How do you learn to forgive?

[robinb]

You know what? As harsh as Mystery Machines' words were, I think she is right. I do need to MYOB. I'm tired of dealing with the fall out from my parents' rollercoaster and I don't want to be a part of it anymore.

I really feel like I need some space from them, which would be really easy if we lived far away from them. However, my parents provide after-school care for my kids, so we see them every day. I told my mother last night that I would not allow my kids to witness the way she has been treating my dad anymore (just yesterday my son remarked on how she always yells at grandpa). That was one of the promises that she made, that she would treat him better and not act that way in front of the kids. Unfortunately, she has made that promise before and didn't follow through. If the tension persists, I am going to have to figure out alternative child care arrangements. It's hard, because my kids really love spending time with my parents in spite of their instability.

BTW, the preacher and other wife thing was just an anger, "spur of the moment" thought. I am already under a tremendous amount of stress from worrying about my sister's illness and how things are going to work out for her. This just adds to the stress I was already experiencing. I need to step out of it and let my parents deal with their issues.

I think you need to find alternative child care sooner rather than later. I can't imagine that your parents' home is the best place for them today after you tattled on your mom last night. My guess is that World War Three started last night.

ETA: I am sorry that you are going through this. It must be very difficult but I do believe that you made the wrong choice to inform your dad about your mom's meeting with the OM. Like The Mystery Machine says below, you need to put YOUR kids first.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You know what? As harsh as Mystery Machines' words were, I think she is right. I do need to MYOB. I'm tired of dealing with the fall out from my parents' rollercoaster and I don't want to be a part of it anymore.

I really feel like I need some space from them, which would be really easy if we lived far away from them. However, my parents provide after-school care for my kids, so we see them every day. I told my mother last night that I would not allow my kids to witness the way she has been treating my dad anymore (just yesterday my son remarked on how she always yells at grandpa). That was one of the promises that she made, that she would treat him better and not act that way in front of the kids. Unfortunately, she has made that promise before and didn't follow through. If the tension persists, I am going to have to figure out alternative child care arrangements. It's hard, because my kids really love spending time with my parents in spite of their instability.

BTW, the preacher and other wife thing was just an anger, "spur of the moment" thought. I am already under a tremendous amount of stress from worrying about my sister's illness and how things are going to work out for her. This just adds to the stress I was already experiencing. I need to step out of it and let my parents deal with their issues.

Get off that rollercoaster ride.

If your son is starting to mention the treatment of grandpa you probably should be looking for alternate care. Too bad but your children come first.

Bright side is that you and your kids can enjoy your parents without all the "side effects". They start complaining, you can go home, hang up or whatever....

Forge a new dynamic with them.

 

[Wednesday's Child]

I think you need to find alternative child care sooner rather than later. I can't imagine that your parents' home is the best place for them today after you tattled on your mom last night. My guess is that World War Three started last night.

ETA: I am sorry that you are going through this. It must be very difficult but I do believe that you made the wrong choice to inform your dad about your mom's meeting with the OM. Like The Mystery Machine says below, you need to put YOUR kids first.

Thanks for relegating this issue to the level of a kindergartner. I really appreciate you kicking me while I am down. But, I have made alternative arrangements for my kids today and am working on what is going to happen next.

 

[robinb]

Thanks for relegating this issue to the level of a kindergartner. I really appreciate you kicking me while I am down. But, I have made alternative arrangements for my kids today and am working on what is going to happen next.

I didn't intend to "kick you while you're down". It seemed to me that you were OK with telling your dad so I didn't think that my disagreement with your actions would hurt you. I certainly didn't intend to hurt you and I am sorry that I did.

I'm glad you made alternate arrangements for your kids today.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks for relegating this issue to the level of a kindergartner. I really appreciate you kicking me while I am down. But, I have made alternative arrangements for my kids today and am working on what is going to happen next.

Well, try not to get sucked into it. It is not easy at first. Trust me. They know how to push your buttons.

So if mom starts complaining about dad here is what I say....(and this is no joke)

"Why are you married to this person. I don't know how you live this way."

Guess what happens?

She starts defending dad against me. I say OK and now her complaining is over.

Actually my sister and I BOTH did this over and over (and still are) and the same thing happens.

I guess we have been doing this for about 10yrs I think. It is maddening. But we have learned how to cut off the crap faucet.

(You will need to find your own tricks to shut them up. This is ours. My dad spends money until they are broke.)

 

[minkydog]

NO doubt this is a bad, hurtful situation, but it's really not something you have any control over. I think you are wise to take a step back. Your parents' relationship is theirs, for better or for worse.I know you think your dad is getting the shaft, but it takes two to play and he is apparently going along for this ride. Let them handle it.

 

[tink20]

My dad retired about two years ago, and it took my parents time to adjust to being together all the time. They argue too, my mom tells me her side, then dad tells me his side, I just listen. They are adults and I love them both. I wouldn't want someone getting into my martial business. I would just be there to listen. There is nothing you can do. Your dad is the one who needs to do something about it. Just be supportive. If someone wants to cheat, they are going to do it no matter what anyone says. I would not call the other wife or the preacher. You aren't exactly sure what has happened. Its not like you caught them coming out of a hotel room. Your mom knows you know, so maybe you put her back into reality. Sorry you are going through this, hope everything works out.

 

[Wednesday's Child]

Well, try not to get sucked into it. It is not easy at first. Trust me. They know how to push your buttons.

So if mom starts complaining about dad here is what I say....(and this is no joke)

"Why are you married to this person. I don't know how you live this way."

Guess what happens?

She starts defending dad against me. I say OK and now her complaining is over.

Actually my sister and I BOTH did this over and over (and still are) and the same thing happens.

I guess we have been doing this for about 10yrs I think. It is maddening. But we have learned how to cut off the crap faucet.

(You will need to find your own tricks to shut them up. This is ours. My dad spends money until they are broke.)

That's pretty witty! I wish that would work on my mother, but she loves to play the victim so it would just feed her complaints. She has told me before (even when I was a kid) that she didn't want to divorce my father because she would have to split things 50/50 and lose everything she has worked so hard for. The really sad thing is she goes around telling anyone who will listen how horrible my father is to her, and if they don't know the situation people actually believe her.

I do need to think of a line to say when she starts complaining to me. Maybe "The problems you are having are none of my business and I will not be dragged in to it." Of course, I could just be honest and say "I'm not interested in boarding your crazy train!!"

 

[Carly_Roach]

OK. First off you need to begin to MYOB. Your parents relationship is not something that you should be getting involved with.

In other words you are creating your own drama. Stop it.

Absolutely. It's none of the OP's business. Period.

I completely disagree. It's her PARENTS. That makes it her business.

So if the adult children make decisions in their lives, then the PARENTS have a right to interfere in those decisions? I disagree with that just as vehemently as I disagree with adult children interfering in their adult parent's lives.

The only time we have any "right" to interfere with another family member's life is when that person is incapacitated and, 9 times out of 10, there has already been talk about the "interference" (POA, health-care issues, etc). Telling an adult parent that you suspect the other parent of an affair falls so fully under the nunya umbrella so hard that it's not funny. The other parent nearly always knows and congratulations. Now you've added embarassment to their shame because their adult child is involved in the issue.

As for her question about forgiveness, it's a learned behavior that can only be perfected by practice. OP seems to be a vindictive sort of person (IE: following her mother, confronting her mother and the other man, then running home to call and tell her father as soon as she could). She doesn't seem the sort who really wants to practice forgiving people. It seems she wants people to behave the way she thinks they should and THEN she might forgive them if they appear to be sufficiently penitent in her eyes.

To which, if this were my sister, mother or daughter putting these kinds of conditions on our relationship, I'd have to tell her to take it out to the curb, sis. I have no interest in purchasing forgiveness or love.

You were wrong to get involved. It was truly none of your business. Sorry. JMO.

 

[dislaney]

I'm glad you found some alternative child care! I have no real advice other than I think getting your kids out of that situation is probably a good thing right now.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That's pretty witty! I wish that would work on my mother, but she loves to play the victim so it would just feed her complaints. She has told me before (even when I was a kid) that she didn't want to divorce my father because she would have to split things 50/50 and lose everything she has worked so hard for. The really sad thing is she goes around telling anyone who will listen how horrible my father is to her, and if they don't know the situation people actually believe her.

I do need to think of a line to say when she starts complaining to me. Maybe "The problems you are having are none of my business and I will not be dragged in to it." Of course, I could just be honest and say "I'm not interested in boarding your crazy train!!"

You need to figure out what gets her goat. The line we give my mother just really gets to her.

We have said "we do not want to her it" when things are really bad.

The thing is my dad is a jerk to her however she wants to stay with him. Am I pissed off how he treats her? You bet.

However I am 45 years old and I will not live in their drama anymore.

Plus, and this may be morbid, but they are going to kick the bucket soon and I DO NOT want to be involved with "crap" with them. I am trying to make good memories with my kids with their grandparents.

I also feel I am modeling behavior to my kids of how to treat people that want to drag you into drama. I think it is very good skill to aquire. I wish I had that skill in my 20's. My life would have been so much better.

I have a dd who is going to be 20 and one 14yodd in middle school who knows how to handle the stupid drama people. It is a more peaceful existence.

 

[RadioNate]

Step away from the drama. Seriously.

I learned a lesson last week and that is that unless you are IN the marriage, you have no idea what is happening in other's marriages. It doesn't matter that they are your parents and you see them daily. You don't know the details of their marriage or what they have/haven't agreed upon behind closed doors.

By your own admission your mother treats your father poorly and your father used to have a "horrible" temper. In your eyes, they don't respect each other and have a horrible marriage. Why exactly are you so angry at your mother? What did YOU get out of telling your father about her infidelity?

I'm sorry you were offend by the use of the term "tattle" but that is what you did. You called your dad after confronting your mother but before you really talked to her. In fact, you don't really know the specific nature of your mother's relationship with this man. Nor do you know what his relationship is with his wife. I'm NOT defending cheating at all. I've been cheated on and it SUCKS. However, like I said, last week I learned that people have all sorts of agreements and such with their spouses that others have no clue about.

Just step away from their drama. Let them handle their marriage. You don't need to forgive your mother. She didn't wrong YOU. If you were a child and this was destroying your otherwise happy home I'd see where she would have wronged you. But you are an adult who has admitted that they didn't have much of a marriage in the first place.

And for heavens sake do not burden your sister with this right now.

 

[clutter]

That's pretty witty! I wish that would work on my mother, but she loves to play the victim so it would just feed her complaints.

My mom loved to complain about my dad. One day she told me the story about listening to my sister complain about same-old, same-old, and my mom told my sis that she was putting down the phone, but when my sis was done, she should just whistle and she'd get back on. Well, then my mom started in about my dad. So I said "what was that about a whistle?" AFter that, if she reached the point that I didn't want to hear anymore, I'd just tell her to whistle. It became a bit of a joke. (Because in spite of my mom liking to play the victim, she REALLY liked a good joke even more!)