How do you know when divorce is right?

[siouxi31]

If you read any of my posts you'd think I'm a nut case. First my daughter has self esteem issues, then my son is failing HS, and now I'm bringing up the topic of divorce. All in between that I ask for opionions on replacement windows, new flooring, and landscape lights.
I guess what happened is due to my job change last November. Before that, I had a very fast paced job where I could work around the clock if there was nothing else going on in my life. It's like walking on top of a ferris wheel and you don't want to stop walking for fear you'll fall off. Well, changing jobs has given me some more time to focus on family and home improvement. I'm not sure how long I'll be in this house if the marriage fails but in the meantime, I'm addressing things that need to be taken care of.
This career change has given me time to finally think. A person can really think alot about life when they spend 5 hours dethatching the lawn while the husband sits in the house playing The Godfather on PS2. I've decided that I've had it with this marriage. For years nothing went the way I wanted it to. I hate being a nagger so alot of things I just gave up on. I gave up on the ideas of how a family should work and how a home should be cared for. Some things I did in a way my husband would like done just because he's the squeaky wheel and I'm not. Suddenly, with more thinking time on my hands, I'm beginning to realize that I do things his way, I gave up on what I wanted, and my dreams are not being fulfilled. Isn't part of marriage about trying to make each other's dreams come true? If my husband had any dreams or goals, I would be supporting them. He's not a goal oriented person AT ALL, and I am. He has wanted to change careers twice and both times I've supported him completely. I'd tell him that if wanted to make the change I'd support him and if it affected us financially, we'd do what we'd have to do to fix it. When my job was so busy and I told him that I wanted to change careers, he told me "Sure, as long as you make the same amount of money you make now then why not?" I can't even begin to tell you where I wanted to kick him. Over the years I find that I don't even want to get physical with him. So now I ask myself, "What's in this marriage for him?". I can't imagine why he wants to stay in this relationship. The only reason I can come up with is that his life has been pretty comfy with me bringing in the dough, helping with homework, doing the landscaping, laundry, cleaning, etc while he gets to do what he wants to do. This has been a long time argument for us and everything I say here has been said to him. I have to give him credit that he does listen and sees his shortcomings but there is never any action taken by him. I kept doing what I was doing because it needed to be done. If I asked him to do the laundry, he'd screw it up. He just wouldn't listen to me so that it could be done right. If I asked him to clean the house, he'd yell at the kids to get them involved. The kids should be involved, it's just that all you know what would break loose when he was involved in it. He made it very easy for himself not to be involved because everyone was walking on glass when he was a part of the chores. He's VERY verbal. He reasoned that he couldn't work harder at work because then he'd be stressed. Well, we all know what he's like when he's stressed out. He'll come home and start barking orders at all of us. I hate my life and am ready to make some changes. I told him that I want a divorce. He said that he wants to change. Since he's not beating any of us up, I'm in no complete hurry to break this up, but you'd better believe that I see everything he does or doesn't do. I told him that this is not a threat. He doesn't have to change for me, I'm ready for divorce. This is not a carrot being dangled in front of his face to see what happens. When my kids were little, I had visions of how they would be as they grew up. I'd give them 3 nutritious meals a day, they'd get a bedtime story and actually get to bed at a reasonable hour. When I was working so much, none of that happend. It was bowls of cereal for dinner and no breakfast because my husband couldn't nicely make them sit down and eat before school (I used to leave the house before they woke up since my hours at work were so early). I'm so furious that he couldn't make sure they had breakfast. I was mentally exhausted when I came home and couldn't even muster up dinner. Sometimes, before I'd get home from work I'd stop at the grocery store just to buy a pre-cooked chicken to have dinner. My husband would give me such a hard time about going to the store just for a chicken. He didn't agree with the little spending here and there with a couple of huge grocery trips in between. I just couldn't get clear enough thinking on the family portion of my life to pre-plan a dinner by taking something out of the freezer ahead of time and he didn't help either. Now I can see that stopping at the store for a pre-cooked chicken was no big deal and I should have been telling him to shut up since he wasn't helping.
I say this all here because I hope if anyone else is in my situation, they can take a look at their life and sort things out before they all get carried away. This marriage could have been saved years ago if we both did our part. As far as I'm concerned now, it's over. But, I still wonder if it's the right thing to do. I guess time will tell. At least I told him I want a divorce. I don't know what the next step is. Only time will tell. Oh, or counseling will tell. He doesn't know this yet but my daughter wants to go to family counseling. I think it would be great for all of us and because she wants to go, I'm going to set it up. I think we're all a little nuts and could use some neutral party to help us sort things out. The kids also need a place where they feel safe to air their greivances with their parents and siblings.

 

[tiggersmom2]

Sorry you are going through this. Best wishes

 

[Ava83]

No Advice just a

 

[MouseWorshipin]

I don't have an answer to your question...I think that lies in you.

Just want to say that I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

I watched a special once with a bunch of old couples who had been married for 50+ years. One thing they all agreed on was that there were times they didn't love each other. One woman said she went for over 3 consecutive years not loving her husband, but then fell back in love with him.

Dunno if that helps any.

Sounds like you're giving this a lot of thought and not rushing into anything. I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

And many, many props for posting here. Everyone else has perfect marriages, don't you know?

 

[goofy's friends]

Lots of hugs and maybe a counselor could help.

 

[HERSEY]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Since I'm on the "other side" being divorced I can tell you it is still not easy. As long as you have kids you will still have issues to work through. Counselling in my opinion is a good thing even if you do go ahead a get a divorce. Many You are going to need it. If you need a should let me know.

 

[mickeyboat]

Wow! You have a lot on your plate right now. I think you need this -

I am not sure how to respond, but there are a couple of things running through my mind.

Some of your conflict with your DH is some of the same conflict I have with my DH. Household chores have been a sticking point since Day 1 in our marriage. It has taken years, but we have come to a resolution we can both live with. He has realized that getting chores done is a priority for me, and that I am a lot happier when they are done, and when I have help with them. I have realized that the world is not going to come to an end if I don't dust every week (vacuuming, however, is another story). So I started taking the kids to gymnastics on Saturdays, and he cleans the house.

Nothing makes me more angry than when I am running around trying to get things done after work, cook dinner, etc. and he is sitting in the living room watching tv. I would just get more angry and more angry, muttering things under my breath, until I screamed at him. To solve this, we have done two things. I specifically ask for his help if I need it. He might not do it right away, but he will do it. And we put a couch in our kitchen. So when I am in there doing stuff, he can still relax while talking to me.

The thing we are fighting a lot about now, which will probably come to a head pretty soon, is money. We didn't fight over money when we didn't have any. But now that we have some "extra" money, we can't agree what to do with it. He was raised in a family that had some strange notions and ideas about money, and these notions are exhibiting themselves in this generation. But that's another thread.

Here's what I think about your situation. You have just made a gigantic change in your life - your job, which has given you pause to look at your life as a whole. You see your daughter having problems, your son having problems, and your marriage having problems. It's like your whole world is crashing down around you, and the only thing you can think about is escaping. At least if you can get rid of one of those problems, maybe you can handle the others.

I'm not sure escaping is the answer for right now. I don't think you should live misearbly, but I think you may be better served by putting your desire for a divorce on the back burner, and focusing on family counseling. Maybe you can resolve many of your issues that way over time. I mean, there must have been something that attracted you to your husband at some point, maybe you can bring it back again. My advice would be different if you said you were in a hurry to get out, or if your DH was being abusive. All marriages go through ups and downs. Don't think I think your feelings aren't valid, but don't mistake a "down" for the end of your marriage.

Good luck.

Denae

 

[DVC Sadie]

I think counseling will be great for your family especially if your dd has requested to see someone. Hugs to you and your children. Before I posted I stopped to think why a little girl your dd's age would ask her mommy to talk to a professional. I hope your dd feels better soon. Actually, I am hoping for all of you.

 

[Poohgirl]

I have been where you are, it sure isn't fun... I hope your soul searching brings you the answers your looking for. My only advice is that if you think there is any chance that you can make it work, to try. It really is much harder not to. Good Luck.

 

[tmt martins]

Let me start off with saying I'm sorry for your family this is a terrible thing.

Then I will say Divorce should be the last resort as it will destroy all involved and future generations as well ( I come from divorced parents so I have a little knowledge).

One thing to remember is that because you are going through a life altering change (new job,reflection on life) doesn't automaticly mean all those around you should have to do the same thing.If DH has been like this (even before marriage) Then why should he all the sudden have to change ( this almost never works).I'm not taking sides on this I'm just stating from the sounds of thing you both want totally different things from your family life.

Marriage is a work in progress but has to have expectations from the begining and has to be honest.DW and I talked at great lengths at what we wanted out of our FAMILY not just ourselves due to both being from broken home (and bad ones at that).Now thats not saying we don't have problems but the D word is never brought up.

One last thing is Pick your battles wisely or they just end being a never ending war that gets nothing done but a lot of hurt and pain.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Ummmm, are you my sister? If your picture wasn't posted and you only had the one child (DD), I would swear you were my sister. She went through 3 years of counseling. He finally walked out on them in January. Best thing he ever did for them.
Good Luck with everything. While I don't personally know your situation you need to do what you think is best for you and the kids. My sister is a whole new person without being verbally abused on a regular basis. Since my sis is happier, my Dniece is much happier. Just something to consider.


Oh, and don't you just want to throw those darn video games out!! For years the only thing I saw of my BIL was the back of his head since his face was pressed into one of those darn machines!!

 

[FreshTressa]

You are a smart, hard working, beautiful woman, and it sounds like he does not appreciate all that you have to offer.

What has he done to deserve you?? Couples have to give and to earn each other's love and respect.

 

[FionaLovesShrek]

No advice just a From someone who has been through divorce, it's the hardest thing I've ever been through.

 

[vettechick99]

Lots of from me! You'll find a ton of support here from people who have been divorced (like me), are divorcing or just want to knock their SO out every once in a while.

Great idea to seek counseling for yourself and your family. As Dr. Phil always says, "You have to earn your way out of a marriage." Also, I wanted to ask -- if your kids are having problems, any chance it could be due to the tension at home? Not laying blame, it's just that kids pick up on things. Maybe if you fix your marriage, those other wounds will heal.

Good luck. It sure sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now!

 

[gris gris]

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. It's pretty cool that your daughter asked to go to counseling! DH & I went to counseling and it saved our marriage. I went in wanting a divorce and came out understanding how to communicate with each other and how to love each other. I hope your DH is open to this. Our counselor told us counseling should last at least 6 months before choosing to divorce (not sure what the deal is with 6 months). It really seems like a lot of what you & your DH are going through are things that an outsider can help fix, much like what mickeyboat posted.

BTW mickeyboat, I love the couch in the kitchen idea!

 

[pearlieq]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I think counseling, whether you actually get divorced or not, is a great idea. It sounds like you've lost a lot of "you" over the years. No one should have to live life on someone else's terms, and no one should have to live without a physical relationship in their marriage. Those just seem like 2 huge issues to me.

Do you still love him? Would your life be better off with or without him? When you look into the future at being "alone" with him after the kids leave, are you excited or are you dreading it? Could you ever live the kind of life you want with him? You don't really get a second chance.

Best of luck to you as you work this out.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I don't have any advice, but could please put some paragraph breaks in your original post, pretty please?

 

[luvwinnie]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I was so surprised to see this because whenever I see your siggy pic I always think "What a perfect looking family"...I know, looks are deceiving. I can only tell you that I knew it was time for me to leave when my ex was away on a business trip and I realized I was SO much happier when he was gone. I wish you all the best.

 

[mickeyfan2]

So sorry for your and the family. I am glad you are going to counseling. Maybe you are stressed out by the home repairs? I would put them on hold until you figure all this out. They could be adding to your stress and you could be throwing money away you would need if you do get divorced.

 

[Magickndm]

Divorce is a long long road that never ends. Especially if you have children. You have to stop and realize that you will alter not just your life, but your kid's lives as well. Assume that your husband will remarry. Whoever he remarries will be a part of your kid's lives for better or for worse and you can do little about it. I don't mean to sound harsh, and yes, I've been divorced myself. It's surprising how hard it can be to let a stranger come into your children's lives like that.
As far as marriage being about making the other's dreams come true, that's just not right and honestly very unfair put that burden on someone else's shoulders. Only you can make yourself happy. You have to decide if you can do that while staying married to your husband.