How do you support hubby with loss of his mother when she treated you like this...

[kdudley3]

My mother-in-law died last night (bought of cancer). I was gone with the kids and dog for 2 weeks visiting my family who we see once or twice a year (11 hours away) husbands family, a half an hour.

I always tried to united both families, my father-in-law loved me, he said so, and spent time with our kids.

But the MIL always treated the daughters and her kids better than me or my kids...it was quite apparent.

My kids and myself really don't have any feelings towards her (there were some things that happened along the 24 year marriage). But my husband said he is dissapointed that our children aren't showing any emotion. I tried gentfully to tell him that his mother didn't have as much of a relationship with our children that she had with her daughter's children.

My oldest, 21, said that he really didn't feel anything...none of them shead a tear...either did I.

I just don't know how to make my husband feel better...because it was his mom...I just don't know how to make let my hausband feel better about the mother he loves although she treated our family like crap.

It is so different from my family...we support and are there no matter what.

Thanks in advance I just needed to vent.

K

 

[ukwildcat]

Sorry about the bad relationship with your MIL. But to your original question, as to how you support your husband with the loss of his mother, the answer is you just support him. He's your husband, and sometimes you have to stand by your spouse even when you think they are wrong.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I just don't know how to make my husband feel better...because it was his mom...I just don't know how to make let my hausband feel better about the mother he loves although she treated our family like crap.


K

I'm very sorry for your loss. You can't make your husband feel better because if you are doing all you can and yet, it still doesn't work...I don't know what will. He obviously had a complicated relationship with his mother long before you entered the picture. Just be there for him and reassure him that you love him and that he matters to YOU. And that's all that count. Your H probably feels that he did not matter to his mother. Now that's she's dead he cannot make it right with her. Its a tricky situation. Just be supportive.

 

[Lionqueen2]

Even though you and your children do not feel close to your MIL, your husband loved his mother and is hurting right now. You and your children need to help him through his pain. He deserves love, compassion, and understanding at a time like this.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My mother-in-law died last night (bought of cancer). I was gone with the kids and dog for 2 weeks visiting my family who we see once or twice a year (11 hours away) husbands family, a half an hour.

I always tried to united both families, my father-in-law loved me, he said so, and spent time with our kids.

But the MIL always treated the daughters and her kids better than me or my kids...it was quite apparent.

My kids and myself really don't have any feelings towards her (there were some things that happened along the 24 year marriage). But my husband said he is dissapointed that our children aren't showing any emotion. I tried gentfully to tell him that his mother didn't have as much of a relationship with our children that she had with her daughter's children.

My oldest, 21, said that he really didn't feel anything...none of them shead a tear...either did I.

I just don't know how to make my husband feel better...because it was his mom...I just don't know how to make let my hausband feel better about the mother he loves although she treated our family like crap.

It is so different from my family...we support and are there no matter what.
Thanks in advance I just needed to vent.

K

Agree with PP. I would just be supportive. You already stated to him that his mother was not close with his kids and he already knows that.

The fact she has passed means that he cannot repair anything and has to accept the reality and the shock of her passing.

Say little, give him loves of support, hugs, and understanding during his mourning.

I guess I would say to you, behave in the way that you will want him to behave when your mother passes. Use your family philosophy toward your DH, if that makes sense.

 

[pearlieq]

Just be there. Hang out with him, give him a hug. Encourage him to share his favorite memories of her if he's in the mood to talk. Go with him to visit her grave, if he wants.

Go easy on him at home. Make his favorite meals, give him a pass for leaving his dirty socks on the floor, etc.

You can't make it better for him, so don't worry about shouldering that responsibility. Just be by his side for whatever he needs.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Say little, give him loves of support, hugs, and understanding during his mourning.

Keep your pulse on your husband at this time. When deaths occur marriages go through changes. Ever hear when people say "ever since his mother/father/brother died, he's been......" This is vulnerable time for your family. People reasses their lives after something like this.

 

[MIGrandma]

Even though your MIL treated you and your children not so nicely, she was still your husband's Mother. All you can do is be supportive to him, and your FIL since you did say you had a good relationship with him. You cannot force emotions or tears that aren't there, and your DH probably does understand that, but he's mourning his Mother so may say or do things he normally wouldn't say or do. Don't hold it against him.

 

[Robinrs]

My grandmother was not only evil to my Dad, her son in law, but to my Mom her only daughter.

When she died at the age of 91, I felt NOTHING, like your child, but I had to support my Mom because it WAS her Mom. I was 31

I've found in my many years of grief counseling that it should be your goal to let the grieving person let you know what you need to do. If he wants to talk, let him, if he wants to cry, let him. It is about him, not about your feelings. Getting that out was part of your healing, now it's time to heal whatever ails him.

Hugs....

 

[shortbun]

Tell your kids to cry for their Dad's loss. You need to do the same. Someone you love is hurting in the worst way - I know as I lost both my parents in two years. Anyway, Treat your husband like his mother was the most important woman in his life-besides you - she was. For someone who comes from a family that routinely gives support, it seems to be very difficult for you to support your husband. Put your feelings for your MIL aside. This is the time to help your husband grieve.

 

[LivinInTheCastle]

Just shower your DH with the love you feel for him. I'm sure you didn't want him to experience a loss, whether or not you got along with the person or not, so just shower him with love. It will help him get through his hurt. Good luck to your family.

 

[kristinw3girls]

Went through this last year. I just supported my DH and felt compassion for HIS feelings. My MIL wasn't nice to me, but death in a way that would hurt my DH. She was his mother. She gave me the best she had to offer the world, a wonderful husband. I tried to keep that in mind. Good luck.

 

[TEENEE]

I have to agree with everyone else. It's not about you or your mil at this point. It's about your dh. Just be there for your dh and try to explain it to your kids.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

My mother-in-law died last night (bought of cancer). I was gone with the kids and dog for 2 weeks visiting my family who we see once or twice a year (11 hours away) husbands family, a half an hour.

I always tried to united both families, my father-in-law loved me, he said so, and spent time with our kids.

But the MIL always treated the daughters and her kids better than me or my kids...it was quite apparent.

My kids and myself really don't have any feelings towards her (there were some things that happened along the 24 year marriage). But my husband said he is dissapointed that our children aren't showing any emotion. I tried gentfully to tell him that his mother didn't have as much of a relationship with our children that she had with her daughter's children.

My oldest, 21, said that he really didn't feel anything...none of them shead a tear...either did I.

I just don't know how to make my husband feel better...because it was his mom...I just don't know how to make let my hausband feel better about the mother he loves although she treated our family like crap.

It is so different from my family...we support and are there no matter what.

Thanks in advance I just needed to vent.

K

Tell your kids to cry for their Dad's loss. You need to do the same. Someone you love is hurting in the worst way - I know as I lost both my parents in two years. Anyway, Treat your husband like his mother was the most important woman in his life-besides you - she was. For someone who comes from a family that routinely gives support, it seems to be very difficult for you to support your husband. Put your feelings for your MIL aside. This is the time to help your husband grieve.

Also, don't "gently" remind him how crappy his mother was to you and your kids. That is just rubbing salt in a wound. He can't fix it now, so there is no need whatsoever on reminding him about it. If he asks why you are not crying, just say something positive such as "we are hurting for you, everybody displays their grief differently." You don't have to lie and say you loved his mother, but you don't have to say anything negative at all.

Instead, if you can, find something positive to say about his mother. There has to have been at least a couple of positive moments in 24 years.

And just be there for him. Since you and your children are not grieving, then this time should be all about your husband. It shouldn't be about you or your children since you really did not have a relationship. This isn't a reciprocal situation. He shouldn't have to support you.

Since you said your family always supports no matter what, well, now is the time to support your husband no matter what.

 

[horseshowmom]

Even though you and your children do not feel close to your MIL, your husband loved his mother and is hurting right now. You and your children need to help him through his pain. He deserves love, compassion, and understanding at a time like this.

I agree. I am not close to my MiL and neither is our daughter. It's a long story that I won't go into, but my husband does understand (and recognizes that it is his mother's fault). I know he wishes it was different though. DD has no interest in visiting his mother at all (she did go with him from time to time as a courtesy to him when she was still at home, but she's married now).

When her time does come, we will grieve for DH's sake. He loves his mother, and it will be hard on him. He lost his dad last year. Even though his dad was a very difficult man, he was still his dad.

OP, perhaps your DH feels isolated from the family in his grief. He just needs to know that you all love him and hurt for him (even though maybe not with him).

 

[sbell111]

My mother-in-law died last night (bought of cancer). I was gone with the kids and dog for 2 weeks visiting my family who we see once or twice a year (11 hours away) husbands family, a half an hour.

I always tried to united both families, my father-in-law loved me, he said so, and spent time with our kids.

But the MIL always treated the daughters and her kids better than me or my kids...it was quite apparent.

My kids and myself really don't have any feelings towards her (there were some things that happened along the 24 year marriage). But my husband said he is dissapointed that our children aren't showing any emotion. I tried gentfully to tell him that his mother didn't have as much of a relationship with our children that she had with her daughter's children.

My oldest, 21, said that he really didn't feel anything...none of them shead a tear...either did I.

I just don't know how to make my husband feel better...because it was his mom...I just don't know how to make let my hausband feel better about the mother he loves although she treated our family like crap.

It is so different from my family...we support and are there no matter what.

Thanks in advance I just needed to vent.

K

Have you considered using a little empathy? Your husband just lossed his mother and somehow your making it about you.

Think about how you would feel if your mom died. That's what your husband is going through. How would you like him to support you through that experience?

 

[kdudley3]

U guys have no idea how much u helped me. I just came off a visit to my family in Ga that we do every year and he wasn't there. Trying to satisfy family that care about them and family that don't is very hard.

I'm trying to be there for my husband and he really understands how much
I've done. But I feel like I need to try to take the pain away from him, and I know I can't.

But it's hard to mix feelings with a family that didn't care for you in the beginning (they told him not to to marry me because I was too rich...not the case) and facing up to whole bunch of people that were told lies and didn't know the other side of the story.

I guess I just don't know how to suck it up !

I did love her and helped with their family the whole marriage. Then find out after building an addition onto our house for her (they think I was after the money, which there is probably isn't much) I did it out of my heart for her, my husband and her family and got burned. Big time.

I always helped...but was always considered an outsider. That's not just like my family is. We support everyone.

Thank you all for letting me get this off my chest and all of the advice since I've never been through this before.

Thank you all for helping me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[tazdev3225]

I went through this several years ago. My MIL called me ***** to my face and worse behind my back. She did nothing to hide the fact that she hated me UNTIL she got Alzheimers. After that I was the best DIL in the world. The damage was done. My kids loved their grandmother but hated her for the way she treated me. When my DH received the call that she had died he was extremely upset, understandably. I put aside my feelings and helped my DH and his family in any way I could. I stood by my DH and did whatever I could to help ease his pain. OP this is not the time to think of your feelings you, and your kids, need to think of your DH's needs right now. He knows what she was like but she was still his mother. I know it is difficult but do it for him.

 

[disykat]

Wow - people are being really hard on the OP.

I anticipate having this problem when my FIL passes. It will surprise me though if my dh expects me to be mourning the way he is. Support for HIS loss will be easy to give, but I won't be experiencing the same loss. That is the part that is probably unexpected and difficult for the OP. It sounds like the main issue is that dh is sad that the kids aren't mourning his mom - it's not really about the OP. I'm guessing the OP's DH hasn't really "seen" the issues with his mom and their kids and noticing that the others aren't mourning as he is is causing him to recognize now that there were issues.

The OP has not indicated she isn't supporting her husband, just that she and the kids don't feel the same loss. Grief can be very lonely. Her DH wants to be around others who aren't just sad for him, but actually grieving their loss of his mother as well. Does he have siblings? Will there be a funeral or memorial? These things should be helpful.

 

[kdudley3]

I went through this several years ago. My MIL called me the B word to my face and worse behind my back. She did nothing to hide the fact that she hated me UNTIL she got Alzheimers. After that I was the best DIL in the world. The damage was done. My kids loved their grandmother but hated her for the way she treated me. When my DH received the call that she had died he was extremely upset, understandably. I put aside my feelings and helped my DH and his family in any way I could. I stood by my DH and did whatever I could to help ease his pain. OP this is not the time to think of your feelings you, and your kids, need to think of your DH's needs right now. He knows what she was like but she was still his mother. I know it is difficult but do it for him.

I'm not trying to make it about me...well..just to you guys...not to him.

I'm doing the best I know how to say the right supportive thing...but he said he was dissapointed on how our children reacted to her death. I can't and won't make them feel bad for feeling the way they do.

I just was feeling bad for myself, yes, but I haven't told him that. I'm been supportive and gave him support no matter how I felt because it is his mom. No matter how she treated me...I would never talk bad about her. I was just trying to make him understand why the kids felt the way they did...does that make any sense?