, he won't and you can dispose of it however you wish.

 

[Tinkmom75]

I guess I must be mean. My DD16 has several boxes of clothes etc in a spare room. They are either too small, out of date or she doesn't wear them for whatever reason. We already had a garage sale. This is leftover stuff. I told her to take pics and I would post the stuff on ebay last summer and she could have the $$. She didn't do a thing. I told her if she didn't want them then I would take the items to goodwill otherwise the stuff goes in her room. It's still there. Can you guess who will be loading up my van this weekend with items to take to goodwill? Feels like spring cleaning time to me

 

[LuvOrlando]

Where I live there are moving services that will empty out your garage if they get to keep everything in it. I'm sure this would include whatever living quarters your DS and his friend shared. If I were in your situation I would tell DS in a very sweet non-mad nice conversation and follow up with a letter addressed to both him and his friend with a specific date, say June 3, 2010, that he has until that date to remove the stuff either to his house or a storage facility or that you will have the stuff taken from the property. Explain that you've been patiently waiting but can't wait any longer for exactly the reasons you stated: DH isn't well, will be retiring and that you need to prepare for a move.

As long as you have a copy of the letter, better yet an e-mail with you blind cc'd on it, if he or his friend try to sue you in small claims court for their possessions you have proof you tried to be reasonable.

 

[Kathi OD]

I'm sorry, but no way would I be renting space. That rental will be in your name. No way he is going to pay the bill or come and get the stuff so you won't have to. You don't need another bill during this stressful time in your life.

As for the deadline; you've already set one and it has come and gone. No need to inform DS or the GF that you're getting rid of their stuff. Imitate Nike. Just Do It. (and now).

 

[SC Minnie]

When I moved out of my parents house and she got ready to clean out my old space she called and asked me if I wanted any of my stuff left behind. She told me to come get it that weekend or she was putting in the church yard sale. And from past experience I know she would do just that!

I picked up the things I wanted and donated the rest to the church yard sale.

 

[crz4mm2]

Go with the yard sale. Don't tell him, just invite him then he can BUY what he wants

 

[PaulaSue]

Tell them that you are having a yard sale to downsize and if they don't get theire stuff it iwll be the first to go. GIve them a 1 month DATE and stick to it.

 

[Luvchefmic]

You're right, I haven't been to their home yet. DH helped them move in so he's seen it but doesn't remember much. He & DD9 are the only ones who've seen it. The entire extended family was told when they moved into it that we could expect an invitation to an open house just as soon as they got moved in and finished decorating. Apparently that hasn't happened yet...

We haven't heard from him in the last two months b/c he and his dad had words over vehicles left behind in the yard. Normally DH is very tolerant when it comes to DS32 but it was the week before a scheduled surgery and he was stressed. Typically, I'm the bad guy but was out with friends and am told it was not pretty.

Between the enormous amount of snow last month and the disagreement, I suspect DS has been steering clear of the house for the past few weeks waiting for things to warm up. That's not my primary reason for wanting their junk gone - trying to get the house in shape to eventually sell is - but not hearing from him recently sure doesn't encourage me to keep it either...

2 things 1-800-GOT-Junk as far as the car in the driveway if it's not legally registered I'd have it pushed off my property & let the police deal with it......do I sound tough ? So be it, kids (of any age) can't walk all over you if you refuse to lie on the floor with the words "Welcome" or "Wipe feet here" written on your chest.

 

[DVCLiz]

I don't see that sorting, boxing and moving these items is any more work than sorting, pricing and selling it in your front yard. It's all going to be work for somebody.

The storage unit idea has the most chance of success because:

a. It gets the stuff out of your house, on YOUR terms. YOU decide when and how to pack and store it, and where it goes. YOU decide how long to pay for it and when the rental ends. YOU end up with a clean house and a safe, secure place for your son's items to be stored.

b. You have been respectful of his stuff, which means you stand a better chance of having a relationship with him in the log run. You didn't trash his stuff, didn't sell it in a yard sale, didn't give it to Goodwill. You relocated it to a safe place and gave him the ultimate control over the items. What he chooses to do after the rental is up is now HIS business - but if he fails to get the items it has nothing to do with you anymore.

c. Any of the other solutions are mean-spirited - and quite honestly, if you've let it go on this long and your husband hasn't backed you up then I can see why your son continues to take advantage of you. The solution is to remove the items form your home with the least amount of emotional backlash. That's why a storage unit is the best idea. Paying a few months' rent? How much would it be worth it to you to go back and do that down the road when your son won't let you see your possible grandchildren because he's nursing a grudge about his stuff?

Store his stuff, preserve the relationship, and move on.

 

[curious3069]

Pitch it and don't think twice about it. Buy a box of strong garbage bags and have at it. Don't wait a month or string it out any longer. They obviously don't need it or would have contacted you by now about it. If he gets mad, so be it, it's not like you haven't reminded him of it before.

I've learned these lessons from my mother, who actually wraps up things from when we were kids and gives them to us at Christmas!!!


Wait, there's a car left behind too??? Here's my new plan, have a yard sale, pay for a tow truck to tow the cars to his new house!

 

[flamingglobessigmund]

Would it be wrong of me to throw it out or add it to our own junk at a yard sale this spring?

Not in the least. You've allowed him to use up valuable real estate in your home, for free, long enough.

 

[Luvchefmic]

c. Any of the other solutions are mean-spirited - and quite honestly, if you've let it go on this long and your husband hasn't backed you up then I can see why your son continues to take advantage of you. The solution is to remove the items form your home with the least amount of emotional backlash. That's why a storage unit is the best idea. Paying a few months' rent? How much would it be worth it to you to go back and do that down the road when your son won't let you see your possible grandchildren because he's nursing a grudge about his stuff?

Store his stuff, preserve the relationship, and move on.

Whoa! There is NO way I would treat my kids or anyone else for that matter with "kid gloves" afraid of the emotional fall out from their not getting their way. Seriously? Why have a relationship where you have to be careful not to do or say something that lets someone else hold you emotionally hostage The DS needs a kick in his behind

 

[DVCLiz]

Whoa! There is NO way I would treat my kids or anyone else for that matter with "kid gloves" afraid of the emotional fall out from their not getting their way. Seriously? Why have a relationship where you have to be careful not to do or say something that lets someone else hold you emotionally hostage The DS needs a kick in his behind

I don't see this as a "kid gloves" solution at all. Not doing anything about it for two years has been a "kid gloves" solution.

Also, I see this all the time on the DIS and in real life. People get mad and pop off and then someone holds a grudge forever and there is huge drama. You can be respectful and still get your goal accomplished.

The reason most people want a garbage/yard sale solution is because most people can't resist the "gotcha" part of the situation. Not only do they want the OP to get her house clean, they want to make sure the son is "punished." I just don't think there's any need for that. Get the stuff moved, store it for the short term, turn the issue over to the son. Done and done.

OP, I don't know what to tell you about the car.