How long before a widow/er should move on?

[dg39]

I don't think there is or should be any "time frame". Sometimes people just don't want to be alone. Isn't it fun to go out with someone and have a good time. Why is it that because a spouse dies, the happiness should stop. I think its up to the individual and if there aren't little kids involved then whatever is good for the person left behind, is just right. It must be awful, to feel all alone. Alittle companionship can go along way.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'm not sure there should be a specific time frame per se, but starting to date 1 or 2 months after losing your spouse of 40+ years is denial. We have to go through grief, it has a progression, just like any other thing in life. If you halt the natural progression of grief, it comes back eventually to bite oyu on the butt!

 

[CookieGVB]

I would never begrudge anyone seeking happiness after losing a spouse.

I'm fairly sure my mother would never remarry, but if she did find someone else, I'd be happy for her. She deserves happiness, and if that means finding another partner, then, by all means.

 

[Shugardrawers]

I don't think there's a timeline either. My grandparents were married 57 years. Grandpa remarried within a year of her death. He just hated being alone. Maybe for some it's a way of avoidin the pain. Personally, if DH dies before me, I have every intention of remarrying just as soon as I find the right person. I like the companionship of being married. I was single for 10 years after my divorce and I hated every minute of it. I'm glad I waited it out to find my dream DH but UGH I hate dating.

 

[C.Ann]

People react differently to the loss of a spouse or a significant other.. Some move on quick quickly and others mourn for years..

Bottom line is you really don't know what your SIL's & BIL's relationship was prior to her death - nor do you know why the BIL responded in the manner he did.. Without having full knowledge of every personal detail of their lives it's really kind of hard to make a fair judgement of his actions..

You need to let the anger go because the only person it's hurting and eating away at is you..

 

[vernon]

Different people grieve in different ways. The time they take varies dramatically, I don't think it is fair or reasonable to tell another person how they should deal with the death of a partner, IMHO whatever gets you through the ordeal.

I do think men and women behave in different ways, and perhaps in general men are more likely to find another partner quicker (although my Fiance worked with a girl that was dating another guy within a week of her boyfriend being killed in a RTA, she even asked for time off work to go to the funeral, and promptly took off with her new boyfriend for the weekend). Some of that may be down to a desire for sex, although I think intimacy and comfort is probably a greater driving force. But I think a lot more is because men usually have much less of a support network of friends and relatives about them than women do. It is very likely that most men in that situation would find it difficult to turn to their friends, colleagues and relatives for comfort in a difficult time like the death of a partner. It is much more socially acceptable for a woman to ask for ( and receive) comfort and understanding from her social group than for a man to do so.

In this situation, maybe he did know this person before his wife died, that doesn't mean he was "involved" romantically with her before the death, but that she was an obvious person for him to turn to. Maybe he was already having an affair with her, maybe you're looking for someone to take out your hurt on and your BIL and his new wife are the easiest for you to do it with. All are possible, but I tend to agree with Carol Anne that the feelings you are showing are likely to do you more harm than good and that you need to give a great deal of thought to your actions and how they effect your nephews. It wouldn't be suprising if they are taking their hurt out on the person they see as replacing their mom, therefore however well she behaved, she may get critisism from them.

The only thing worse than losing a family member is having something like this happen afterwards.

Your BIL may well feel exactly that way, he's lost his wife and he's very likely aware that he's getting attitude and critisism from her family.

 

[twinmomplus2new]

We had a situation like this in our family. Not the rotten to the kids part but quick replacement.... My grandmother said...
Women Grieve... Men replace.

Sounds about right for alot of men.

 

[currycook]

I have dwelt with this and can only share what I learned from experience as a Pastor but also what I learned in some graduate level classes from the bereavement experts who deal with this on a daily basis and have studied it.

3 General rules I have learned.

1. The old wive's tale that "it should take one year to get over the loss of a spouse." is totally false. For everyone its different. For some is will take half of that while for others it will take more than double that. Everyone is different.

2. The old wive's tale that, "If he or she gets married before a year it means he or she didnt really love their dearly departed or just wants sex, or whatever" - WRONG! Studies have actually shown the opposite. When a person is in a very successful or blessed relationship he or she is prone to get married sooner than later. It is because that past relationship was so good or so meaningful to them they cannot see themselves now living without it. In fact some get married when perhaps they shouldnt simply because they are hoping that this new relationship will be as good as the one that just ended by death. It is my experience as a pastor that this is very very hard on children as they dont understand this and they really dont want their father or mother to get married again and see the new marriage as somehow deminishing the past relationship. This can be very hard on Children as they deal with their own grief.

3. Generally true men will get married sooner than women after a death but again its most often because the man found such satisfaction in his previous relationship that he wishes for such a relationship again. Contrary to what I have seen on this thread it is not about sex but about the satisfaction of the past relationship.

 

[aprilgail2]

I just went to my 82 year old uncles wedding last month. He and his wife were married for 60 years...he started seeing a woman a few months after she died and married within a year and a half. When she died he was just totally lost, wasn't eating or doing anything but going to church and watching TV so it was good he met someone and got him out of the house.

 

[skiwee1]

When my dad died suddenly of a heart attack at age 55 my mom signed up for a widows support group. During the 4 years she was with that group she noticed something. All of the women that had their husband pass didn't date or even think about dating for a year or longer. Their feelings were that they really didn't want to have to take care of a man for a while. They were not looking forward to being the only person to clean, cook, and everything else. While they deeply missed their husbands, they were not ready to give up their unexpectant freedom. When a man joined the group he was asking the women for dates within the month! All of the men did this. The women were at first horrified that someone can be such a pig while their dead wives bodies were still warm but after the years they indeed saw a pattern. The men were only looking for someone to replace the domestic talents of the wives. These men were trying to get remarried as soon as possible. So I really feel that it is most men that act this way with very few actually waiting. These men are out to find their housekeepers. How sad for the family that has to see this.

 

[HollyJoy]

Not really sure what the correct or appropriate time to wait would be.. I would guess that it's different for everyone. But, only 2 months doesn't seem like too much time at all!

 

[DebbieB]

My grandmother (dad's mother) was bedridden with lung cancer around the age of 60. She had a home nurse come daily, a widow with a teenage son. After she died, the home nurse was still hanging around the house with my grandfather. My mother suspected something was going on and mentioned it to my dad and he got very upset, told her not to say such a thing again. Less than a month after my grandmother died, he announced he was marrying her! Bought her a nice engagement ring! I think it was a case where he did not want to live alone, he was married to my grandmother over 30 years. He was the type of man who needed to be taken care of. They married about 6 months after my grandmother died. My Dad kind of accepted it but his sister never did. They were married about 20 years when she passed away. He was about 80 then, my dad had passed away by then, so his sister moved him to a nursing home near where she lived in Michigan. He got in trouble at the home for chasing women! He ended up passing away in late 1999 at the age of 90. He was buried next to my grandmother in the joint grave they bought before she died. I believe his second wife was buried with her first husband.

 

[safetymom]

I was 42 when my husband passed away. He was 47. He went in for surgery and we had the discussion about what to do if he should ever die. He said I should be sad for a year or so but I should start living after that.

I waited about a year before I found someone I wanted to date. We did for about 2 years but realized he wasn't someone I wanted to spend my life with.

It was nobody's business but mine and my children when I decided to move forward and start dating. I got all kinds of nasty comments when I did decide to start dating.

It didn't change the love I had for my husband. He was gone and wasn't coming back My husband would have been the first person to be happy for me finding love after he died.

I think what you feel if your spouse is living would be different if you had lost your spouse and then found love again.

It is 9 years since he died and I date now and then but found that life isn't all bad without a man.

You have no clue the emotions you go through when your spouse dies unless you have been through it.

 

[Chattyaholic]

It really is up to the person it happened to. Until you've walked a mile in their shoes you can't judge them, or rather...shouldn't.

It's different for everyone. One person may think 2 months is enough, another may think 2 years. It's up to them.

My FIL remarried one year after we lost MIL to Lou Gehrig's disease. Obviously he was dating this woman several months prior. We thought nothing of it. It was HIS decision. This other woman had lost her husband to cancer, so they BOTH went through a tremendous amount of pain with their spouses. When they married we all were nothing but happy for them. They deserve to be happy, after all they went through.

And you can't really say what you would or wouldn't do if you lost your spouse, until it actually happens to you. You may believe you wouldn't start seeing someone soon after, but you don't really know.