How do you prepare your children

[janette]

when someone they love has limited time? My FIL is very sick and without a miracle won't be with us much longer. My girls have never lost someone close. My 12yo DD especially has always been Grandpa's girl. I know she will have a very hard time dealing with this. Any suggestions you have to help would be appreciated.

 

[Kallison]

I have no advice other than be upfront and honest about what is going on. Maybe the school guidance counselor can point you in the direction of some books. My parents hid the fact that my grandmother was dying when I was around 8 and my brother was 13. We both always resented that fact that we never got to say good-bye. Prayers to you. It's nice he had a close relationship with her, something she can always treasure. My kids never got that from my ILs.

 

[Spinning]

I feel for you. I don't know really what to say....I would start to prepare them now. Talk about his illness and be very up front and answer honestly. I also think it is so important they see your emotions too. So many times adults hide their feelings.
When our neighbor was dying I went to the school Librarain and asked her for age app. books. That helped some.
Prayers to you and your family.

 

[HauntedMansionGeek]

I found that talking about what was going on openly and honestly to be the most helpful.
We made sure to notice if there were any questioning looks on the childrens faces too so that we could talk to them later and ask if they had questions about what they saw.

Good luck.

 

[mommytotwo]

If I was in that situation, I would let my child know that this loved one of ours is very sick so we should spend as much time as we can with them and cherish those memories. Maybe start a scarpbook together with that person or make a video together. Do something that your child will be able to look at by themselves when they want their own quiet time or just to reflect back on memories. Tell them that the doctors and nurses are trying to help them, but their body isn't doing well.
Ask her if she has seen any changes in grandpa, if she wants to talk about his situation, what sort of things can we do to help grandpa out since he is sick.

 

[dvcfamily41801]

I am so sorry I hope everything is okay and your daughters are alright

 

[robsmom]

I don't know if you are religious at all but several years ago I purchased Maria Shriver's book. I think it is called What's Heaven or Where's Heaven. I saw it on sale and thought it would be a really good thing to have around for the inevitable time that one of my child's grandparents passes on (my grandmother in 93 in a few weeks!!). Fortunately, I have not had to use it yet, but a year or so ago my brother-in law's grandmother passed away and I lent it to my DSIL. She said that it really helped her talk to her kids.

hugs.

 

[LisaTx]

I'm sorry to hear about your FIL, Janette.

I totally agree with Kallison. Let them know what is happening and then give them the opportunity to deal with it in their own way. I would let them guide you. Everyone has their own way to grieve. You're a very compassionate person and I'm sure you'll know how to best support them.

I was not told that my dad was going to die when I was 10. I never got to say goodbye. I'm still resentful over 30 years later. My mother and I were just discussing it yesterday.

 

[Planogirl]

I suggest concentrating on keeping the lines of communication open and talking often. DS lost both of his grandfathers within a short time. My father died unexpectedly while DH's father died very slowly. DS dealt with both losses pretty well but we continually talked about both situations and he had a chance to express his feelings and concerns. I think that it helped.

I wish you all the best janette.

 

[newholiday]

Good luck - DS was too young to explain anything to when he lost both his grandfathers.
When he was 2 my father died suddenly from heart failure
When he was 4 my FIL died slowly from cancer
DS attended both the wakes & funerals

 

[Disneyland_emily]

Be very open and honest about the situations- Kids can handle much more than we think they can- Let them deal with it how they want to for instance one thing my son likes to do is write letters to his sisters in heaven to keep them up to date on whats happening. When he's done we take them to the cemetary and "send them to heaven" via burning them- We also let Jake pick out presents for them (this year it was the little care bear keychains) and we take them to the cemetary. I dont think this will last forever but for now its his way of letting them know he hasnt forgotten.


-em

 

[Robinrs]

If you have raised him to believe that you will see that person again, this is a good time to talk about it.

My 11yo son lost 5 close relatives in the past 2 years. His source of faith keeps him amazingly strong, and he lifts ME up, too.

This is never easy. Answer all of their questions, hold them close and realize that they understand way more than we can ever understand.

 

[DaisyDebbie]

I would just be honest so Katie can have quality time with him.
I'm sorry for you and Ed

 

[floridafam]

We just tried to answer any questions that my son had when my brother died suddenly.

We did the same for my son and daughter when my other brother died after a long battle with cancer.

We tried not to hide anything from them and tried to keep things calm-sometimes adults around them were very upset and grieving. We explained why and tried to give them as much love as possible.

Just try to make what time is left good time.

If they don't ask you questions then maybe consider asking them what they are feeling-you never know when they may need to let something out. They may be old enough to tell you how they are feeling and what they would like-maybe some time alone with their grandpa, etc. Our children were too young and truthfully a little frightened of being near my brother at the end because of medical equipment, dramatic changes in him, etc.

All you can do is stay strong and be there for eachother.

So sorry

 

[Disney Doll]

Be honest and explain things. Don't hide too much...maybe they don't need to see gory details if there is medical care involved, but as far as emotions, let them see you are sad. Let them spend as much time with their Grandpa as possible. Tell them to make sure they tell him what they want him to know. When he does pass, let them be involved in the funeral arrangements, even if it means letting them pick out speacial flowers or something. Don't be afraid to talk about their Grandpa and laugh and cry.

 

[janette]

Thank you all. I will get that book, it would probably help both girls.

We were all in the room as the Dr explained everything to MIL, right now they are giving him a 10% chance. If he can fight the infection and his liver starts working again he could stablize. If the liver failure continues there isn't anything they can do. Kate did understand most of what was said and we've talked about it. They know that grandpa is very sick and could die, right now we are focusing on that 10%. We are going to continue our regular schedules, I've promised her that if he gets any worse I will come and get her.

My 9yo also knows and has asked if he could die and knows that it is a very real possibility.

He is a very good Christian and we will also focus on that.

Thank you.

 

[TEENEE]

I haven't read all the posts so I may repeat what has been said.

I have been in your shoes with my kids. My uncle, who babysat both of my kids everyday from the time they were 8 weeks old got sick with cancer. When the time came that we knew he would not beat it we talked to the kids. We answered all of their questions honestly. Hospice is a wonderful source of support. A hospice nurse went to my uncles house and sat with my kids. She gave them coloring books that dealt with death. She talked to them about what would be happening and explained that any feelings they have are normal. It was still very hard on my son when my uncle passed away. His elementary school had a program for kids that were dealing with death. They met once a week for about 8 weeks. Each week they were taught different ways of coping and given a chance to talk with other kids who were experiencing the same thing. For their final meeting they wrote notes to the person they lost and attached them to balloons. All at once the kids went outside in the school yard and released the balloons. I should add, this was run by someone from hospice and the school guidance counselor. My best advice to you is be honest with your kids. Don't try to hide anything from them, they will know and will resent it.

 

[nativetxn]

Janette, you have received some excellent advice and I won't add to it but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am to hear that your FIL is so ill. I hope he is in that 10% and recovers. I will keep him in my prayers.

{{{HUGS}}} for you, my friend and for your ds and dd as well. What a sad situation for everyone.

Katholyn