How Do You Learn To Trust?

[BeachGirlFLA]

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other on and off for 4 years (the last 2 have been completely on.) I love him SO much but I have the hardest time trusting him because of the fact that he did break things off for a while once and because I've been burned very badly in the past by other guys who said all the right words but didn't do all the right things (to say the least.) He was there for me when I had my miscarriage and he had to have literally flown to get to the hospital as quickly as he did. I told him "I'm sure you never want to see me again" while he was in the room with me and he said "First of all, if that was true I wouldn't be here and secondly, I'd never abandon you in a time of crisis." He stepped out for a cigarette and I was SO sure he wouldn't be back. Then he left for a while to let me get some rest and promised he'd be back that evening....again, I didn't believe he'd come back (he even told the nurse to not let me worry...that he would be back.) Finally, he took me home from the hospital the next day and he told me he was going to his brother's house in North Carolina once he felt better (he had a bad cold.) I asked him to call me when he got back and he said he would. I told him I trusted him (he knows about my trust issues) and he took my hand and said "You should." BUT today it had been two weeks since he brought me home from the hospital and I hadn't heard from him. I had the thought "yeah, sure...he'll call me and he'll be there for me" and literally one minute after I had that thought, my phone rang with his ring tone. He called me the minute he walked in the door from his brother's house (he doesn't have a cell phone at the moment since he isn't working at the moment.) And even though he was exhausted, when I asked him to come over he said he'd try if he didn't fall asleep. Five minutes later, my phone rang and he told me he'd be right over (and he came over for a few minutes to give me a shoulder to cry on and to make me laugh...and mostly to show me that everything really is going to be okay between us.) I know it's not fair to him and it's not good for me, either. He's not the type to constantly say "I love you" but he shows me in so many ways that he does and I know that's much more important. So, how do I learn to trust that he's really going to be there and not have those negative thoughts?

 

[java]

Take the leap! You don't learn to trust you just do it. Life is too short to be worried all your relationship. Enjoy it!

(I am wondering though why didn't he call you for the time he was at his brother's?)

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I asked him to call me when he got back....I wouldn't have even recognized the number if he'd called from his brother's house and he's not one to talk on the phone for any length of time.

 

[princess momma]

I'd have a serious problem with him not communicating with me for 2 weeks after something as big as a miscarriage.

 

[DMickey28]

As long as you are ok with the no contact while at his brothers house just after having a miscarriage then I think you just NEED to trust him. I can almost gaurantee you will ruin the relationship unless you do. He has not given you a reason not to trust him, right?

How old are you guys? Is there a reason that you have been together for so long with no more formal committment? Are you planning on moving forward in your relationship?

I know trust is hard. I have had major trust issues in the past. I still do to a certain extent but never about DH being unfaithful. I just don't worry about that with him at all ... I never did anything to stop feeling that way, it's just the way our relationship is I guess.

 

[diznygirl]

I think he done a lot to show you. After all that, maybe you should trust him. Otherwise, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy - he will be so tired trying to prove himself that he will break up with you.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I was okay with the no contact (although there were times I wished I had a shoulder to cry on) because I needed some time to think myself. For one thing, I needed to really figure out whether the heartbreak was more because I actually have my heart set on having a home, husband, and family or whether it was more because I lost the child of the man that I truly love. He's not really interested in having children of his own. He's quite a bit older than I am. I'm 32 and he's 45. On the other hand, if I had found out that I was pregnant any other way I know he would have done all that it took to be a wonderful father. If I had decided that I absolutely wanted the whole husband, home and family thing I would have given our relationship up as much as I love him but I realized that it was the fact that it was our son that broke my heart. As far as not moving forward with the relationship, it will once he gets on his feet again. He won't "drag me into the gutter" while he has no job and no way of supporting us (or even sharing equally in supporting us.) I don't ever even think about the possibility of his cheating on me...it's trusting him to be there for me that I have a hard time with but he has done a heck of a lot to prove it to me this time. I feel guilty for not trusting him.

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

You seem like you are just looking for things to go wrong...has he done something to make you not trust him in the past?

If not....TRUST HIM! It seems like he has proven himself so far.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I don't think you can learn nor can we teach you.

Either one earns trust or they don't.

You probably need to decide where you want this relationship to go and whether or not that is a place you wish to travel.

My security resides in knowing the outcome or trusting that a positivve outcome is possible.

If I can't trust that the outcome is possible, then it is imperative that I reexamine the nature of the relationship and whether it is worth me doing something about it.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

You just do. You can't punish him for other people in your past. Is there a real reason you don't trust him? Did he cheat in the past etc.? If he did and you have to worry every single time he is 5 seconds late you really have to be honest with yourself if you want to continue living this way or let go and move on. Many times people stay together simply because they have been together so long. I am sure you love him but if you cannot get past this you will sabotage this relationship. Good luck.

 

[kirbydog48]

Have you ever seen a therapist? I think your trust issues might run pretty deep, and the need for reassurance on an ongoing basis might actually drive a man away. Maybe if you built a trusting relationship with a qualified therapist and focused on your issues, you could be in a deep and intimate relationship without always feeling so scared. He sounds like he's really trying.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

He didn't do anything wrong....other than breaking things off for a few months for a very good reason. I think a lot of it is not hearing the words as often as I got used to in other relationships (but the words weren't followed by the actions I would have expected from someone who loved me in those relationships.) I've also seen him end friendships with other people who he had been friends with for up to ten years but that's not our relationship and he had good reasons. I think the person who said "just take the leap and trust" was right.
Kirbydog, I have seen a therapist but it was when I was a teenager and again about three years ago when I was diagnosed with PTSD. At the moment, my insurance doesn't cover therapy.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I was okay with the no contact (although there were times I wished I had a shoulder to cry on) because I needed some time to think myself. For one thing, I needed to really figure out whether the heartbreak was more because I actually have my heart set on having a home, husband, and family or whether it was more because I lost the child of the man that I truly love. He's not really interested in having children of his own. He's quite a bit older than I am. I'm 32 and he's 45. On the other hand, if I had found out that I was pregnant any other way I know he would have done all that it took to be a wonderful father. If I had decided that I absolutely wanted the whole husband, home and family thing I would have given our relationship up as much as I love him but I realized that it was the fact that it was our son that broke my heart. As far as not moving forward with the relationship, it will once he gets on his feet again. He won't "drag me into the gutter" while he has no job and no way of supporting us (or even sharing equally in supporting us.) I don't ever even think about the possibility of his cheating on me...it's trusting him to be there for me that I have a hard time with but he has done a heck of a lot to prove it to me this time. I feel guilty for not trusting him.

RED FLAGS!!!!!!
He doesn't want children. You do. Do not try and convince yourself that he will be a great father. He has already told you he is not interested in having children of his own. You are creating the man you want not the man you have. There is nothing wrong with what he wants but it doesn't seem like that is what you want. Don't sacrifice everything you want. You will end up resenting each other.

I am sorry for your loss.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

Mouse House Mama, I said I had to figure out whether that's really what I wanted or not...I figured out it really wasn't and that what hurt was that I lost our son...in other words, it wasn't just a theoretical loss of having children. It was a real loss. Besides, after the medical problems I had after the miscarriage I won't risk it again.

 

[Vallie]

i think most women (and probably men) have been let down or burned in the past. i know i have and i had huge trust issues, especially after my last ex cheated on me. however, what i came to realize was that i needed some time on my own to get over things, and once i did that i went into each new potential boyfriend with openess and trust, as to not punish them for the past mistakes of others, but i was always alert for red flags and if a guy did do something that i felt like i wasnt gunna accept i ended it and moved on. when i met my current dbf i gave him my trust and he has never givin me any reason not to trust him.

my point is is that you just need to give someone your trust, and decide what you will and will not accept from a man. if you can trust him your relationship will go alot smoother and if he does mess up, you have the control of whether whatever he did was something you can accept or not.

remember you can only control yourself in a relationship!

all the best

 

[FireDancer]

Trust is a weird thing and hard to pin down. It is naive to blindly trust everyone but at the same time you don't want to not trust without good reason. It is one of those things that I learned to read as I got older.

Trust in a relationship is pretty important. When I date someone I inherently trust them unless they give me a reason not to. Everyone has a different scale based on their life experience. For example, one of the two people I would consider my best friend is a female. When I lived in FL she came down without her fiancé and stayed with me for a couple of days at Disney. We shared a hotel room and thought nothing of it. There are days I go over there after work to just hang out or take their son to the park. I expect anyone I date to not have a problem with this. I'm up front and honest about it and don't give them any reason not to trust me. At the same time I know from my relationship with her that anyone I date can be just as close with a male friend and don't get jealous about it. Having a friendship like this has flavored my outlook on relationships because most experiences in life flavor our outlooks. I've been cheated on and it isn't fun but I won't assume someone I date is going to cheat just because someone else did. That would be unfair to her. I would expect the same. I don't cheat and if they dates someone who did I would feel pretty aggrieved if they transfered his actions onto me.

Something else that can cause people tension in a relationship and can lead to trust issues is the different level of contact the parties need. I can go a couple of days no problem without talking to someone I am dating. Heck, I went to Italy with one of my friends for 2 weeks and let everyone know back home I will not be in contact at all. Both of us were dating someone at the time but wanted to really escape. There are people who just have to talk to their significant other every day. There is nothing wrong with that but I would feel smothered. This difference in outlook could cause issues.

Lastly, there are deal breakers for me in a relationship. I'm sure with most people there are. I would like to get married and have children. I wouldn't marry someone who didn't. It doesn't mean I won't date them but it will only get so serious. At the same time I am not going to force it on myself or on someone else. If I don't meet the right person I would rather stay single and be happy then settle and be miserable. I wouldn't want to have someone who really doesn't want kids to just agree to them to make me happy either. I"m also a pretty active person. Most of the people I date are also. I run, cycle, hike, kayak, snowshoe, and try just about anything fitness or activity related. While I don't need anyone I date to do those things I have found that having this in common makes for a much happier situation. I'd rather go bike Europe (which is why I was in Italy) than lay on a beach somewhere and would like anyone I date/marry to want to do those same kind of things.

I'm 31 and single so what I post comes from that perspective. I also grew up in a house with a gambling addict for a father who was about as trustworthy as Bernie Madoff. While it hasn't made me not trust people I think it has made it pretty easy for me to detect behavior like his.