How involved are your child's grandparents?

[linnylu]

This is a very sore subject for me. My children have 1 set of grandparents who are still living and live 10 minutes away. My kids see these granparents 5times a year- tops- on holidays for the most part. My oldest is graduating from high school this year. He is a very talented trombone player both at his high school and in a youth orchestra. My parents have not seen him play his trombone even once in the 7 plus years he has been playing. They have never gone to a single sporting event for their 6 grandchildren or a school play or concert. Grandma does go to the annual grandparent's day at the elementary school but mainly because her friend goes too. Grandma always cuts out early and acts like she has done her grandmotherly duty for the year. They send a check at birthdays and ask me to shop for the grandchildren for Christmas. Their home is very uninviting to children who might visit. They got rid of every toy and game and the kids aren't allowed to touch the tv or computer. They are expected to sit quietly and speak when spoken to. Truthfully, I wish my parents wouldn't even bother coming for Thanksgiving or Christmas. They don't like the food, don't like the noise the kids make, don't like the in-laws, don't like the clutter they feel I have...

Does ANYONE else have grandparents like these? Everyone I know has very involved grandparents in the lives of their children. I have a hard time even picking out a mother or father's day card because they all say what a wonderful role model said parent is. Mine don't like kids.

 

[MushyMushy]

We have one of each. My parents were extremely involved. Always babysitting, doing sleepovers, calling, visiting, going to games, etc. We lived in the same town as them, so it definitely was easy, although I know they still would have been as involved as they could be if we'd lived farther away.

My in-laws were not involved at all. They live about 300 miles away and both are divorced. FIL and his wife were great about calling and sending cards for every holiday and birthday. MIL, not so much. Neither of them have visited us more than 3 times in the 16 years we've been married. When we visit, MIL isn't too interested in the kids. My daughter has recently tried connecting with her by calling her and such, but she gets no return calls.

Whatever. Their loss. I imagine one of these days they'll be moaning about what ingrates their grandchildren are.

 

[Planogirl]

DS has two grandmothers still living. My mother and I had a falling out so we haven't seen her in about 9 years now. I have tried to get her and DS together but she didn't want to for a long time and now DS doesn't want to.

His paternal grandmother is friendly but she doesn't make contact with any of her grandkids. We have to take DS to visit her which is fine but I wish that she was more involved. She does live about an 8 hour drive away but she could call or send mail or whatever. DS is older now so it'll be up to him to stay in touch soon.

It can always be worse.

 

[scrapquitler]

Does ANYONE else have grandparents like these? Everyone I know has very involved grandparents in the lives of their children. I have a hard time even picking out a mother or father's day card because they all say what a wonderful role model said parent is. Mine don't like kids.

I guess it's really frustrating. Maybe your parents figure that they did their duty raising children and now it's their time to do what they want. But it is sad for your children that they won't have the happy memories of time spent with their grandparents.

I grew up with the opposite problem...my grandparents were WAY over involved. My parents never got to go anywhere with us kids without Grama and Grampa tagging along and interfering.

 

[golfgal]

One set is very involved, they make the effort to contact the kids, attend their activities when they can (they live 8 hours away), etc. When we see them they do a lot of things with the kids. The other set, when the kids are around them, are great but they don't go to anything the kids do, don't go out of their way to contact them other then when we see them, etc. They have been invited to many things but don't come. They do go to things for the other grandkids so that does bother our kids some.

 

[kimmyann]

I TOTALLY feel your pain & frustration. My children have one set of grandparents (my husbands mom & stepdad). They might as well do a drive by and throw money out of the car window when they visit. They only live 2 hours away (a house they had built after my DH was grown) and they have several times (once we caught them and the others by slip of the tongue) come into town to visit friends and have Dr appts and not even stop by to say hi to my kids. They really know nothing about my kids, but try to act like they do, idk it's hard to explain. They esp like to act like they know them in front of other people. It's really sad though and there is nothing I can do about it. My DH just says that he doesn't worry about it because his mom was never around when he was growing up (always working or out partying) and she always used money to pacify everyone.

What's even worse is my kids are older now and know the deal. It's pretty sad that my oldest (whom grandma was somewhat close to when she was little) says that she sometimes wishes that her other grandma (my mom) were still alive instead of this grandma because atleast she cared about us. I just don't understand it and have learned that there is nothing I can do but further keep my distance to keep her from hurting my kids.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Involved as in doing stuff with them or going to stuff? Very minor.

My mom is really the "hands on" person in the grandparent department, so my kids did have 1 grandparent that they got close to.

My dad's response to me getting pregnant was...."don't expect me to babysit". He has always been a selfish person.

My parents were never "involved" and DH's parents are not existent in that department. His dad is long gone, moved away and his mom is schizophrenic, so she is limited with her condition.

 

[RitaZ.]

This is a very sore subject for me. My children have 1 set of grandparents who are still living and live 10 minutes away. My kids see these granparents 5times a year- tops- on holidays for the most part. My oldest is graduating from high school this year. He is a very talented trombone player both at his high school and in a youth orchestra. My parents have not seen him play his trombone even once in the 7 plus years he has been playing. They have never gone to a single sporting event for their 6 grandchildren or a school play or concert. Grandma does go to the annual grandparent's day at the elementary school but mainly because her friend goes too. Grandma always cuts out early and acts like she has done her grandmotherly duty for the year. They send a check at birthdays and ask me to shop for the grandchildren for Christmas. Their home is very uninviting to children who might visit. They got rid of every toy and game and the kids aren't allowed to touch the tv or computer. They are expected to sit quietly and speak when spoken to. Truthfully, I wish my parents wouldn't even bother coming for Thanksgiving or Christmas. They don't like the food, don't like the noise the kids make, don't like the in-laws, don't like the clutter they feel I have...

Does ANYONE else have grandparents like these? Everyone I know has very involved grandparents in the lives of their children. I have a hard time even picking out a mother or father's day card because they all say what a wonderful role model said parent is. Mine don't like kids.

My mom is 76 and she is involved in my children's lives. She is the opposite of your parents in that she believes in allowing children to just be. She is extremely tolerant and very patient.

My late MIL passed away when my youngest child was 2. She kind of kept her distance and wasn't interested in babysitting. Our oldest child was her favorite and she let everyone know it. It really hurt my feelings. I remember complaining to my mom about it and she would tell me to accept the fact that we can't make people feel and do as we want. She was right.

Don't torture yourself with all these thoughts. Stop expecting your parents to do "the right thing" and you won't be disappointed. I know you wish your parents were different, but there is really nothing you can do to change them. You've got to work with what you have. Your children have two parents and other family members that love them. Try to focus on the positive.

 

[linnylu]

They really know nothing about my kids, but try to act like they do, idk it's hard to explain. They esp like to act like they know them in front of other people.

This is exactly how my mother is. Her friends are very involved grandmothers so my mother tries to pretend she knows what is going on with her grandchildren. Seriously, I don't even want her at DS's grad party because I know grandma will put on an act of how proud she is. If you were proud you would have attended a performance or know what classes your grandson is taking or what colleges he has applied to! DS had a solo at every half time show this marching season. Everyone knew it was our DS and would go out of their way to tell us how talented DS is. Grandma wasn't even there. And yes, they have been asked but that ended when my dd then in 4th grade called grandma to see if she'd come watch her choir solo during a school concert. Grandma said no Now we don't even bother.

 

[mjkacmom]

My parents live a few minutes away, and see my kids everyday. They help a lot with driving the kids, and the kids' friends. They take them shopping, dentist appointments, haircuts, and make almost every game and performance. My mom takes dd9 to dance competitons, and even flew with her to nationals (I stayed home). My ds7 wouldn't have his junior blackbelt if not for my dad. They are a second set of parents.

My IL's live an hour away, and see the kids many times a year. They're in their 80's, so slowing down, but never miss a performance, and catch some games.

One of the reasons we didn't move when we had an awesome opportunity with DH's job was because of the grandparents. Our kids are the only grandkids who still live around here, and I wanted there to be a very strong connection with both sets, and there is.

 

[mommasita]

A little complicted, but here it is:

FIL, 70 is amazing. I don't think he has missed one of my son's football games, and played for 8 yrs. We can count on him for help as needed.

MIL passed away when my son was almost 5, and my daughter 2. She was very hands on, and I only wish my daughter got to know her more.

MY MOM and my stepdad. Both retired, and equally helpful.

MY FATHER and stepmother. Hmmm...She is a doll. Very kind, helpful, etc. He, is well 72 and always was a ME, MYSELF, and I person. He is around, but I would not ask him, and don't think I ever have.

My kids are getting older, so we honestly NEVER ask for much from anyone. They will be 15 and 12.

My best friends parents told her when she was pregnant with her 1st. Don't EVER ask us, we had you 3, and we are DONE. I felt awful for her, but helped her out. She could not ask for 5 minutes from either one of them.

I hope (god willing) to be around to help out whenever needed or called upon.

 

[RadioFanatic]

It's a sore subject with me too. My parents live 12 hours away but (1) call every sunday (we skype so they can see DS); (2) come up almost every other month; (3) never miss any important event of his; and (4) help us when we need it (for example they are coming up in january to help with an overnight for our DS while dh and I go to NYC for a friend's bday party.

My IL's, however, who only live 3 hours away (1) have not seen my DS since fourth of july; (2) never call us (we always call them) unless they need something; (3) when we do visit, we have to spend the money on a hotel room while they could stay with us for free bc they don't have room; and (4) when we do visit, they treat nephew like their child and our DS is to the wayside. And the reason they don't have room for us or time to visit us is bc they let my dh's 36 year old sister who had an out of wed lock child (who is cute as a button) live with them rent free and watch her kid for free while she works. But they call us for money.

 

[boo1928]

my children see there grandparents most days as they are my child care when im at work ,i am very lucky that my parents are wonderful grandparents and i cant thank them enough for what they do.

 

[indimom]

Both my parents and DH's parents are involved with our kids. Now that they are retired, they occasionally run the kids to appointments for us so we don't have to take off work. They make it to a decent number of games/performances/school activities (but not ALL). They are always checking in if someone is sick or has been hurt.
My MIL made two full meals for our family last weekend because our daughter was "recovering" from surgery. She didn't really need to since our daughter was feeling fine and didn't need any real care. We just had to sit around the house with her for two days, but it made Grandma feel better to have something to do, and we appreciated it.

BUT, growing up I had a set of grandparents very like what you described. We made a duty visit once a month, on Sunday, after church. Everyone sat in the living room while the adults talked. They did not come to any school events, didn't put up a Christmas tree or lights, didn't do much of anything. They cared about us in their way, but some people just aren't the "involved" type.

 

[Disneychix]

My parents are wonderful. My DS was born premature and spent 6 weeks in the NICU. My father went every single day to see my son until he came home. He watches him 1 day per week currently (with help from step-mom when she's not working) which is a huge deal because I don't think he ever changed me or fed me as a child!

My mother watches my son 2x per week and usually hangs out with us on my days off. If she doesn't see him for more than 2 days she gets all upset and says she needs some time with him!

MIL is a different story-when DS was born she went exactly 3x to the NICU, with us each time! She even had her own 'pass' so she didn't need us to be there with her like our other extended family needed. She only lives 20 mins away and currently is retired/not working. We go months without seeing her! We are at the point where we don't even feel comfortable asking her to sit for DS cause he'd probably freak being left alone with her. We are expecting our 2nd DS and she's expressed she's like to help out and watch this one. Well what about our 1st DS? I guess she's given up trying to bond with him.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Only one set of GP live close, and they followed us when we moved to remain close. They are very involved, but they maintain their GP role - they do not try to parent our kids.

I could not imagine better grandparents.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

DH's dad was deceased before my children were born, and his Mom was in a nursing home their whole lives until she passed. She was very aggressive so my children only visited her once (without my husband knowing, but we taped it for his Christmas gift - they sang songs, and it took almost 8 hours to get 20 minutes of tapes, God Bless the workers at the home).

My Dad was never involved in my life, but pleasantly took a small shine to DD and took a great shine to DS. He was ill most of time, but could be found hiding in the corner or a ball field watching them play or in his car. He was never "out" there cheering, but the kids knew he was their first physically, and now in spirit.

Now my Mom is a totally different experience. She has been to everything. I sometimes joke she never missed a dirty diaper. It was absolutely wonderful when they were growing up, but now that they are older 18/15, she has found it hard to let go of the cord. Usually it is the parents who have a hard time, my Mom is suffering a lot with this. As much as I love her and want her to be involved, we have had to speak to her about her involvement and what is proper to tell the kids and what is not. (I think dementia is setting in a bit and a proper kind hand is needed to guide us through this time)

Okay after this long boring post, I have asked my kids if they felt that they missed out. Both of them were very honest and said they enjoyed my Mother being there, but feels she intrudes a bit too much. They don't miss not having another set of Grandparents anymore but said when they were little they missed the extra gifts, cards, etc. (my children are brutally honest).

And both agree that the best grandparent moments they had were the silent ones from my Dad. They both agree it showed the most love. Just being there when he could but never making it known that he was. Hope that makes sense.

 

[Frye7127]

okay, here goes...the thoughts in my head and heart that never find a voice...

My parents are wonderful grandparents; however, they never attend my son's baseball games, can hardly get my mom to attend grandparent's day, my dad never calls my son, and he makes promises for things that he won't keep (time spending not material)...i quit telling my son anything that was promised to keep him from getting hurt feelings. On the flip side - they never miss my niece's anything, ever. She is over at their house all the time - i mean all of the time. If it weren't for my parents, she would have nothing or ever do anything (which is not much anyway (extra curricular) or vacations). She is 16. My son never gets any one-on-one time with them, ever. On Christmas Eve, they send my kids presents to my house for them to open on Christmas morning. My niece goes over to their house on Christmas morning and opens her gifts from them. I know it is becuase they don't want me to see what they have gotten her. They have bought my sister a new mattress, my niece two bedroom suites. When I redid my son's room from a nursery to a bedroom, not one thing was ever offered to help us with that expense, or with the nursery for that matter. They buy her Coach purses, D & B purses, uggs, designer clothes, stuff and this is all of the time...my son will get something if they find it on sale - has never bought him school clothes, and he goes to private school - uniforms are easy and would be helpful. My parents are generous with my child, but do not treat him like they do my niece by any means and don't even get me started about my DSD...

My husband's parents are generous with $$, but that is the only way they think they can keep the grandkids coming around. Sad, really. There are three older ones that they are closest with, including DSD who is the favorite. My DS and youngest niece on my husband's side are somewhat left out and they know nothing about either of them. I have gotten money every year to buy my son's christmas and birthday presents from them. I wrap them and send them pictures of what they got him. They moved one hour away to a retirement community soon after DH and I got married. I hear the crying (seriously) about how they don't get to see our son, how they have to get their XX-fix. I finally called them on it when they come to town and go to my brother-in-laws instead of coming to our house. They came to town for drs appts and another errand and could have just as easily come to our house to hang out. Drives me nuts. DS takes what he can get. They think my DS is the best thing since sliced bread, but don't make an effort to get to know him or anything.

Wheewww!

For clarification: Not bellyaching about what my parents do for my niece versus my DS and I am not keeping score. Just not the same kind of grandparent to my children as they are my niece and both my kids know it - which is hurtful as that is not how they raised me and my sister.

 

[laughinplace199]

My parents live a few minutes away, and see my kids everyday. They help a lot with driving the kids, and the kids' friends. They take them shopping, dentist appointments, haircuts, and make almost every game and performance. My mom takes dd9 to dance competitons, and even flew with her to nationals (I stayed home). My ds7 wouldn't have his junior blackbelt if not for my dad. They are a second set of parents.

My IL's live an hour away, and see the kids many times a year. They're in their 80's, so slowing down, but never miss a performance, and catch some games.

One of the reasons we didn't move when we had an awesome opportunity with DH's job was because of the grandparents. Our kids are the only grandkids who still live around here, and I wanted there to be a very strong connection with both sets, and there is.

I wasn't even sure if I should bother posting since I'm going to say pretty much the exact same thing.

My parents live on the same street as we do. They see the kids every day. They help with babysitting and they drive the kids here, there, and everywhere. They also try to attend every event (school concerts, plays, dance recitals, etc). My dad takes my DS to karate too. They know the kids as well as we do and I love the strong bond that they have. I always say that my kids have 2 sets of parents.

My DH's parents live 30 min away. They are a bit older and my FIL is disabled, so they can't go to all of the kids' events (although they do get to some). We try to visit them every weekend because they love seeing the kids and it's easier for us to come to them. They have a whole toybox full of toys for the grandkids to play with when they visit, and MIL added cable to the TV in her basement playroom so that the older kids could watch Disney channel, Nick, etc. My kids have a great connection with this set of grandparents as well.

OP, I'm sorry that your kids' relationship with their grandparents is not what you would have liked it to be.

 

[hereyago]

When my DF was livng, DD was his whole life. He worked a lot when I was growing up and I really got to know him the last 10 years of his life. He took DD everywhere all the time. DF well, I got pregnant I was married she told me not to ask her to babysit. She has always been self absorbed and there is no way she would have been watching DD. DM has only been to 2 of DD's school things, and that is her limit as she only went to 2 of mine.

DF passed away a few years ago, so it's me, DD12 and DM77 living together. I promised my DF I would "take care" of DM as she had never been on her own, didnt cook, clean,etc. DM has tried to make DD into her personal slave as I was when I was young and I had to put a stop to that, because DM is not an invalid and she can do things herself.

DD's other grandparents live on the other side of the country. SHe has seen her grandfather once when she was really young, never seen other then pictures of the grandmother. they may call once a year, send a XMas card. no birthday card, no present. I did until recently mail pictures of her with letters, but if they aren't going to try then either am I.


I wish every day that my DF was still here. I truly don't feel that dd's feels loved by her other grandparents. and I felt the same way with mine. My grandmother wouldnt watch me for the longest time because my DF played country music in bars and DM would go with him. BUt my DGF put a stop to it and he was a wonderful man.
My DF's DF passed away way before I was born, and his mom, not grand nor motherly didn't like my DM nor me, until she was dying of cancer and I refused to have anything to do with her. YOu can't treat someone crappy for years and then when you snap out of it, they will be there.

However, I failed to add this in this post before: DD has a couple people in her life that serves as her grandparents. One is the great grandmother-75 yo of my DD's friend. She takes them every where, on spring break she would take them to a nearby city. then there are DD's DF's his girlfriends parents, DD gets a stocking each year from them as well as presents and her "uncle and aunt" since I am only child, is the GF's brother and sister in law. SHe is part of their family, even when her DF and the gf break up at times.