How do you handle teasing?

[Hasil72]

I'm coming to you all for advice since I need input from someone who understands ASD compared to all my friends with NT children who think DS should just "suck it up". Last week, we had our first real incident of classmates publicly teasing DS. (9 w/ASD, SID, anxiety, etc. He's in a mainstream third grade class with a FT para.)

In gym class he was last to be picked for a team when another student made a huge production about "Why do we always end up with the freak?" The extremely sensitive kid that he is, DS hid behind his para so that they wouldn't see him tear up. The teacher made the student apologize but we all know that it was pointless. I tried to explain to DS later that night that yes, he is different, but it's not something to be ashamed of but proud. And that along the line kids are going to be mean and say things to hurt his feelings on purpose and try to upset him. Again, this is really the first time we have encountered this situation although I'm sure it won't be the last. What else can you say? How do you tell your kids handle this kind of thing?

On the bright side, DS never ceases to amaze me. Little thugs up the street keep playing "ding-dong-ditch" or "ring-and-run" whatever you want to call it at a few houses on the block including ours. DS is hurt by this as they used to be "friends". So he decided to seek out the kids at school and proceeded to ask them, "Why do you keep ding dong ditching us? We know when it's you and we just ignore you. It doesn't bother us." That was all he needed to say. He had closure and was done. i asked if they used bad words or yelled at him, or reacted in any way. DS says, "I don't rememeber." It didn't matter in his mind as long as he said what he had to say. I was proud of him.

I am grateful for any suggestions you can throw my way. I don't want to overreact and dwell on the issue but don't want to skim over it either. Can't find any literature for what to do when your super sensitive son is being teased and doesn't understand why. (We're still explaining it to him. It's not really sinking in.) I take it much harder than he does sometimes.

 

[Cheshire Figment]

I think the situation is bullying and the first thing to do is have a talk with at least the Gym Teacher. And obviously there were witnesses (at least the para). At the very least there should be something in the Health Education curriculum to discuss differences in people.

 

[bookwormde]

You definitely want to put the IEP team “on notice” about the incident. Ask if your school has a comprehensive bullying program, if they do there should have been some proactive education done for the whole class.

Once they understand how serious you take this it will probably be handled more formally in the future

The best “immunization” is what you are already doing by being honest and open about the benefits and challenges of having Autism characteristics with your child.

I have been pushing for neurodiversity training (for both teacher and students) as part of my schools comprehensive bullying prevention program but have not gotten it in place yet for the students.

Perfect targets by Rebekah Heinrichs is always my first recomondation

bookwormde

 

[KirstenB]

I'm coming to you all for advice since I need input from someone who understands ASD compared to all my friends with NT children who think DS should just "suck it up". Last week, we had our first real incident of classmates publicly teasing DS. (9 w/ASD, SID, anxiety, etc. He's in a mainstream third grade class with a FT para.)

In gym class he was last to be picked for a team when another student made a huge production about "Why do we always end up with the freak?" The extremely sensitive kid that he is, DS hid behind his para so that they wouldn't see him tear up. The teacher made the student apologize but we all know that it was pointless. I tried to explain to DS later that night that yes, he is different, but it's not something to be ashamed of but proud. And that along the line kids are going to be mean and say things to hurt his feelings on purpose and try to upset him. Again, this is really the first time we have encountered this situation although I'm sure it won't be the last. What else can you say? How do you tell your kids handle this kind of thing?

On the bright side, DS never ceases to amaze me. Little thugs up the street keep playing "ding-dong-ditch" or "ring-and-run" whatever you want to call it at a few houses on the block including ours. DS is hurt by this as they used to be "friends". So he decided to seek out the kids at school and proceeded to ask them, "Why do you keep ding dong ditching us? We know when it's you and we just ignore you. It doesn't bother us." That was all he needed to say. He had closure and was done. i asked if they used bad words or yelled at him, or reacted in any way. DS says, "I don't rememeber." It didn't matter in his mind as long as he said what he had to say. I was proud of him.

I am grateful for any suggestions you can throw my way. I don't want to overreact and dwell on the issue but don't want to skim over it either. Can't find any literature for what to do when your super sensitive son is being teased and doesn't understand why. (We're still explaining it to him. It's not really sinking in.) I take it much harder than he does sometimes.

Hasil, I"m going a little off topic, but I can't believe the PE class still has team captains and they pick the teams. I remember this from 30 yrs ago!! The same kids were always last, and it must have really stung. Maybe you could suggest they just go 1-2-1-2, you know, like count off. Your son might already be feeling bad about being last, and then with the bullying, man!

The teacher needs to remind everyone that everyone's good at some stuff, and they suck at some stuff (okay, it probably sounds better to say, some things are tricky ) Anyway, you get my drift. Too bad they can't pick teams for math (or whatever your son likes) and let him be the one to pick on the bully!

I like it that he's comfortable with calling the other kids out about ding-dong. Shows he has spunk! BTW, I think most NT kids would be in tears if someone called them a freak too.

 

[Minnie M6]

I'm so sorry. I have never understood why kids are so mean to each other. My DS 9 failed to tell me that the Counselor came in to their classroom last week to talk about bullying; another Mom told me. It turns out that there are several "mean girls" in the class. The kids all wrote down one thing that they would like to change about the class. I asked DS what he wrote, and he said "Stop blaming me." I asked what he meant by that, and he said that some of the kids blame him whenever the room stinks. He didn't seem that upset by it, but he really didn't want to talk about it. According to the mom who told me about it, some of the kids wrote really heartbreaking things. It seems to get really bad at this age for some reason. Anyway, the school should adopt a zero tolerance policy about bullying/ teasing. I agree that the picking teams thing should have been abolished long ago- who has pleasant memories of that? I tell my kids that when kids say or do mean things it is because they feel badly about themselves. Doesn't make it any easier though. Hugs to you. Your DS sounds like a great kid!

 

[C&G'sMama]

Picking teams, Ughh!! I was always last and yes it sucks (no other way to put it) Of course now I'm very successful in my own right.... but I digress

I agree with the various previous posters to put the school on notice about this behavior. It is unacceptable, yes it will happen as you'll probably be told, but it doesn't make it acceptable. My son's only 5. Right now he just doesn't care but he's so unaware. Sounds like you are doing wonderful by your son. Also sounds like the school needs to get on board.

Good luck

 

[mechurchlady]

I was always last picked and it sucks. A classmate since kindergarden committed suicide in the county jail. He was bullied all the way until he left high school. He ran into Robby the ... I block out Robby as he was down right freaking scary and others in school have said so. Robby took my classmate to the dark side and got him into dark stuff where he eventually is said to have met a mass murderer. He died in jailed accused of heineous crimes and rumoured to have done drugs. The sweet skinny tall boy who was just a simple little kid was driven to the arms of the dark people of life and his life ruined.

For me it was "your pretty" when they were making fat jokes. It scars the child for life and cause them to go to the dark side where they self doubt, have low esteem, and it spirals into depression, self loathing and worthlessness.

The answer for schools is a mandatory program on teasing, self esteem, bullying, and how to help others improve themselves. That and internet safety programs. Them kids need to be pounded every year with a school wide program of helping others and how things hurt others.

It was not just a couple kids as they as a group had to have been talking about the "freak". They talk about the black kid, fat kid, rich kid, ugly kid, and any other kid not like them. I would march into the principals office and hand him a ton of info on the effects of bullying on children and the long term effect of bullying on kids. I would tell him that he needs programs as talking to a kid will get an apology and then they go complain about the teacher and the freak. Retaliation can occur. I would wap him with a stack of info and tell him how kids have to be taught from infancy how to behave and get alone while uplifting each other instead of destroying others.

 

[ireland_nicole]

I agree with the pp's that you need to speak with the teacher and the principal about this. Your school may have a comprehensive bullying policy, ours does. This action would clearly qualify. for your son, too; he sounds like he's becoming a strong, brave young man.

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

I realize that this may not be a POPULAR solution so my flame suit is on.

Not only would I tell the school what happened, just so they can be aware of it,but I would teach your son (if you're comfortable with it, that is) to say, "Thanks! I like being a freak." the next time somebody says that to him. It will definately throw the other kids off guard and maybe if they realize he's perfectly alright with being a 'freak' then they won't tease him about it anymore.

 

[mechurchlady]

I realize that this may not be a POPULAR solution so my flame suit is on.

Not only would I tell the school what happened, just so they can be aware of it,but I would teach your son (if you're comfortable with it, that is) to say, "Thanks! I like being a freak." the next time somebody says that to him. It will definately throw the other kids off guard and maybe if they realize he's perfectly alright with being a 'freak' then they won't tease him about it anymore.

Throws chocolates and marshmallows at sdarwkcabemanmy. Now to get the flamethrower out, hold still sdarwkcabemanmy as this won't hurt. Voila smores for sdarwkcabemanmy for a good suggestion.

That is so true. When they realize that the kid is not crying then they will go find a fat kid to pick on. The fattest kid in high school called me fat then I turned around and pointed out that she was fatter than me. He will have to work on dealing with bullies as eventually he will be in church, an amusement park, or at work when a bully will pop up.

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

Thanks mechurchlady. I love s'mores.

 

[kaffinito]

I taught my kids that if someone called them a "freak" or a "retard" to look at it this way. The kids doing the name calling have normal average everyday brains, which means that anyone who has a faster brain or a brain that's wired differently from theirs is a little scary to them. And that when some kids are scared they name call to make themselves feel better, all they are doing is bolstering their own self esteem by making fun of someone they can't understand. It also has a social function by making the name-callee part of a group.

It worked on my two, they both have good self esteem and understand that name calling is sometimes a reaction to ones low self esteem and partly a social function. When someone calls my youngest a name, he just smiles. He likes being a "freak"

I hope this helped a bit.

 

[Hasil72]

THANKS to everyone!

I did send out an email to the "team" the next day explaining that while I understand that these things are going to happen, it's not acceptable nor will it be tolerated. I know that the para made a point in speaking with the gym teacher, the classroom teacher and the guidance counselor. DS has always struggled with poor self esteem so I'm trying to get a grip on it before it spirals out of control. He has now picked up my bad habit of constantly apologizing. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." for things he has no control over. (I'm 36 and still working on that one.) I know how he feels since I experienced many of the same things growing up (I got to be the weird kid, the poor kid, and the fat kid all rolled into one.) and yes, it does suck, so I don't want him to be burdened with self doubt, etc. as he goes through life.

Bookwormde, thanks for the book suggestion.

sdarwkcabemanmy, I LOVE that idea.

Anyone mind if I steal some smores for a mid-morning sugar rush?

Our school does have a bullying policy, the guidance counselor is sending it to me. And we do have "character education" once a month when the counselor goes to each class and presents different topics. I'll have to ask her if diversity is one of them and if so, if it's just cultural diversity. Like I said before, we really haven't had an issue before this one other than no one really wants to play with him at recess. I'm sure they say things behind his back but he's oblivious and if the para gets wind of anything, she handles it on the spot. She has zero tolerance and is very protective. I'm trying to tell DS that being different is ok and that they can't hurt his feelings if he doesn't let them. Much easier said than done.

Thank you again for all the suggestions. I need all the help I can get.

 

[stampin_fool]

Here is a great website that I have used and several other mothers of special needs children that I know. http://www.bullies2buddies.com/manual/kids/index.html

Hope this helps.

Make sure you follow up with the school or they will drop it.

Good Luck!!!

Ronda

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

Hasil--I was the weird kid and the poor kid growing up so I got teased A LOT. I got teased, had these big fat HARD things we called horseapples thrown at me, got beat up more times than I care to think about. It took me a long time to realize that it's perfectly OK to be weird and that, thanks to the internet, I've discovered there are TONS of people out there like myself.

Thankfully, right now, DS doesn't have to deal with teasing/bullying issues. I worry about next year though when he's in an elem with bigger, older kids who might make fun of his speech or the fact that he's not the fastest runner in the world.

 

[Janet Hill]

My son is in the 5th grade and we've just taken him out of the public schools because he was being bullied (made fun of so much), it was very wearing on him and he was becoming mean. I certainly didn't like the monster, he was becoming as a way to cope with the incessant meanness. The school basically just said he needed to learn to suck it up though, their words were, we need to teach him to cope. Since he only acted out about every two weeks and he was bullied everyday, I think he was probably maxed out with coping.

He's now in a private Christian school and he now enjoys going to school.

BTW he as asperger's and a tic.

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

The school basically just said he needed to learn to suck it up though, their words were, we need to teach him to cope

That's what my elem/jr high teachers said as well..suck it up. If you don't pay attention to them they'll go away--which was a lie. The less I paid attention to the bullies the more they tried to hassle me so I'd respond.

 

[LMC]

Does your child have a need to have adaptive PE? My son has the issues you described (plus others) and his doctor(s) have written prescriptions for him to have adaptive PE in school. Our school system does not "offer" adaptive pe so this basically means that my child participates in the activities that he feels "safe" doing and watches the other activities or helps the coach. I made it VERY clear to them two years ago when they told me they "couldn't do adaptive pe" that I knew if that was what his physicians say he needs and they don't provide it then I better never get a call that he has been injured in PE. He goes into 9th grade next year and only needs 1 year of pe in 9-12 grade so I won't have to worry about it any more after that. Thank God!

 

[Schmeck]

One thing I've taught my daughters is to put themselves in the bully's shoes - why would this kid have the urge to make others miserable? We've figured out that the bully must have a really horrible home life, not getting his/her needs met, feels inadequate, and is jealous of the person he/she is picking on. "It must really stink to be a bully" my then 6 year old DD told me.

Lots of great advice here - if the harrassment continues, go through the teacher, principal, superintendent, and all the way up to the school board if you have to.

PS - sounds like the OP's son has a great paraprofessional!

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

LMC--does or can your son plan an instrument? I know in a lot of schools (my HS included) marching band counted as a semester of PE.

My HS also had a jazz dance class (which was open to anybody but we had all girls) which was a substitute for PE. So check out your HS's options..there might be a way to get out of PE and still get credit for PE.