How do you trust again?

[TRUFFLES13]

This has been a very hard year with DH - He is bipolar, was using drugs, and was cheating on me.

He did go into the hospital the end of Dec. on his own, and is starting an out patient program today for the drugs.

He will tell me he wants to stay together and make things work and he has been home, no disappearing - and he does tell me it is over with the person he had the affair with. But I don't think it is, I don't think the other person is going to let it go either.

How do I start to trust him again, it has been so many lies this past year. Sometimes I don't know if it is the truth or a lie that I am hearing. Even today he tells me he is real busy at work and may go straight to outpatient program tonight. I'm sitting here thinking he is leaving work, going to see her and then going to the meeting.

Thanks for listening, sorry if I went on rambling!

 

[Chicago526]

Trust is earned, they only way he'll get your trust back is to EARN it back, by doing what he says he's going to do, and by always telling you the truth. He has to decide that he wants your trust back, and work towards earning it.

I don't know what else to tell you. To be honest, if it were me I'd have left him already, not due to the drugs or depresion, but for the affair. But everyone has to make their own line in the sand, so to speak, on what constitutes "enough is enough". Like they tell you in AA, you just have to take it one day at a time.

 

[Christine]

Trust doesn't come back on like a light turned on by a light switch. As the poster above said, it is gradually earned.

Okay, so he went to the hospital, he is treating his mental disorder, and he has told you that the affair has stopped. Do not beat yourself up for being suspicious.

Honestly, it would probably take YEARS of him being on his best behavior for me to trust him again.

 

[noseybuddy]

Wow, trust is such a BIG part of a relationship. Once you loose that in someone it is really hard to get it back, not only with that person, but you find yourself second guessing other people at certain times. This has been my experience, but maybe this isn't how everyone reacts. My neice is bipolar, struggles with this everyday of her life. But I don't think being bipolar can excuse your DH cheating on you. How long has this affair been going on? Was it a one time thing, or has it been going on for months? I am probably the wrong person to be giving advice, because I could never forgive, forget, or ever trust my DH if he cheated on me. If you really want to stay in this marriage maybe seeking counseling would be a good idea. Good luck and to you.

 

[Christine]

But I don't think being bipolar can excuse your DH cheating on you.

I kind of disagree here. I don't think the mental illness (bipolar) is enough to say "Okay you are excused" but being bipolar DEFINITELY would contribute to the behavior of cheating. The manic side of bipolar causes a lot of very risky, impulsive behavior that is almost uncontrollable. I would think the "rush" of cheating would easily be one of those behaviors.

 

[TRUFFLES13]

The affair was going on for awhile, but I think it was more about someone to hang out with and party with -

I thought about going for counseling even just for myself, but what kind would I look for? I have mentioned to him about his out patient that maybe they have counseling there.

I am trying to take it one day at a time -

 

[skiwee1]

I could never trust again. I don't care whether he was bipolar or anything else. Have an affair and you are OUT the door!

 

[noseybuddy]

I thought about going for counseling even just for myself, but what kind would I look for?
I am trying to take it one day at a time -

I think going for counseling for yourself is a great idea. Just a therapist in general to talk about everything that is going on. To maybe understand your DH better, to talk about if your willing to continue helping him with his problems, to see what you need for yourself in your life right now, things like that. He isn't the only one hurting, nothing wrong with taking care and helping yourself.

 

[noseybuddy]

I could never trust again. I don't care whether he was bipolar or anything else. Have an affair and you are OUT the door!

ITA! But there are people out there who feel differently, which I will never understand, but I will listen to them and try to give advice (not always the best) but I try.

 

[SC Minnie]

The treatment center should have a counselor for families or your husband dr may be able to refer you to one that has experience in dealing with patients and families going through the same thing that you are. A counselor should be able to help you look at everything objectively and let you sort out how you really feel.

to you. You have a long road ahead.

 

[Planogirl]

I am trying to take it one day at a time -

That sounds so wise to me. It's going to take time, lots of time.

Counseling sounds like a great idea. Only you will know what it will take to win your trust back.

 

[Ziva]

I couldn't forgive all that and wouldn't even try but that's just me. Do what you think is best, if that includes counseling on your own, then do it.

 

[Tiggeroo]

you need to be in counseling on your own and you and he need to be in counseling together. i would imagine there is a bit of a co-dependent component to a bipolar relationship. therefore you need to learn habit that don't let you support his behavior. you would also have to learn how to deal with his illness.
the trust will only happen if he re-builds it. he needs to be at a place where he realizes it is his behavior that caused the problems. he needs to feel so badly that he is willing to bend over backwards to get trust back. this would include always calling to let you know where he is, calling if he's late, always answering his cell if you call. everything needs to be an open book including his cell phone records his travel, etc. If he truly does this and treats you better the trust will come back. then gradually you will relax and trust again. but there is no shortcut to this.

 

[TRUFFLES13]

Thanks for all your input - He has been trying at times to call me when he is out and stuff, but the other day I couldn't get him and then my mind starts wondering. But I do keep telling him he has to rebuild the trust with me.

I really do want to trust him again and get on with our lives, but it is really hard and I wonder if I can -

 

[debbiedoo]

Trust is a very important factor in relationships---the thing is you have to be willing and he has to be willing. My mother has always told me that once the trust was gone--it will not be the same--I wish you the best of luck--

I would suggest counseling and taking this all one day at a time--mental disorders are hard to deal with and I wish you the best of luck--

You have to decide what is right for you. I would not accept those factors--

 

[tkd lisa]

I was thinking about you the other day and wondering how it was going.

Only you know your limits. They are yours. I know when I reached mine.

In answer to the counseling, YES GO! The only thing that's within your control is what you do. And counseling is the best place to understand that.

Where to find counseling? Al-anon is a good place to start. And many churches (mine does) have great programs. If you want to pm me with your general area, I could see if I can come up with any church based programs in your location. For me, I wanted a faith based method that included a lot of prayer.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks for all your input - He has been trying at times to call me when he is out and stuff, but the other day I couldn't get him and then my mind starts wondering. But I do keep telling him he has to rebuild the trust with me.

I really do want to trust him again and get on with our lives, but it is really hard and I wonder if I can -

I was listening to Dr. Laura one day and she said something that might help you.
I know it helped me...made me think differently about my own behavior.

Loving, trusting, believing, etc...are feelings.

When you actually care for someone it is an ACTION that brings about the feelings you want.

Only through action will you get it back. He has to give it freely...you cannot nag someone to care. They either care or they do not.

For example....
You witness a child crying in the store. You feel awful, that he is in turmoil. However that does nothing to help the boy.
To care for him is too walk up and guide him to proper channels.

Make sense? So to trust him again he has to care, not just feel things for you.

 

[nwdisgal]

Thanks for all your input - He has been trying at times to call me when he is out and stuff, but the other day I couldn't get him and then my mind starts wondering. But I do keep telling him he has to rebuild the trust with me.

I really do want to trust him again and get on with our lives, but it is really hard and I wonder if I can -

Trust is really hard to regain, and when Bipolar is involved, it is more complicated. Still the disorder does not justify him living his life to the detriment of yours. You need to put yourself first. Counseling would probably be helpful working with someone who has a good understanding of Bipolar Disorder. It will give you a better understanding if you can stay in the relationship, or should get out.

 

[bettyann29]

I was pretty much in your exact shoes almost 9 yrs ago.. To me forgiveness and trust are two different things.. I went thru the exact same thing as you.. Though I was 4 months pregnant when my husband left me for another girl that he had been seeing on the side.. I never even suspected it.. He went thru about a year of depression, suicide attempts, etc.. We tried to get back together once our daughter was born and I couldnt get past the past.. I forgave him, but trust isnt something I could give him again.. He lost my trust in him.. To this day, he is a great dad to our 3 kids, but I will never see him the same way again.. We get along great and can talk to each other about anything.. I see him all the time because of the kids, he comes to the parties, etc but I could never be with him again..

Definitely do some counseling.. even if its just for yourself.. You deserve it.. Noone deserves to be cheated on.. and I wouldnt think BP would have anything to do with cheating.. but thats just my opinion

If you ever need someone to talk to just pm me..