How long before a widow/er should move on?

[MosMom]

The whole roadside shrine thread reminded me of this...

Is there a set time? How long would you be comfortable with? The reason I ask is....

After my SIL died, my BIL had a girlfriend 2 months later. He actually started talking to her 1 month after and said she was just someone to talk to...until the next month when he admitted they had been dating. It really always pissed me off. Then to rub salt in the wound, the idiot marries her a year later the same week his wife died. She of course moves in and removes all remnants of my SIL and starts treating my nephews like garbage (and still does). THAT is an entirely different post though.

I have vented about this many times before to others and some think it is awful and some think it is "normal" for a man to do this because they can't handle a family on their own. It is true that my BIL wasn't a great father even when SIL was alive and wasn't home much. After she died, he dropped the boys anywhere he could and probably was quite desperate to have someone to care for them again.

I still hate him for it and I probably always will be pissed. I've always felt that it was a slap in the face to my SIL's memory and could never quite figure out how you could be with someone for 10 years and then move on so easily 2 months later.

If DH died, I couldn't FATHOM finding someone else a month later. Is it different for men & women? Do I watch too many movies and think the man should pine away for years?

What do you all think? I know there is no set time but isn't a month or two a little ridiculous?

 

[Crankyshank]

It really all depends on the person and the relationship.

I have to say, if someone is moving on after a month or 2, the relationship probably died before the person did.

 

[Hillbeans]

My father had a date less than 4 weeks after my mom died last year . IT was shocking and very disturbing.

My dad is almost 71 though and he really does want a woman around to cook/clean/take care of him. He's old fashioned.

A year has passed now and he's dating, going to singles dances and what not...in fact he's trying very hard to find a woman. It's very tough for me to deal with, and my brother isn't dealing with it well at all.

I do think that men, older men, do want companionship. A lot of the older women he's dating aren't interested in taking care of a 70 year old man when they have their own lives going on. They just like going on dates with no commitments, which my dad is getting sort of tired of.

 

[Serena]

I know what you mean. I was a teenager when my aunt died. Her husband spent the night of the funeral with a woman. And continued living with her. My cousin moved in with her dad at that point in another state. I don't think anyone forgave him for that.

But at what point is it reasonable to be able to date when a spouse dies? I don't know. I know different people grieve in different ways and have different things to go through and I try not to be judgemental. But it's a hard question.

 

[4greatboys]

Something seems off about the whole thing. I cant imagine even thinking about dating or other people if my dh died. Then like Cranky said sounds like their relationship was over before she passed away.

 

[pw2pp]

It's hard to say as you don't really know what their marriage was like (no one really knows what someone else's marriage was like).
Also, I'm sure it is different for everyone (grieving time).

The only thing that would concern me is that she treats the children bad.
Just do the most you can with the kids....... take them places, out to lunch, to their Mom's gravesite, etc.....
Help keep their memories of their Mom alive and share good thoughts of her with them.

I am sorry about the loss of your sister.

 

[MosMom]

Originally posted by 4greatboys
Something seems off about the whole thing. I cant imagine even thinking about dating or other people if my dh died. Then like Cranky said sounds like their relationship was over before she passed away.

I always suspected that perhaps they were seeing each other before she died. Never had proof and he claims they met after she died. *shrug*

 

[EsmeraldaX]

I don't think there is really a set time. We all get over things at a different rate.

I tend to think that some people try to rush the getting over it part by jumping into another relationship right away. Maybe the companionship lets them focus on something nice, and not the pain?

 

[tar heel]

I think people are really different. Some just need someone to be with. I think men may be more needy in general than women.

My aunt died of a long illness after 40 years of marriage. They were high school sweethearts. My uncle, who had just retired when she got ill, was a magnificent caretaker for her for over a year. Within a couple of months of her death, he started seeing a woman in my aunt's church circle who came to bring him meals. She is a very nice lady, a widow who was actually older than him. It was really hard on his children -- they came home to be together their first Christmas and Dad spent most of his time with the girlfriend.

In this case, I don't think the relationship with my aunt had died. But my uncle hadn't had a real wife in a long time -- he had had a patient instead. I guess he was mostly through grieving by the time she died and needed someone to focus on him. I can see this now in retrospect, but it was really hard for all the family at the time b/c it was just too soon for us.

 

[KristaTX]

Originally posted by Serena
I was a teenager when my aunt died. Her husband spent the night of the funeral with a woman. And continued living with her.

 

[NMAmy]

My grandparents had been married for 50 years when my grandmother died. My grandfather began dating one particular woman fairly quickly (within a couple of months.) My grandmother had had several strokes and he took care of her at home for some time before she went to the nursing home. When she was in the home, he went to visit her every day.

My grandmother was very bossy--and so was his new girlfriend. We all just figured that he was kind of lost without someone telling him what to do. No one in the family really cared for this woman, but he liked her and she made him happy so we kept our mouths shut and were polite and friendly when we spent time with the two of them.

I think men have a harder time being without someone to look after them. My grandmother on the other side of the family--was a widow for the rest of her life after my grandfather died when my dad was 17. She lived into her 90's.

 

[MosMom]

The only thing that would concern me is that she treats the children bad.

They live in Canada and we live in Indiana. I send the boys new clothes and talk to them whenever we can. My MIL is still up there and also buys them new clothes. However, whenever they come visit...they are wearing trash. We never see the new clothes we buy for them. They look like they live in poverty and have no clothes. When my FIL passed in January. She packed them jeans with holes in the knees to wear to his funeral. My MIL had just bought them nice pants and dress shirts at Christmas. We had to go out and buy the boys something decent to wear to their grandpa's funeral.

Yeah, I could go on and on. My younger nephew has serious issues with abandonment and they know this. He has nightmares about all of us dying and he is left alone etc. He was in therapy for awhile but apparently he doesn't need it anymore. Sooo, knowing this...they go on vacation as a family and leave JUST HIM behind. They are idiots. Regardless of that though...the boys are such good boys. My older nephew is 14 now and such a good boy.

I would like to make a stink and we have discussed trying to get custody but they don't beat the kids and the chances of getting them away from their dad is slim to none. I just grin and bear it because I fear if I raise a stink, they will limit our visits with the boys. My MIL fears the same.

The only thing worse than losing a family member is having something like this happen afterwards.

Annnnyway...can you tell I needed to vent?

 

[mickeyfan1]

It all depends on the person. While I don't condone what happened with the OPs BIL, sometimes things that we don't agree with go on. I have an uncle (he is in his late 70s)who has been married 4 times. His first wife divorced him, he was remarried within a few months. She divorced him. Wife # one left the kids with him, wife number 2 didn't want them around, but he wouldn't send them to the ex. So number 2 left. Then the uncle hired a live in to help out with the kids, she was 20 years older than him, but you guessed it, they married. She died a couple of years ago after a long battle with Alheimers, they were married at least 30 years. With in 2 months of her death, he married again. And his current wife is his late wifes granddaughter. He contantly asks my mother why she isn't looking for a man after my father died. He just can't see being alone. But he never strayed from any of his wives, he was just really good at finding a new relationship and getting married.

There is a thought that if you have a happy marraige and lose your spouse via death, that you will be more inclined to remarry quickly, and often to someone in the same position. I do have a good friend who remarried 5 months after her husband dies, her new husband was a widower, his wife had died less than a year before. They are very happy, they don't look at it as being unfaithful to the memory of their deceased spouse, they just found each other at the right time.

 

[Pin Wizard]

I could go on for pages with this one, but I'll spare you. I dated someone 8 months after my husband died. It was on and off a couple years, then I didn't date anyone until moving here. That would be 9 years since the previous date. LOL!

Grief is different for everyone. There's no set time limit. And widows and widowers certainly don't need to hear "well meaning" people say...you should be over it by now! No, pretty much you're not for a long time. You learn to deal with it, you don't think so much, but then something can put you back in that place...a holiday, a birthday, something you used to enjoy doing together that you're now doing alone. A zillion reasons. Someone I know described grief as coming in waves. Sometimes you're okay, other times you're in the dumps.

Personally, I think men date/remarry more quickly than women do.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Cute story here - My 86 year old grandma, has been a widow for over 13 years.

She is "dating" an adorable 90 year old man whose wife died 11 years ago. She met him at Bingo at her church. They go grocery shopping together and they have breakfast at McDonalds together after church on Sundays. It is the sweetest thing I have ever seen.

He tries to win her over by giving her gifts, like $5 gift cards to Wal Mart (she loves shopping there). It is just so cute. Words can not even express how sweet it is.

 

[missypie]

My friend's husband died in a car accident 2 1/2 years ago and she is no where near ready to date. (She's in her mid-40s.) I think that some guys want/(need?) sex so much that that takes priority.

 

[Margie J]

This situation of dating "too quickly" has caused a rift between friends of mine.

One friend of ours lost his wife last Summer after a short but terrible illness. He was left to care for two young boys and expressed the feeling that he didn't know how he would manage on his own.

Within a few months he was already dating, a couple women in fact. Then comes New Years Eve, five months after his wife's death. The widower shows up with one girlfriend and the kids in tow. The sight of this enraged the husband of another friend. He thought it was way too soon to be parading around a girlfriend in front of everyone, especially his kids. This made others take sides too.

My feeling is that in the course of his wife's illness he probably came to terms with her end. They both knew it was soon. The widower is a very dependant person and probably found much comfort (in many ways) by being with a woman. Knowing his wife she may have even told him after I'm gone go out and have fun. However, with young kids in the picture I believe they should be the priority before their father's fun. The women he did date had NO interest in children and this was not the time to push aside grieving children. The widower has now stopped dating and focused his attention on his children. In time he will find an appropriate woman for him and the kids.

 

[totalia]

It sounds to me like he was just lonely and looking for companionship. Not a good reason to end up with someone else so soon but he still did it.

It's been a year and a half and my stepfather still wears his ring. I catch him crying sometimes though he tries to hide it. He really planned on spending the rest of his life with my mom and loved her very much. If he gets married again, I will be very very surprised.

I think there is really no appropriate set time. People move on when they move on and everyone deals with death in different ways.

 

[tinatark]

I have a friend whose husband was killed in a car accident. She remarried about 1.5 years later. To her husbands' best friend. He was there for her after the accident, is very respectful of what they shared.

I think everyone handles it differently. I also think that sometimes people who had a great marriage are more apt to marry again sooner, as they know "how it is" and want to be part of that again. I joke with my dh that he'll bring a date to my funeral!

 

[mickeyboat]

My FIL was dating 2 months after my MIL's death. MIL had been sick for a long time and he was very supportive of her to the end. He loved her dearly, they were married for 41 years.

I think FIL is the type who can't run his life on his own, MIL always planned everything for him. She also took care of everything around the house and cooked every meal. He was lost without her, so he started seeing someone else. He maintained his independence to a certain extent - he stayed at his house during the day and spent the evenings with her after she came home from work. Kinda strange, but I guess it worked for them.

When we moved in with him while our house was being renovated, and I started cleaning and cooking and making all the plans, he broke up with her. I wonder what will happen when we move out next month.

Denae