How do you react?-Hurtful Words from Teens

[Robinrs]

Sorry but if one of my kids spoke to ANYONE that way, let alone their own sister they would be HECK to pay and they certainly would NOT be in sports and doing all that fun stuff she is doing. The problem is, you have allowed this behavior up until now and you only have about 6 months to turn her around and it isn't going to be easy on anyone. I would also have to say that there is a good chance she really isn't all that popular at school if this is how she acts. Yes, she may have a lot of people she hangs out with, but they probably don't really like her.

What did you and your DH do when she said this to her sister and WHY would you want her little sister looking up to someone that acts like that???

 

[golfgal]

Golfgal-I agree with you. I don't think she is as popular as it seems. She has created a lot of drama over the years with different girls/boys but she always has a group that will back her up, she has never been outcasted. Like I said, a queen bee personality. I have never actually witnessed her to be rude to anyone in front of me (except her sister) so I don't say anything. As far as her sister goes, sometimes her sister will say something back if we are not around, if I am I will say something. My husband won't say anything. If you would see my earlier post, you will see where I say my husband doesn't like to get involved. Of course, that causes a lot conflict between him and I.

So, where were you the past 18 years teaching her how to be nice to people when she isn't around you? That pretty much is the number one job of a parent, isn't it? Honestly, she is a lost cause as of this point, until she decides to act human. There just isn't a lot you can do for her at this point, you have wasted 18 years of learning, sorry. Reality is going to set in for her when she goes off to college and hopefully she is smart enough to learn on her own that you don't treat people like crap.

 

[ccgirl]

Something that really caught my eye in your initial post is that everyone thinks your DD is great and you do to but you have some resentment toward her. You really need to start doing something for yourself as well. Having that resentment is very bad. I'm sure she can feel it. I think it is normal for kids to say some things some people may construe as "hurtful" such as you do nothing for me, you don't love me etc. Personally, I no longer let those hurt me as I know it's not true. I just say that I love her and that is it. I would never say something mean back. Sounds like some family counseling and some personal time would be great. Do you work during the day while your DD is in school?

Edited to add: I just read thru your other posts. Sorry I didn't read them before posting. Anyway, what was the consequences of calling her sister that? I hope you can nip the 13 year olds behavior in the bud or you will jave another disrespectful teenager on your hands. For pete's sake my DD thinks "hate" and "Jesus" are swears. Has she said bad words before? Yes, usually only once. It's very hard to start enforcing rules at 18. Good luck.

 

[Magpie]

Golfgal-I agree with you. I don't think she is as popular as it seems. She has created a lot of drama over the years with different girls/boys but she always has a group that will back her up, she has never been outcasted. Like I said, a queen bee personality. I have never actually witnessed her to be rude to anyone in front of me (except her sister) so I don't say anything. As far as her sister goes, sometimes her sister will say something back if we are not around, if I am I will say something. My husband won't say anything. If you would see my earlier post, you will see where I say my husband doesn't like to get involved. Of course, that causes a lot conflict between him and I.

Get thee to a therapist!

Seriously, your family really needs one. Your younger daughter is being subjected to abusive language on a regular basis. Your older daughter is heading for a nasty wake-up call when she hits the real world and discovers she's no longer a "queen" anything. And your husband is passive-aggressively undermining you.

Please call your family doctor. There's nothing wrong with asking for help.

 

[momx2]

There is NO way in this world with me still breathing that I will allow my oldest DD to speak that way to my younger DD. She wouldn't see the light of day for a very, very long time.

It sounds like to me you have raised a bully, drama queen. My oldest can be mean to her sister, but if she ever spoke that way to her she would be DONE!!!! Actually, my oldest would also fight a crowd for her little sis. Alot of arguing is normal for girls, but not abuse. Your younger DD is being abused by her sister. If this didn't stop and stop soon she would find herself a new place to live upon graduation and I'm not talking about a college dorm that you pay are paying for. You're youngest DD needs her parents to protect her from the abuse and the oldest DD can either get with the program or get out in a few months.

Sorry, so blunt, but this just burns me up!!!

 

[PrincessBelle09]

I'm going to agree with PPs who have suggested family counseling. Some of what she is doing is typical teenage behavior. Being a teen is hard work and dealing with the mood swings and self-pity parties are an unfortunate part of raising kids (my experience is, of course, as a recent teen myself and not a mom). However, your DD is taking things too far, especially since you are at the point where you are resenting your kid. That's not a good sign of what is to come for your family situation and future relationship with the eldest DD.

Best of luck in getting through all of this.

 

[wenmc]

Deleted

 

[Wishing on a star]

Not sure what you meant by this? Obviously, she is nice to other people .

So??????
"Mean Girls" are masterful at appearing to be nice, WHEN it fits their agenda. It's all about maintaining 'control'.
It is all a part of being a controlling, manipulative, you-know-what.

You really need to begin to see this for what it is.

I agree with the previous posters that this looks like a very dysfunctional family situation...
Your older DD has some real issues.
And, I think that you do, as well.

The treatment and name calling towards your younger daughter is something can can NOT be excused or ignored, under any circumstances.
It sounds as if it has become downright abusive.
No question.

And, what would your husband do if you took the bull by the horns (as you should) and actually began to address your older daughters behavior. I am thinking he would actively undermine you.

This situation is NOT good, no matter what good things you try to say about your older DD and/or your husband or family.

Please consider getting some outside, objective, professional input here.

 

[ccgirl]

Not sure what you meant by this? Obviously, she is nice to other people or she wouldn't have been Class President 5 years in a row. Her teachers adore her. She also works in Customer Service and gets rewarded when she has to put up with an "unruly" customer. She has been rewarded several times. It seems she does takes out a lot of her anger at me and her sister. Maybe some jealousy issues?? Not sure. Could never see it because my oldest has everything she could want, including socially (her friends are everything!!) where my youngest is not popular, struggles in school, etc...
I have thought about counseling but it would be out of pocket since we only have an HSA and my daughter said she would never go. It was suggested a few years ago.

Taken from your first post, My oldest has no respect for me while I watch her treat everyone else like gold, except for her little sister. Everyone thinks she is the greatest kid ever and she is pretty great but I have a lot of resentment towards her. Maybe you "think" she has everything but she can feel your resentment. I'm wondering why you would ever resent your child? Do you perhaps favor the younger one because you don't think she is as popular? That could be why she is lashing out at you. Also, your children are older so while you say your life revolves around them you have the weekdays that they are in school for yourself.

I would use some of that HSA and get counseling for yourself. Resenting your child is not a good thing. Hugs to you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

oops, double post ???????

 

[MrsPete]

I'm coming in a little late, but I agree with those who say that your life SHOULD NOT revolve around your child -- not once they're past the infant stage anyway. Arranging your family in such a way that the children are constantly the stars, giving them their way in everything, smoothing out their paths may seem like the kindest thing to do (and it's certainly the easiest way to avoid conflict!), but in the long run it teaches them that they're the center of the world and that they should get their way in all things. It sets them up for trouble later in life.

In this situation, I'd suggest that the OP set up some rules for appropriate behavior: Certainly this would include how things are to be said in your house. If the child is speaking to you in a disrespectful way, it's time for that child to go to her room and stay there 'til she can apologize. Don't allow ANY of that.

And back off on doing things for your kids. Let them take over age-appropriate things (totally guessing on what those things might be). If they don't do them as well as you do, that's fine. Eat a few substandard meals. Let their clothes be crammed in the drawers so that they're messy. Let them work out their own friend-drama. Let them run out of money and do without. Have them mow the yard, and don't let them go out if they haven't done it. The only way they can leran these things for themselves is to do them . . . themselves!

 

[Jennasis]

Back in the day, the usual reaction to hurtful words would've been a smack upside the head.

I don't think that would help anything in your case, but if counseling isn't your thing (and I really recommend it), perhaps trying the "Mom-On-Strike" approach might work?

Kid unappreciative? Simply stop doing ANYTHING for her. no cooking, cleaning, laundry. No lending money, car, etc. NO giving rides to or from anything. Just go on strike.

Not to be harsh, but kids who are disrespectful of their parents or others are that way because they've been ALLOWED to be that way.

 

[Cinderella94]

Not sure what you meant by this? Obviously, she is nice to other people or she wouldn't have been Class President 5 years in a row. Her teachers adore her. She also works in Customer Service and gets rewarded when she has to put up with an "unruly" customer. She has been rewarded several times. It seems she does takes out a lot of her anger at me and her sister. Maybe some jealousy issues?? Not sure. Could never see it because my oldest has everything she could want, including socially (her friends are everything!!) where my youngest is not popular, struggles in school, etc...
I have thought about counseling but it would be out of pocket since we only have an HSA and my daughter said she would never go. It was suggested a few years ago.

So?? Stop defending her. She obviously has some issues or you wouldn't have even started this thread. Take off your rose colored glasses.